I came across this question, “What skills or lessons have you learned recently?” and I paused.  It’s been a long time in the school of life so it’s been a minute without a continuing education or something. And I realized that life teaches us plenty.  My holiday prep is pretty consistent.  I’ve learned a decent pattern over the years for how to get things done by a certain time and I threw in a bit more this year now that I could bring home baked gifts again.   I brought back the cookies!  I love baking cookies and sharing them.  I love the act of baking, the chaos, the science, the timing, the smell, the colors—all of it!  And my goodness, when a cookie turns out well—heaven!! 

So the monkey wrench this year was my work hours shifting back in September along with my husband’s job changing—so his hours changed as well.  It means I get home later, have less time with the family, and generally feel more alone because I have to go to sleep roughly 2.5 to 3 hours after I get home.  That’s a short window to spend time with the family, eat, unwind, or do whatever I need to.  Adding festivities to the mix was going to be a challenge.  So this year, I was determined to bring back the cookies not just for gifts but for the party we are hosting as well.  I planned out the cookies I wanted to bake and began the prep to bring them to life.  All the dough was made on the weekend ahead and then I could bake them bit by bit during the week, still have time to give them out as gifts, and be ready for the party on the weekend. 

Well, this is where the lesson starts.  It has been a few years since I did the cookies on that scale and I threw in two new cookies this year.  That meant that I didn’t know how they would behave in the fridge.  I’ve had to leave doughs in the fridge overnight before but not for longer than that.  With the schedule I had in place, I could only bake a few doughs a night so some would be in longer.  I had no choice but to be ok with it.  By the time I got to the last dough Wednesday night, things looked ok, but those were the new doughs.  I know common sense would have dictated that I do the new ones first, but these were the most complicated so I saved them for last because I would have more time the evening I was planning on making them.  Honestly, they started out fine…and then became a different work of art, so to speak.

Each night I worked on the cookies with my son who is old enough to help now and these are the lessons in a nutshell.  1. Time moves faster than you can imagine.  The last time I was able to do these cookies he was learning to talk.  Now he is able to help me and understands how to work the mixer.  Keep each moment close to your heart.  2.  The imperfect makes it perfect.  I love it when a cookie turns out really well—but it was so much more fun spreading the knowledge to my kid and witnessing him enjoy what I do.  Half the cookies look ridiculous but they taste amazing and there was so much fun in them.  3.  Our time is ours—use it how we see fit because it goes fast (see number 1).  Our lives are not meant to be divided between what we love and what we have to do.  Love what you do and if you don’t, go find it and put your time there.  4. You don’t need permission.  We have one life and it is meant to be glorious and bright and joyful and an experience we love.  Share it.  Share the love, the light, the laughter.  Don’t wait for things to be just right or for someone to give you the time to do what you want—we have to create that time.  5.  Do everything with love.  Allow it to be what it is and enjoy it while you have it.  6.  Sometimes what happens is better than what is planned.  The universe knows what you need so take it.  Don’t fight it.       

Trigger warning: talk of school violence.

I share this story after yesterday’s piece because I’ve really had to work to process it, and one of the key points I didn’t fully understand until after leaving work early.  The timing of events is the universe’s way of communicating about our focus and driving us toward what’s important.  When we are on the right path, often things unfold for us that show us the way. 

On Wednesday evening last week, we received a message from the superintendent of my son’s school that a threat had been made by a 22 year old local resident of our neighborhood.  While the threat was vague enough and did not call out the school specifically, it was enough to get the guy arrested and charged with disorderly conduct—and to warrant notifying the parents because of proximity to the school and what the statement suggested.  I spoke with one of the other mother’s because my initial reaction was this was like the other two incidents we had last year except those had come from kids and no one was arrested even though the police were involved.  I didn’t get uneasy until she pointed out that this was an adult and his proximity to the school was very different than the last time.  I still had to send my son to school on Thursday, and that was when the emotion hit.

I pulled up on Thursday morning slightly uneasy, a little nervous, but resolved that we were ok.  Then the cops showed up.  Now, I’m very grateful they were there (especially because the design of the school leaves safety to be desired in my mind) but that triggered me in a new way.  The cops hadn’t shown up in the prior incidents—and why were they only outside the entrance for the little ones?  Did this guy specifically call out the youngest kids?  This was right after the anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings—was the guy making comments about that?  I don’t know—and I didn’t need to know because, while the caution was a good thing, it set me on edge.  My son asked about the police presence and I told him they were there to make sure things went ok today—and to listen to anything they said.  I told him to listen to anything his teacher said as well.  I know he picked up on the fear as he asked what was wrong, but I told him everything will be ok. 

That was the worst lie I have told as a parent.  While I would never tell him the specifics about what was going on, I knew then and there that there is no control I had that would make this ok, that would guarantee my son’s safety.  I fought tears driving away thinking that my son is only in kindergarten and this is the third incident at his school.  I called my husband and he shared that he was glad the cops were there.  I called my friend who was dropping her kid off as well and she let me know that she spoke with the police and, while they weren’t going to be there all day, they would be around.  A little bit later she emailed the teacher asking to keep the kids inside during recess and the teacher replied that she would never let anything happen to the kids.  That’s when I lost it.  We’ve gotten to this place where educators are normalizing these threats and have to tell the parents they would protect these kids like that.     

I immediately started spinning, not only thinking of what’s wrong with society, but about how to protect my kid, how to be closer to my kid, how to work near my kid so I can get to him faster—even if I had to homeschool him. I know it’s extreme and I know it’s not something I can do in this moment, but I couldn’t live with myself if I never saw him again.  I couldn’t stand the idea that all parents are dropping their kids off at school and they don’t know if they will see them again.  Did I hug him long enough?  Did I give him enough kisses?  Did I rush him out the door?  Does he know what to do if there really is a situation that unfolds?  I’ve been uneasy since he started school because of how far I am from him—honestly, even if he falls and bumps his head, it would take me almost an hour to get to him.  I’m not comfortable with that any longer. 

I started this piece talking about not understanding part of this event until after I got to leave work early.  Here it is: our time and our family, (chosen, birthed, or otherwise) are our most valuable assets and the universe responds quickly when we get that level of clarity.  I’ve been wanting to be home and work from home for a long time and the opportunity came on Friday—and it was glorious, further reaffirming that is the path I need to take.  The incident was horrible and terrifying, but the universe will put us directly on the path we need in order to make us aware of our values in the most concreate way.  For me, that is being more accessible for my family, being closer to my family, doing the things I love with my family.  That means doing the work I love closer to my family.  The universe knows what we vibrate at and it responds. 

We will never be able to replicate the people we have in our lives and it is our responsibility to reasonably assure their safety.  It is also our responsibility to get clear on what we can do to better align with what works for us.  Mostly it is our responsibility to take care of each other.  Reach out and check on people, reach out for help when you need it, communicate, find ways to do things you love and spend more time doing that, find ways to connect with others.  While we have no control over the state of the world, we do have control how we respond to it and how we can prioritize what’s really important to us.  Use the time we have wisely, love our people fiercely, get honest about what you need and follow that.

We are looking for freedom in new ways.  I’ve felt the call myself.  That it isn’t right to work for anyone else anymore.  That we want to be able to call our own shots—because that’s what we are bred to do.  We aren’t meant to heed someone’s beck and call or fulfill someone else’s dream before our own.  We created this hierarchy to establish power and dominance and we’ve accepted that it’s simply the way we do things for too long.  From corporate structure, to political structure, we follow some pattern: do what we are told to do in order to survive.  I’m not saying we don’t need some type of guidance, but we don’t need someone else to tell us what to do with our own lives.  Ok, I concede, this awfully dramatic for what comes next in this story—but it’s all true!

I got to leave work early the other day.  What’s more is that my boss came with me.  She’d had a rough day even though it just started, we were the only ones there, it was a Friday, so she said to pack up. So we did.  I went and spent time with my husband because he gets out of work early and we met at home around the same time. On the drive home, I found myself thinking, “This is exactly what I want to do.”  I want that type of freedom.  I want to go where my energy flows,  I know the saying is, “Energy flows where focus goes,” but sometimes it doesn’t work like that.  Sometimes we are in a situation where we have to put our energy toward something we may not enjoy doing.  I know that’s the case for many of us, and we accept it as normal.

Let me tell you what actually ended up happening because leaving early wasn’t just about getting out of work.  It cut nearly 15 minutes off of my commute.  I got to enjoy lunch with my husband without our son for the first time in two years.  We laughed about crap we wouldn’t normally talk about—we got to talk about things we wouldn’t normally talk about and it felt intimate again.  We were able to finish shopping for the holidays.  We were able to complete a conversation and make decisions without interruption.  I got to go and pick my kid up from school and he was thrilled.  We got to finish grocery shopping early.  All of this was because I had an extra 6.5 hours to my day.  What a gift.  Time is our most precious asset.  When they say it’s about how we spend our time, that is the truth.  But so many people leave out the exhaustion of day to day life and talk about powering through when you “really want something.”  There is a point to that mentality yes,  if you really want something you will find the time for it.  But the truth is life doesn’t always work that way.  It is exhausting and there are only so many physical hours in a day.  There comes a point where you need mental fortitude but not at the cost of physical health.

Life doesn’t work on a structure for everyone because life is chaos.  Creation and destruction all at once.  We can establish patterns and that’s when we feel the best but our patterns don’t always work for those around us.  Sometimes those patterns aren’t even what we want to be doing—it’s what we are told to do (wake up, eat, get dressed, commute, work, commute, zone out).  What happens, though, when we are able to take that time doing the things we love, creating an extra pocket to do the things we love, is we connect with ourselves and even the universe—even those around us.  That is where the real living is.  So, it wasn’t just about getting to leave early, it was about the life that was able to happen because of the focus of the time back.  We need more pockets of life and we need to listen and allow them to expand.  Our time here is finite and we don’t know when it ends—so every chance I get, I’m taking it.  I overspent on gifts but my son is only going to be this little for a while longer and there are people I want to know I’m thinking of them.  I didn’t get all the work done, but I got to make my husband feel heard again and we connected.  That is priceless. 

Trigger warning—topics of suicide and self-harm.

The world lost Stephen Boss last week to suicide.  Many knew him as tWitch and from what I can see, he was immensely loved.  I didn’t know the man personally, I didn’t follow his work, but I knew who he was from Ellen.  Everything I read about this man fascinated me.  There was not one negative thing about him.  Complimenting his ethic, his person, his belief, the way he carried himself, this man did amazing things simply by sharing his gift, his essence.  I could feel the pain of those who knew him.  It’s not unusual for that type of outpouring or the commentary that no one knew what was really going on, or they never would have guessed.

It’s situations like this that bring to light that there is still significant stigma around mental health.  The fact that people struggle with mental health is not a secret—we all know about it.  How we deal with it and treat it is still a work in progress.  I understand that we are dealing with things that are relatively unknown (yes, mountains of data exist, but we don’t have a full physiological reason for these behaviors, especially because different physiological things cause the same response).  I also understand that sharing those vulnerable parts of us is more than uncomfortable because, as animals, if we indicate something is “wrong” or different about us, we are at risk.  I understand that as a society, we still push this idea that we need to handle it all on our own.  I understand we are doing what we’ve always been trained to do because we don’t know any different.  It all makes logical sense how we got where we did.  Any one of those factors explains it, to be honest.  But I understand that now is the time to push for change. Most importantly, I understand what it feels like to be on the other side, to feel like you have nothing to contribute, that he world would genuinely be better without you.

I’ve shared my story of self-harm.  For me that included cutting for over a decade, two sincere suicide attempts, one with cutting, another with a bottle of acetaminophen at 15 years old.  Now I look at it and ask how someone so young could feel that much self-hatred and have such little self-worth. It’s why my work focuses largely on self-care, self-help, and self-value.  As we get older, we do funny things with our value and tying our identity to external factors in some way.  We learn that pattern as kids, but as adults, we forget there was ever another option in deciding worth.  That’s legitimately why I wrote the piece about my evaluation the other day.  I digress.  We internalize those external factors and think that defines who we are.  Throw in a physiological issue like a potential hormone imbalance, a decrease in chemical flow, or an issue with receptors, and we are talking an actual cesspool of self-hatred.

I share that to squash this idea that suicide is selfish.  People see it as selfish from the outside because they look at how people are impacted—a natural response, I guess.  What they aren’t seeing is what that person was going through INSIDE.  If you’ve never had thoughts about what the world would be like without out, then this is your invitation to either LEARN about it and really do a deep dive, or kindly shut the fuck up about it.  Carry your judgement elsewhere.  If you haven’t felt those things, if your brain doesn’t operate the same chemically, then you DON’T KNOW.  It would be like explaining to Neil Armstrong what it’s like on the moon.  We can’t—we’ve never been there.  You can’t judge something on surface level. And maybe that is the first place we need to start: learning to reserve judgement.     

I hate the thought of losing such a powerful light in the world.  By all accounts, tWitch was an amazing human being, loved by his family, friends, and fans alike.  They spoke so highly of his ability to share and view the world with kindness.  I think of Robin Williams and him talking about how it’s usually the people who are in the most pain who make you laugh because they don’t want others to feel that way.  I share my story again to ignite the flame in others and to show that there is a way to get through and to remember value and worth.  The more we share, the more we normalize the conversation.  That’s how you make changes.  Having the conversation, no matter how difficult is how you change it.  Until then, take the time to reach out to those you love, offer to volunteer with those who need it, just lend an ear.  Don’t take for granted that all is well.  Check on people.  Let’s start changing the conversation and the behaviors that lead to feeling this way.  And if YOU need help, speak up, reach out, tell people clearly.  It gets better.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night, or chat online. Crisis Text Line also provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741;  You can also text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 

“You’re fearless, never been afraid, don’t start that now,”  Sir Sly, You Haunt Me.  Life beckons in different ways.  As I’m evaluating next steps (which feels like it’s been forever), the signs are clearer and clearer that it’s time to let the past go.  Not just the emotional components, but the physical weight as well.  The second-nature, automatic responses to things.  If you want something different, you have to do something different.  I’m learning that instead of being afraid of a new beginning, or fearing what that first step means/looks like, it’s time to be grateful for it.  Life is full of unknowns and it can literally change in the blink of an eye.  It’s so easy to talk about the things we would do if the conditions were right, if we had enough money, if we had enough time.  We never talk about what we would do right now to make it different.  We speak fearlessly, we act fearfully.  I don’t pretend that there isn’t a time to plan things out, but I know how much time is wasted talking about it rather than doing it.

If I have to step into the most fearless version of me, I become a different person.  That has its own fears as well.  Will those who know and love me continue if they don’t know who I am anymore?  Will they still love the new version of me?  The parts that I’m now willing to share?  At what point does that even matter, where you say forget it and move forward regardless?  I may not have all the answers to that now but I know what it feels like to waste that time sitting there, and that is the worst thing you could do.  I speak from experience.  Waiting and waiting for the right time only to be in the same place decades later. 

Those pushes, those nudges, that beckoning from the universe is real.  It’s waiting for you to heed the call and do what you’re meant to do.  Your purpose, not what you’re told to do.  I used that line from the song in my opening today because I love it.  The intonation and the intention and the meaning behind it feels personal on so many levels.  It’s not trite, it’s a genuine call to what we feel inside.  We waste so much time holding ourselves back because of what other people think.  We don’t want to be embarrassed, we don’t want to step on toes, we don’t want to offend, we don’t want to hurt people if we succeed somewhere else.  How much of our life is wasted holding our own reins?  I hadn’t heard the song in ages, and it ran through my head the other day so I went and listened, and that line rang out clear as a bell. 

When we receive those signs, right on the precipice of change, it’s important to heed it.  I’ve talked for a while now about the changes I’ve been working on in my life, the change in focus, the developing who I am, the struggles with my marriage, the struggles at work.  When all those things seem to be falling apart it’s time to step up and walk toward the new.  It may be hard to let go, and it may be scary, but it’s necessary.  Life is meant to change.  If it wasn’t we’d be nothing but amoebas.  But we live on this giant floating ball, we cohabitate, we reproduce, we invite life in, we CREATE.  That is something astounding.  That is life.  If we can get this far, we certainly shouldn’t let little things like what people think , literally the electrical impulses in someone else’s brain, dictate what we do.  Take the sign and take the leap.  You will never know until you try.  My call is crystal clear now.  I am grateful. 

It’s review season at work.  I hate doing annual reviews.  It’s stressful for everyone involved, remembering all the details for multiple employees, the agony of waiting for the decision, the fact that someone’s future salary may depend on how they were viewed/perceived in the year (if the company even decides to give them), lack of introspection on some parts.  I think it’s a terrible process because if we were consistent with direction over the year, we wouldn’t need to have a “big talk” at one point determining the fate so to speak.  Regardless, it’s mandatory for the company at this time.  So, I’ve been giving reviews long enough, and I know how to read people well enough, to address the personal and the professional in my employees and myself.  No, I’m not exempt from reviews.  Neither is my boss. 

I wasn’t thrilled with my review in the respect I think some of the big picture like overall workload, overall focus/direction, and how the needle was moved were overlooked.  I have a pretty good gauge on my ethics/habits/behaviors so I know where I fell short.  It’s what allows me to be honest with other people as well—my boss actually commended me for that.  So I tend to focus on the positive when I give reviews, I think we were a little too harsh as far as leaders.  This was a different year, however, and I wasn’t mad because I had already anticipated much of what was going to happen and I’ve been preparing mentally for next steps for a while.  My boss wasn’t though.  

It was early on Friday morning when I ran into my boss and she immediately exclaimed that she was going home because she just had her review.  We talked the whole thing through and I empathized with a lot of what she said.  There are other factors at play for her because she has a higher position so there are more politics in the organization since we’ve been bought out, and that is something we’ve ALL struggled with—she just gets it more.  There are major issues with communication and that trickles down all the way to us.  There isn’t clear direction from above her because we are in this weird state where we have our own initiative as well as the organizations initiatives but we are all supposed to be one.  So, truly, I understand, and it is complicated.

But what I explained to my teams, I became the reflection of their work, and what she had to deal with her teams, she became a reflection of that work.  I’m not sure she was happy with that or prepared for it.  It’s never fun having things pointed out that we need to work on and it’s even less fun acknowledging the truth in it.  No one likes to dig that deep when they’re at that level.  Not that my boss is a bad boss, but we are all human and need to have the capacity for constructive feedback.  When communication is bad, you have to work to be a better communicator.  You have to learn to elicit the things you need out of people.  Sometimes it takes someone outside to hold up that mirror to understand that to taste the other side. 

I think the major point is that we are all in this together.  There is no real need to continue evaluating people like this because something will always be missed. We never take the whole picture of who we are or what was accomplished or the things we had to overcome to accomplish them.  And there are times when we have to face that what goes around comes around.  If we are at the mercy of arbitrary judgement, then so is everyone else.  We are actively practicing things that are damaging to people. I mean, there IS value in constructive, timely criticism.  There is no value in listing every single thing a person has done and deeming it good enough at one time.  No one should have that kind of power and it shouldn’t be a requirement for people to do that to each other.  Let’s evaluate each other on our humanity and see how things change…

Today I am grateful to be able to create magic in my son’s life.  It isn’t easy in this economy, this day and age (maybe ever), to be a parent.  I had this vision of what it meant to create the magic for children, that we were supposed to give them everything.  I spent a lot of time buying my son’s love so to speak.  I’ve gotten much better about connecting, but when he was super little, those formative years where you really need your parents, I couldn’t physically be as present as I wanted with my baby.  I worked a lot, I worked far, and I was always under pressure to be on time.  I know people say kids don’t remember, but my son became exceptionally clingy whenever I wasn’t around.  To this day he still tells me he needs me all the time.  So I try to show him that I care, that I’m always there, that I hear him.  With Christmas coming up, I know I went overboard—to be fair it’s for Christmas and his birthday.  He mentioned things he wanted and I want him to know that for every “No” I gave him, I still heard him. I could be mad about what I spent, or fearful, but I’m choosing to be grateful.  You’re only little once, and that time goes so fast.

Today I am grateful to connect with my husband.  We’ve been working through a lot since October, trying to come to a better understanding with each other, a better understanding of each other.  I know for a long time I took for granted what he needed because I was so angry about the past.  Things that had been done still burned hot and I felt owed because what was done never really was acknowledged.  It was something that angered and embarrassed my husband so he preferred to ignore it, I needed to understand it to know if it would happen again.  We never saw eye to eye on how to resolve it and it resulted in me demanding things and my husband got resentful over time.  I understood THAT.  Yesterday I was able to leave work really early and meet up with him and we had lunch, just the two of us, and we finished shopping for Christmas.  Those few hours together really make a difference, and we really took our time with each other, talked things over (even though it was just about Christmas). It was needed.

Today I am grateful for continual guidance.  I am so fortunate to be learning about my faith and my connection to spirit/the universe.  I’m not talking religion—I’m talking about that assurance that comes from hearing the messages for us.  I feel blessed to take the leap of faith and do things for others that makes them feel good.  I feel blessed to take the leap of faith and do things that make me feel good, too.  Life is about taking chances and experiencing things.  It’s not about perfection. 

Today I am grateful to keep the big picture in mind.  Everything that is happening now from the purchases to the preparation to the gatherings we do or do not attend is all a matter of choice.  I’m choosing what this season looks like for me and I’m choosing what the season looks like moving forward.  I’m grateful for turning a leaf and for the reminders that this is the right thing to do.  You don’t get to new places or experience a new mind set by repeating old patterns.  There is a future beyond what is visible or tangible right now.  There is the future that comes when we take the leap and sometimes that means completely letting go, being present, and enjoying what we have.  Attitude attracts experiences and that is key moving forward.

Today I am grateful to have a plan.  No, I don’t know all the details, I don’t even know the next step.  But I have a feeling of what comes next and I can see what the future vision looks like.  Honestly, that’s enough of a plan for me because what comes next is about learning what I feel inside and how to allow this transformation to take hold.  This is about me moving in the direction of my dreams and the more I do, the clearer it becomes.  Some would say this isn’t a plan—for me it’s the most concrete thing I can do.  Stay true to myself, to my purpose, allow the rest to fall away, and enjoy what is in front of me.  I spent too much time worrying about the future to the point of trying to figure out every person’s next move.  That was a waste of time and energy.  Now I am content to put out what I am meant to and to follow my own flow.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead! 

I’ve been obsessed with magic since I was a kid.  It started when I first saw “Interview With The Vampire” and had my first dip into fantasy/supernatural.  I loved the idea of living outside of time, the idea of being able to experience all of that life.  I loved the idea of being beyond mortal rules, so to speak.  Then I graduated to reading about and watching moves about magic and witchcraft and other fantasy.  I just love the idea that there is something more out there that we can tap into.  I also think my experiences as a child fostered a proclivity to want to control things out of self-protection.  Regadless, the other day I came across a post from Ashmi Path talking about Becoming the Magician and my interest piqued.  She talked about a ceremony/service she was about to host, but her phrasing on Becoming the Magician got me. 

As I’ve gotten older, I still enjoy a good fantasy about magic and power and I’m still drawn to living outside of time…but my definitions and understanding have changed.  See, I used to love the idea of literal magic, creating something from nothing with simply a thought or a chant, maybe a few ingredients.  Now I appreciate the natural element.  I understand the magic that is inherently here.  See, magic isn’t about waving a wand and making things we want appear.  Magic comes from using our gifts to create the life we envision.  It’s owning the power we are all gifted with to alchemize and create the life we are meant to have.  It doesn’t look the same for everyone.  Think about how when you’re really into a project time seems to disappear.  That is living beyond time.  Think about writing a story or building something.  That is creating something from nothing.  Think about passing on information or teaching people.  That is living forever. 

Magic isn’t just about the power or manipulating space/time/elements. It’s about embracing the gifts we have, what we were given on our arrival to this Earth, and making a life out of it.  At the most basic level, our existence is magical and we need to remember that.  Yeah, it’s cool to have power and manipulate energy, but it’s even cooler to create our own vibration and tap into that.  Honestly, that IS the magic we seek.  We have had that power all along, Dorothy.  The first time I read “The Alchemist,” I got pissed because the main character went through all of that crap to find out what he sought was right where had started.  I was angry because I was looking to escape from where I was at the time I loved the idea of taking off to seek my treasure so I didn’t want to hear it was right at home all along.  But there is truth in that.  There is power that we are taught to bury and we often need to leave to expose it and then we can come back.  There goes me wanting to get right to the point again and not enjoying the journey.

Humans are capable of amazing things.  Our greatest gift is to be able to bring forth our inherent power and share it with the world.  Our greatest gift really does come right from the home, the home of who we are at our core.  Sometimes we need a nudge outside of our shells, outside of the things we do to protect ourselves in order to understand what we are meant to do.  We have to remember who we are in order to experience the magic here.  It isn’t about control or proving anything.  There is magic simply in being.  We don’t have to escape to a fantasy world (although it is incredibly fun to imagine what that world would really be like) in order to experience the fullness of who we are.  We can change the way the world works through sharing our experience.  How magical is that?

Life in our house has been a little wonky for my liking lately.  I still feel a bit unsteady as I’m learning to practice the love I’ve been talking about, learning to accept who I am, learning to define my boundaries, and still trying to figure out hat happens from here.  All I can do is focus on myself at this point and I have to allow the cards to fall where they may—not easy for a control freak, people-pleaser.  I also have to learn to make decisions from my core, my knowing, rather than waiting for my husband to decide how he wants to proceed.  I have to do what’s right for me.  Overnight things can change—really anything can change in the blink of an eye.

The past few months have been filled with lessons, mainly about things I need to change and address and things I need to accept in other people changing as well.  That in itself has been challenging because I thought I was on the right course for a long time.  I didn’t really think to consider HOW off I was on certain things.  I didn’t realize how much I was holding onto, and I didn’t realize how unhealthy that was.  I was still holding grudges and it was destroying me and my relationships.  What I thought was normal had made me blind to what was hurting those around me, even though I thought I was doing things for the right reason, or that I was owed something.  No matter how “right” I was, the way I was going about it was wrong.  All of this is why things are still slightly uncomfortable here. 

So, right in the middle of evolving and learning in this awkwardness, we celebrated my husband’s birthday.  It fell during the work week so we didn’t really have anything planned.  I had already gotten him a gift several weeks back that he’s been enjoying.  I still wanted to do a little something even though we both worked, so I took him and our son out to dinner.  While we were eating, my son slipped and said, “Daddy bought you a gift, it’s a watch!”  More awkwardness ensued as I tried to keep things calm because my husband got really frustrated that our kid had just spoiled a gift.  And, honestly, I was confused at why my husband was getting me a gift when we were talking about not exchanging for Christmas this year.  In the end I know this was a gesture in his own way of telling me he still cares. 

I’m not a watch person and I really hadn’t gotten on the smart watch trend, so I was also a little confused why he had gotten me something he thought I would like instead of something he knows I would like.  But I decided to give it a try.  After wearing it and seeing all it can do, I was both impressed and touched.  My husband knows that I’m trying to take care of myself and make healthier decisions and I didn’t realize the extent of information that this thing would show about my health.  This gift wasn’t just about something he thought was good for me, it was actually good for me.  It was just in a different perspective than I was used to. Another reminder/lesson for me.  Practice what I preach and remain open to things around me. 

Healing requires a lot of work and patience.  It requires getting to the root and learning to move forward on new ground.  It means learning to walk again.  It means redefining what works and what doesn’t and who we are in this season.  That’s all ok.  it’s all necessary.  Sometimes we need a kick in the ass to learn and accept things and just trust that all is ok.  Our perspectives aren’t always right, even if we are trying to protect ourselves.  So this watch isn’t just a watch.  It’s a symbol of healing on many levels, physically, mentally, emotionally.  And it’s a symbol that all is ok or that it will be, even if it looks a little different.  Healing, breaking habits, and learning new ones takes time and dedication.  I’m grateful to have that reminder on my wrist.