“When we tune out the opinions, expectations, and obligations of the world around us we begin to hear ourselves,” Jay Shetty.  Ah, the first step to healing: hearing what is going on within.  I spoke about listening to the voices that come from outside a few weeks ago, hearing what the universe is trying to tell us.  Yesterday I spoke of healing and hearing what is within.  Today solidifies that message.  If we want to heal we have to hear what needs tending to because there isn’t anyone who can tell us what we need to create space for within ourselves.  

We are given signs all over, guiding us and telling us what we need to do.  We will often see them from outside of ourselves as I spoke about in listening to the whispers around us.  From there we will often get inklings within as well.  Not one of those signs will come in the opinions of others.  While it may feel comfortable to do what the “pack” is doing and to align with the herd, the soul knows differently.  The mind and body know what we need, they know our calling and they give us signs in what interests us and what draws us in.  As we learn to accept who we are and when we go all in on what we have to offer the world, the steps reveal themselves.

Making the decision to go within is a radical act of courage.  Everything and every bit of information is available about everyone in this day and age.  Information is available at all times and at the click of a mouse.  We want to put on a show because we have to look our best, look like we have it together at all times.  Taking ourselves out of the performance means that we may be isolated, but it also means we let go of the distraction and the obligation of appearing a certain way.

The bottom line is the world and the way we function in it are changing and we have to look at how we function with each other as well.  Human beings are not meant to fulfill a system—we never have been.  We developed systems to assist with making life easier, but we removed our individuality along with it.  It has turned into us supporting and protecting a system rather than protecting and developing people. 

We have to do what it takes to quiet the noise.  We are meant to set our own expectations and adapt to the ever changing world around us.  We are meant to work in tandem with what the world has to offer as well as what the world needs.  We aren’t here to simply take what we can get, we need to be able to reciprocate and we do that by offering and sharing our natural gifts.  And we hear our gifts by turning inward.  And throw in the energy of being healed, and we can go even further.  It’s like adjusting the frequency on the radio—the more we heal, the sharper the signal, the clearer the message.  Eliminate the distraction, the better we can hear that message as well.  Do what you can to make sure you’re hearing what is meant for you.    

“Reminder: A healed woman is powerful.  A focused man is dangerous” via ecommerce mentor. The theme I seem to be on this week is addressing and healing the wounds left for us before we even got here.  This is perfect and something we all need to be reminded of.  Looking at generational trauma wasn’t something I considered much previously.  I mean, yes, I’ve noticed patterns and I’ve chalked a lot of my decisions/actions up to genetics and the environment I was raised in, but I didn’t consider the impact of someone else’s life experiences on me—especially because they happened before me.  Then again, it only makes sense.  They learned to live based on their experiences and that is what they passed down.  So healing those wounds is a lot of work.  When we don’t know how those wounds started in the first place it can be even more challenging.

When it comes to the generational stuff, I sunk at first.  I let my emotion lead the way.  I mean, thinking about it as I write this, that kind of makes sense.  My grandmother was never allowed to feel her feelings, she never let my mother feel hers, so I think I took on the chore of feeling EVERYTHING.  She wanted family and love because she never felt safe with hers.  She was born in a different time, lived through three wars, saw her parents hate each other, tried to be perfect to get their attention, tried to bring her family together.  I saw my mother do the same thing after being tortured by her mother.  Even though my grandmother’s intentions were good, her methods left a lot of scars. 

Regardless of how hard it is, healing is some of the most important work we can do.  It isn’t just a matter of healing wounds for the sake of feeling better.  It’s taking feeling better and moving forward.  It’s moving to the next level.  I alluded to this in a post the other day when I talked about being cut from the same cloth.  We heal what they couldn’t.  Not to glorify the wounded martyr, but we often mistake sacrifice as power.  Really it’s a form of manipulation, an attempt to get others to give us what we think we can’t (or shouldn’t) give ourselves.  I can speak that freely—I’ve done it a million times before.  I’ve already acknowledged I don’t want to be that martyr, and now I see where it came from.

When you’re lonely and insecure, you often look to create any form of safety around you so you have some sense of security.  But all of that is an illusion.  We can only build ourselves up enough to know that we can carry ourselves through anything.  There is no guarantee that what we have today will be there tomorrow.  That isn’t a morbid outlook, it’s more of a check point to shift perspective. Trying to make people happy so they will support you only allows you to feel victimized when they don’t play to your rules.  Developing a sense of self and having confidence is where you learn your real power. 

And I’m seeing now more clearly than ever the power of love.  Love is a healer.  It’s a vibration.  Some say it’s a chemical reaction and that’s true as well, but it stems from our intention.  It’s absolutely an energy that we transmit and we can use it for ourselves as well.  The world needs the power of love now.  We are all shifting and that takes a huge toll on us mentally, emotionally, and physically.  We need our power and we need to focus on rebuilding.  So love and heal.  That is how we garner that energy.  Don’t be afraid to face that part of you that needs to heal.  That is where you find your strength. 

“For better or for worse, nothing stays the same,” Aija Mayrock.  Here I am thrust into the throws of change again and this quote appears at my doorstep.  And for the first time, I genuinely don’t feel scared about it.  Yes, I’m planning for what I can do, but I’m not panicking or praying for an outcome.  I’m letting this one ride.  After my insights the other day about my 9-5 not being for me, I know I can’t see the way this is going.  There is nothing I can predict and certainly nothing I can control about this outcome.  We go through evolutions all the time, either by choice or by circumstances around us.  Even if they are from circumstances, we still have a choice to either go with it or to fight it.  I am not interested in fighting any longer.

For now, I can make decisions based on what is aligned with who I am.  And as I remember who I am, there will be no more waffling or waiting for the right time.  THIS is it.  It isn’t as if what’s coming for any of us is good or bad, it’s how we receive it.  We can be open to it and deal with it as it comes or we can reject it.  Fighting it doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it harder to deal with.

We look for continuity and comfort and that is a matter of safety.  When things change that threatens what we know as safe and we tend to shy away from that.  But there is growth in change, both literally and internally.  I spoke the other day about how growth is on the other side of what we don’t want to do.  The universe is funny that way—exactly what we have an aversion to is often what we need to move forward.  And that is something we are being reminded of especially now with all of the volatility as systems are breaking. 

No matter what we are going through, it is ok.  We all get through it.  And it always helps to remember that we are designed for change.  We found easier ways to live with stable housing and markets for our food, but that system is breaking and it never served anyone anyway.  Now we are asking what the cost is of giving up our creativity for this type of security.  We always knew the way and we were forced to forget and forgo our inner knowing.  Nothing is meant to stay the same.  That is why life is so precious.  We are here to enjoy every moment.  We are meant to experience what it offers.

Today I am grateful to go against my instincts.  I’ve had a major distrust of myself and my ability to transition into something on my own.  I was always scared to take the chance on something tangible for myself because I didn’t know if I could maintain it.  Taking that chance though, GIVES you the motivation to maintain it.  It makes it real and once you get your teeth into something that good for you, it makes you want more.  It opens up the possibilities you didn’t see there and the creativity FLOWS.  Highly recommend!

Today I am grateful to learn a middle ground I hadn’t considered before.  I have always been pretty passionate and firm in my beliefs.  I never looked at how they polarized—I just assumed I was right on most of them because I wanted the best for everyone.  I didn’t consider the steps it would take to find that middle ground I always talked about.  The reality is, in order to change anything, you have to become a part of it first.  I’m not saying fully engulfed, but I’m saying you need to be immersed enough to know how it got that way in the first place.  When you get to that place, you can make changes.

Today I am grateful for my body.  Last night in particular was a rough night health wise.  My stomach was not happy and I didn’t sleep well.  But I managed it and I allowed myself to get the rest I could.  My son and my animals followed me out on the couch, letting me know I wasn’t alone.  I allowed it and I woke up feeling much better. It was a reminder to take care of myself better and that some of the indulgences I allow myself aren’t meant for me any more.  And that is fine. When it comes to moving forward in life, sometimes discipline is key.

Today I am grateful for learning.  I’m reading new books and looking at different means to develop who I am and how I look at life.  I’m also learning how to maneuver through life in ways that I hadn’t considered before.  I mentioned above about having to be in the game in order to change it and I see the importance of that now more than ever.  I whole heartedly believe that we can change and I know with everything in me that we need to.  However, I idealistically believed that the masses would simply take over.  That is partially true but it is more of a matter of more people getting skin in the game and shifting direction rather than brute force.  The same is said for changing ourselves.

Today I am grateful for living.  The past few days off have shown me the possibilities of what I’m really looking for.  I’ve been craving freedom and more resources, but I see now what it means to do that.  It means creating space to do that and learning how to make it possible.  Part of that is living in the moment.  Accepting what is and going with it.  That is living in a nutshell.  Life is a giant game on so many levels and we are meant to play with the powers that be to create what we are looking for.  Being happy to have the opportunity speaks volumes about what else comes my way.

Today I am grateful for clearing.  For clearing space, physically and mentally to be who I am meant to be.  Clearing what is around me allows the space clear what is within me as well.  Taking the time to put away clothes, to clean the kitchen, to finish a book all clears mental space as well.  It allows for clarity in general, sometimes in ways you don’t know you need.  Today also happened to have a cleansing rain so it felt extra symbolic as I worked my way through extra clutter.  The answers we need come when we make the way.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.      

When I was a child, I used to relish this time of day.  Early afternoon, school finished, playing whatever I wanted to or working on homework.  My parents coming home, spending time with my grandparents and asking my grandfather for cookies.  The man loved Pecan Sandies and he always “charged” me a quarter for each cookie I wanted.  That was one of my favorite memories.  The faux outrage as I stole the cookie anyway, smiling and laughing the whole time.  His laugh because he wasn’t serious and he knew I would take the cookie anyway.  A shared sweet between us, the treat we loved to have together.  It wasn’t about the cookie.  It was about US.

This morning, I went to my mother’s house to drop off my son and sitting on her bench was the very cookie jar I used to steal my treasure from.  Inside she put a package of Pecan Sandies and a note that said, “Cost ya a quarter!”  The tears sprung to my eyes so fast it stung. I hadn’t thought of those moments with my grandfather in years and that little vessel held more than the remnants of cookies: it held the memories of my childhood with one of my favorite people in the whole world.

I was only 11 when I lost my grandfather and my entire world collapsed that day.  I knew he had been sick but I never saw my grandfather as anyone mortal.  I believed he would make it through anything.  I never had my real goodbye.  I never paid him his dues for the cookies.  I miss him still.  I think of what my life would have been like had I had a few more years of his guidance.  He was an uncomplicated man, direct with is words, firm in his faith, astute in his knowledge, and generous with his love to those he cared most about.  There was a no nonsense air about him, but he knew what life was.  He took it as it was and accepted everyone at face value which was both relieving and terrifying.  I mean, you could be purple and he wouldn’t care, but cross him and you would be sure to never do that again.  I had forgotten those lessons a long time ago, always trying to prove myself rather than accept.

As I sit in my office, the light dancing through my window, gathering my bearings about where I am and my next moves, it reminds me of that time of day when we’d play those games.  I can still hear his laugh and see his shoulders shaking, trying to hold back the childish giggles he never lost.  I am so grateful that nearly 30 years after he left, I still learn from him.  I opened the pack of cookies and savored four of them.  I am grateful to just be, to remember who I am and where I came from.  I feel safe and at peace here.  I might have another cookie…

Just a small note on the little things in life.  I’ve seen countless memes/anecdotes/writings on how you want to be with someone who still tells you to be safe getting home, or how you know you’re a team when one carries the weight while the other is down.  Those things are true but sometimes the reminders on how important those things are come in different ways and when we least expect them.  I’ve been with my husband over 20 years now and, as I’ve written about, things haven’t been smooth the last month or so.  That doesn’t mean the love isn’t there, it just means we are redefining what love looks like for us. 

This morning, just before 5AM I got a call from my husband who had just left for work.  He told me to go and look at the moon because he thought it was pretty and wanted me to see it too.  While he may be struggling with my emotions/behaviors, he still takes the time to think of me and point out what he knows I will appreciate.  He still takes the time to point out my interests and look for the same type of synchronicities I do (repeating numbers, hawks, owls, etc.).  It’s those efforts that remind me there is something there.

Life has a way of piling things on our shoulders (or maybe we have a tendency of taking on too much) and it gets heavy.  Those are all distractions keeping us away from the real joys in life.  Those little moments where you know someone knows you.  Those phone calls telling you to go and look up at the moon.  Our time here is so short and it is so precious.  Put away the heavy.  Drop the distraction and simply allow your life.  Maybe instead of trying to put in more, we need to take on less.  When we can get out of the way, we can see those signs for what they are.  Marks of love and caring and reminders we are most certainly not alone in this world.  Our minds can get pretty dark sometimes and it is our job to remember to find the light.  Take the call.  Tell someone you love them.  Put down the load you’re carrying and reach out—you never know what will be on the other side.     

Today was a rough day at work.  We are caught in an in-between with our transition right now and directions aren’t very clear so when it comes to assignments, people are hesitant to take the lead and they are hesitant to define expectations which, in a business, you need.  My boss and I saw the terms of an assignment differently—I took it more literally and high level assuming we needed to align with what was decided where she felt we were still in the deciding phase and wanted to get nitty-gritty with things.  I walked away feeling like I was ill-equipped for the role because I couldn’t see it how she did—it wasn’t anything she did, it was just me seeing another example of how I wasn’t interpreting things well.  My confusion was high and I wasn’t thinking clearly.  I thought over the last few weeks where I didn’t understand or my experience wasn’t allowing me to see things how everyone else did. 

Right as these shame-spiral, frustrating thoughts went through my head, an internal voice, louder than any I’ve heard before said, “Yes you are, this isn’t it.”  I no longer have interest in guessing games and trying to figure out what people need when it comes to role expectations and needs.  We are all adults and I no longer have interest in determining what you need from me.  If you give me an assignment, I will gladly try to work it out, but I will not be held accountable for lack of specific direction. With that being said, the voice made sense to me.  I’m not an un-intelligent woman.  I’ve been in healthcare for 20 years, and as time has gone on, there is an increasing push toward interpreting sub-text.  Healthcare is a pretty black and white thing when it comes to what needs to be done—I don’t want to read between the lines any more and then be held accountable for something I may naturally miss.  Again, not seeing the sub-text doesn’t make me un-intelligent.  It means that we are lacking something in communication.

I know we all have moments of self-doubt and insecurity—that is human nature.  But when you work in an environment where they intentionally leave out information or they start conversations half-way through a point, it starts to feel like you’ve become a target.  For a long time I’ve worn a shield because I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of those jabs.  And the truth is, now I’m tired of carrying the shield.  I don’t want to go into work feeling like I’m behind, or missing something because details were left out.  I realized this means I have a decision to make. There comes a point when you have to do what is right for you.

I can either readjust and play the game differently, or I can put down the shield and get really honest about what works and what doesn’t work in my life.  In order to do the work authentically, I can’t spend my days on the defense.  I need to be able to make some moves and feel like we’re making ground.  And in the corporate world, sometimes it doesn’t work that way.  After all the rules are set up in favor of the business.  Regardless of what industry you’re in, the point remains the same (life remains the same): you have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate and what you are truly looking to accomplish. A bad day, week, month, or year doesn’t make you incompetent.  Sometimes it means that there are forces you’re working against and you need to decide what you want to spend your energy on.  Lack of understanding doesn’t make you stupid when you aren’t given the rules.  Keep your chin up and keep going.

“I’m in constant motion of becoming.  Becoming Strong.  Becoming Fit.  Becoming just.  Becoming Resilient.  Becoming Bulletproof.  What are you in the process of becoming?” Evy Poumpouras.  I’m in the process of un-becoming.  That has to come first.  The destruction of what I thought I was, of who I thought I was, of what I thought I wanted, of what I was “supposed” to be/want, of what previously made me happy.  Letting go of the weight of what was, that is where it all begins.  I’m looking at everything I was and the steps I’ve taken as I’m at a pivotal point in my life.  There is no longer a safety net and there is no longer keeping one hand on each rail.  It’s time to jump.

So in order to become something, I have to let go of something else.  That is natural.  And what do I want to become after this?  I don’t know.  I might sit in the soup of my cocoon for a while and try to figure it out.  Or I might let it tell me what to do.  I feel like I’ve been directing the ship for too long.  I’ve been too many things to too many people and, as hyper aware as I have been of my feelings, I haven’t been aware enough of my identity.  I mistook what I felt for who I was. 

I talk a lot about evolution and conscious change because I believe it and I know we can do it.  I’ve witnessed hundreds of people transform themselves.  So I can undertake my transformation without fear.  It’s time.  Becoming strong seems like a good place to start.  Strong enough to release what I really want to say to those around me.  Strong enough to live the life I want.  Strong enough to hold boundaries.  Strong enough to let go.  Strong enough to accept whatever comes or goes in my life.  Letting go of the bullshit story is where it starts.  I’m in the process of becoming legendary.  Even if it’s in my own life…I will make an impact.

Sometimes the most powerful revolutions start small.  They start with a breath, maybe a tear or two, then a single step forward.  They start with listening to the knowing we all have inside of us.  Look at what you’ve done.  Be proud.  Love yourself and acknowledge what you’ve done to get here.  Whether you’ve had the way paved for you and are breaking out of the safety of that path or you’ve had to break down the barriers by hand, you’re taking a chance on your life. Decide you don’t want to stay where you are any longer and put yourself in motion.  No, it doesn’t have to be a certain way to show the world you’re doing something—it just has to be something to change your world.

After what feels like months of gripping the world by my fingertips, I feel a release.  I’ve been creating expectations again and trying to design a life I thought others wanted to see.  And I can’t do that.  I’m ready to be the shore for myself.  I’m ready to be my own refuge.  I’m ready to uncomplicate this.  I know how cathartic tears are, a well placed word.  I feel it in my veins and I see the signs again.  I believe them again.  I’m ready for peace and joy, and fun.  I’m really read to see the joy of what IS.  I am releasing my expectations because, looking at my life lived so far, it was beautiful.  JUST AS IT WAS.  Had I let go of the constraints I put in place, my demands, I would have seen it sooner.  But I need it now.

We are all so tired.  On a personal level…me.  My parents.  My soul.  My family.  My heart.  My body.  My mind.  On a global level…EVERYONE about EVERYTHING.  Tired of proving, of looking a certain way.  And now I’m older, the real edges are showing.  The fringes of mortality are growing and showing, both for myself and for those I love.  The security I so desperately sought slowly falling through my fingers like sand.  And everything we’ve strived for is all illusion.  I’m ready for reality.

Atticus said, “The hardest step is to blindly trust in who we are.”  And that says everything about where I’m at.  I’ve mentioned before about straddling two worlds and there is no time left for that.  It is time to choose, and to go.  Just as I’ve preached, and as I truly believe.  Blindly trusting ourselves, no matter how terrifying is one of the most loving things we can do.  Love is a great teacher, but we aren’t taught to love ourselves.  I vow to stop looking at myself as a burden.  I am emotional but I love as big as any other emotion.  So I’m learning to be in this moment.  As I am.  Accept. Accept. Accept. 

I’ve been fighting a cold the last week—a generous gift from my toddler.  I’ve had to go into work (masked and protected, wielding sanitizer and cough syrup) because one of my departments only has one person and she’s been off.  So…I’ve been feeling pretty beat.  My hours weren’t really forgiving to begin with so extra responsibility in this moment wore me down faster than normal.  I did have the opportunity to work from home for an afternoon but my energy just wasn’t there.  But perform I did.  I did the work and exhausted myself. I took time away from my healing for someone else’s pleasure. 

I took a business meeting for myself hoping it may lead me somewhere and the woman told me I looked good.  She said, “I wouldn’t even think you’re sick until you coughed.”  She meant nothing malicious by it, but it really got me thinking about how we value appearance and our expectation on performance.  I may have looked fine, but I had put in a 14 hour day by the time I spoke with her and I was exhausted.  My appearance meant nothing—I KNOW what I felt.  How we misinterpret the innocuous.  Like sustaining that type of work all while being sick is some badge of honor.  Now, I won’t get too martyr-ish because I know we’re talking about a cold here, but the point remains the same.  We expect people to perform unless they are on death’s door.  I shouldn’t have to prove how sick I am with how I look. 

I know we talk about not judging at first glance all the time but we have to recondition the human mind.  Fast judgement is a primal instinct and it keeps us safe, letting us know what is harmful or not with a quick look.  We still try to preserve our safety by appearing healthy and strong even when we are not and we still judge people by their appearance.  The point is you never know what someone is going through.  My piddly cold won’t impact the world, but if something that small can be misjudged, then we need to examine what we do to each other on a daily basis.

We look for equilibrium, the known, the regular and we trust our basic instincts to tell us what is what—that we won’t change.  But I encourage people to take a step back and pause before you say anything really.  This isn’t about being offensive or soft, it’s about the fact that we have to retrain ourselves because we are quite simply wrong more often than not.  It’s not a criticism, it’s a fact that we need to accept.  And I’m learning acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.  So…maybe I should accept that we are judgey.  Ah, it’s a vicious cycle.  But the point remains—try to not jump the gun and leave space for people.  We are all going through something.