After what feels like months of gripping the world by my fingertips, I feel a release. I’ve been creating expectations again and trying to design a life I thought others wanted to see. And I can’t do that. I’m ready to be the shore for myself. I’m ready to be my own refuge. I’m ready to uncomplicate this. I know how cathartic tears are, a well placed word. I feel it in my veins and I see the signs again. I believe them again. I’m ready for peace and joy, and fun. I’m really read to see the joy of what IS. I am releasing my expectations because, looking at my life lived so far, it was beautiful. JUST AS IT WAS. Had I let go of the constraints I put in place, my demands, I would have seen it sooner. But I need it now.
We are all so tired. On a personal level…me. My parents. My soul. My family. My heart. My body. My mind. On a global level…EVERYONE about EVERYTHING. Tired of proving, of looking a certain way. And now I’m older, the real edges are showing. The fringes of mortality are growing and showing, both for myself and for those I love. The security I so desperately sought slowly falling through my fingers like sand. And everything we’ve strived for is all illusion. I’m ready for reality.
Atticus said, “The hardest step is to blindly trust in who we are.” And that says everything about where I’m at. I’ve mentioned before about straddling two worlds and there is no time left for that. It is time to choose, and to go. Just as I’ve preached, and as I truly believe. Blindly trusting ourselves, no matter how terrifying is one of the most loving things we can do. Love is a great teacher, but we aren’t taught to love ourselves. I vow to stop looking at myself as a burden. I am emotional but I love as big as any other emotion. So I’m learning to be in this moment. As I am. Accept. Accept. Accept.