Today I am grateful for having another holiday with my family safely.  We haven’t been together in nearly two years so to get together and laugh and eat and play like we used to felt amazing.  Seeing everyone smile again and take the time to enjoy being together felt amazing.  We didn’t get to celebrate at Thanksgiving so it felt especially important to take the time to get together.  Simply being present and being together was more than enough.  Helping each other set up the house and razzing each other felt like no time had passed.  And I know in the grand scheme of things, two years isn’t that much and starting different traditions isn’t bad, but when you are acutely aware of how precious time is, it feels like so much more is lost.  I am happy we didn’t waste any more time.

Today I am grateful for the time I need to get well emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I was honestly concerned that I wouldn’t be able to have the holiday because I felt a bit under the weather starting on Thursday.  I went as slow as I could and I got a lot of rest.  I listened to what my body needed and it worked.  I honestly felt so much better on Saturday.  I’m looking forward to the time off I have this next week to really recuperate and feel my way back to myself. I have been working up to this for a while and my mind and body are telling me exactly what I need.  My brain has felt like I’ve been trying to shift gears and keep missing the clutch so it just grinds and grinds.  Now I’m taking the time to find the right gear for me.        

Today I am grateful for safety.  I woke up this morning knowing that I was safe.  On the surface, I know I’ve created a good life for myself and my family—I am truly blessed.  In spite of that, I have been living waiting for the other shoe to drop for a long time.  I’m always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me so to speak.  We’ve been in our home for 6 months now and I’ve been waiting for things to just fall apart—and I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s the fatalistic attitude I was trained with or maybe it’s just lacking trust in those around me or even in myself.  But today, after working with my family yesterday, after taking the time to listen to my body and seeing the results, I truly felt supported for the first time in a long time.  I felt truly safe.

Today I am grateful for trust.  Along with safety, I am grateful for the reminder that it is ok to trust.  I often feel it’s necessary to carry the weight of the world because I want to make sure people know I’m doing my part.  It’s a generational trauma thing where we don’t ever feel like we are doing enough.  Plus it’s a self-confidence thing where I don’t want people to feel like I haven’t earned my place.  Regardless, I got really vulnerable with my husband and I feel it was reciprocated.  It is the first time in a long time I allowed myself to believe something positive about myself that came from another person.  I mean, I don’t believe we need a ton of external validation, but I do believe that we need something from those we love.  It’s reciprocity.  I am grateful my words were received today. 

Today I am grateful for rhythm.  Specifically my rhythm.  There is something about knowing your step and your place in where you want to be that is so soothing and comforting.  It’s a true recognition of the soul.  It’s a true recognition of who we are and that is the greatest form of love we can show ourselves.  All of the things I would normally stress about doing feel somewhat further away today.  I know there are still things that need to be done, but the reality is there just isn’t a need to worry about them.  It’s such a waste of time.  Being present is what I need more than anything.  It’s like what I was talking about earlier with feeling safe.  I can trust it will all get done.  I don’t need to rush through anything.  It will all get done. 

Today I am grateful for reminders and synchronicity.  The universe constantly sends us messages until we understand what it’s trying to tell us.  I mentioned above about the grinding of gears and the knowing that I need a break.  The body/mind connection is so real and if our mind wants to ignore what our body tells us then it will eventually find a way to break through.  So will the universe.  I believe in the messages of animals and I have been thinking about one in particular (a piece is coming on that) and it showed up for me today.  The message coincides perfectly with the burnout I’ve been feeling…so thank you universe, for the reminder!

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead

This Christmas has been a reminder of many things.  I know most holidays are stressful with the production that goes into it and the unexpressed emotions around people who sometimes don’t know the truth about who we are.  In spite of all that, it is a reminder to enjoy the time we have together.  Time passes quickly and you never know when it may be the last holiday you have together.  My family has an odd love for each other.  We tend to harbor a lot of resentment without talking about what the real issue is and then get angry when we repeat the behavior.  Yet we all somehow still want to get together.  I have this image in my head of what it’s like to be family and what it’s like to be present with each other and it nearly never turns out that way. 

We celebrated with my in-laws last week and it was such a different vibe.  I used to feel like my husband’s family was a bit mean because of how direct they were with each other.  But I see how they are able to have the conversation and move on which is a thousand times more productive than holding on to something for 20 years and rehashing it over and over again in your head and getting mad because someone doesn’t get it.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, there is still drama of sorts and there are still dysfunctional things with people not speaking to each other, but once some time passes, they all come back together again. 

None of this is to say that I don’t love the holidays.  I adore the pomp and circumstance and the lights and the glitter and the ability to be happy for no other reason than we get to spoil each other a bit.  I love preparing a great meal and having my family around me and playing games.  I love creating a new tradition mixed with the old.  I love seeing the roles shift and watching my parents be the grand-parents and light up seeing the grandkids marvel at the magic of it all.  I love creating the magic!

This year I am especially appreciative of having a place to bring the family so we can be together safely and comfortably.  I’m grateful to have the family together again for a holiday after nearly two years.  I’m grateful I fell right back into the routine of the prep and managed to get it together.  It didn’t matter what it looked like in the end, but I’m always glad to try and give my best to everyone.  I’m so happy for the memories of what we did together.  The games, the laughter, the kids running around.  Life is chaotic enough, but ironically enough this chaos is life.  Hearing it all, the loudness, the laughter that is life.  We get to cherish that while it is here.  What a gift.

I’m having a moment of writer’s block.  I have tons of prompts and the words just aren’t coming.  My mind is straying with the other things I need to be doing to get ready for the holiday and I’m spinning out a tiny bit.  It isn’t unmanageable by any means, it’s just frustrating.  There are distractions all over between the house, my family, the animals, the things I want to do to make the holiday special…all of it.  And the creativity that I normally tap into seems barren at the moment.  Or is it because I’m demanding the creativity right in this moment when I’ve allotted the time for it?  I’ve been baking and decorating and cleaning and organizing and all sorts of other creative projects—but this creativity for my expression isn’t coming when I need it. 

I spent some time beating myself up and then I decided to share about not being able to tap into what I need to do.  This isn’t a time to push, this is a time to be honest.  This is a time to sit with what I’m feeling and think about why I can’t get into what I’m trying to do.  There is something in me stopping me from focusing on what I want to be doing.  Some long repressed belief trying to peek through?  Like maybe I don’t deserve to do what I want to do.  And suddenly I’m feeling like all I want to do is slipping away.  the ground beneath me doesn’t feel stable and I’m questioning what I really want.  Trying to keep all of these balls in the air has been too much for too long and I’m losing sight on what I really wanted in the first place.  Throwing darts and seeing where they land isn’t cutting it any more. 

I know this.  But at the same time this fear and anxiety isn’t helping to get things moving.  So I have to give in and relax.  I have to allow whatever this is to happen.  I guess it’s time to get in the present moment and get really honest.  Stop loving a dream and start being who I am.  It’s also about recognizing that this is simply a moment.  The fear and anxiety will pass.  I will get back on track and all will flow again.  We aren’t in normal circumstances right now.  

We celebrated the holidays early with my husband’s side of the family.  My son got this really impressive T-Rex remote control dinosaur.  Let me tell you.  Releasing this toy from its box was nothing short of an Ocean’s 11 type production.  I understand the need for anti-theft devices blah blah etc., however, this thing was literally screwed into the box on top of having those little tab-release key things on the back—in 4 different spots.  I tried four different screw drivers trying to get this damn thing out so my kid could play with it—and they didn’t work.  My thumbs are still numb from trying to open this thing.  I ended up destroying the box in order to more easily unscrew the holds.  And I finally just broke those damn things off because they weren’t moving either.

So.  What I want to share aside from a good lesson in learning to keep my cool while opening gifts, is that we always have to look for other ways to solve the problem.  Yes, I tried to play ball and do the right thing to nicely release the remote lizard from its prison, but that clearly wasn’t in the cards.  It took me nearly 20 minutes of fighting with this thing before I gave up the idea of perfect box saved to be played with.  Then it took me another 10 minutes of trying to unscrew the extra tabs before I literally just broke those off.  It didn’t matter if there was a box to play with as a background, it didn’t matter if things were pretty, it didn’t matter if I did it the “right” way.  I found some peace there 😊.  We have to get creative sometimes and go about our tasks in a different way than we planned. 

It still all turned out taking the ugly route.  Once the box was destroyed and this remote beast was unleashed, my kid gleefully played with it on the floor and the table.  He even sent the screaming thing after me telling me it was yelling at me.  I smiled and let the success warm my heart—I won, the box was dead, and my kid was happy.  And then in perfect four-year old Holiday ecstasy, he stopped playing with it after 10 minutes and moved on to the play-doh.  So my friends, don’t ever let temporary things get to you or your ideas of what “should” be.  No one cares and life moves on anyway.  I need a drink.        

“Remember, no one makes you angry—you decided to use anger as a response,” unknown.  This is a bit of a trigger for me because it lacks mutual accountability.  On the surface, I get it.  It’s about emotional control and knowing how to not rise to the bait.  However, there is another side to this.  We are far too casual with how we treat people and far too entitled with what we expect from people versus the system.  With our instant everything society, we’ve formed the habit of expecting people to know how we feel and how we should be treated at all times.  We expect people to meet our expectations without even knowing who we are.  We expect them to KNOW what our expectations are, how to address us, how to avoid our triggers, and to meet all of those expectations with a glance.  I know we are looking for acceptance, but you can’t demand that.  The world doesn’t work that way.  You have to create your own acceptance and let the rest roll off.

We have forgotten humanity to a degree and much of that comes because we aren’t getting what we need.  We are taught that we need things to make us happy and that if we buy into the system we will be taken care of.  As we are moving on, we are seeing more and more how little we are cared for by the system yet we feed into it because we don’t know how to break it.  Humans are not systems nor are they machines but we treat each other as if we are endlessly and ceaselessly meant to fulfill obligations to others.  There will come a point when being treated like this will make anyone explode.

Now, I want to caveat that yes, we can always choose the response we use, but in those moments we are intentionally triggered or gaslit, I personally hold no qualms about immediately turning that on the other person.  I may get angry, yes, but I will not allow you to put any of that crap on me.  I will not take responsibility for fulfilling your needs or for any pitfall you may have.  For a long time I looked at the outside world and internalized everyone’s issues but spit my own out on other people as well.  It wasn’t until I learned to do the opposite that I could really see how to address the issue at the source.  And that is something people don’t like to do either.  We like to band-aid what we THINK the issue is rather than address the wound.

This quote bothers me because it’s an oversimplification of the problem.  Yes, there is always self-control.  But you can’t continually poke a bear and not expect it to maul you.  Similarly, we can’t keep dumping our crap on people, our insecurities, our expectations, or even pointing their issues out to them and not expect some level of push back.  We are human and we do have limits.  I don’t want people to think that they need to constantly bear the brunt of other people and always be the bigger person.  There is a time for that but not at the expense of YOU.  I also don’t want people to feel shame for what they do.  There is a biological purpose for anger and it firmly and clearly establishes boundaries.  Anger doesn’t have to be the go-to response, but there is a time for it.  It is ALWAYS ok to set that boundary when someone continually pushes you.      

A reminder on communication—(you can see my previous posts on this as well 😊).  We have a project at work where we are moving offices.  I met with one of the key players today who is helping us move and found out he had no clue on several key points.  I saw his frustration and realized that no one communicated with him…at all.  Emails were going back and forth talking about who needed to do what, more information was missing, and it was clear the planning stage didn’t have everyone there who should have been.  And as I mention all the time, this is applicable to so many things happening now.  We don’t communicate anymore—we think we do, but we really don’t say much.  We use words that imply without directly expressing what is happening. 

My friends, communication is so important.  With the transition of so much life to screens, we are missing something we used to have.  We are missing the ability to converse.  We spew points at each other, arguments, place blame, when all we need to do is eliminate the middle man and have a conversation.  We all have misunderstandings, that is natural, but we have forgotten how to resolve them, and it is so critical.  When it feels like we are speaking on two different wave lengths, that is when we have to try harder, not shut down.

I think the way to fix this is to simply start speaking with people again.  Reach out.  Learn to connect.  We are so trained and focused on manipulating people to get what we want from them that we have forgotten that they are human.  We have forgotten how to work with their humanity because we don’t know how to find it in ourselves either.  Find the common ground, find the connection, find the outreach.  Find what speaks to you and learn to speak that to others.  We are ALL desperately seeking connection and technology makes that easy—but making the connection is the hard part. 

“Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found,” unknown.  My soul has been speaking loudly the last few months.  I’ve been on this roller coaster with nearly all of my relationships and I have to come to terms with the fact that the common denominator in all of that is me.  That isn’t to say I’m really doing something wrong, it’s just that, clearly, I’m lacking somewhere.  I don’t know if it’s not trusting others out of fear or if it’s releasing the idea of who I thought I was.  Regardless of that, the part I know is true is that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I feel like I’m the outsider. 

I’ve been looking for connection but it took me until VERY recently to realize that what I considered connection was really codependence and control.  I didn’t have a good definition of connection when it came to relationships.  I didn’t have a good definition of connection with MYSELF.  I was raised that anything for me was selfish and needed to be earned, and that playing on sympathy was the only way to get what I needed.  I was never raised to find strength in me or to develop my talents.  So much of this was about learning who I really am and unlearning what I thought I was.  I have all of these beliefs and reasons why I behave as I do and I never really stopped to look at why.  It felt hypocritical because I sincerely believe in the messages I share but I haven’t been a great example of that.  And now the universe is telling me loud and clear this isn’t right.  I know that’s the message because none of my old ways feel right and they aren’t working. 

When what we used to do no longer feels right, it feels disorienting—and that is where I’ve been.  But, for me, this is a way to look at the past and identify where I can heal.  I have long made peace with the fact that my parents did the absolute best they could.  I know what they did had some repercussions on me (to say the least) but I truly harbor no resentment about that.  That doesn’t mean we can repeat the patterns and making those changes is painful.  This isn’t just about the parental relationship, but it’s about the habits those relationships taught me early on.  One of those habits has been to do everything on my own so I wasn’t perceived as weak.  In reality, I needed others—we ALL do.  But the first step is learning to trust yourself and to break those habits of not knowing who you are—or at least those are the steps for me.

So I’ve been trying to reclaim myself and do things that make sense to me, that bring me joy, that make me happy.  I am no longer content to be ignored.  I am being made uncomfortable in order to raise my voice so more people can hear me.  The ones who don’t hear me after that are not for me and I would normally lament that, but I know I am not for everyone.  That is ok.  I am looking for those who need me and for those who speak my language.  We all need those who speak our language.  So if you find yourself feeling as I did, that nothing was working and no one understood, I encourage you to stop thinking it’s all you.  Look around and see if there is anyone who does speak your language.  Or are you surrounded by people who make you feel bad for not knowing what they’re saying?  If it’s the latter, get out.  Find where you belong and you do that by finding yourself first.  The rest will come.   

Today I am grateful for love.  Everyone struggles with relationships at times.  There are days it feels like we have to fight to love each other.  We are all so intricately bound to each other and so fragile in so many ways that it’s easy to misinterpret everything.  We struggle with our emotions and identifying what we are really feeling or we expect those around use to do our feeling for us.  Personally, my husband and I have gone back and forth roughly a million times over our 20 years together about whether or not we would stay together, but there is always something that brings us back to each other.  Sometimes it’s about putting aside what you think is right and doing what is right for the couple.  Other times it is about standing your ground.  But the fact that we have always worked it out speaks more than any argument we’ve had.  I am grateful for that.

Today I am grateful for compassion.  If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know I have a complicated relationship with my 9-5.  Some of that complication is because it is a business and it has evolved into something I’m not always 100% on board with.  The other part of that is the business is built in a small-ish community and many of the same people have been there for years so it’s a little like high school with people trying to get recognition or gossiping etc. Regardless, I spent some time with my coworkers and boss on Friday and afterward, my boss sent a message about something going on in my personal life.  I felt every ounce of humanity she had in that moment and I had a brief respite of thinking, “All of this will be ok.”  I know to trust my instincts (at least the ones that speak this loudly), and that thought (that all will be ok) came so naturally to me that I know it is the truth.  The moment was aligned because my mentor in my other role has asked that I open up and I see the need for letting my guard down and forming relationships.  That moment with my boss solidified that for me.  As much as I need to learn to trust myself, I have to trust others as well—with discernment, of course.  I can’t do it all alone. 

Today I am grateful for reminders to grow.  I feel like I stopped myself from growing 20 years ago from fear…fear of not being able to see things through.  Fear of failing at what I wanted to do.  Fear of never finding out who I am.  And ironically, keeping myself stifled for this long led me down that path of not knowing myself.  I tried to stop time because I found myself comfortable in a moment.  I experienced a lot of trauma as a child and I realize now that I was trying to create a safe environment for myself in any way I knew how.  So I tried to keep things the same.  I mean, I’ve been with the same man for 20 years, we didn’t have a child until 5 years ago, I’m back at the same place I worked.  And I know now it is time to release those images and that fear and simply, grow.  It is time, and while it is uncomfortable, there is so much more waiting on the other side.

Today I am grateful for patience.  Piggy backing off of growth, relationships and compassion, I think I finally understand patience.  I fixate and replay imagined hurts over and over again, so being with people who function differently helps.  We were with my in-laws on Saturday night and it is always such a different vibe than with my family.  There is no pretense or expectation of how people behave or discomfort because we are all so socially awkward.  As we were driving home, I realized that is the feeling I’ve been looking for my whole life.  I briefly felt angry that we didn’t spend more time like this over the years because it feels different when you are with people who own their shit and move on.  That is far healthier than harboring and rehashing a lifetime of crap based on what someone did or what we think they felt or said.  So now I see my husband differently and I am grateful he has stuck with my stubborn, fixating butt for this long.    

Today I am grateful to understand forgiveness.  As I mentioned above, I replay the past over and over again in my head.  It’s partially genetic (anxiety and depression) and partially training (I can trace it back to at least my great-grandmother’s behavior).  Regardless, I see how holding onto what other people did to me, real or imagined, did nothing to the other person.  Holding onto what I remember I did also did nothing to the other person.  I have been trained to repeatedly beat myself up over the years and my brain needs a break.  I truly see the point of forgiveness isn’t for the other person—it is to allow yourself to move on.  I used to think that was crap because I was trained to hold onto it like our lives depended on it.  I completely see how toxic that is and I am grateful to have people who have been patient enough to help me work through that whether they knew it or not. 

Today I am grateful and proud of the small changes I’ve been making.  I have a tendency to be an all or none type of person but I’ve seen how that has led to failure or a lack of consistency in the things I really want to do with my life.  Then I repeat the pattern of getting angry at myself for not sticking with it and for not being where I want to be.  I knew that had to change so I decided to try something different—those small steps I mention quite often.  For the past two weeks, I’ve been making really small, focused efforts on breaking some bad habits and adopting healthier ones.  And it is working.  I read once that you shouldn’t try to eliminate all the “bad” habits immediately, you should incorporate a new one.  The brain can handle that easier.  And I will say that is true.  It feels more complete and whole when you have something to hold on to, and it’s less scary to release the old.    

Today I am grateful to create my own security.  Things are ok,  but I’ve been on edge and highly sensitive.  I’ve gotten to take a moment and settle down where I am and get in touch with some of what I’m feeling.  I appreciate that I’ve been able to take the time to do that and to have a space of my own to connect.  We all carry a lot of weight and I am grateful to be able to create that sense of security for myself.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.   

Over the last few weeks I have found myself in a really dark place.  There was honestly no reason for it and I’ve been trying to make a point to really stay focused on the positive and to share positive things—that is the point of this page.  But I feel the point is also to share the journey and part of that is learning how to get through the ups and downs as well as to point out that the lows bring us to our highs—or at least make us appreciate them.  So, what I want to share is that I felt old feelings of the desire to self-harm come back in varying degrees and I haven’t felt that in years.  I don’t know what brought that on, but there have been various triggers and pressures over the last few weeks from things at work to my husband to feeling overwhelmed with everything I’m trying to accomplish.  It all came to a head and it brought be down really low. 

In spite of all of that, as the universe does, I started getting signs to reconnect again.  I’m reading Super Attractor by Gabby Bernstein and I want to talk about her “Choose Again” method.  At my lowest over the last few weeks, I couldn’t have gotten myself out of it to save my life—and I almost didn’t.  I made sure to keep going through my routine and I was posting every day and keeping my presence up, I was even going to my business calls and working my 9-5 and my side work.  It was so robotic, I wasn’t present.  Yet, reading this book reminded me of the power of our thoughts.  I’ve been shown repeatedly that I need to let go.  Simply let it all go—not give up, but release the outcome.  As I needed it, Gabby talked about experiencing joy and doing things because we enjoy them.  Yes, that is the exact message I want to share, but I really didn’t integrate it until now.  We are allowed to do things for the fun of it and the experience is what teaches us. 

To get into the choose again method in particular, I want to note that this is what really turned me around.  On the surface, it seems so easy (Just stop thinking whatever negative thought you have) but it is deeper than that.  Sometimes when we are at our lowest, choosing a positive thought isn’t possible.  So Gabby put it into perspective and explained that you don’t need to turn your thoughts off like a switch and if you aren’t able to think of a positive thought, you ask yourself, “What is the next best thought I can think?”.  In that way you aren’t demanding your feelings go away, you are simply getting in touch with where you are at now and looking for something that can make you feel a little better in the moment.  And then you do it again.  And again.  And again until you start to make some progress from the depths.     

I never expected to allow myself to feel that low again.  I was feeling things I haven’t felt in a decade, and it terrified me both because they popped up again, but also because of how matter-of-factly my inner voice shared them.  Such certainty and finality, I didn’t realize I was buying into until I had the empty package in my hand, the despair already drunk.  I know now this is something I will have to monitor for the rest of my life.  Emotions come out of nowhere sometimes.  How quickly we identify them and bounce back is the key.  It may not be a full immediate rebound, but putting ourselves on the right track is key, even if it’s just turning around.  Reading those lines right as I was going through this made me remember that I do have a purpose.  We ALL do.  Never allow yourself to forget that because we can always choose again.  What is the next best thing you can think of?

Healing is always a journey, especially with mental health. You never know when you will have a rough moment. I found myself on the floor in my kitchen staring at the clock.  Then I was standing in my dining room, hugging my body, feeling pulled down on the floor.  Then I found myself in my bathroom, staring in the mirror.  My face unrecognizable, puffy, taut, my eyes moments from dropping tears.  And I couldn’t tell you how I ended up in any of those places or why.  I was completely unsure of what I needed to do, feeling overwhelmed with everything and nothing all at the same time, the back of my mind telling me I was supposed to be getting ready for work but I couldn’t do it.  Instead, I mindlessly wandered around my house, unconscious of what I was doing, my son asleep in my office, the animals staring at me how they do with silent worry.  My friends, that was this morning.

Even after I managed to get myself ready, get my son ready, and actually get on the road, I still felt so off.  It didn’t even feel like I was in my body.  But some coherence came back to me as I got to work.  I realized that the overwhelm and the melancholy and the fear all came from imbalance.  These last few months have been filled with amazing blessings and also an unbelievable amount of stress.  It has been multi-directional and chaotic and new and old and uncomfortable—a lot like being on a roller coaster with nothing holding you down.  I know there are habits I have to release, old ways that no longer serve, and that means embracing the new which is often unknown.

So how do we find balance?  Is it even achievable?  I’m not talking about the image of the perfectly centered yogi sitting on a beach somewhere with a waterfall in the background, their eyes serenely closed and the faint smile on their lips.  NO.  I’m talking about the ability to know who we are.  The ability to be fully engaged in what you are doing when you’re doing it.  And liking it.  The ability to have freedom that means something to you.  The bad news is, I don’t think it’s possible in the system we have designed as it functions now.  The good news is I believe we can re-write that and make it possible.

My idea of balance is freedom and honoring the things I value.  I want to have fun and enjoy life, not forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it, working like a machine, having someone else dictate my day.  My idea of balance is to live in my authenticity and help people live in theirs.  We aren’t designed for this, whatever this is now.  I’ve spoken about this many times, but I think we all need a reminder on that today.  Balance, for me, isn’t about control or calling the shots (even though that’s part of it), it’s about the give and take of knowing what you need and helping others get theirs.  It’s living with the natural flow of life instead of living a manufactured, pretend system that never helped anyone anyway.

I know I never want to feel how I did this morning again.  I honestly thought I was beyond those moments quite a while ago.  The past few weeks have thrown me for a loop, yes, but I didn’t anticipate that feeling, simultaneously feeling everything and nothing.  My mind literally felt broken.  And once the epiphany about balance hit me, I didn’t know if I was able to attain that.  For me, the first thing I want to do is stop.  I really just want to stop what I’m doing, stop comparing, stop fearing, stop rushing, stop taking on so much in order to fill the fear of lack.  I want to stop again and re-evaluate because even though I’ve been doing better than I thought, clearly there is still something underlying.  So I need to stop.  I need to get honest and try and find the next best thought I can.