It’s Mutual

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“Remember, no one makes you angry—you decided to use anger as a response,” unknown.  This is a bit of a trigger for me because it lacks mutual accountability.  On the surface, I get it.  It’s about emotional control and knowing how to not rise to the bait.  However, there is another side to this.  We are far too casual with how we treat people and far too entitled with what we expect from people versus the system.  With our instant everything society, we’ve formed the habit of expecting people to know how we feel and how we should be treated at all times.  We expect people to meet our expectations without even knowing who we are.  We expect them to KNOW what our expectations are, how to address us, how to avoid our triggers, and to meet all of those expectations with a glance.  I know we are looking for acceptance, but you can’t demand that.  The world doesn’t work that way.  You have to create your own acceptance and let the rest roll off.

We have forgotten humanity to a degree and much of that comes because we aren’t getting what we need.  We are taught that we need things to make us happy and that if we buy into the system we will be taken care of.  As we are moving on, we are seeing more and more how little we are cared for by the system yet we feed into it because we don’t know how to break it.  Humans are not systems nor are they machines but we treat each other as if we are endlessly and ceaselessly meant to fulfill obligations to others.  There will come a point when being treated like this will make anyone explode.

Now, I want to caveat that yes, we can always choose the response we use, but in those moments we are intentionally triggered or gaslit, I personally hold no qualms about immediately turning that on the other person.  I may get angry, yes, but I will not allow you to put any of that crap on me.  I will not take responsibility for fulfilling your needs or for any pitfall you may have.  For a long time I looked at the outside world and internalized everyone’s issues but spit my own out on other people as well.  It wasn’t until I learned to do the opposite that I could really see how to address the issue at the source.  And that is something people don’t like to do either.  We like to band-aid what we THINK the issue is rather than address the wound.

This quote bothers me because it’s an oversimplification of the problem.  Yes, there is always self-control.  But you can’t continually poke a bear and not expect it to maul you.  Similarly, we can’t keep dumping our crap on people, our insecurities, our expectations, or even pointing their issues out to them and not expect some level of push back.  We are human and we do have limits.  I don’t want people to think that they need to constantly bear the brunt of other people and always be the bigger person.  There is a time for that but not at the expense of YOU.  I also don’t want people to feel shame for what they do.  There is a biological purpose for anger and it firmly and clearly establishes boundaries.  Anger doesn’t have to be the go-to response, but there is a time for it.  It is ALWAYS ok to set that boundary when someone continually pushes you.      

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