A Moment of Truth

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

Healing is always a journey, especially with mental health. You never know when you will have a rough moment. I found myself on the floor in my kitchen staring at the clock.  Then I was standing in my dining room, hugging my body, feeling pulled down on the floor.  Then I found myself in my bathroom, staring in the mirror.  My face unrecognizable, puffy, taut, my eyes moments from dropping tears.  And I couldn’t tell you how I ended up in any of those places or why.  I was completely unsure of what I needed to do, feeling overwhelmed with everything and nothing all at the same time, the back of my mind telling me I was supposed to be getting ready for work but I couldn’t do it.  Instead, I mindlessly wandered around my house, unconscious of what I was doing, my son asleep in my office, the animals staring at me how they do with silent worry.  My friends, that was this morning.

Even after I managed to get myself ready, get my son ready, and actually get on the road, I still felt so off.  It didn’t even feel like I was in my body.  But some coherence came back to me as I got to work.  I realized that the overwhelm and the melancholy and the fear all came from imbalance.  These last few months have been filled with amazing blessings and also an unbelievable amount of stress.  It has been multi-directional and chaotic and new and old and uncomfortable—a lot like being on a roller coaster with nothing holding you down.  I know there are habits I have to release, old ways that no longer serve, and that means embracing the new which is often unknown.

So how do we find balance?  Is it even achievable?  I’m not talking about the image of the perfectly centered yogi sitting on a beach somewhere with a waterfall in the background, their eyes serenely closed and the faint smile on their lips.  NO.  I’m talking about the ability to know who we are.  The ability to be fully engaged in what you are doing when you’re doing it.  And liking it.  The ability to have freedom that means something to you.  The bad news is, I don’t think it’s possible in the system we have designed as it functions now.  The good news is I believe we can re-write that and make it possible.

My idea of balance is freedom and honoring the things I value.  I want to have fun and enjoy life, not forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it, working like a machine, having someone else dictate my day.  My idea of balance is to live in my authenticity and help people live in theirs.  We aren’t designed for this, whatever this is now.  I’ve spoken about this many times, but I think we all need a reminder on that today.  Balance, for me, isn’t about control or calling the shots (even though that’s part of it), it’s about the give and take of knowing what you need and helping others get theirs.  It’s living with the natural flow of life instead of living a manufactured, pretend system that never helped anyone anyway.

I know I never want to feel how I did this morning again.  I honestly thought I was beyond those moments quite a while ago.  The past few weeks have thrown me for a loop, yes, but I didn’t anticipate that feeling, simultaneously feeling everything and nothing.  My mind literally felt broken.  And once the epiphany about balance hit me, I didn’t know if I was able to attain that.  For me, the first thing I want to do is stop.  I really just want to stop what I’m doing, stop comparing, stop fearing, stop rushing, stop taking on so much in order to fill the fear of lack.  I want to stop again and re-evaluate because even though I’ve been doing better than I thought, clearly there is still something underlying.  So I need to stop.  I need to get honest and try and find the next best thought I can.

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