Over the last few weeks I have found myself in a really dark place. There was honestly no reason for it and I’ve been trying to make a point to really stay focused on the positive and to share positive things—that is the point of this page. But I feel the point is also to share the journey and part of that is learning how to get through the ups and downs as well as to point out that the lows bring us to our highs—or at least make us appreciate them. So, what I want to share is that I felt old feelings of the desire to self-harm come back in varying degrees and I haven’t felt that in years. I don’t know what brought that on, but there have been various triggers and pressures over the last few weeks from things at work to my husband to feeling overwhelmed with everything I’m trying to accomplish. It all came to a head and it brought be down really low.
In spite of all of that, as the universe does, I started getting signs to reconnect again. I’m reading Super Attractor by Gabby Bernstein and I want to talk about her “Choose Again” method. At my lowest over the last few weeks, I couldn’t have gotten myself out of it to save my life—and I almost didn’t. I made sure to keep going through my routine and I was posting every day and keeping my presence up, I was even going to my business calls and working my 9-5 and my side work. It was so robotic, I wasn’t present. Yet, reading this book reminded me of the power of our thoughts. I’ve been shown repeatedly that I need to let go. Simply let it all go—not give up, but release the outcome. As I needed it, Gabby talked about experiencing joy and doing things because we enjoy them. Yes, that is the exact message I want to share, but I really didn’t integrate it until now. We are allowed to do things for the fun of it and the experience is what teaches us.
To get into the choose again method in particular, I want to note that this is what really turned me around. On the surface, it seems so easy (Just stop thinking whatever negative thought you have) but it is deeper than that. Sometimes when we are at our lowest, choosing a positive thought isn’t possible. So Gabby put it into perspective and explained that you don’t need to turn your thoughts off like a switch and if you aren’t able to think of a positive thought, you ask yourself, “What is the next best thought I can think?”. In that way you aren’t demanding your feelings go away, you are simply getting in touch with where you are at now and looking for something that can make you feel a little better in the moment. And then you do it again. And again. And again until you start to make some progress from the depths.
I never expected to allow myself to feel that low again. I was feeling things I haven’t felt in a decade, and it terrified me both because they popped up again, but also because of how matter-of-factly my inner voice shared them. Such certainty and finality, I didn’t realize I was buying into until I had the empty package in my hand, the despair already drunk. I know now this is something I will have to monitor for the rest of my life. Emotions come out of nowhere sometimes. How quickly we identify them and bounce back is the key. It may not be a full immediate rebound, but putting ourselves on the right track is key, even if it’s just turning around. Reading those lines right as I was going through this made me remember that I do have a purpose. We ALL do. Never allow yourself to forget that because we can always choose again. What is the next best thing you can think of?