“Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found,” unknown. My soul has been speaking loudly the last few months. I’ve been on this roller coaster with nearly all of my relationships and I have to come to terms with the fact that the common denominator in all of that is me. That isn’t to say I’m really doing something wrong, it’s just that, clearly, I’m lacking somewhere. I don’t know if it’s not trusting others out of fear or if it’s releasing the idea of who I thought I was. Regardless of that, the part I know is true is that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I feel like I’m the outsider.
I’ve been looking for connection but it took me until VERY recently to realize that what I considered connection was really codependence and control. I didn’t have a good definition of connection when it came to relationships. I didn’t have a good definition of connection with MYSELF. I was raised that anything for me was selfish and needed to be earned, and that playing on sympathy was the only way to get what I needed. I was never raised to find strength in me or to develop my talents. So much of this was about learning who I really am and unlearning what I thought I was. I have all of these beliefs and reasons why I behave as I do and I never really stopped to look at why. It felt hypocritical because I sincerely believe in the messages I share but I haven’t been a great example of that. And now the universe is telling me loud and clear this isn’t right. I know that’s the message because none of my old ways feel right and they aren’t working.
When what we used to do no longer feels right, it feels disorienting—and that is where I’ve been. But, for me, this is a way to look at the past and identify where I can heal. I have long made peace with the fact that my parents did the absolute best they could. I know what they did had some repercussions on me (to say the least) but I truly harbor no resentment about that. That doesn’t mean we can repeat the patterns and making those changes is painful. This isn’t just about the parental relationship, but it’s about the habits those relationships taught me early on. One of those habits has been to do everything on my own so I wasn’t perceived as weak. In reality, I needed others—we ALL do. But the first step is learning to trust yourself and to break those habits of not knowing who you are—or at least those are the steps for me.
So I’ve been trying to reclaim myself and do things that make sense to me, that bring me joy, that make me happy. I am no longer content to be ignored. I am being made uncomfortable in order to raise my voice so more people can hear me. The ones who don’t hear me after that are not for me and I would normally lament that, but I know I am not for everyone. That is ok. I am looking for those who need me and for those who speak my language. We all need those who speak our language. So if you find yourself feeling as I did, that nothing was working and no one understood, I encourage you to stop thinking it’s all you. Look around and see if there is anyone who does speak your language. Or are you surrounded by people who make you feel bad for not knowing what they’re saying? If it’s the latter, get out. Find where you belong and you do that by finding yourself first. The rest will come.