While we are small, that doesn’t mean we can do nothing.  We may not have an impact on the entire universe but we have a part in it, and we can always impact the universe for one person.  We have to get to this point for a reason.  I wrote about tragedy and love and the human condition yesterday and my anger that people are in a position where they can’t enjoy their lives or prioritize what is important to them because they have to prioritize the system.  I realized that my anger came because I felt completely helpless.  I envisioned my own parents in that position and it broke me down.  I mean, we have the collective to think about, yes, but if we continue to treat the individual as a cog in the machine, we lose our humanity.    

Life is this bittersweet mix of joy and pain, of happiness and sadness, of light and dark.  They say you can’t experience one without the other.  That you need both to understand the other.  That may be true because to have a true appreciation for something, you have to feel what it’s like without it.  But to see others suffer without something you have readily available, to see others suffer at the expense of some having and others NOT having is life changing and painful.  In this day and age there is more than enough to go around—we don’t need to continue perpetuating the greed in order to keep the system alive.  We may be tiny, but we can have an impact.  And I’d rather spend my time making sure that is a positive ripple versus repeating the same patterns.    

We may be small, we may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things with trillions of galaxies out there, we may be a blip in time but we all have a purpose.  Honestly, we may be genetic cogs in the system.  But I struggle to accept that we are cogs in a system that serves the idolatarized God of money over the humanity of people.  We are better.  We are more than that.  And what’s more is that we know it and we are trained out of it from the time we are little.  Share the stories of humanity, of love with everyone around you because we need a different tale.  We need a story of coming together to find a new way to make this work because the division between those who have and those who don’t is only growing.  We can’t forget the people who are doing their best, doing what they are told, and are still not allowed to thrive.

Let’s remind ourselves what is really going on: we are cognizant.  We have a certain scope of power.  We are able to awaken that power and make things better for everyone through serving our purpose.  For so many years we have been told that purpose is to generate money, buy a house, have kids, get all the things.  But what if that purpose was far simpler: what if we are meant to fulfill our capacity to each other through embracing our humanity?  Why did we have to put a dollar on our effort?  I mean, it served at the time and it allowed for an exchange of goods.  Absolutely.  But we have to question whether or not what we are doing is working by today’s standards, and from what I can see, it is not.  So not only are we cognizant, we are part of something greater.  Let’s redefine what it means to be great and how to make this a little better for everyone.  Let those who have learn to bring up those who have not.  Let us all have the ability to enjoy our lives without feeling like we need to prove our worth or that we have to earn it.   Let us love what we have and share that love with others. 

Sometimes my job is really rough.  Even though I’m not a clinical person, I am privy to many things that happen.  You build a certain tolerance to it after some years, specifically the really awful things.  You see things are a part of life.  Not that you become desensitized, but you understand it differently.  Then there are some moments that throw you a curve ball.  Those are the ones that really test who you are.  Sometimes it’s hard to remember that healthcare is still a business and that is where it shows its greatest weakness.  For all of those moments of heroism, compassion, and love, there comes a time when you see healthcare as a machine like anything else we have.  I had a moment like that the other day and it shook me to my core.

As a leader in healthcare, I’m responsible for bringing on team members.  Again, I’m not a clinical person, so I deal with a lot of tech, insurance, registration, finance, and general navigation questions.  I’m not looking for the person looking to care, I’m looking for the person developing a different skill set: people.  We recently had a job fair because, like any market now, finding assistance is tricky.  Healthcare is something you have to want to do, even at the entry level.  One of my teammates was running the table and a candidate arrived.  This gentleman was clearly struggling—he was a bit older, he had a walker.  He was not your typical job fair attendee. As the conversation went on, my heart broke into pieces.  He definitely was beyond retirement but he suffered a stroke in March and he was looking for work because his wife is in a nursing home.

I want to be clear, it wasn’t pity I felt.  It was anger and sadness/devastation.  How in this day and age have we allowed for things to get to the point where people are in such a position?  I know people can say it’s a result of his own actions but this is beyond that.  Yes, people make mistakes and get themselves in some rough patches (I’m definitely guilty of that).  I’m not arguing that happens.  But how do we live in a society where there is no peace?  This man should be able to spend his days with his wife, making sure she is ok, making sure HIS health is ok.  Instead he is looking for work to supplement the costs of healthcare and the cost of living now.  This is a huge problem.

I’ve always rooted for the underdog and for those creating a new life for themselves, but this is beyond telling someone to feel better about themselves in order to find their life’s calling.  And who knows, maybe this is part of the plan for this gentleman, but that still didn’t sit right with me.  That still isn’t enough for me to feel better about the fact that so many people are in this position.  The fact that so many MORE will be in this position with how things are going today.  When do we collectively say, “Enough is enough!” and unite to change what is so clearly broken?  This isn’t us against each other.  This is us against a broken system.

We have to wake up and understand our part in it.  We all have needs and we all have things we are told we need.  We all buy into stories we are told about what it takes to survive and what thriving looks like.  We are told that we have it good but we sacrifice our time for money and then give up to 40% of that money to a system that doesn’t care for us—it distracts us while it does what it wants with our resources, time, sweat, and energy.  It pacifies us with things and the next latest and greatest, all as sleight of hand.  If you’re looking over there, you won’t notice what I’m doing over here! We have to WAKE UP!  Listen to the call of your heart and do what is right.  I don’t have the answers, but I DO know without any shadow of doubt that we feel something different and we know this is wrong.  We need something different and in order to do that, we need to get in touch with who we are and redefine what we need.  We can all contribute to the answer through finding our place, our purpose, in a new line of functioning.  Please, do the work you know is right, the calling.  Please help however you can.  Remember to be kind because there are so many battles you know nothing about.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted something about independence on Independence Day (mainly because it’s a tad cliché) but with the political climate, the slowly simmering revolution brewing, and all of the confusion, I just wanted to send a reminder to everyone: Find freedom in your heart and mind first.  Find the way to remind yourself every day that you are able to make a different decision and you can see what the circus is really about.  You can learn to ignore the sleight of hand and find your voice to question what you know is wrong.  You can celebrate what is right and focus on that.

Independence is, at its basic level, about freedom from any type of oppression and an ability to move freely.  Right now there are powers that seek to limit freedom on people and seek to give more protection to weapons than people.  It is our right to demand better.  What we are experiencing now is a reach for control because we see systems failing and breaking and all of these last minute attempts at controlling the people are poor strategies to bolster the egos of a select few.  We do not need to participate in this charade.  We are all grown and we all know how to manage ourselves—we need to stop questioning who we are and what we can do.

Real independence is exactly that: trusting ourselves enough to make the right decision and having the wherewithal to understand the impact of our actions.  We will never do it perfectly, we will always be the villain to some and the victor to others.  But we need to be the hero to ourselves and that comes from developing an extremely healthy relationship with self and unashamedly embracing who we are.  Independence is learning to discern when we are being bullshitted and when we know the truth—and when we know the truth, not being afraid to speak it.  So reclaim who you are without the interruption or distractions of daily life.  Be you.  Be wild.  Be fierce.  Be Free.

Today I am grateful for family.  For the first time in four years the entire family is together.  My sister is in from out of state and staying with us and we were all able to get together and spend quality time with all of us under the same roof.  I think of the moments that have been lost over the last four years, two because of COVID, and yes, it hurts.  But I think of the moments we just created together over this weekend and I am so grateful.  They will be remembered forever.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of where I come from.  I did some cleaning the other week and I found a tape of an old school project that I had done.  I had to interview someone about what it was like growing up in a different era.  I chose my grandmother at the time.  When I found the tape I couldn’t really bring myself to listen to it.  My grandmother has been gone four years now and there are moments it’s surreal.  We had a complicated relationship because, as loving as she was, she was also not the nicest of people.  Now that my siblings are all together, I decided it was time to listen.  Each of us experienced something different, but I know we all appreciated hearing her again.  I am grateful for the reminder of a different time, the person she was, and the love she carried in her own way.

Today I am grateful for feeling complete safety.  My husband had a really rough day and there is a lot of crap going on for him at work so he is a bit more stressed than usual.  He got home and we paused in where we were, didn’t let the fear get us, and we stepped into the little pool we have set up with our son.  We didn’t allow panic to overtake, we simply enjoyed each other, together, in the moment.  Those moments are so important to reinforce the idea that safety comes from within.  We create our little nests, our groups to get us through.  Safety is within ourselves and in our network. 

Today I am grateful to learn to love who I am.  I understand that the greatest experience of freedom comes from letting go of what people think of us.  We spend so much time worrying about what we look like and what people think of us that we forget what it really means to make our own decisions.  I’d bet it’s safe to say that we never really know what it’s like to make our own decisions.  We are given the illusion of freedom under the guise of fitting into a mold, all doing the same thing.  When we let go of the idea that others need to give us permission to be who we are, we learn something about ourselves and that is a gift.

Today I am grateful for life.  There are so many things we don’t understand.  Sometimes we are gifted with a good inkling, others we learn about the connection after the fact.  But the truth is we aren’t really sure of the purpose on this floating ball in the middle of space.  I wanted the answers, and yes, the curiosity is still there, but I am grateful in this moment to simply be alive and enjoy it.  There are so many things we can choose and I am grateful to have those choices and I am grateful to put together the life I envision for myself.  I am grateful to have the luxury of figuring out who I am and how to put that in place.  I am grateful to feel life in me and witness it around me.

Today I am grateful for ground.  I know where I stand and I know who I am, perhaps more than I thought I did.  At the same time I’m in this weird place where I’m figuring that out.  In spite of all of that, I am grateful to know exactly where I stand and the ground I want to be on, the space I create for myself.  I am grateful to have the life I do and the opportunities to create.  I am grateful for the experience and the love and the life that I feel.  I am grateful for everything that is me.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

A woman shared a story about two kittens she found on an adoption site and how she struggled with whether or not to get them.  She didn’t realize how much she wanted them until she saw them disappear from their site.  After searching a bit more she found them on the site and decided to get them.  After bringing them home, she realized they were a perfect fit for her family.  She ended her story by saying, “Sometimes my whims are your will.”  She was referring to a higher power, but I feel it’s appropriate to any sense—source, energy, universe, spirit, etc.  Any sense of knowing or guidance that we get.  Sometimes the things we don’t understand, the things we get are exactly what we need.    

Her phrasing (my whims are your will) brought me back to those moments when I really wanted something.  The moments I could feel the excitement, I anticipated, I fixated and I obsessed on some things.  I felt guilty about wanting some of those things and others, I completely gave into.  I never considered it was the will of something else compelling me—quite frankly I thought I may have a problem with compulsion 😊.  When I really thought about it, there were whims I know I could have refrained from.   But after reading that piece, I knew I had to reconsider some things.  Maybe things happened exactly as they were meant to.

I thought of the other side of the argument: If I gave into my whims and felt guilty, how often have I denied myself things I really wanted, thinking I would get it another day or I would have another chance?  How many things did I miss out on because I didn’t think it was “really” for me?  How many things did I watch pass me by because I didn’t think I was capable?  Or that I didn’t deserve it?  Ah.  Again, more things to reconsider.  If I felt guilty for getting things and regret for passing things over, then where is the middle?

What good does deprivation do us?  I’m not talking about self-control.  I’m talking about actually denying ourselves things that we know are for our own good or at the very least won’t hurt someone.  What about the things that are supporting our growth?  Or the things that we don’t know will support our growth?  We don’t know until we experience it.  But what good does excess do us?  It creates entitlement and self-serving, unrealistic expectations.  Sometimes we don’t know it’s too much until we experience that as well.   

Then for giggles, I see that I was raised to feel guilty for the things I wanted and even for the things I needed.  Somehow my humanity was made to feel more needy than others and that meant undeserving of anything. Everything needed to be earned.  Again, I was never really deprived of anything—my parents really did care, they were just confused about how to show it.  Living in an environment where I wasn’t truly deprived of anything but simultaneously made to feel guilty created a lot of confusion in my life.  So this quote put things in perspective.  It made me realize that we are human, I am human, and it is ok to have needs/wants and it is ok to even have impulses.  We aren’t meant to be perfect.  We get what we need.  Sometimes that whim is the will of something that will bring you exactly what and where you are meant to be.  Be gentle with yourself.

I had to take a different way home from work the other day and I noticed something: everyone is miserable.  No, not groundbreaking news, I know.  People were cutting me off left and right and, if I’m totally honest, I got frustrated for a few moments.  I am no stranger to road rage, but this was different.  I legitimately thought back to my time off and didn’t want to erase that beautiful progress.  So I took a breath and saw that people were rushing home.  I don’t know their stories.  Maybe they have someone at home they need to see or who is waiting for them.  Maybe they had a really rough day at work and needed to get out of there and when they couldn’t , they hit traffic. 

I understood them differently.  It wasn’t just about their stories, it was about the human behind the story.  I thought about how many times I’d been angry on the road and how crappy it felt.  I thought about how many times I just needed the sanctuary of my home and couldn’t get there fast enough.  I thought about how I was doing so many things that made me feel miserable.  For those people rushing to cut me off (in bumper to bumper traffic) it wasn’t about me at all.  It really isn’t ever personal.  They are just as unhappy as I’ve felt and so many of us feel trapped—we don’t know how to get out of that cycle so we have to repeat the same thing every day. 

We look at this as a normal part of life—but that isn’t life.  Stuck behind the wheel for hours, desperate to get a few cars ahead, only to repeat it all the next day, that isn’t what we are meant for.  We are meant to be so much freer than that.  I have respect for everyone who is stressed because we are all doing what we have to with what we know—and we do what we know to survive because we think that is how we have to live.  I have to ask what we think will happen if we choose to stop living that way.  What happens if we decide that the “normal” way of things isn’t working?  What if we all pressed pause and found that connection to ourselves?  Would you choose to do what you do right now?

If you wouldn’t do it, then you need to find something different.  I know I have to reconsider some things.  There is no shame in it.  There is no shame in a plan not working that you thought would be “it.”  There is no shame in picking up and trying something else.  We all know what it feels like to feel that way.  We all know what it feels like to be “stuck.”  So if we learn to give ourselves some grace and compassion for feeling that way, maybe we can start having that power with others as well.  We all just need some space to figure it out.  We can all choose to not live so stressed.  And we can all help those who express their stress differently.  We don’t need to be miserable.  We can change the narrative.

I’ve spoken many times about aligned action and fulfilling purpose.  I’ve also spoken about what it feels like to get what you need but I had a moment today with one of my employees that made me realize something: there is a huge difference between getting what we want and what we need.  When we get what we want there is always something else that we think will fulfill us, something else that will take off the edge, something else we think will make us happy or fill some void.  But the feeling we get when we get what we need is totally unlike that.  There is an excitement in getting what we want—it’s a thrill and there is a chase with it.  There is a calmness when we get what we need.

As I’ve shared, I recently took a week off of work and I treated that time off very differently than I have treated any other time off.  My days were still absolutely packed and we were busy but it wasn’t the kind of busy that merely keeps you distracted.  It was the kind of busy where you are making progress on things you need to.  In my case, it was about healing and self-care and learning to experience joy again.  It was about realizing what was good for me.  When I met with my employee, she made the comment, “It’s so hard to come back to work after a week off.”  I knew exactly what she meant and she is right—after not living on a schedule for nine days it’s hard to get back to your routine and there are ALWAYS things you want to be doing.  But I honestly felt something different this time.  No, I wasn’t jumping for joy to go back, but I didn’t have that dread, that weight in my stomach.

I told my employee, “It wasn’t that bad, I got exactly what I needed.”  And that is the truth.  The time off was some of the most cathartic time I’ve had in years.  No, it wasn’t perfect, yes my mind still ran, but I was able to get in touch with the parts of me I felt were missing.  Parts I only heard whispers from.  I feel like if I had taken another week off in the same vein, continuing on that pattern, I would have probably gotten to the root of everything.  I’m not lamenting, it was just THAT helpful for me.  I didn’t honestly have a plan for the time off other than to do things that made me happy and to try new things to connect with myself.  When you see yourself on that level it feels different.  It feels authentic.  Suddenly you see people differently as well. 

My time off also led me to see things that I want for myself and things I don’t.  I got to try on things I fantasized about previously, things I thought might fit me or things I wanted to pursue.  It felt good.  It was a different kind of excitement—it was more like puzzle pieces falling together and getting clarity as opposed to skydiving.  All the things I’ve looked for suddenly seemed to look a bit clearer.  I was able to redirect my sail and it felt good.  Of course I could have used more—we all could—especially when you are so close to a breakthrough.  But sometimes what we get is enough.  I know for me, pointing in the right direction felt more complete than checking off a bunch of things for work.  There is a completeness when we get what we need instead of what we want—and that is the way to go.

We get what we work for, not what we wish for.  I honestly used to hate sayings like that.  I work every day—we all work every day.  We just don’t always get to do the work we want to be doing for the million, myriad, mountain of reasons I’ve discussed here over the years.  We are made to feel obligated to do a certain type of work, to live a certain type of life, and when we don’t fit in we are guilted for not doing what we should have in the first place.  We set such a double standard in this society—we are both liable and responsible for our downfall but somehow success is based on luck—and if we aren’t successful in the things we want to do it’s our own fault but if we aren’t successful in what we are “supposed” to do, we are failures.  After having some time off, I’ve been thinking about this a bit differently.  It isn’t how hard we work, it’s the work we do toward what we want that makes it happen.

The work we are told to do will never fully get us the life we are looking for.  The work we are meant to do will never live up to the standards of what we are told we need.  There is validity in the opening quote but I don’t believe it is in making people feel guilty for things falling apart.  We have created a society where no one quite fits in because the top is reserved for the few.  We can’t blame people for putting in all the work and not getting where they want to be when the table only has so many spaces.  It’s time to re-evaluate that system entirely but that is a piece for another day. 

The nice part about the opening quote is this: we have the opportunity to change what we are doing at any time.  The only time not getting what we want becomes our fault is when we awaken to a new opportunity and don’t take it.  I’ve been there.  I waited for permission for years, I begged for years, I worked for years on things that I had no interest in because I sought some time of recognition and power.  As soon as I realized I didn’t give a shit about that, I saw things a different way.  Not that I have the answer, I just don’t feel guilty in the same way I did, I don’t feel like a failure for not succeeding in a system designed to making me fail.

We do get what we work for in the regard we are able to see results from the things we direct our energy toward.  We can wish for something and wait for it, or we can execute a plan to make it happen.  Most of the time things don’t turn out the way we hope they will or the way we envision them, however, we are able to turn ourselves in the right direction and see something perhaps even better.  We will at least be heading toward what we need instead of repeating what we are told.  It’s about directing the energy toward what we want, toward our purpose.  That is when the doors open to things we couldn’t previously see.  There is opportunity everywhere.

Last year I shared about losing my child.  We knew early on in the pregnancy that something was not right but we didn’t know until near the end of my first trimester that the baby would not be viable.  Hearing those words, that my child would not live, struck a chord I’ve never felt before.  It was a combination of shock and relief—that explained all of my symptoms, all of the pain, everything.  Then it turned to frustration and terror as my doctor told me that they wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy, we had to let it pass naturally because she didn’t perform abortions.  Her job is to protect the pregnancy at all costs, not ensure my health.  Ironic, right? In order for me to produce a viable, healthy pregnancy, you’d think I would need to be healthy.

I spent weeks in the doctor’s office, creating breaks at work, dealing with more vaginal exams than I’d had since my first pregnancy, wands and probes in and out, vomiting up the nothing I ate every few minutes, dealing with multiple infusions, weekly Moncels up the vagina and finally a cauterization to stop the bleeding. I was awake for that procedure, just numbed via an epidural to the back.  oh, and insurance told me I couldn’t get any more anti-nausea medication because I “went through it too quickly” so my days were spent in absolute misery.  All while working full time.  And all of that to no avail.  The baby would not make it.  It wasn’t growing, the heart rate was always too low, I was losing blood all the time.  All to be told I had to hang on and see what my body would do.  It was the slowest, most torturous wait of my life.  EVERY day I got worse.  EVERY day I was told I would feel better soon because my body would pass it naturally.

Finally, I had to make the decision I never wanted to.  My living son desperately needed my attention, I had work to do, a household to support, and things I wanted to do—I could not sit there and wait for this to get better knowing it wouldn’t.  Knowing no one else would help me. I discussed everything with my husband every day.  He watched me decline daily and he agreed that our next step was to terminate.  He knew my body couldn’t go through this any longer and neither could my mind.  So we scheduled an appointment to get an abortion with my physician’s knowledge.

I know I don’t need to justify this decision but I remember writing about it initially as both a method of coping yet trying to make sure no one thought ill of me.  All while going through this horrible experience, still worrying about what this may do to my “reputation.”  Who cares?  At the end of the day, no one else was affected but the core group around me as they offered support and love.  And truthfully, I know it was the best decision to make because the moment it was done, it was like a light switch for the life in me again.  Although a life had been taken out of me, MY life came back in.  I was able to eat within an hour of the procedure.  The color came back to my face.  I could feel my body again.  The bleeding stopped within a day. I felt like a human again in an instant. 

I don’t wish that experience on anyone and I will never condemn anyone for having to make this decision whether it is for medical reasons or for personal.  The point is to remember you have the right to do as you wish with your body.  You have the right to decide what is right for you.  No one gets to pull that from us.  They may think they can but we will find ways to make this happen.  We will find ways to help each other and keep ourselves whole.