The evolution of life can be messy.  Actually, it is messy.  The course is rarely certain, we change our minds, new information comes in, we have endless stimulation from different sources, people always have input, we are never not connected.  And this has become the norm.  We live amid expectation of 24/7 availability and connectedness, the ability to always be on and ready.  The body and mind are simply not designed to sustain that type of pressure for prolonged periods of time.  Yet we wear it like a badge of honor.  We barely mask our symptoms or hide the irritation with the lives we live and we miss the opportunity to fully thrive in who we are because we don’t think we can.  I recently heard the quote, “Build a life, don’t live one.”  This changes the story.

The point in all of this is to create our own story, not live the one told for us.  We have evidence all around us that things are not working as they once used to and even more evidence that they never worked as intended for everyone.  We know the exhaustion and constant movement and stimuli aren’t healthy.  We know there is more beyond the game of proving ourselves.  Yet we still have this need to prove we can handle this.  Life isn’t meant to be handled.  It is meant to be lived.  So if we take the opportunity to really break down what it is we want and what we know of who we are, we can find ourselves and our purpose somewhere in between.

Suddenly the things that people tell us we needed no longer matter.  We’ve written our own course.  We’ve created our own definition of success and life and joy.  What is deemed perfect doesn’t matter because we have found what is perfect for us and we understand that is all we need.  Building a life doesn’t mean things are easy.  It just means there are seasons for sowing and seasons for reaping.  It means we have a learning curve and we have to accept that we may need to decide to try and try again to get where we want to go.  Embrace the mess of the life we build.  Enjoy the process.  There is no need to add the pressure of being something we are not.  We simply need to be who we are and commit to that.  Keep building.

My husband is in the TikTok world far more often than I am and he shared a reel the other day where this kid was describing ADHD.  The kid said, “Wait, so you don’t have thoughts in your mind talking 24/7?  You don’t have intrusive thoughts?”  And the response was, “You have moments where there is NOTHING going through your mind?!”  It floored me.  First of all, my husband and I had a similar conversation a while ago and I essentially called him a liar because I didn’t understand the quiet of the mind.  It was almost the same conversation this TikTok kid was saying.  My husband and I have this thing about hawks so we had seen one and I asked him what he was thinking—he told me nothing.  I immediately spun into, “That’s impossible, you can’t be thinking NOTHING.  The mind doesn’t work like that, it’s always going.” Bless my husband for not getting into a larger argument with me because he left it at, “I don’t know, my mind doesn’t work like that.”     

I hadn’t thought of that conversation in a long time but I have been thinking about my mind and how it’s been fragmented, thoughts all over the place, not clear, easily distracted, constantly moving, etc. etc.  Then this little gem of a video shows up and it struck me immediately: Oh my gosh, there are people who literally don’t have thoughts constantly bombarding them.  My next thought was about how nice that would be.  Moments of quiet and the ability to process things going on around me differently, to not feel constantly attacked.  I mean, I’m learning to appreciate my anxiety on some level because I read an article about the dysfunction of anxiety and that it’s often the result of a dysregulated nervous system from exposure/trauma so the body is constantly heightened.  It’s just doing what it thinks it needs to do.  However, this TikTok video floored me because I was so ignorant to the possibility of another way.

I started thinking about my family and asking the question, “So you mean there are families that don’t live with crippling anxiety and guilt?”.  This is one of those steps in healing yourself that feels like an epiphany.  I can appreciate that my family did the best they could with what they had.  That’s how we all live.  We do the best we can until we know better.  Now I know better.  For a long time I wanted to be medicated but I was afraid it would dull the “creativity” in my mind.  I never understood that creativity was destructive and I’m more curious about the peace that comes with silence.  I’m more curious about what it feels like to not live heightened all the time.

So I’d like to thank TikTok for teaching me that there is another way and that I will always be learning and there is no end to the journey of things evolving and changing.  Ironic considering one of my main works was about conscious evolution and understanding how to make choices that move us forward.  Also ironic considering we talk about openness here and understanding other people’s minds work differently.  Regardless, the point IS to learn and evolve no matter the source.  We do function differently and we need to hear messages a few times in different ways sometimes.  That was my lightbulb moment.

A timely (short) reminder:  I listened to a meditation the other day talking about the impact we make on this world.  Immediately after, I saw a brief clip on Steve Prefontaine and it got me curious so I started looking up information about his life.  I remember the movie about him with Jared Leto but I never watched it so I honestly didn’t realize he had passed away so young.  The timing on the messages about impact of life followed by someone who changed the story of running in such a short time struck me: it isn’t the length of someone’s life, it’s the impact that matters. 

I’ve often talked about my obsession with time and fearing I’m constantly behind or that I’m running out of time.  The more time we spend in fear, the less time we spend doing something impactful.  We never know when our time is up.  We never know what our impact will be.  So the point isn’t to live with the thought of legacy, the point is to live life like you mean it.  Live life like it matters that you are here today, that you are here now and do the best you can do in that moment.  The rest all comes into play.  You never know the story you leave behind so focus on living the best version of it while you’re here.

For someone like Steve Prefontaine, it became running.  For others it was a message of kindness and equality and equity in the world.  For others still it was about faith and sharing.  And for more still to come it’s about elevating the paradigm and shifting into a different type of consciousness where we choose a new way over what no longer works.  We are so fortunate to be alive in this time in spite of the chaos and destruction.  We are witnessing the rebirth and the evolution of what is to come.  Creation is just as messy as destruction at times.  So don’t worry about the length of time you have to experience these things, worry about what you can do to make it better.       

I want to talk about getting what we need—I wrote a piece a while back about the feeling that happens when we get what we need and I want to dive more into context around that.  I’ve had the privilege of experiencing some truly loving and giving people in my life.  I’ve witnessed things I wish were within my power to do and I’ve learned to be more generous in specific areas of my life, so I am truly grateful to see the power of being a more loving, open person.  I’ve also witnessed people giving what they think someone needs and expecting something in return.  I’ve seen first hand how this doesn’t work and builds resentment. 

I wrote a piece a long time ago about the people who guilt us with the things they do—they give but with expectation.  Lately there has been a lot of confusion in my relationships about the exchange of energy, things, and what the future looks like.  I’ve learned that people can be generous but that generosity may not serve for much if they aren’t giving what is needed.  If they aren’t giving what is needed, it really isn’t of benefit to the receiver because it is designed to benefit the giver.  It’s like walking in a desert only to find soda at the end.  It will never sustain you.  It’s a temporary hit to dull the need, but that need is always there. 

The act of giving is a beautiful thing but only if it doesn’t have strings attached.  We are communal animals and we appreciate help, and many times we need help whether we admit it or not.  But to hold something over another person’s head when it was within your capacity to give it is not generosity—that is manipulation. This turns the conversation to energy which is ultimately the point.  We need energy and we often seen it in the path of least resistance even if it means taking that energy from someone.  Think about a child acting up:  they don’t care if they are being yelled at, they are getting attention.  This is a similar concept.  It doesn’t matter if we can learn to fill our own cups, if we can make other people do things for us, that gives a false sense of power.  This means we have to be discerning in how we spend our energy and how we refill it as well, which means we need to be aware of the people we surround ourselves with.

Being kind is key.  At the end of the day, we are all looking for the same thing: fulfillment and peace.  Some of us aren’t taught that those are the things we really want so we spend more time doing things to find energy and doing what we THINK someone else wants instead of learning how to communicate and see things from their perspective.  Just because we think someone needs something, they may not need what we have to offer.  And there are times when what we think we need we have to learn to do for ourselves rather than expect it from someone else.  The point is to understand where all of this comes from: it’s to fill a gap/need in energy.  Find the things we need to satiate rather than looking for the temporary fixes.  That is how we fulfill our purpose at the end of the day: learning to recognize our own needs and how to satisfy them.

Today I am grateful for poor sleep.  No, it isn’t something I want to experience often, but I am grateful for the things that kept me up most of the night because those are the things I can work on.  Those are the things I need to address in my waking life in order to get where I want to be.  Those are the things I can no longer suppress or repress because they aren’t as far beneath the surface as I thought.  The hyper-independence isn’t working, the “everything is under control” BS isn’t working, the feeling that everything is falling apart isn’t working.  There is a reality between the world of dreams and the imagined failures we feel.  There is the day to day where we can close the gap and that is most easily done through acceptance.  If it takes a rough night to get a step closer to where I need to be, I will take it.

Today I am grateful for control.  I’m not talking the illusion of control because I know it doesn’t exist.  I am talking about the level of opportunity and the amount of options we have.  We are literally never stuck no matter what it looks like.  Yes, some circumstances are harder to remove ourselves from, but we always have the option.  In that regard, specific to my brain, I’m grateful to have enough control to come to terms with things that happened.  My body is literally running hot with the waves of energy and emotion and it is physically one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever felt.  But sitting with that discomfort, raw and whole exposes a new approach.  No, it isn’t pretty.  But we do have a say and in the grand scheme of things, that’s all we need. 

Today I am grateful for the infinite chances to start over and try again.  We all have moments when we feel like the most terrible person in the world but, in my experience, I have always woken up again the next day to start over again.  Rough days come and we have little say in their arrival.  We also have little say in what constitutes rough because different things happen at different times.  Rough days at work or with our kids or with our partners or families or friends.  It was a rough week (and that may have also been part of the issue with last night’s sleep) but I am still awake and still have the chance to start again. 

Today I am grateful for routine.  So much of the irritability and the anxiety of the last week has been because I’m off of my routine.  That’s a story for another day, however, I am so grateful to know this.  When we aren’t in alignment with ourselves, even if it is something as simple as listening to affirmations, our world tends to tilt a bit.  Getting back to routine, even if it’s only a small step in the right direction, a small reminder of why you started the routine in the first place, that is enough.  Having patterns that keep me sane and healthy are essential to functioning.  It doesn’t make me weak or basic.  It keeps me on a solid foundation.

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  This is one of the hardest things to do, especially when coping with anxiety and perfectionism, and quite frankly, just getting through the day in this society.  Any opportunity I can work on accepting myself and taking care of who I am at my core is welcome and necessary.  It is welcome and necessary for everyone else as well.  Any step you can take whether it is feeding yourself healthy food, talking a five minute walk, taking a bath, or even being able to step out and help a friend.  Anything you can do to embrace who you are and where you’re at is so necessary.  How can you accept yourself more today?

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead!

When we are in the process of becoming, it’s easy to allow fear to take over.  There are countless unknowns, it doesn’t feel familiar, it can be lonely or isolating, and there isn’t a familiar gauge of “success” or knowing something is working.  I listened to a meditation by Jay Shetty about not letting fear take control.  How often do we want to do something and we find ourselves stuck in the same position?  Jay even said, “Imagine you’re sitting on a couch watching TV and you take a picture of yourself.  Fast forward a few years and you are on the couch looking at pictures and you see yourself doing the exact same thing—you haven’t changed.”  That struck me. 

There are so many things that hold us back, fear among the top of them.  I’m guilty of repeating the pattern for years, not looking at whether or not it moved me forward or if I was repeating the same cycle.  I’d sit there wanting things to be different, daydreaming about something new, but nothing ever happened.  For many things, I watched time go by thinking I would do it later or that the right resources would come, but I never stopped the pattern of what I was already doing.  How can new experiences arise from doing the same thing? They can’t.

Jay then posed a question.  He said, “What decisions move us forward or keep us where we are?”  The truth is the process of becoming is more about listening and understanding who we are.  It’s about finding the path to our intuition and following that road.  Listening to our own internal guidance system.  This is when you let go of who you are supposed to be and simply be who you are.  In order to do that we have to focus on the process, not the outcome.  In the process you will become great.  So if you take the time to learn how to be yourself, the things you want and need are clear and so is the path to attaining them—because your path serves other people as well.

It can be so challenging to trust ourselves when everything around us from the time we are born tells us not to.  We are taught to trust everything but ourselves.  Finding that path back to our intuition can be muddy at first, but with practice, it becomes clearer.  We have to learn to take the road of the unknown and embrace the unfamiliar, learn to rely on ourselves, and not worry about the success of a thing.  We have trust it is all part of the process no matter the result.  It isn’t about the result, it is about the residual you leave in your path and the trail you leave.  So choose to do something different and unlock the path to something different.  You never know where a different decision will lead you.      

I got to work the other day and saw that one of my coworkers was still sending emails at 9:45pm. Our departments close at 6pm at the latest, so there is no reason to be working nearly four hours after close, especially given the content of the email.  I got pissed.  My first thought was this person is showing off in the absence of our boss.  Then it was along the lines of wow, they’re really trying to climb here.  Then it was who the hell wants to work that late?  Do you have nothing better to do?

Within seconds I heard a voice in my head say, “This isn’t your problem.  This is ego.”  I have never had a message hit me that quickly when starting to spiral with guilt.  Because that was it: I felt guilty that I wasn’t working that late and honestly that I didn’t care to work that late.  I still have some of those people pleasing habits and I know my boss would work 24/7 if given the option—she practically does already—so I felt the rush of, “I need to work that late too! I have so much to do, I need to do everything I can!” wash through me.  But hearing that voice say it isn’t my problem helped me put it in perspective: it doesn’t matter if they work that late.  It doesn’t matter if I do.  If they find joy in doing that and yields results that work for them, great.  I need to find my own thing.

So that is level two: I know I want to create a life where I find joy in every moment and time slips away because I enjoy what I’m doing.  I want the project that keeps me awake with joy and purpose, doing something I WANT to spend time on.  For my coworker, if that means checking emails at 9:45pm, then I won’t begrudge that.  At one point I wanted to take over the industry and fix it.  I wanted to make it work how I saw fit, to make it fair. That is no longer my goal so I don’t need to be awake until 10pm answering those types of emails.  For my purpose, spending time that way is a waste.  My joy is elsewhere, my coworker can keep the thrill of that climb.  My joy comes from a different place and that is ok. We are simply different people in different places in our lives.

I want to acknowledge it can still be frustrating to see things like this, especially for guilt-heavy, people-pleasing, accolade addicts.  Those things take time to heal and to learn to find worth from within.  Human nature is to feel like we need to keep up with those around us, especially when they do things we don’t want to be doing—we somehow think matching what they do will work for us and get the same result.  That isn’t always true.  It is time to let go and be free of the weight of other people’s expectations.  I remember my boss saying at one point the rest of us needed to pick up on something but it had nothing to do with my teams and she threw in that this one person is always picking up.  Well, she left out that those projects belonged with that person. 

Which leads to the last point: we are not all the same.  We can’t be expected to perform as someone else and we can’t hold that over someone when it literally has nothing to do with them.  It’s like demanding you speak another language when you haven’t had any type of training and you aren’t going to any place that requires it.  There is no point to it for them.  Worse, then not demanding the reciprocal.  I’ve had to fill in for areas that have nothing to do my work but other teams haven’t had to help me—so why would I hold myself to the expectation any longer?  That’s a boundary.  We are not the same and working the way you do doesn’t work for me.  So this is a lesson in acceptance and allowing.  My coworker’s actions are no reflection on me and it shouldn’t bother me if that isn’t my path regardless.  We need to walk our own paths and take care of our goals—don’t get distracted by others.  Allow and watch the doors open for you.

I was at work the other day reviewing some old disaster plans (immediately post 9/11/2001) after cleaning out some drawers in one of our offices.  The language struck me.  I mean, I clearly remember the events of that day and I understand the response needed in anticipation of a similar event—the entire nation felt it.  But what got me was the phrasing related to healthcare workers.  The expectation that they would be available for as long as needed as soon as called no matter what happened. The expectation that their children would come with them if no alternatives were available.  The idea that these people would march to any order when called.  Again, I’ve been in healthcare for 20 years, I’m no stranger to the expectation of the work.  But to see the demand on paper disturbed me and got me thinking about boundaries.

The way the words were written clearly set the tone that the individual’s needs were last (again, in some cases I completely understand this), but it demonstrated that those in healthcare service were merely servants.  These people are not to be treated as someone stepping up in a crisis and doing something good, they are treated as a commodity to be used until they couldn’t perform anymore and the next one stood up.  Why is that those who are called to serve and help are put in a position to go beyond their means at all times?  Why is it the norm for them to experience burn out in the face of stress and crisis?  This isn’t normal.  Altruism should not be met with expectation of draining all energy. 

But it is still like this to this day.  Everything in healthcare constitutes an emergency and there are no boundaries.   There is also a lack of critical thinking.  I don’t save lives by any means, I’m not clinical, but my life is constantly disrupted and turned upside down by the demands of the field.  It’s no wonder that I feel frustration and anger all the time.  There is no reason that all of my energy need be focused on a place that doesn’t replenish that energy.  I’m not a battery designed to serve you until I need a recharge. Humans are multi-faceted and we have myriad of needs and setting the precedent that other people’s needs always come before your own is a dangerous thing. 

Why is it ok to set the expectation that some have to give all?  Or that in order to get what we want we have to give all?  To some degree there is truth—in order to become who you are you need to give up who you were.  But our time is finite and we need to prioritize how we spend it.  Time is one transaction you can’t fix.  You can change the direction moving forward, but you can’t change what happened.  So when it comes to the environment you’re in, make sure it is something that fills you up.  There are genuinely people who don’t mind being available 24/7, they love responding to the call of crisis.  I am actually one of them—but my definition of a crisis is different.  Staffing is not an emergency.  You forgetting to close a drawer is not an emergency.  I am setting that boundary.  That means being ok with being different from the group.  So be it.

I’m not a commodity.  If I give you my energy it is my choice and it is not to be taken advantage of.  We need to respect each other and appreciate each other.  I’m not talking lip service and saying thank you and then ignoring the person until we need something from them.  I’m talking about hearing what they need and actually fulfilling that need (I have a piece on this coming up).  It’s a mutual reciprocity and I know not everyone works like that.  But even the most giving of people need to replenish every now and then.  We need to ask ourselves why we do what we do and what we can do to make it better.  To make ourselves feel better.  To function better.  To not burnout.  That starts with respecting ourselves and setting the boundary.  With knowing who you are.  I’m not a disaster commodity, I’m a human.       

Tabitha Brown put out a couple of videos the other day about finding “you time.” She spoke beautifully about how we constantly do, and we are doing for others.  So many of us deplete our energy in the service of others whether it is at work, helping friends, or with family.  All of those are necessary things at times, but we have a tendency to put aside what we need because we don’t want to get in touch with the chaos inside to hear the honest voice.  We don’t want to acknowledge that voice because, for many of us, we are afraid those needs won’t be met or that we aren’t worthy of having those needs met.  We are afraid that the people we’ve helped won’t be there in the same way we were there for them.  We don’t want to be disappointed in not getting what we really want.  But a funny thing happens: sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we end up getting what we need.  That only happens when we slow down enough to hear what that inner voice is saying.

I want to talk about this time between being who we were and being who we are…and finding who we are meant to be, the time you are learning to recognize that voice.  When you’re in transition, it’s a remembering who you are along with becoming who you were meant to be and struggling to put away what you’ve always done or have been told to do.  It’s a confusing transition.  It holds a lot of weight, some of which you didn’t know you carried. It’s hard to see who we are becoming when we are still putting away who we’ve been.  There are facets of familiarity in the past version of ourselves that cling tightly, or perhaps it’s that we cling tightly, because we know it so well.  We believe that’s who we are, who we have to be.  So when we finally start taking the steps out of our comfort zone, things feel different.  We don’t know how to react to things because we only have our previous framework.

Becoming someone new is messy because we have to redefine everything.  We are being poured into a new mold but we are breaking every boundary we’ve been put in or that we set before.  This in-between can be confusing because we can’t quite see the finished product yet.  We don’t know the reaction this person has to a familiar circumstance.  We don’t know how we feel being someone new.  But the more you spend time being you, welcoming you, the easier this becomes.  That is why Ms. Brown tells us to take this time and really get in touch.  To honestly listen.  No judgement, just open ears to the sound of our own voice. 

It’s a beautiful thing.  The sound of our own voice is so present within us that it’s almost easy to ignore—it’s just always there.  Ironically it’s the easiest voice to dismiss because it has something to say about EVERYTHING.  So while we hear it, we aren’t really listening to it.  There’s also this need for validation, like what we believe of ourselves has to be confirmed and deemed appropriate by others.  We focus so much on being heard by others that we don’t notice the impact of not hearing ourselves.  Whether it’s seeing someone step boldly out of the realm of what you think is a standard or trying on an old dress and wearing it to work (see previous two posts).  The point is, unbecoming/becoming can be an awkward transition but we have to see it through.  So get selfish and take that you time to find who you are and fill your cup enough so it runs over.  It isn’t selfish if there is a purpose.