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Just a short post tonight since I’m feeling a little off.  I’ve been dealing with illness in the house for the last week and it finally hit me hardcore last night.  I’ve been in kind of a daze for the last 24 hours, not feeling right.  I feel like I’m caught in-between where I’m supposed to be and where I am.  Maybe it’s the holidays being over or maybe it’s the sense of unmet expectations coupled with being sick, but I feel off.  At the same time, I feel a sense of anticipation, like I’m at the precipice of something waiting for me to begin—but I’m not sure what the next steps are.  Everything has been so out of whack this week that it’s left me feeling like I’m on some fairly unsteady ground.  I know I have to do some re-grouping because I don’t want to continue feeling like this.

My first step at this point is to get healthy again.  I haven’t been very well rested and I’ve been dehydrated and not feeling well for a few days so I know I’m not thinking clearly.  Couple that with the holiday chaos and I’m definitely distracted and off-kilter. That leads to the next step: get clear.  I have to keep in mind that this isn’t normally how I function and that I will make better choices when I am healthy.  I have some big goals for the next year and I don’t want to bring this mental clutter forward.

Getting clarity also means clarity on where I’m at mentally and not allowing myself to fall into it.  Right now I’m just overwhelmed and I’m emotional.  Sometimes when you’re overwhelmed or not feeling well, the only thing you can do to get out of it is take a single step.  It’s also important to keep perspective.  All of the things I’m looking to accomplish can be done with small steps.  I don’t need to have it all solved right now—none of us do.  All we have to do is take one step.

It’s an uncomfortable feeling to not know which way to go.  It’s also a powerless feeling and confusing.  But it’s only a feeling and it passes.  So sit with it and listen.  Maybe it’s just a difficult state of mind that will resolve.  Maybe you’re being guided to something bigger.  Or maybe you’re just not feeling well and waiting to heal.  Breathe.

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After a crazy two days, I’ve received the universal message to buck up.  I’m choosing to look at it as a sign that I am meant for bigger things than childish whining about things people deal with every day.  One of my goals has been emotional control and I can only do that if I don’t allow myself to sink into the emotions as they are happening.  I’m not sure if people agree with me one way or the other (is it really just whining or is it justified in some way) but I have to look at the message for what it is: focus on what is really important rather than what did or didn’t go my way.

I received a rewards coupon for a store and wanted to use it today.  I had used one of my gifts for Christmas to buy something else for my husband so I wanted to buy a movie for myself—nothing extravagant, just the movie.  While we were there I figured we could also pick up a card for our gaming unit and rent a movie for the whole family—I had more than enough on my rewards coupon.  While checking out I was informed that the coupon couldn’t be used on digital codes (the card for the gaming unit) so I said fine, that’s my fault for not reading the coupon.  I then asked to have it applied to the movie only and was told that I couldn’t do that because the total purchase had to be greater than that of the coupon.  I walked out after declining the purchase because I had no intention of spending more money today.

My husband bought himself some ear buds and after finding out that I couldn’t use the coupon myself, he then went back in and had the coupon applied toward his purchase.  I felt myself going down the old path of anger followed by the pity party.  I mean, seriously?  I’ve had an incredibly stressful week and now I’m not even allowed to spend $15 on myself?!  But my husband can spend limitless amounts on himself while I pick up the slack?  I’m honestly still a little irked by that one.

When we got home I felt the need to ask for some guidance.  The card I drew from Gabby Bernstein’s Super Attractor Deck was “When I introduce joy to a situation I change the vibrational frequency of what’s happening around me.”  So basically just look at the situation differently.  If I want to feel differently, I have to behave differently.  I don’t know if there is a right or a wrong but the universe has clearly been showing me that it isn’t about me—at all.  It’s time to make the shift to doing what matters and taking control of my own behaviors and reactions.  If I want to be a person who looks at the big picture then I need to remind myself of that before letting my emotions get the best of me.

The things that annoy me are really simply annoying my ego.  I know I have nothing to be truly upset about and I am not truly lacking.  There are better ways to care for myself than spending money on things (even if it’s a coupon).  Yes, it’s annoying in the moment because there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it.  However taking the time to look at the big picture and remember the end goal makes it easier to get through.  I’m not a victim, I’m being redirected.

During the decade in review process I came to understand that ownership of your behavior is power—not getting your way.  I’m not talking about biting your tongue to remain civil, I’m talking about honestly re-evaluating the situation and choosing your actions.  I want something bigger in my life and especially for my family.  I need to behave accordingly.

We all have those days where we feel like nothing goes right.  Sometimes those days turn into weeks or longer.  But we always have the option to turn it around.  We always have the option to ask what is being shown to us, what lesson.  It’s not an easy pill to swallow because a lot of times the situations we find ourselves in are exactly those we asked for.  We are simply being presented the choice to behave how we have always done or to look at the different path.  Sometimes that path doesn’t look how we anticipate it should but it almost always leads us exactly where we need to go.  So I’m going to sit with the frustration and look at what I’m trying to do with open eyes.  I’m going to honor that I am privileged enough to choose where I am going from here.  And I am going to be grateful as I take my next steps.

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I know I spoke about the post-holiday wrap up the other day but I’ve been left feeling particularly out of sorts the last few days.  To preface this, I know the universe works in funny ways (I’ve even spoken about that in my work over the last few months) but sometimes it feels like there are some bonus rounds that prove especially challenging.  I’ve laid out a lot of plans for the next decade and I have declared who I want to be.  So naturally the consequence of that is the universe testing my resolve to be that person.  I do believe we grow through practice and dedication, but the last few days have proven next level for me.  Now onto the nitty gritty details because today feels like it requires some venting.

My husband had put in for this entire week off (the whole week of Christmas) back in June.  I followed suit since we were hosting the holiday and it fell mid-week.  Both of our time was approved so we proceeded with planning early on in the year (well, early for Christmas).  We had the whole month carefully mapped out so we could prepare and set up and that included a real ramp up the week of Christmas as we needed to finish the last minute details.  I mean, I had cookies to bake the week before because they would be gifts as well as dessert at the party, we had presents to wrap (and finish buying), we had to finalize projects at work, cleaning the house, decorating the house, buying the food, rearranging the house to accommodate everyone, and people to coordinate tasks with—all while working 40 hours a week (not counting side projects).  All completely normal things.  Then the shit started to hit the fan.

At the beginning of the month (around the first or second of December) my husband was told that he couldn’t take his time off.  Now aside from me questioning the morality and even the legality of cancelling someone’s vacation that they’ve had planned (and APPROVED) for half a year without compensation, I found myself spiraling into some minor desperation.  There was quite literally a list that needed at least two people to complete and now it would ALL come down to me.  My husband did what he could and set up the lights around the house while I was working.  However, in spite of him doing those few things, I held the lion’s share of the work.

So, I was emotionally hurt because we haven’t had any time off together in the last 8 years and any time I have taken off has been about taking care of the house.  Any sense of completing the holiday work without running around like a chicken with my head cut off evaporated in a second.  Nevertheless I pulled myself up and began doing things earlier than we had planned and I did less than I normally did.  Not a huge deal as things still looked great and I knew we were going to have a wonderful party.  I finished those cookies (all 10 kinds), I finished buying those presents, I wrapped those presents (about a million of them 😊),  I bought the food, I lugged up the table, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, I set up all the way to the day of Christmas, and we DID have a wonderful time.  Now queue the explosive diarrhea of the universe.

As I’m extremely proud of myself for getting through an amazing and blessed holiday, I feel the emotional surge waning.  Maybe it was the crash of dopamine and post-holiday blues kicking in at the same time, I don’t know.  But the last two days I felt myself drop into a complete breakdown of epic proportions.  Full on tantrums and hissy fits abound, screaming at my husband for things he had no control over, expressing frustration with my son and the animals—everything.  Seeing the remaining disaster of my house after the party left me overwhelmed and lost as I didn’t even know where to begin cleaning.  Brief side note, my son hadn’t been feeling well throughout the holiday starting over the weekend.  He actually woke up at 2AM on Christmas with a horrible reflux attack that left the whole bed and himself covered in sick.  We handled it but I knew we were in for the long haul.  He did ok on Christmas day but the next day lord help me what came out of that child’s rear end was next level.

My day started with my little man saying he wasn’t feeling well.  We ate a light breakfast and I let him sit with me until he felt a little better.  He played, I tried to clean, we watched TV for about an hour.  Then his stomach gurgled.  “Oh shit,” immediately went through my head but I had no idea how right I was.  The amount of liquid poop that filled that diaper completely blew my mind not to mention the stench.  Naturally once the diaper was opened, the poop followed the path of least resistance and covered my child and the floor.  I freaked because there was now poop on my floor so in addition to cleaning up everything from the party, now the carpet had to be cleaned—and a toddler.  I got my son into the bath and made sure he was feeling ok  My husband wasn’t home and the carpet cleaner we have is brand new so I had no idea how to work it.  This was the straw that broke the camel’s back and completely flipped my crazy.

I didn’t even recognize myself because of some of the horrible things I was saying.  I felt terrible for my son because he had no idea why I was so upset—and he was already not feeling well.  I had literally set my intention to not be this way anymore and here we were.  Me hands deep in poop, a carpet cleaner I didn’t know how to work, laundry to be done, dishes to be done, toys to clear and put away, tons of containers to condense or breakdown, garbage that had been sitting there (and my husband couldn’t be bothered to take out), a child who wanted nothing but to be held or to play, and feeling completely alone.  THEN.  THEN the dog started with the diarrhea.  I swear, so much poop.

Honestly at that point, I didn’t know what to do.  I’m tearing my hair out and nothing is getting done which made me want to tear my hair out even more, my husband is telling me his chest is hurting from the stress and that he can’t leave work (so I’m freaking out about his health), and I haven’t showered in two days.  So I screamed.  Literally screamed.  I knew I was done for.  This was now the point where I couldn’t do another damn thing.  So I sat and I waited somewhere between screaming and crying.  There is one feeling that I hate above any other: helplessness—especially helplessness from relying on others.  Usually that is followed by feeling angry and dramatic at the fact that there are very few people that I can rely on.

So here I am trying to make sense of this cosmic joke when my husband informs me that he is not feeling well.  So even with another person here—I STILL HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING.  I’m exhausted to the bone and frustrated.  He even had the audacity to ask for another Christmas gift in the midst of all of this.  My child proceeded to have another blow out today so we had another bath.  And the absolute cherry on top—now I’m feeling the dreaded tummy gurgle myself.  I am trying to dig deep with everything in me to find some energy to continue to take care of those around me and finish what legitimately needs to be done.  This well feels dry.

All I can do right now is surrender.  There is nothing else.  I know that I am not going to win this battle.  I don’t understand why something as basic as cleaning a house is such a struggle and I really don’t understand why my husband is so unwilling to help (the man literally pretended to be asleep with the blow out today ☹).  I have to regroup and try again.  No, it isn’t on my terms but I know there has to be a way through this.  I have to just wade through the poop (quite literally) and hope that I can get everything together for the upcoming week.  Because in addition to New Year’s Eve and the New Year, my son’s birthday party is on Saturday.  Here’s to a less shit filled week.

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I briefly mentioned yesterday that I worked on my decade in review.  I have been talking about sharing this with you for a few weeks and I feel it is so important to talk about this work.  Initially I wanted to walk through the whole process, but I feel it is more valuable to discuss what went into it so you can make your own decision as we approach the new year and new decade.  The process has been extremely emotional.  When it was first published by Marie Forleo a few weeks ago, I honestly thought it would be a breeze—it’s only planning, right?  WRONG.  Looking over the last decade brought up so many emotions for me and going into a new decade has brought up even more.  But, clarity for the direction we want to go comes from understanding where we’re at.  In other words, sometimes we have to go through the muck in order to move forward.

Even though it was intense for me, I still enjoyed the experience.  I look at 2020 as a huge opportunity to sink my teeth in and make traction with the leg work I’ve done over the last few months.  Honestly I was excited about entering the 20’s before I even found out about the decade in review project.  Perhaps it is the celestial alignment, but there does seem to be a huge sense of anticipation coming up.  The energy seems to be beyond just a normal New Year.  It’s a new decade and a chance to really define who we want to be and what we want to accomplish.  This isn’t like the usual “I want to lose weight” or “I want to be a better version of myself.”  This is about deep reflection and finding our alignment.

So, the gist if the project was to look at the past 10 years and document what you were most proud of.  Then it was to look at the last 10 years and document the lessons you’ve learned.  The final section was to dive in and really look at what you wanted for the next 10 years.  Like I said, I thought this would be a simple project.  I didn’t anticipate what I would feel seeing what the last 10 years looked like for me on paper.

We all have incredibly personal moments and it can leave us feeling raw to go through them again.  Sometimes that’s difficult enough to do for a one year period, but to rehash 10 years can bring us through an emotional storm.  Going through the exercise and coming out the other side, I can say that it was cathartic and helpful and probably one of the most real experiences I’ve had in a long time.

The first thing that’s needed is a desire to create something long term.  The next thing is a willingness to be completely honest.  This extends to honesty about the past as well as really looking at who you want to be in the future.  The last thing is devoting the time and energy to complete the exercise while maintaining that honesty.

During the process of reviewing my accomplishments of the last decade, I have to admit that I honestly struggled to come up with accomplishments.  Immediately I felt a sense of panic followed by regret.  Not that I didn’t have any accomplishments to speak of, but I felt a wave of incompetence at how few accomplishments I had.  Perhaps it’s a matter of perspective at how much one should accomplish in a 10 year period, but I certainly felt a lack.  I felt so much regret at things I haven’t done over the last decade and even more regret that I feel like I have been living my life on repeat over the last 10 years.  I have been in a state of waiting for my life to begin because I let myself get stuck in the cycle of work, bills, sleep expecting that the excitement would come.  It took me this long to understand that life takes place every day.  The movement of “YOLO” was bastardized to mean that you could get way with any heinous behavior rather than the initial meaning to take chances because you only live once.  I disagree with the sentiment regardless.  Jeffrey Althouse said it best, “You only die once.  You live every day.”

The positive of this existential crisis is that I now know the value of living every day.  Appreciating the moments we have every day.  Having fun every day.  There is joy in every day and it is up to us to take it.  Making each day joyful is a choice, being happy is a choice.  That isn’t to diminish the tragedies or the natural trajectory of difficult events, but rather to work on the things within our control.  How we react to the situation and how we work with the cards we are dealt is our choice.  I learned that I can make the choice to be happy and to have fun.  My day doesn’t need to be dictated by the clock.  I can breathe and have fun and stop waiting for the weekend to enjoy time with my son.  I don’t need to wait for a vacation to relax.  The bottom line is CHOICE.  I don’t have to engage in the things that don’t bring me joy.  If I have to engage in those things, I can try to find the lesson in them.

The next positive in this revelatory moment was to learn to acknowledge the small accomplishments.  We so often focus on the large moments and we are taught early on that only the significant accomplishments or milestones are worth celebrating.  This is far from the truth.  There are accomplishments in every day.  Small steps toward any goal are worth being proud of too because they all add up to the end result.

The next section dealt with learnings.  Ironically, even though this entailed looking at the moments of failure over the last 10 years, it really helped me to recognize that I overcame so much more than I thought.  They say that we dwell on our failures more than our successes and that is true.  Perhaps I confused the point of the exercises (the positives were meant to develop our sense of success while our learnings were meant to reframe our failures as lessons) but I felt like I did significantly better at acknowledging my lessons.  I am proud that I have been a good student and that it didn’t take more than one of a given failure to learn a lesson.  I am proud that I learned how to be strong.  I learned how to stand on my own two feet, and I learned what I have to do to be the person I want to be.  Starting with defining WHO I want to be and the life I want to live, I know where I want to spend some time shaping my life.

The last section dealt with really defining where you want to go in the future.  The projects you want to create and the type of person you want to me.  It was about letting go of the fear and anything else holding you back and allowing yourself to dream and create actionable goals.  It was about being open to the possibility of the future and accepting your role in creating the future you desire.   This was the most exciting part for me.  I’ve done visualization before but looking at the progress I’ve made over the last 3 months, I am seriously excited for the future.  It is more than excitement because I have already put the wheels in motion for what I’m working for.

Overall, as I mentioned, I am thrilled that I completed the work and I would recommend the process to anyone.  If you’re serious about making a change and wanting to do something big, then it takes some serious introspection.  It means being honest and doing some uncomfortable work and making some uncomfortable admissions about who you are and how you got there.  It means owning the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and everything in between and knowing that your decisions, and ultimately you, are responsible for where you’re at.  There is a ton of freedom in that because you are always at the helm of your life and you can make your dreams reality. Your life is yours—make it as beautiful as you want; own it.

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At this time of year most of us are recovering from a busy holiday season.  All of the excitement, stress, joy, even sadness or melancholy of the season can be wearing.  This is not to mention the physical work of putting together a holiday gathering or even just attending them.  It’s easy to feel divided and not fully present as we float between different events.  Between social engagements, work tasks, family events, it’s almost as if we wear different faces in different settings.  Needless to say, the season takes a toll.

The post-holiday daze takes over as we look at our disheveled, gift wrap covered, left-over food clean up, still-decorated-but-no-more-holiday-to-look-forward-to-houses.  There is a socially and personally induced high as we prepare for the season and we feel the crash the instant it’s over.  The gifts are opened and the food is eaten and it feels like the holiday is over just as soon as it started.  It’s easy to fall into that crash and become overwhelmed.  This is a reminder that it is ok to take a day or two to settle and come down before doing anything else.  It’s an important time to protect your energy and even to rebuild your energy so you don’t wind up depleted and depressed.  Not only is it ok, it’s NECESSARY.

We spend the time together in an emotional high—enjoying the festivities and celebrating through the chaos—and then we are left alone to deal with the aftermath.  I hosted this year and I am fortunate enough that I had family help me prepare as well as help me clean up at the end.  Honestly, I was not good about accepting the help because I am used to doing things on my own.  I definitely have my own routine and I have a small space so sometimes more help is a hindrance.  But I accepted some help in the end.  Then I woke up today.

Immediately upon waking up, I felt the overwhelm of what I had left to do—and the fact that my husband had to go to work because of a cancelled vacation left me feeling lonely.  It hit me that I should have accepted more help in cleaning up.  In the moment yesterday, I didn’t feel like there was that much to do so I declined the help, but I saw the chaos that is my house this morning and realized that I left a huge amount of work.  This wasn’t counting setting up my son’s toys that I knew he would want to play with.  Side note, my son had a horrible reflux attack the day of Christmas so I was extremely stressed about him.  He woke up still not quite himself.  I made the decision that today was not going to be the day that I would be cleaning up.

So, given that it was roughly 4 in the morning and my mind had already run the gamut, I knew I needed to regroup.  I spent the early morning completing my decade in review.  My son and I then had a light and quiet breakfast.  We took the dog out for a long walk.  Came back home and I spent the rest of the time setting up his toys and listening to trash TV in the background.  My husband was able to come home early so my son and I took a nap.  We then played some games and ate some dinner and now I have some actual down time.

While it wasn’t the most productive day, the rest was absolutely necessary.  My son needed attention and reassurance as he hasn’t been feeling well and we needed some reconnection.  Not just over opening presents, but spending actual time together.  I did manage to get some additional dishes done and recycle some boxes.  But I am accepting that there is still work to be done—and I know it will get done.  I made the promise to myself that I wasn’t going to care what other people thought and part of that is accepting that, in this moment, my house is going to be in chaos.  There is time to clean and organize. But there are more important things—like making sure our well-being is addressed and taken care of.

So tonight, let the dishes lie.  Let the empty boxes sit.  Let the decorations hang a little longer.  Take the time to recharge whether that is through exercise or meditation or sleep.  Check in with yourself and your family and remember that even though the holidays are technically over (minus New Year’s celebrations), the stress is still high.  Be gentle and take small steps.  All will get done when it is supposed to.  All is well.

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There is so much potential in life.  To capture that momentum, you need to realize a few things: 1. If you want to change anything-for any reason-you need to take ownership of your decisions.  You are not a victim of circumstance: you have the power to change where you’re at.  It’s far simpler than we allow ourselves to believe.  2. When you want to change your life, you have to change the way you think, period.  Taking ownership means pausing in the situation and not reacting in the same way. Deepak Chopra says, “You can be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”  3. Clarity and a healthy relationship with your mind is key to everything.  Knowing who you are allows you to set boundaries, goals, and gives you a sense of purpose.

It is difficult to remove ourselves from the trenches of deeply and long engrained thought patterns.  But it all starts with the choice to change.  The choice that it is no longer enough to repeat patterns mindlessly. The choice to listen to the voice inside that says, “I will not settle.”  I made the choice that I no longer wanted to live my life under someone else’s thumb.  I am learning to be my own savior, a pioneer.

As a child, I did exactly as I was told and struggled to find any sort of creative outlet lest it interfere with what someone else needed me to do.  I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and I understand now that in our youth, I had fully expected him to complete me.  In my career, I still find myself seeking the approval and the reassurance that I am doing a good job or that I’m doing the right thing.  I still feel like a fledgling in so many ways and it’s difficult to break that pattern.  It took me this long to realize that that behavior put me in the passenger seat in my life.  It took me even longer to realize I didn’t want to be there.

I feel so much potential, especially as we enter the new decade, to really redefine my old habits and patterns and to make this life what I want it to be.  I feel that potential for everyone.  There is so much discontent floating around the world right now that people are searching for meaning.  They are starting to realize that the answers they need are inside of them.  I felt it myself.  Within that discontent, I felt the stirring of hope.  I feel with everything in me that huge, amazing changes are coming.

I can’t see what the future holds but I have a deep faith that we are all headed in a different direction.  For me the little moments are adding up more and more.  This weekend while I was baking all of my Christmas cookies, I made the decision to just go with it.  Knowing that it would all get done kept me going.  Seeing my son so happy to bake with me, to sit with me, to put up a tree with me totally reminded me of my purpose and my intention to start my business.  I am going to do this work so I can spend time with him and create a better life for all of us.  It reminded me to pay attention to what matters.

So, the things that matter: 1. My family.  In spite of any issues with my husband, we are connected and I love him.  If he isn’t happy or if we ultimately can’t be together we will deal with it.  But I CHOOSE to see the good in him, in what he tried to do.  I CHOOSE to work with him.  I PRAY he meets me at my level so we can excel in life together.  I PRAY I learn what I am meant to learn from him.  I BELIEVE we are meant to work through this but I will ALLOW what is unfolding to happen.  1A. My son is an unbelievable gift. I want to make him happy.  I want to give him all the love I can.  I want him to know how fiercely he is loved and supported.  2. My health.  I’m taking the time to let go of the bad habits and making my body a healthier organism.  I’m listening to my physical and mental needs and trying to let go of control, perfectionism, and fear.  I am honoring my worth and will only accept the best in my life.  3.  My career.  Not a job, but the work I love doing. My writing, this blog, my voice.  Helping others.  Allowing myself to be who I am.  Letting what was hidden out and making moves to be in alignment with my authentic self.  4.  Physical space.  I am learning what I really need and what I can purge to create a space that makes me happy with things that are needed and serve a purpose.

It’s a start and it is work that I am going to continue into the new decade.  I used to think that once we were a certain way, that was it forever.  I never understood how much say we had in the matter.  For all of those moments that don’t feel quite right or when you feel yourself agitated or angry—LISTEN.  Those are the moments that are guiding you toward your authentic self.  We don’t have to take huge, radical leaps to make a change in our lives.  Sometimes it’s just admitting to ourselves what we really want.  Sometimes it’s going in a slightly different direction every day until you find what works.  But it always starts with making the decision.  And that is all the power you need.

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I am up early on this Friday the 13^th, a divinely feminine day and I know I needed to reconnect with that.  I’ve been on the hunt for things to control over the last few weeks and, as you can tell from last night’s post, I needed some time to re-center and let go. I’ve felt a lot of pressure over the last few weeks to be something that I am not and I have felt the old call to prove myself.  I felt my leg being pulled down that rabbit hole and it feels like that has thrown me a little off course.

As I said, I’m up early today because I asked for guidance.  I shuffled my Super Attractor deck and the card that literally fell out was “I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me.”  That is absolutely being on the same vibe as the universe.  My energy is seeking guidance and that is what I received.  The messages are all around me, but more importantly, the messages are all within me as well.  I know what I need, I know what my soul needs, and I know what I’m looking for.

I am looking for validation that will likely never come.  The person I am seeking it from is not capable of understanding how their actions impact my life.  They genuinely feel they are being helpful and refuse to accept any responsibility for how detrimental their actions really are.  I am not in a position at this point to cut away from this person so I feel trapped in a corner because I do still need their help when it comes to other things.  But the fact that this person is holding their position over me speaks volumes to their intent.  The truth is they are helping to serve their own need for validation and to make up for things long since passed.  I would say their actions are unintentionally hurtful except for the fact that I have been addressing the issue for three years.  So this makes it even worse.  They are actively choosing to continue to behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable and because I don’t have the choice to leave at the moment, they feel they are entitled to continue.

I have had discussions with this individual so many times it is impossible to keep track now.  The fact that this person continues to do the same thing in spite of knowing what it does to me shows me that this person truly does not care.  This is the person who, when you are on fire, will drink the water and try to pee on you rather than just dump the glass over the flame.  They will put away all of the dishes or randomly buy a book for you instead of just folding the laundry like you asked.  This, my friends, is abusive.  This is someone who can turn around and say that they helped and how ungrateful I was—and she will—without realizing that they help they gave was not the help I needed and asked for.  That is NOT helpful, that is manipulative. This is the action of an unstable, unfulfilled person who refuses to truly look within and deal with the root of the issue which is simply that her mother did the same thing to her.

I’m fortunate enough that I recognize this now.  I feel like that helps me break the cycle.  When the time comes, we will be making changes and alternative arrangements.  Our relationship has not been the same since I have recognized this behavior for what it is.  I feel like this is also what has made me so unsteady over the last few weeks.  I feel like there is no safe haven I can go to and it’s a matter of choosing whatever port will capsize me the slowest.

The guidance I have been looking for is something I know deep within me—that I need to move on and make myself strong enough to handle the things I am currently seeking help with.  I need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations in order to cut ties with someone who clearly does not value me or respect me.  They may love me but they do not respect me.  As I am transitioning into the person I know I am meant to be, the person I kept hidden because I was taught not to show who I really am, I know that this person is not healthy for me to be around.  As much as it hurts, I feel like a weight is lifted, just saying that.

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“I let an inner sense of quiet multiply each day as I strengthen my faith in the love of the universe” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  Today is the 12/12 portal-last full moon of the year, of the decade and it is full of emotional shifts as the energy changes through the Gemini full moon.  I’ve been feeling a lot as this emotional energy is thick in the air.

As the universe always does, the message from the deck this morning is a sign to not give up as much as I want to.  It’s a sign to listen to the signs rather than the chatter outside.  Slowing down and finding guidance in the moment as I listen to the inner voice is the answer.  I’ve been feeling tested to no end over the last two weeks and then feeling angry with myself for failing to be the person I want to be in those situations.  My logical brain knows that it’s a matter of time and practice and that I’m not a failure, but the repercussions after allowing myself to fall into old, emotionally reactive habits make me feel terrible.

In a lot of ways this is good because I know that isn’t the person I want to be.  I don’t want to be the emotionally unstable woman who loses it over the slightest inconvenience.  I want to be collected and open to change.  I KNOW this.  But I’m still struggling to let myself be that person.  A lot of those reactions are done out of fear and not knowing.  I feel like I’m also falling into old habits because the situation is still the same.

I’ve felt a nagging need for change.  I’ve felt oddly not here.  So, not knowing what to do and feeling unsettled still spikes me need for control.  I’m trying to remind myself of the need to let go of control.  The theme over the last few weeks has been gratitude in recognizing my flaws.  In no longer forcing myself to go with the habit.  Rather, I have been successful in stopping and realizing my reaction isn’t what I wanted.  This is also good because it is a chance to redirect.

I’m learning to be who I want to be, the woman I’ve envisioned myself being.  I’m learning to realize that I the woman I am trying to be is, in fact, the woman I already am.  There is power in stopping yourself from falling into old habits and allowing the transformation to take place.  There is power in stepping into the person you already are.

So, as we enter the last few weeks of this month, this year, and this decade, it’s time to relinquish everything.  Give up the weight, give up the drama, give up the fear, give up the things that are no longer serving.  I will have to remind myself of this frequently.  I will have to continue to accept who I am, and continue to focus on where I want to be.  It’s time to let go of the melancholy and the sullenness, and to work through the challenges I’m facing.  None of that drama matters in the end.  It’s time to welcome the new and to sit quietly and allow the universe to act.  Then we are free to move with the flow.

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I’ve had a hard time letting go while getting ready for this Christmas.  I love the holiday and I enjoy the festiveness of it.  I enjoy the love and the warmth of family gathering together.  I love hosting and doing that in celebration of my family.  I have high expectations of myself to put together a beautiful home and prepare a beautiful celebration because I LOVE to do it.  Yes, I get myself worked up, but this is one time that I know I do it to myself so I work through it.  I want the house to look amazing, the food to be delicious, the games to be fun, the presents to be meaningful, and the company to be joyful.  I want to show my entire family that I love them and that I can care for them.

This year, I’ve been exhausted (see the soul tired post from the other day).  We have a new kitten and a new puppy in the house in addition to two older cats and a three year old.  We don’t have the biggest home so it is a houseful.  The younger animals have been causing a ruckus and it’s been difficult to put up the decorations I normally do and to keep the place as clean as it needs to be.  I’ve been working on cleaning and organizing since October and I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough to be fully ready.  I still have a ton of baking to do and wrapping and even more shopping to do.

I know that it will all get done and my husband has been really helpful, but it is hard for me to let go of the vision I had in my mind for what this year was going to look like.  The more I keep going, the more tired I feel.  I don’t know why there is such a drain on my energy this time around because 1. Nothing in particular has happened to warrant feeling like this and 2. I’m not exaggerating when I say I truly love doing this.  I’ve done it for years.  Even when my parents still hosted, I would decorate their house.  And I’ve never felt this kind of drain doing this work before.

So, in the spirit of evolving and doing things that I need to do, I am trying to listen.  I won’t have as many decorations up this year.  I may not even get to put up the big tree because we have animals that would destroy it. I’m struggling to accept that what I have done is enough because it isn’t what I normally do.  I know I have to.  Sometimes it’s a matter of convincing the mind what the soul knows.  That enough is enough.

The holidays aren’t about making the perfect gathering.  In some ways that bothers me because it makes me feel like I haven’t done enough to show my family that I love them.  I know it isn’t true.  They have asked that I delegate some of the work to them this year and I have.  I have shown them I love them and trust them and that this is a joint effort.  It isn’t about it looking perfect, it is about us having fun together. And I am going to put together a wonderful party with all of their help that we all can enjoy and we will all love the memories we make together.

It doesn’t matter the size of the tree or how many decorations I’ve put up.  It doesn’t matter how many presents are under the tree.  It doesn’t matter how large the meal is and how many cookies I’ve made.  Those are all well and wonderful things but the things that count are that we are all together.  We are blessed to be able to have another year together and to share that time together.  Those are the moments that let me put away my control and need to make a hallmark home.  I love my family and I am so grateful to have them in my home—and it is my home.  I know they love me and will take it for what it is: a small, packed, loving, warm house to share the holiday in.  How lucky are we?