I am up early on this Friday the 13th, a divinely feminine day and I know I needed to reconnect with that. I’ve been on the hunt for things to control over the last few weeks and, as you can tell from last night’s post, I needed some time to re-center and let go. I’ve felt a lot of pressure over the last few weeks to be something that I am not and I have felt the old call to prove myself. I felt my leg being pulled down that rabbit hole and it feels like that has thrown me a little off course.
As I said, I’m up early today because I asked for guidance. I shuffled my Super Attractor deck and the card that literally fell out was “I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me.” That is absolutely being on the same vibe as the universe. My energy is seeking guidance and that is what I received. The messages are all around me, but more importantly, the messages are all within me as well. I know what I need, I know what my soul needs, and I know what I’m looking for.
I am looking for validation that will likely never come. The person I am seeking it from is not capable of understanding how their actions impact my life. They genuinely feel they are being helpful and refuse to accept any responsibility for how detrimental their actions really are. I am not in a position at this point to cut away from this person so I feel trapped in a corner because I do still need their help when it comes to other things. But the fact that this person is holding their position over me speaks volumes to their intent. The truth is they are helping to serve their own need for validation and to make up for things long since passed. I would say their actions are unintentionally hurtful except for the fact that I have been addressing the issue for three years. So this makes it even worse. They are actively choosing to continue to behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable and because I don’t have the choice to leave at the moment, they feel they are entitled to continue.
I have had discussions with this individual so many times it is impossible to keep track now. The fact that this person continues to do the same thing in spite of knowing what it does to me shows me that this person truly does not care. This is the person who, when you are on fire, will drink the water and try to pee on you rather than just dump the glass over the flame. They will put away all of the dishes or randomly buy a book for you instead of just folding the laundry like you asked. This, my friends, is abusive. This is someone who can turn around and say that they helped and how ungrateful I was—and she will—without realizing that they help they gave was not the help I needed and asked for. That is NOT helpful, that is manipulative. This is the action of an unstable, unfulfilled person who refuses to truly look within and deal with the root of the issue which is simply that her mother did the same thing to her.
I’m fortunate enough that I recognize this now. I feel like that helps me break the cycle. When the time comes, we will be making changes and alternative arrangements. Our relationship has not been the same since I have recognized this behavior for what it is. I feel like this is also what has made me so unsteady over the last few weeks. I feel like there is no safe haven I can go to and it’s a matter of choosing whatever port will capsize me the slowest.
The guidance I have been looking for is something I know deep within me—that I need to move on and make myself strong enough to handle the things I am currently seeking help with. I need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations in order to cut ties with someone who clearly does not value me or respect me. They may love me but they do not respect me. As I am transitioning into the person I know I am meant to be, the person I kept hidden because I was taught not to show who I really am, I know that this person is not healthy for me to be around. As much as it hurts, I feel like a weight is lifted, just saying that.