I’ve had a hard time letting go while getting ready for this Christmas. I love the holiday and I enjoy the festiveness of it. I enjoy the love and the warmth of family gathering together. I love hosting and doing that in celebration of my family. I have high expectations of myself to put together a beautiful home and prepare a beautiful celebration because I LOVE to do it. Yes, I get myself worked up, but this is one time that I know I do it to myself so I work through it. I want the house to look amazing, the food to be delicious, the games to be fun, the presents to be meaningful, and the company to be joyful. I want to show my entire family that I love them and that I can care for them.
This year, I’ve been exhausted (see the soul tired post from the other day). We have a new kitten and a new puppy in the house in addition to two older cats and a three year old. We don’t have the biggest home so it is a houseful. The younger animals have been causing a ruckus and it’s been difficult to put up the decorations I normally do and to keep the place as clean as it needs to be. I’ve been working on cleaning and organizing since October and I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough to be fully ready. I still have a ton of baking to do and wrapping and even more shopping to do.
I know that it will all get done and my husband has been really helpful, but it is hard for me to let go of the vision I had in my mind for what this year was going to look like. The more I keep going, the more tired I feel. I don’t know why there is such a drain on my energy this time around because 1. Nothing in particular has happened to warrant feeling like this and 2. I’m not exaggerating when I say I truly love doing this. I’ve done it for years. Even when my parents still hosted, I would decorate their house. And I’ve never felt this kind of drain doing this work before.
So, in the spirit of evolving and doing things that I need to do, I am trying to listen. I won’t have as many decorations up this year. I may not even get to put up the big tree because we have animals that would destroy it. I’m struggling to accept that what I have done is enough because it isn’t what I normally do. I know I have to. Sometimes it’s a matter of convincing the mind what the soul knows. That enough is enough.
The holidays aren’t about making the perfect gathering. In some ways that bothers me because it makes me feel like I haven’t done enough to show my family that I love them. I know it isn’t true. They have asked that I delegate some of the work to them this year and I have. I have shown them I love them and trust them and that this is a joint effort. It isn’t about it looking perfect, it is about us having fun together. And I am going to put together a wonderful party with all of their help that we all can enjoy and we will all love the memories we make together.
It doesn’t matter the size of the tree or how many decorations I’ve put up. It doesn’t matter how many presents are under the tree. It doesn’t matter how large the meal is and how many cookies I’ve made. Those are all well and wonderful things but the things that count are that we are all together. We are blessed to be able to have another year together and to share that time together. Those are the moments that let me put away my control and need to make a hallmark home. I love my family and I am so grateful to have them in my home—and it is my home. I know they love me and will take it for what it is: a small, packed, loving, warm house to share the holiday in. How lucky are we?