Today I am grateful for my beautiful boy.  This unbelievably amazing, stubborn, brilliant, kind hearted, whirl-wind, light of a being came into my life four years ago today and I couldn’t be more grateful.  The love and compassion he gives without any hesitation shows me what love is really about.  Lucky isn’t even the right word—I am blessed beyond belief to have this gift.  While it is his birthday,  I have the gift. 

Today I am grateful for the reminder of what my body can do.  My pregnancy was extremely challenging emotionally and physically.  At only seven weeks in, we thought we lost the baby—they still don’t know if I had possibly lost a twin.  I lost 25 pounds during my pregnancy because I couldn’t keep anything down.  I was alone most of the time because my husband worked insane hours.  I went back to work a week after having a C-section.  And I marvel that my body did all of that.  We truly are resilient.

I am grateful for the lessons my son has taught me.  The first one is to never underestimate what your children can teach you.  There is such depth in the hearts and minds of kids, a wisdom they have not yet forgotten.  Each generation comes to this Earth in hopes of keeping those lessons alive and we somehow manage to convince ourselves they are impossible dreams.  Spending any amount of time with your kids and listening to the way they speak, imagine, and dream shows you that those dreams are not impossible-they are necessary.

Today I am grateful to spend time in the dreams I thought I had forgotten.  Ah, the land of potential.  There truly is nothing that can’t be accomplished but we are inundated with negativity and other people’s perceptions of what we need to do that we don’t allow ourselves to live where our hearts reside.  It means making the decision to do what is necessary and sometimes uncomfortable.  It takes a keen sense of recognition of what is good for us and how we are toxic to ourselves.  All it takes is some committed decisions, drive, and effort.  Not that it is easy—but it is worth it.  

Today I am grateful for clarity over what needs to be done.  I took some time last night to really plan and break down some goals that I want to work on.  I had been creating such overwhelm for myself constantly thinking of everything that needs to be done and everything that I wanted to do that I wasn’t taking enough action—I’ve spoken about that before.  Taking the two hours I did to look at the scope of everything and to see the steps I need to take made me feel energized and hopeful.  It makes the goals I have seem plausible rather than fanciful. 

Today I am grateful to see the next steps in the path before me.  I am being shown signs that I’m on the right path.  To move forward I have to release my past and let go of my expectations over others.  Move forward with radical belief and faith—not blind, but complete.  Now is the time to get really clear on who I am and what the goal really is—what service I can offer and what I’d like to build for myself.  Live now, plan flexibly and love myself, be authentic, and share genuinely. “It’s time for you to start taking the necessary steps to become that version of yourself that you can’t stop dreaming about,” Awokenshit.

Today I am grateful to be alive.  I’m having one of those moments where I feel engaged and happy to be living my life.  It’s intoxicating when you’re taking aligned action.  Each step becomes clear as you walk the path.  The cycle of life is a short one and we all take the same journey.  The stops we make along the way are unique to each of us, those are the ones we have say in.  Make your journey an amazing one.

I’m not into that New Year, New You thing…but this year I feel how significant and pressing the need is to become new people.  More importantly, to have a new mind set and a new perception.  I want to share that with everyone because change isn’t easy.  We all have fears about changing because of those comfort zones I mentioned the other day.  But when we are ready, that all changes.  I just wanted to share some words that went through my mind to help people look at things differently because I want these things for everyone. And I am incredibly grateful to have a blank page to start on.

I’m ready.  I’m ready to give up the bullshit stories, the fear stories I tell myself.  Ready to go after what I want in my life. To love myself in all my flawed perfection.  As I am, with what I can bring to the world.  I will make mistakes, I will backslide, but I will learn and try again.  I will accept my life.  I will make decisions aligned with my purpose and best interest and the greatest good of all.  But it will be what is right for me—not what I am told. 

I’m strong.  I’m ready to examine and break my habits and own my bullshit, one step at a time.  But decisions are mind.  And I’m capable.  I love myself.  I am ready.  Accepting me, living as I’m meant to.    All is well in my world.

That last line is the most important and comes from Louise Hay—All is well in my world.  It’s so important to remember that we have so much more going for us than against us.  Perspective changes how we approach things and remembering what our privilege really is opens our eyes to what we need and what we can give to those around us. 

Not long after I wrote those words, I took some time to draw cards.  From Super Attractor, I drew “Instead of worrying about the future, I know all is well when I’m aligned in the moment.”  From The Universe Has Your Back, “In every moment the universe is conspiring to bring me toward right-minded thinking and the energy of love.”  And from Spirit Junkie, “All that I need is coming to be in ways I could never have imagined.”  Clearly this is an affirmation of being present, releasing fears, knowing all is being taken care of.  We all need to remember that we are being guided.  To Beginnings!

For the last three years I’ve taken a walk on New Year’s Day and let the first animal I see be a sort of symbol or totem for the year—it’s a practice I learned from Liz Gilbert.  I’ve seen a goose, a rabbit, and even a squirrel and looked up the spiritual meaning in my totem. This year it didn’t feel totally appropriate, not to mention we had an inch of freezing rain…but I wanted to do something different.  I’ve been feeling stronger and, at the same time, more vulnerable.  So this year, I wrote myself a letter.

This body.  I’ve cut you.  Starved you.  Filled you with garbage. Hated you.  Been embarrassed by you.  Wished you were different.  Said awful things about you.  Swallowed pills to forget about you.  Used you.  Berated you.  Never knew how to handle you.  Tried to come to terms with you. 

I’m sorry.  None of that ever worked, so this year, I want to try this different.  I want to love you and appreciate you.  You’re alive and functioning and healthy—and I thank you.  You’ve helped me see the world, conveyed my soul.  You’ve given me pleasure, brought me my son.  You’ve healed—over and over again.  And you’re still beautiful.  You’re strong.  You’re healthy.  You’re going.  You carry the scars of your living.  And your heart is still full of love.  I love you and thank you.

This mind.  I’m working so hard to forgive you.  I can understand you’re doing your job, but you have inflicted so much pain on me.  You’ve allowed me to process and learn so many things, yes, but you’ve lived in an endless pit of fear and self-loathing.  There are days I’ve felt helpless to you and trapped by you.  My body and soul a prisoner of your bullshit fear and anger.  Again, I know some of that can’t be helped.  I truly hold NO ill will over that.  But we need to come to a new arrangement. 

You cannot run this show any longer, running so rampant, wild like my son, bouncing from one thought to the next before the first one is finished.  We will hear you, but we will no longer act from you.  Your energy and ability is so much more potent than that.  I can’t let you waste away in fear and worry.  Let’s explore the magical depths of this world.  The depths of what we can create.  Let’s learn to feel again.  No distraction—actual feeling.  Sit with these feelings for the first time, ever.  No surface, all the depth. 

This past year, this terrifyingly beautiful 2020 miracle of a disaster—we are here now.  We have purpose and the ability to see our drive through.  We have learned appreciation on an entirely new level.  Hope, perseverance.  I’ve learned that all we need to do is make room.  Create the space for who we are.  Break the box and live.  We die in our comfort zones.  This past year has shown the toxicity of this comfort zone.  The desperate need to do something differently.

We have all the tools to do this in another way.  With love, hope and compassion, for the good of all.  Mind,  I love and respect your power.  Let’s try to harness it to more productive efforts.  We can do this.  We will do this, one choice, one breath at a time.  I love you and thank you.  I will process my emotions, I will be clear on what I want, I will be clear on the life I want to create.  I will focus my energy on what and let the rest fall away.  I’m healing.  I’m getting well spiritually to build a stronger base for myself and to be a more loving, caring person and mother. 

I’ve controlled every aspect of my life because I thought I had to be perfect so the people around me had to be perfect too.  That demand for perfection isn’t love.  So I will make a quiet transition to acceptance.  I need to be a better partner.  To myself and my family and friends and co-workers, and staff.  To be more present and accepting is a more peaceful, honest relationship.  I will stay the course until I find my peace and then I will blaze my own trail.  To an authentic New Year—welcome.     

Vibe of the day: “It’s all about freedom right now.  your mind, body and soul are yearning for you to simply let go.  Let it fire on all cylinders.  Trust me when I tell you that your higher being needs no direction from the 3D you.  It’s the other way around.  You have no idea what’s in store for you until you let the fire that burns inside of you set the rest of the world ablaze.  The universe is begging you to sit and watch the movie instead of being so stressed trying to produce it.  This is a new time.  a new era in your life.  freedom is yours.  Let it be.”

That energy is exactly what I have been feeling.  2020 was the year where everything burned and where we were finally awoken to our own toxicity.  Whether or not we owned it and accepted that responsibility is another story, but none of us are able to ignore that our actions have impact any longer.    I have little regret over 2020 and little personal anger over 2020. 

I’m really happy with where I’m at.  I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, loved a lot, taken chances on myself.  This was the year that pushed me to action.  It helped me define my boundaries and not only recognize, but act on keeping those boundaries.  This is the year I came to terms with the actions that merely made me selfish versus the actions I needed to take for myself.  This year has shown that nothing is in our control, nothing will turn out exactly as we plan—and that is exactly how it is meant to be.  We are meant to have a greater connection with source than we are with material.

2021 is the Phoenix.  The old has been shed and burned to ash, and I am cautiously rising out of them.  It’s a vulnerable stage.  It’s a new life with new wisdom on a stronger foundation, but it is still in its infancy.  Resilient yes, but fragile. 

No matter where we are at this point, it is enough.  Full acceptance without judgement allows space for growth.  This year has been unprecedented on so many levels, that goes without saying.  We can’t evaluate where we are at using old standards.  Perhaps, even more importantly, do we need to evaluate ourselves by where others are at?  Why create that stress?  Why focus on what, in reality, isn’t real?

I don’t want to release this year—I want to release the pain of this year.  I treasure the time I have had and the lessons I have learned.  I even embrace the fear and confusion because it led me to finding EXACTLY what I had to work on.  The pain that we collectively felt, while I do believe it has a purpose, is not something I wish we had to go through.  Even that pain is revealing and helping to point us all in the right direction, so I appreciate that as well while I let it go.  Remember the lesson, let go of the pain. 

I welcome 2021 and look forward to going in with eyes wide open.  I look forward to continuing to learn and develop and share and to becoming more of who I am.  Releasing more of the stories I’ve told myself, stepping more into my own.  No matter what, I’m ready.  Bless the old, welcome the new, gratitude for what we have.

A Happy, Healthy, and Safe, New Year to All.       

I’m still awakening and coming out of my own selfish haze.  I didn’t realize how deep the pit goes when it comes to relishing in our own misery and how that cuts us off from the world.  When you live with anxiety, you live like you’re always protecting yourself from something, from everything really.  It makes you come across as self-absorbed because you’re worried about what is going to happen.  But it isn’t that kind of selfishness.  The reality is you care—a lot. 

I’m about to change my selfishness.  I’m giving up being a martyr, meeting other people’s demands and expecting them to meet mine.  In the same vein, I’m done believing that it is someone else’s responsibility to meet my needs while I meet theirs.  I’m giving up passing on my life for the sake of other people’s dreams.  I’m giving up the self-inflicted resentment. 

I’m spending my energy better—taking care of my body, mind, and soul.  Working on sharing my gifts with others.  Letting go.  I’m cleansing everything.  My space, my body, my mind.  I will remind myself every day to release fear.  To embrace the unknown.  To lean into life.  To dance with destiny.

I need to do something different, to believe and act from a place of faith.  I’m going to be more reserved with my emotions, rather, more selective in who I share my emotions with.  I invite clarity so I’m no longer spinning in circles.  I’m de-bugging my brain and working on installing some new programming.  Years of training myself to be afraid and to not believe in myself and my abilities takes some time to kick out.  But working on self-love and positive self-talk combined with acceptance creates a better foundation.  I’m ready to give more, to love more, to help more—but first I have to build my foundation.

My selfishness isn’t about material gain—it’s to care for myself to care for others.  I matter.  I was given this life and these dreams for a reason.  They are mine to tend and grow.  I’ve hidden in fear, afraid of mistakes and overstepping my boundaries.  But, as yesterday’s quote said, “The world needs us to honor our potential because it makes us part of the solution”  Morgan Love.  Blooming, while it exposes our vulnerability, makes us grow.  We all share our little part.  Growth isn’t selfish—it is necessary.

Ah, I love when life brings you a good quote in synchronous fashion—and today there were two.  “10 years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life and you didn’t settle for it,” Derek Moneybag.  “Are you doing what makes you happy or are you doing what makes you feel accepted?  Don’t confuse real happiness with validation from others,” Vex King.

For a long time I let life come at me.  I lived reacting to what came my way, hoping I could control the universe and prevent certain events from happening.  I never understood or implemented boundaries.  I thought everyone lived like that, with no say in how their day went.  Like, I really couldn’t figure out how people fit in exercise or cooking or the shows they wanted to see or a hobby. 

As I’m awakening, I hear my soul answering that question—it’s priorities.  It’s not about maintaining a comfort zone, it’s about creating something new.  Literally deciding what you want and making the time to do that and ignoring anything you’re “supposed” to do to make someone happy.  This goes right into the second quote—I also used to need insane amounts of validation.  I needed someone to tell me I was right or wrong and what to do next.  And I thought that was happiness.  But it was only their idea of me, my performance that was validated—not me. 

I spent my time believing I wasn’t allowed to live my dreams because I needed to support other people.  I believed that I needed to play small to keep the peace, not show my intelligence.  I have broken out of that mold occasionally, saying what I needed to (maybe at the wrong time) and I was not heard at my most vulnerable so that didn’t help the needing validation feeling…but I’ve continued to try.  And I am comfortable with that now. 

I am stretching in my new skin, testing my voice.  And I’m making sure I’m living my life on purpose, in what is right for me, and what makes me happy.  I own that.  I’m not giving anyone the power to determine how I feel.  Or what decisions I make—and I am not letting people make me feel guilty for what I feel and what is right for me.

To close with two more quotes I came across today: “Follow the voice you hush to keep quiet, the voice that believes you can do this, that knows you have what it takes,” Morgan Love. And finally, “I’m terrified of success.  I’m terrified of the thought of being ‘better’ than someone else.  Then I realize this world needs our success.  It needs us to raise to our greatest potential.  Honoring our potential doesn’t make us better than—it makes us part of the solution.” Morgan Love.  So choose, live, learn, make those decisions and change them if you need to, and let yourself out of any self-imposed cages you’ve created—and make it a life you have chosen to love.   

Today I am grateful for my husband’s help.  My son has struggled with managing some emotions the last few days after being indulged repeatedly on Christmas.  He threw a tantrum while we were picking up groceries yesterday—he kicked me and he spit at me.  I told my husband that I needed to get away for a while so he took over parenting duties and I went to the book store.  I took two hours out of my day to drive on my own, look for some books, get gas in the car, and listen to some music.  It made all the difference in the world.  And I recognize that I can’t be the only outlet for my child. 

Today I am grateful for the chance to continue to educate myself.  Following up on going to the book store, I feel so privileged to be able to go to a book store and pick out material to learn.  Learning is a lifelong process and I love that I have the resources to continue that for myself and my family and to share that knowledge. 

Today I am grateful for relaxation.  It may have taken a few days, but I was finally able to shut my brain off for a bit and let go enough to have some fun and relax.  I even took a quick nap.  I started some year end review work last night.  I spent over two hours writing out where I’m at, where I want to go, and what I’ve accomplished to close that gap as well as what I still need to do.  I found it incredibly cathartic and also energizing.  It always helps to clear out any confusion about what needs to be done.

Today I am grateful for self-care.  I’ve indulged this weekend (probably more than I should have) but I’ve done it in a way that included listening to what I needed and wanted and I did it without guilt—with intention.  I did little things like buy myself a pair of blue light glasses (which I recommend to anyone—no headaches since I started using them), I got myself some ayurvedic oils, brought out my essential oils, and cooked really healthy foods.  I also ate bits of everything that we had been gifted over the last week or so.  I cleaned my space and organized.  It feels so good to clear.  And I needed all of that for my sanity. 

Today I am grateful for the memories we made this weekend.  We absolutely made the best of it and we played and laughed and ate delicious food. We cooked together, we baked, we watched football and movies and caught up on shows.  I am so grateful I was able to let go and have fun instead of stressing over how things should have been.  Granted I spent a lot of time mentally preparing for that, but it paid off and we had a wonderful time together and were even able to socially distance visit some family.  It truly was the best of the situation.

Today I am grateful to spend my energy more efficiently.  I look forward to the next week.  I really needed this time off so I feel reset and ready to take on the week.  I totally know that there are things that I am not prepared for, but I feel like my attention is more focused and less erratic to take it on. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week!    

I woke up early today half-way between excitement and anxiety.  I’m thinking a lot about what this day means to people.  How we have simultaneously made it about love but twisted how that love is shown;  like the only way to show someone you love them is to go into massive debt or something.  Or that commercial consumption is the norm when there are people who don’t have food on the table.  I’m guilty of this as well—I’ve been waiting for my son to really experience “Santa” for so long that I know I gave into my old ideas of what things needed to look like (presents under the tree, lots of lights, and lots of food etc.).  I wanted to give him that magic in a year where he is finally able to understand and in a year that has been so challenging.  But I see how much of that is just me and my ego.  As I wrote on Christmas Eve, I really do want him to experience the magic, but I also want to show him how important the real meaning of this day is.  So I want to start reframing as early as possible.

Today, no matter where you are, no matter how (or if) you celebrate, this is about love.  This is about remembering the miracle that is life and pausing to relish in it.  This day isn’t about who has the best or the most of anything—that is rooted in ego.  This day is about letting go of anything we’ve held on to and finding that innate hope in who we are and sharing that with others who may struggle to find that at this time of year.

My wish for everyone is a profound sense of coming to ourselves.  A dawning realization of who we are.  It is only in finding that root that we can heal enough to find that love within ourselves.  To find that inexhaustible source of hope and power to let go of what we thought we knew to be true and to accept that we have been living in an illusion of our own creation.  An illusion we’ve held onto so tightly that we never considered others may be hurt by it.  An illusion so real and so deeply ingrained in people that we never questioned whether or not life could be done any other way.  An illusion so forcefully pushed on us that it bordered on delusion. 

 My wish is that we normalize caring enough for ourselves to take care of those who can’t.  That we remember we are NOT machines and we start living our lives in a way that honors our humanity.  That we ease into being driven by love and peace and understand the power that comes from decisions made with care for others rather than domination.

My wish is that we all do better.  Better for ourselves and better for each other.  I wish that we would all understand the responsibility we have for ourselves as well as to each other.  It doesn’t take much to see how our actions impact other people.  If we flourished as seemingly well as we did with treating each other like crap, imagine how well we would ALL do if we treated each other well.  That isn’t to say we all have the same heart, the same goal (I’m not totally naïve), but even seeing how good it feels when people treat us well should be motivation enough to return the favor.  If you can’t treat people well, at least do them no harm. (I’m paraphrasing that last line from the Dalai Lama).

My last wish (for now) is that we all become healthier.  Healthier in mind, body, and spirit.  We all carry a lot of negative crap with us. We hold on so tightly to both our mistakes and how others have wronged us.  We carry it like a badge of honor and we hide how we really feel with food, sex, alcohol, drugs, too much TV—too much anything.  In waking up to who we are, to our humanity, to seeing how we have to do better—we will become healthier.  In becoming softer in our hearts we flow better with the reality of this world.  In letting go of control we dance with what is.  Being here, right now, breathing in this moment, there is nothing else we need.             

Merry Christmas

Small flakes of snow have been falling all day providing some extra quiet to the environment.  It’s been the perfect setting for reflection on the melancholy that has been settling over me lately.  There is always a desire to control and for things to be a certain way whether it is how we spend the holidays, continuing our traditions, or how people will behave when we are together.  I’ve felt a strong pull for things to be normal this Christmas but that is the last thing we can do this year and I see how much of that is my desire to control.  In reality, while we don’t have everything we want, we are absolutely being shown what we need.

The melancholy feeling for me is also about a sense of loss.  We never know how long we have with those we love, if this is going to be the last holiday we spend with people—or in this case without.  It makes all of those moments more precious and my anxiety has also made it more difficult for me to not future trip (as Gabby Bernstein says) because I worry about what we are missing. 

In spite of all of that, I also feel a profound sense of gratitude.  I know this isn’t about what we will find under the tree, who made what dish or dessert, or who said what about the other.  It’s about keeping a strong sense of love for each other and embracing each other for who we are.  Any imagined loss is only that—imagined. 

Right now I am so blessed to have my husband and son, a roof over our heads, the ability to contact my family and to still share gifts with each other.  In the grand scheme of things there is no loss whatsoever.  I’m focusing my time on making sure those I love are taken care of and doing well.  I’m taking this time to replenish and really do some deep core work—addressing those little demons that speak so loudly on most days.  All they are, are voices. 

As tomorrow is Christmas, I look forward to giving my son amazing memories, endless love, and some surprises.  I look forward to homemade meals (although on a smaller scale) and pictures to share with everyone.  I look forward to peaceful downtime, sleeping throughout the day, playing with my kid’s toys, watching movies, and cuddling.  Right now, that is all I need.

This year has been different to say the least.  Challenging, frustrating, devastating.  But also enlightening, revealing, full of potential.  As 2020 winds down, I’m spending more time alone—both self-imposed and due to other circumstances.  I will be spending Christmas away from my extended family and I struggle with that.  We’ve never had a Christmas apart, and one of my lessons for 2020 was how important my family is, so spending this time apart is really difficult.

With that being said, I know that things are changing and there are more things in my life that I am working toward changing.  That means embracing opportunities for change.  If I can’t be with those I love, I need to be an example of self-love and I need to love those I am with a little extra.  I have taken the rest of this week off in an effort to disconnect from the chaos of my 9-5 and reconnect with myself. 

Today’s Spiritually Fly message said to, “Take the time to shut out the outside world and connect with your inner-self in a peaceful and comfortable environment.  Turn off the mind-chatter and listen to your inner voice of wisdom.  Love and Trust yourself more.”  The universe speaks in many ways to us.  In the last 24 hours alone, I have been graced with affirmation upon affirmation that I am on the right path.  This message popped up today just after I had decided I needed some mental health days.  I was delayed in leaving work yesterday and I was able to see the Great Conjunction when I got home. We were able to drop off the last of our Christmas gifts to my husband’s parent’s today and able to see them for the first time in months. And I love sharing these messages.

We are entering a season traditionally enveloped in consumerism and escapism, but I find myself filled with hope (in spite of feeling out of my element without my family) that I am able to wind down and reconnect.  It is so important to fill our own cups, and I will say that I have definitely felt the need to fill my own cup.  This season has a different meaning this year.  It’s about remembering what we have, appreciating the time we have, and making moves for the future.  It’s about staying wide awake and doing what is aligned with our highest selves.  I’ve started this time off with creating a healthier environment for myself—clearing out and organizing and doing a lot of body care.  Remember to find ways to fill your own cup.  😊