Small flakes of snow have been falling all day providing some extra quiet to the environment. It’s been the perfect setting for reflection on the melancholy that has been settling over me lately. There is always a desire to control and for things to be a certain way whether it is how we spend the holidays, continuing our traditions, or how people will behave when we are together. I’ve felt a strong pull for things to be normal this Christmas but that is the last thing we can do this year and I see how much of that is my desire to control. In reality, while we don’t have everything we want, we are absolutely being shown what we need.
The melancholy feeling for me is also about a sense of loss. We never know how long we have with those we love, if this is going to be the last holiday we spend with people—or in this case without. It makes all of those moments more precious and my anxiety has also made it more difficult for me to not future trip (as Gabby Bernstein says) because I worry about what we are missing.
In spite of all of that, I also feel a profound sense of gratitude. I know this isn’t about what we will find under the tree, who made what dish or dessert, or who said what about the other. It’s about keeping a strong sense of love for each other and embracing each other for who we are. Any imagined loss is only that—imagined.
Right now I am so blessed to have my husband and son, a roof over our heads, the ability to contact my family and to still share gifts with each other. In the grand scheme of things there is no loss whatsoever. I’m focusing my time on making sure those I love are taken care of and doing well. I’m taking this time to replenish and really do some deep core work—addressing those little demons that speak so loudly on most days. All they are, are voices.
As tomorrow is Christmas, I look forward to giving my son amazing memories, endless love, and some surprises. I look forward to homemade meals (although on a smaller scale) and pictures to share with everyone. I look forward to peaceful downtime, sleeping throughout the day, playing with my kid’s toys, watching movies, and cuddling. Right now, that is all I need.