“It’s your road and yours alone, others may walk it with you but no one can walk it for you,” Rumi.  I’ve developed a bad habit over the years of not believing in myself.  I’ve always thought I had to rely on others to get me out of situations or to help me find the next step, even to tell me who I am.  I feared that I wouldn’t be able to make my way forward alone so I relied on people to get me where I needed to be.  The problem with that is, it never got me where I needed to be because it was their interpretation of what I was supposed to do.  Developing the ability to listen to yourself and trust what is uniquely you is a real skill.  Trust is so innate but we are taught not to trust as soon as we learn what it is. 

Right now I’m dealing with a situation where I don’t want to have to make a decision.  I’m the one who is impacted by this decision, but for some reason I’m afraid of what other people will think of me.  I know that I will feel better once a decision is made but I’m finding myself really struggling. 

I’m trying to remind myself that I’ve been in situations like this before.  I’ve made tough decisions and I’ve come through just fine.  And most of those people I’m worried about don’t give me as much thought as I think they do, or they didn’t help me get to the other side anyway.  So why am I wasting time worrying about a decision that has no impact on them?  Why do we ever do that?

There comes a time when we have to venture out on our own so we can learn our purpose.  We may lose things and people who love us.  All sense of security.  But we learn how to connect with who we are in a way that doesn’t exist when you rely on others to get you what you want/tell you what you want.  If you are the one picking yourself up by your boot straps, the opinion of someone watching really doesn’t matter.  Theodore Roosevelt talks about The Man in the Arena; “It is not the critic who counts.  Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.  Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood.” 

We all fight battles every day.  Most of us fight battles we never share with anyone else, mostly because we are afraid of what others will say.  We’ve been so trained to take other people’s opinions into consideration that we’ve forgotten how to actually care about each other.  We haven’t been able to give each other the benefit of recognizing our humanity, when others are struggling.  We also have a nasty habit of either expecting something in return for our actions or fearing that others will expect something of us.  That isn’t conducive to growth.

I’m still not happy about the decision I have to make—but it is my decision to make.  The only way I can move forward is to simply make the decision and deal with it.  I’ve never felt so much pressure in my entire life.  But the truth is, that is life.  We are constantly faced with things we don’t think we will have to choose between and we have to pick one and move on.  If we were able to have what we wanted at all times, some things would lose their value.  So we have to work with what we have and make decisions as best as we can.  Do our best and move forward.        

“Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn’t exist anymore because there’s a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person,” Awakening Heals.  I’ve ignored my trauma for a long time.  Honestly, I identified with it because most of my trauma happened so young that I believed most people experienced life that way.  I believed they feared everything.  I believed they all lost people they loved at a young age—or almost lost people.  Because it was so a part of my identity, I never stopped to look at the real impact of it.  I certainly never considered that I would be a different person without the weight of it.

I’ve made tons of progress over the last year, I won’t ignore that, but I know that I am nowhere near healed.  I’ve begun peeling back the layers of the onion and I see how much is still unhealed, how much was forgotten, how much I glossed over.  Healing can’t process by bowling over it, skirting around it, or pretending it doesn’t exist.  It’s a process that has to be worked through and integrated into a new identity.  We never have to dwell in it, but we have to learn to define it in relation to who we are.  It never has to be who we are, just a stepping stone into how we got here.

I think of all the times I did something against what I knew was right in hopes someone would take care of me. I learned that from my mother growing up.  How desperately she wanted someone to love her for what she did for them, always believing that they wouldn’t love her for who she is.  That is the pattern I seek to break.  I am learning that setting boundaries isn’t just important, it is how we establish our worth with the world.  Alongside that, I have to learn that I am not for everyone, nor is everyone for me.  that isn’t realistic.  Trying to be perfect caused wounds on multiple levels, namely in that perfection is unattainable so we are always living in a state of lack, and there will always be people who don’t give a damn so it feels like the efforts are wasted.

So healing is also a reprioritization.  It’s opening up to new possibilities and it is letting go of what was.  As the opening quote says, it is breathing life into that person you are trying to become.  Going through health challenges on top of a pandemic while trying to learn new roles for a job and trying to maintain your regular job as well as getting a side business started teaches you a lot.  1.  All of that effort won’t bring about healing either.  2. Looking at what is important to you is all that matters.  That isn’t from a selfish standpoint, that is from the point of making sure your cup is full enough to fill others. The point of healing is to make peace—with everything.  I hope that’s possible.  I mean, peace and acceptance go hand in hand so learning to accept what has happened without making it your identity is a step toward that healing.  We can waste our time being hurt by what has happened or what people have done with us or we can learn to use our limited time here in the most valuable way possible: loving this life.  So make peace with where you are at and let the rest fall into place.  Sit where you are and be grateful. 

“The only way that you can give and share love to others is learning how to love yourself first,” Shaman Durek.  I had planned on discussing self-love next month, but given the events the universe has brought my way, I figured this was appropriate.  I wrote the other day about realizing that the only people we have in our court are ourselves and maybe a core group for support.  I also discussed how I had been trying to appease people around me and to prove that I could still do what I was “supposed” to do in spite of being really sick.  Once I read that quote, I realized that I never would have had those feelings if I truly loved myself.  How can I get to the next level in my life if I keep falling back to old patterns of external validation?

I realized how lonely that is, feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  Feeling like your worth is tied to what other people think of you.  I’m not sure what bothered me more: seeing I hadn’t been true to myself or seeing that, in spite of not being true to myself, people still didn’t give a damn.  Not to mention that people will keep moving no matter what is going on in your world.  We have lost all sense of what it means to be alive and what it means to be human.

The truth is, I ran myself ragged over the last week.  I’ve been dealing with health issues and still wanted someone to tell me it was ok to take a break.  I’m talking about mental and physical issues—mainly mental issues as a result of physical issues—and still wanting someone to tell me it was ok to take a break.  Had I learned my worth from an early age, I know damn well that I wouldn’t have hesitated for a second to take a beat and do what I needed to do for myself. 

I’m constantly learning about boundaries, and I’ve been reminded that self-love is maintaining boundaries.  I’ve often slipped with my boundaries.  I guess the greatest gift in this situation is the clear demonstration that we are all replaceable to someone—so don’t be replaceable to yourself.  I’ve witnessed first hand that people will seek to destroy you on some level no matter what you are going through.  I truly believe that says more about who they are than it does about you, but it will always feel personal no matter how you look at it.   

In moments of grace, the lesson can also be understanding that the people who seek to ruin you at your lowest have little love for themselves either.  So understanding that we have the opportunity to learn love for ourselves needs to be the way we move forward.  That is the foundation we all need to operate from.  Lastly, that is a practice.  It is so difficult to be the person who constantly weathers the storm and keeps an open mind for what everyone else is going through.  I have a hard time holding that space for others, especially when they don’t hold that space for me.  I guess that is a boundary as well:  hold that space for yourself to be human and understand what you’re going through and simply understand that everyone is going through something as well.

Today is one of those days where I am honestly struggling to find gratitude.  I’m disappointed in myself on so many levels—and I know we all have those days—but the overwhelm of barely being able to move without getting sick is hitting me hard.  I’ve struggled with comparison today in a way I haven’t done for months.  It’s to the point where I don’t understand where the actions some people take are so prosperous and aligned and it feels like I am destined to be stuck, no matter what I do.  And in that comparison, I saw very clearly one thing: how much of my life I didn’t build.  How much of my life I have not chosen, how much I have let happen to me because I, yet again, thought it was the right thing to do. 

In spite of all that, I know that gratitude is still important.  No matter how ill I feel, how wasted I feel, how little energy I have, and how isolated I am, there is still much to be grateful for.  I can’t let a few bad moments and some lost perspective turn me into the bitterness that is trying to swallow me now. 

So, today I am grateful for the kick in the ass.  There are people with less who have less and have experienced less who are doing more.  I need no comparison beyond that to know that all I have to do is get off my butt and go after what I need to.  There are no excuses anymore. 

Today I am grateful to see where I need to commit and to decide.  The universe doesn’t do well with wishy washy half-hearted sentiments.  Clarity is key and it is high time I fully admit the muddy waters I’ve cultivated in my life.  It’s time to let the storm settle and to walk out of the weeds for good.  I’ve so often run back into the storm, thinking I needed to prove how brave I was, I became the martyr I hated and got stuck there rather than moving on.

Today I am grateful because, between the kick in the ass and knowing I need to straighten up, this is all manageable.  Yes, I feel COMPLETELY overwhelmed right now—I’m not feeling well, the house is a mess, my son has been sick, my husband wants to play all day, I have work I want to do, I’m worried about money, the house, and what our future looks like—all of those things are temporary and this is manageable.  It’s a matter of one clear action at a time.  The world isn’t ending, and I don’t have to let my mind go there.  It doesn’t serve and it isn’t true.

Today I am grateful for the reminder that this is all new for all of us.  I watched part of an interview with Mayim Bialik today and she said, “Today is the first day I have been this age, in [this circumstance].”  There is grace in allowing ourselves to be human and to experience the utter imperfection that humanity is.  I wish I knew why I continually hold myself to such unrealistic standards because it’s true: I’ve never been beyond where I am now.  How can I possibly know what this all holds?  So roll with it.  Learn to take it as it comes and accept the ups and downs as natural.  There is nothing to perfect and there is nothing to survive.  We just need to do our best with what we have and where we are at, and that is all we can ask.

Today I am grateful for emotion.  I am feeling all of it today: rage, sadness, disappointment, frustration, fear, confusion, agitation, loss, uncertainty.  I’m not happy to be swirling in that kind of stew, but I am grateful to know that things still matter.  I wouldn’t feel those types of things if my life didn’t matter to me.  I just can’t let myself get stuck in them because when I stop with emotions like that, it’s easy to let my world feel that way.  So I’m sitting with all of them and trying to let them pass.  I’m grateful to have something that matters. 

Wishing everyone a healthy, wonderful week ahead

“The last great battle will not be fought in a field, but in the minds of humankind,” The mind unleashed official.  I have been fighting this battle on a personal level for years now.  My entire life, really.  Do I love myself, or hate myself?  How do I reconcile those thoughts?  Our minds are so powerful, they have the ability to bring us to our knees or to raise us to heights we never knew existed.  That is just on the personal front.  When it comes to humanity, the way our minds are programmed can either save or damn us, quite literally.  If the last year has shown us anything, it is how deeply, intricately, indelibly entwined we all are.  Not just with physical action, but with thought.

During this pandemic we have also undergone a social uprising.  I feel like only in a country as filled with privileged people as this one would those with privilege have the audacity to take a global pandemic and throw in the issue of race as well, as if race were the cause of the problem and not racism.  Quite frankly, it’s disgusting that the topics of race are still an issue.  Perhaps I’m fortunate, mainly because I saw both sides growing up.  I witnessed racism and I also witnessed the inclusivity and I was given clear direction on which side was right—and I was also taught where these issues stem from: fear and ego. 

The mind, more specifically the ego, is the only thing on earth that could make a people responsible for global issues rather than look at the collective role. That is how we end up justifying heinous, deadly actions against others.  Ego tells us what is good for one must be good for all and anyone that doesn’t fit that mold is bad.  More justification.  All of this is mind work.  And until we can control the mind and put things in perspective, we will continue to hurt each other—which serves no one.  Ego is also responsible for fear.  Fear used to be born of survival but as we’ve evolved, our ego has equated survival to commercialism and identifying superficial differences as dangerous.

The mind is the most powerful tool we have.  We can apply it to anything and it depresses me that in this day and age we waste it on power and proving who is the best.  We’ve taken the greatest biological computer in existence and have used it in a pissing contest at best and to subjugate and dehumanize people at worst.  Granted that is a result of inherent biological programming and outdated social beliefs, but we know better now.  We know better so we can do better.  That is our obligation.  Get control of your mind, your thoughts, your beliefs. Speak when you see something wrong.  More importantly speak when you see something right and be an example of that.  The choice is ours.  

I’ve often thought how tragic it would be to lose something because we couldn’t communicate, because we didn’t understand, or simply because we were too wrapped up in ourselves to see beyond what we want.  Samuel Johnson said, “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.”  Recognizing that there is worth in everyone simply in their existence is key.  We aren’t designed to classify and rank people—we are designed to work together to fulfill our purpose.  And to help others fulfill their purpose.  The mind is already a personal battleground for most of us—a majority already struggle to even like themselves.  Don’t let it become the stomping grounds for hating the existence of the world.        

Over the last week I’ve been through some of the most emotionally tiring events I’ve experienced in a long time.  I’ve learned that the only thing I can rely on is my core group of people, and mainly, myself.  I think the most disappointing thing in all of this is I hadn’t been completely following my own advice: I thought I was playing it safe.  I tried to balance the life I want with the life I have all while being sick—and I see that none of it matters.  I’ve professed over and over again that family is first, that we need to take care of ourselves to fulfill our purpose, but the old underlying guilt I’ve always had about doing “what is right” got to me. 

Even during my most confused state, I found myself desperately trying to prove that I was strong enough to handle the (not so) minor things happening in my personal life in addition to my work life.  I took a break from writing because I was exhausted—I did what I needed to.  But I went back to work after one day off.  And when I got back, I discovered that one of my employees has taken an issue with my leadership.  Granted, this was not entirely unknown as we had an issue before I had to leave, however, the fact that it has escalated speaks volumes.

Even at our lowest, there are people who will expect the world from us.  And those people won’t have the courtesy to address you directly.  They will talk about you, they will go around you, they will criticize you behind your back—even if you give them the chance to raise their concerns with you, they will pretend everything is fine to your face.  The hardest part is finding out that the people they speak with believe them in spite of anything.  People you thought supported you—because they said they did—now seem to have switched sides to some degree.  Not that they don’t see your side, that’s not quite it, but they have to play a role now instead of backing you.

The most precious gift we have in this world is our health—there is nothing that ever should stand in the way of that.  The next gift we have is our sanity and healthy view of self.  Then our connection to source and our core support.  All of those things make everything else obsolete no matter who you are trying to appease.  Life isn’t about making anyone happy—it is about fulfilling what makes you happy, your purpose.  Everything else falls into place once you have those elements.  Relying on people, trusting people who have their own agendas, leaves us drained and depleted and constantly wanting. 

So take care of who you are—because they won’t take care of you, and if you don’t take care of what they want, they will find someone who will.  Hold on to the people who value you, but more importantly, know your own worth so you don’t find yourself in that situation.  The truth is I shouldn’t have been shocked, not in the slightest.  I think it was the timing of it that got me more than anything.  Regardless, knowing that I should have protected myself better, I know even better now.  With some pain comes clarity, and the knowledge that our gut is always right.   

Today I am grateful for help.  I’ve been becoming increasingly sick over the last few weeks (I will be talking about this—it’s related to my previous health issues) and we aren’t entirely sure why.  It has left me emotionally defeated, physically tired, spiritually questioning, and insecure in moving forward with anything right now.  It’s challenging to see a future when you aren’t sure what the next second will bring.  In spite of all of that, my husband has stepped up in ways I couldn’t imagine.  He has lifted the weight of this household without batting an eye.  Even though I feel like I have failed because I can’t do what I was able to two weeks ago, I am so grateful that I have the support to still maintain for now.

Today I am grateful for the pause.  I feel like I’ve had some intuition telling me this moment was coming for a while, like there was some precipice related to my health where there would be a before and an after.  I say this because my anxiety had been ramping up in ways that I hadn’t felt before.  Vicious, angry, self-hating thoughts coming out of left field at completely inappropriate times were the norm for the last couple of months.  Being down on my ass has at least made those thoughts slow enough to get a grip again.  I still hear them, but I am at least able to prioritize what needs to be done first. 

Today I am grateful for my body.  Yes.  I am grateful for this body.  I have spent years torturing myself for how I look and for all that I could not do because of physical limitations.  I never once questioned what my body truly needed.  Several years back I started making a truly vigilant effort to take care of myself because I know we all have limited time here so I wanted to do something better for myself.  But even doing that, I can’t say that I truly learned to appreciate this bio-machine I have been blessed with.  Learning to ignore my mind is something I know I will have to continually reinforce, because my body has been through SO much and I am still here.  There is no shortage of miracles when I look at how my body has kept me alive.  That isn’t something to take for granted. 

Today I am grateful for resilience and understanding.  I hate how I feel right now because I don’t have the energy to fully play with my son.  I’m still engaging with him, it isn’t that, it’s just that we are spending way more time in front of the TV than we are really doing things.  But I see him and I am constantly overwhelmed by the size of his heart and the capacity his four-year-old brain has to be infinitely forgiving and tolerant of me.  That is one of the greatest gifts—being able to witness the absolute, unquestioning purity of an innocent child.  I will do my damndest to make sure that child has everything he needs and that I can get back to taking care of him.

Today I am grateful for friendship.  I haven’t seen my friends since last July and I didn’t realize how much I really needed that support.  We were able to spend some time outside last night around the fire, letting the kids run around.  I opened up and told them about what is going on with me.  I’ve honestly been really clinical about the whole situation up until today—but I think sharing it last night was the first step.  Today I’m more emotional about it because, after a year of isolation, I see that we are not alone, that I am not alone.  For so many years I’ve let myself carry the weight because I didn’t trust other people.  I can’t do that anymore.

Today I am grateful for patience.  I am NOT a patient person by any means.  But I am grateful for the concept of it.  I like to think that everything has a reason that will make sense in the end—even if I try to control the outcome.  I know that is a contradiction, but the fact that I can be open enough to the idea means that somewhere inside of me is the patience I need.  One step at a time. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead. 

I’ve always had a certain amount of boldness around people I’m comfortable with—we all do.  I’ve also projected a lot of confidence in situations with people I’ve been outranked by—because I’ve known what I was speaking about.  But what about those situations where you have to make the tough decision with a best guess, unsure of what the outcome may be?  Where you may not know what you’re doing?  Well, I’ve often subscribed to the belief that you learn by doing so jump in.  Lately I’ve felt that confidence to take the leap waning in my life—and I’ve been faced with an abundance of opportunities to make the tough decision.

I’ve learned that I don’t always want to be the one calling the shots in those circumstances.  I’ve also learned the type of leader I want to be.  I know we can’t always know the answer to every potential situation, but I do not want to put people in a circumstance where they have to make a choice blindly with heavy stakes on their shoulders.  The truth is, this isn’t the person I thought I was.  I thought I could handle the tough calls and it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest but I find myself wavering and weighing all options to the point it is painful.

Does that make me a bad leader?  I know some would say, yes, it’s not a leaders job to worry about the minutia to the point of delay.  I actually believe that myself.  But I also firmly believe that you can’t rest the fate of something on someone’s shoulders when they don’t have enough knowledge to make the decision.  See, the other job of a leader is to educate, inform, assist, and equip people with the tools to perform.  We often forget that now. 

I had to run my first meeting with a new team today, a team I’ve only been working with for a few months.  That may seem like a long time but there are so many details with this group and I’ve never seen the work prior to this.  I’ve been learning their workflows while continuing to work with my other teams as well so I haven’t been as dedicated as I would like to be for learning an entirely new facet of my work.  And today, my boss wanted me to steer the ship. 

I did it.  I ran it in my own imperfect way—stumbling along the way, admitting I didn’t know a few things, but I did it.  I learned that sometimes taking the chance, being bold even when we don’t feel like it, is all that a team needs to see.  I realized that there is a big part of me that is so scared of looking incompetent if I don’t know an answer.  But taking the chance before I was ready, I also saw that my team isn’t looking for someone with all the answers—sometimes they just need someone to hear them out and work through it together.  Coming at it from a place of mutual learning opens up space to communicate and evaluate what needs to be done.  Plus there is that feeling of finally doing it which makes the experience less scary the next time.

The best thing I realized is that, I haven’t taken chances like this in a while.  There is value in taking chances, even the chances that you don’t feel comfortable taken.  We’ve spoken about this before, I know, we just need a little reminder from time to time.  Plus when you take the chance, it changes things up and then the next opportunity shows itself.  You want to change your life, you have to say yes to things you wouldn’t normally consider.  So, I’m grateful for the reminder to start saying, “Yes” more often.  What can you say, “Yes” to?             

I’ve been having a crisis of conscience because I’m not 100% sure on what steps to take next.  I’ve been faking it and I keep hearing this overwhelming voice screaming at me, “Get your shit together.”  I haven’t been faking it in regards to what I have been saying, that is all true.  But I’ve been faking going through it because it’s still only halfway—I still have a household to support so I’m afraid to completely jump.  I’m scared to step out of my comfort zone even as much as I hate it, as much as I know I need to get out of here.  It’s stifling to all the facets of growth and change I’ve been discussing.  Sometimes life truly does present us with a crossroads where we can either choose the path we thought we wanted or we can choose the unknown.  The reality is that we don’t know what is down either path, whether it is known or not. 

Control makes us feel like we have some say, some power in what happens in our lives.  I’m not saying we are powerless, far from it, but there are also things set in motion by the universe that we have little say over.  Natural events, daily living in the society we have created, all of those things have a toll on us and impact how we are able to move on our own paths.  So with all of those variables, how could we possibly know what comes next?  We can’t. 

 I don’t know how to let go.  And how can I give people advice on letting go and being authentic if I can’t stick with that myself?  I’ve let things happen in my life, things I thought I wanted and then when they happened, I realized that I don’t really want it at all.  I’ve taken actions knowing the potential risks or results of them and then when they happened, I’ve felt victimized.  I know I’m not alone in that, but it is the first time I’m seeing how truly selfish that is.  It’s not selfish in the sense of personal gain, but it’s selfish in that you’re not letting your true potential be unleashed—you’re holding a gift back from the world.   

A few months ago I talked about the relief I felt knowing that the next steps in my life will be my choice and that will decide which way I go, the results will be from my own actions and I know that I need to pause all the distraction.  Learn to be still—which I’ve never been good at.  In being still, we can connect with what we really want and who we really are.

It’s about leaning in because what we want won’t magically appear.  I know that makes me anxious, thinking about what I want and then not seeing it happen.  Today’s vibe of the day said, “what belongs to you will effortlessly flow into your life.  Instead of worrying about how, just relax and be in a deserving state to receive.” In short, rather than fake it, let go.  Stop trying to be and just be—let the energy of what you are trying to become naturally.  It’s also time to sit with it and not get lost in it—feel it, but don’t be it.  Let the healing happen and trust that the answers are coming.  Nothing has to happen in this second—so be patient, figure it out, and then move.

Merriam-Webster defines “Change” as follows: Verb. change, alter, vary, modify mean to make or become different. Change implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity or a substitution of one thing for another.

So many of us resist change at all costs and I used to get so angry over that until I really read this definition.  The last line, “change implies making either an essential difference often amounting to a loss of original identity” is when the lightbulb went off for me.  People inherently equate change with loss, and we fear loss, so naturally we resist change.  It’s unknown and subconsciously (or overtly) symbolizes loss so we never seek it out, even when it’s necessary. 

When we resist change, we stifle growth, and along with it, the opportunities that come with it.  I’m a clinger.  I had simultaneously a privileged and traumatic childhood.  Like, I had everything I needed, but we were emotionally wonky, and I faced a lot of loss and trust issues with the people closest to me.  I developed a lot of control issues because I saw so early on that people changed, left, did what they wanted to do, fulfilled their own interests even if it disappointed you.  Along with that, I realized early on that, even those closest to you, may not feel the same way about you because people can be in different stages of their lives.  For me that was especially true with my siblings because they were significantly older than me.

Now that I’m nearing 40, that age difference doesn’t matter nearly as much, but the trauma of those repeated losses of those I was meant to rely on and learn from still exists.  Rather than learning to break out on my own, I learned to create a world around me that was safe from change.  I mentioned the other day that I struggle to see the point of not getting to the destination, and that is because I don’t know what can happen off that path.  I too, resist change. 

I try a bit every day to understand that change does not automatically mean loss.  More importantly, that loss isn’t always a bad thing—sometimes losing things greatly improves our lives.  We can lose self-doubt, we can lose negative thought patterns, we can lose toxic relationships.  And from loss we can learn a whole lot.  We can learn self-reliance, we can learn what our abilities really entail, we can learn how to be a more understanding person.  But the only way we can learn these things is to undergo what it takes to change. 

I’m also learning that wasting time fearing change (and fighting it) is far more effort than simply allowing it to happen.  For goal/task oriented people like me, if my point is getting to the destination, then it serves more to simply allow than it does to resist.  I still have moments of not liking it, but, I can logically start to wrap my head around it.  Change isn’t a bad thing—it is a natural thing.  It is necessary.  Change will always eventually bring about your purpose—the same purpose that the universe is asking you to claim.  I’m learning to go with it.  I guess you learn that, as you get older, you have less time to screw around making things be a certain way and that life is more enjoyable if you just lean in.  At a minimum, that is what accepting change is about.