“Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore because there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person,” Awakening Heals. I’ve ignored my trauma for a long time. Honestly, I identified with it because most of my trauma happened so young that I believed most people experienced life that way. I believed they feared everything. I believed they all lost people they loved at a young age—or almost lost people. Because it was so a part of my identity, I never stopped to look at the real impact of it. I certainly never considered that I would be a different person without the weight of it.
I’ve made tons of progress over the last year, I won’t ignore that, but I know that I am nowhere near healed. I’ve begun peeling back the layers of the onion and I see how much is still unhealed, how much was forgotten, how much I glossed over. Healing can’t process by bowling over it, skirting around it, or pretending it doesn’t exist. It’s a process that has to be worked through and integrated into a new identity. We never have to dwell in it, but we have to learn to define it in relation to who we are. It never has to be who we are, just a stepping stone into how we got here.
I think of all the times I did something against what I knew was right in hopes someone would take care of me. I learned that from my mother growing up. How desperately she wanted someone to love her for what she did for them, always believing that they wouldn’t love her for who she is. That is the pattern I seek to break. I am learning that setting boundaries isn’t just important, it is how we establish our worth with the world. Alongside that, I have to learn that I am not for everyone, nor is everyone for me. that isn’t realistic. Trying to be perfect caused wounds on multiple levels, namely in that perfection is unattainable so we are always living in a state of lack, and there will always be people who don’t give a damn so it feels like the efforts are wasted.
So healing is also a reprioritization. It’s opening up to new possibilities and it is letting go of what was. As the opening quote says, it is breathing life into that person you are trying to become. Going through health challenges on top of a pandemic while trying to learn new roles for a job and trying to maintain your regular job as well as getting a side business started teaches you a lot. 1. All of that effort won’t bring about healing either. 2. Looking at what is important to you is all that matters. That isn’t from a selfish standpoint, that is from the point of making sure your cup is full enough to fill others. The point of healing is to make peace—with everything. I hope that’s possible. I mean, peace and acceptance go hand in hand so learning to accept what has happened without making it your identity is a step toward that healing. We can waste our time being hurt by what has happened or what people have done with us or we can learn to use our limited time here in the most valuable way possible: loving this life. So make peace with where you are at and let the rest fall into place. Sit where you are and be grateful.