I saw a reel the other day and it was an elderly woman discussing things she wished she had done differently. She essentially stop living for the when. “When I get this amount of money. When the kids are older. When I get that job. When I meet these people. When we have that house.” Living for the when takes the appreciation and magic out of the now. As painful as the reality is, we won’t always get some of those when’s we think we want. It may also be true that sometimes not getting them is a blessing. Sometimes it has to form to come to us at the right time in the right way. But we can’t let that potential future rob us of what we have in front of us. This woman also talked about how living for when sucks the joy out of now. She said, “Don’t postpone joy, find it today.” The simple profundity of the statement resonated deeply in that moment.
How often are we rushing from obligation to obligation without really experiencing life? How often are we finishing something only to have to rush on to the next thing? How often do we put our worth on how much we accomplish? How much life do we miss trying to fill it with doing? How happy are we/what do we actually feel about living our lives like that? BOOM. We are trained to see value in what we produce, how much we do, how much we earn, and how busy we are. We lost sight of the value of the quality of our lives by substituting quantity. It was never quantity of experiences, or love, or fun—it was the size of our checklist. Can we say that we lived fully if all we are doing is adding to a list that is literally never-ending?
Living in joy and leaning toward joy brings us firmly in the moment. I’m not advocating for being conflict averse or shunning every bad-feeling thing—life is life and it brings out some tough moments to get us to the sweeter side sometimes—but I am advocating for finding what feels good and doing more of that. When we lean toward joy it becomes a guide post for where we need to go and what we need to do. It’s an indicator of where we need to course-correct. Ultimately, it reveals our purpose. What brings us joy is where we need to apply our energy and use it to overflow that joy into the world. Maybe we can even help people discover what brings them joy as well. If joy is unfamiliar at the moment, then maybe start with gratitude and let it evolve. The more we spread joy, the more we find joy, the more we light up the world. That is what joy really does.
So we spoke about addressing all aspects of the puzzle and now I want to speak about how they are entwined a bit more. The trifecta of anxiety/depression/ADHD is almost like a self-feeding food bowl for overweight cats. When we have ADHD, things are started and often unfinished, even the things we REALLY want to do. When we have ADHD we tend to start a LOT of things at once with the best intentions, believing we can finish it all. Well, that pile up of unfinished things creates anxiety. All of that anxiety makes it difficult to discern what needs to be tackled first (also an ADHD trait) so things continue to pile up. When we let them pile up to the point there is no way out, cue depression, feeling like a failure, overwhelm, more anxiety, and more not knowing what to address first—cue more feeling like a failure, overwhelm…etc. The point is I’ve learned that we often can’t label ourselves as one thing. Yesterday I shared that I knew I had depressed moments but never thought I was depressed but it was finally addressing that component as well that unlocked the next level of healing for me—and clarity.
Mel Robbins shared a snippet of her experience with ADHD is like in order to bring light to some symptoms we often overlook. “ADHD is anxiety about things getting done, to-do lists everywhere, leaving the faucet running/lights on, trouble coping with stress, frequent mood swings, low frustration tolerance, forgetting why I walked into a room.” I fell in love with this explanation because I can’t tell you how many times I thought something was devastatingly wrong with me—like I had a brain tumor or Alzheimer’s or dementia and was bound to die confused and frustrated and unfulfilled. Yeah, that’s anxiety rearing its head again as well. The reality is, it was the trifecta along with an over-active imagination and a hyper-sensitive fear complex paralyzing me from addressing the real issue: My brain was ALL OVER THE PLACE. I wasn’t dying, I had friggin’ ADHD and depression triggering a melt down of confusion. It is that easy to misinterpret certain behaviors and feelings. Trust your gut but know when to reach out to someone else to reel you in and tell you what’s actually going on—like a physician.
I truly want to encourage people to not give up hope. I want us to keep digging until we find the answers we need. I want us to be patient with ourselves to understand how complex we really are. I want us to be patient enough to understand that complexity makes us beautiful, not broken. There are so many amazing things a wild mind can do and there are so many things we can prove to ourselves by learning to work with that wild mind. Some people thrive in letting it go and following whatever it brings them. Some of us need a little help to bring it into focus so we can target what we actually want and move forward. I also want to encourage people to get really honest with themselves. I completely ignored the depression in my diagnosis because I thought other things were the cause. While that was partially true, there was also a clinical component that needed to be addressed to push the other areas into focus as well. There is NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, it’s freeing. Be open to the fact that there may be a different issue underlying the symptom and be willing to try. You never know what disguises our issues wear. Take that off and step into the light.
I mentioned in yesterday’s post about the results I had going to the doctor and, since it is Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk about how we think in terms of generalizing things we feel. Depression and anxiety are VERY real things but we are often too quick to label what we feel as one or both of those things. There are many factors that contribute to a depressed feeling versus being depressed, and the same with anxiety. I also want to add that it is perfectly normal to have highs and lows in our moods, but how we regulate to get back to baseline is key. When we can’t return to who we are, that is when real issues start to creep in.
I’ve shared my struggle with anxiety throughout the years here going back to when I was a kid. It is such a part of my life that I honestly don’t know what it would feel like to live without it. But recently there was something else behind the anxiety. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders at all times, I felt completely unfulfilled in what I was doing, I couldn’t see which way to go, and I completely lost touch with asking myself what to do next because it got too overwhelming to do anything. Truthfully, I got really sad as well—like I could turn the happiest of situations into a suck-fest real quick. I’ve felt sadness before, I’ve felt it for long periods of time, but I never considered myself depressed because the anxiety was so prevalent, I just thought I was overdoing it. I knew I had moments of depression, but I never considered myself depressed—like when I would go to the doctor, I never talked about the depression, or when they suggested depression I was quick to turn it back to anxiety or my attention issues. I share this because, in order to get better, we need to admit and see the whole picture. I had to admit that the depression was more frequent and taking over in other ways. It would keep me from doing what I needed to do which would create more anxiety which would also trigger my ADHD which would circle me right back to depression and feeling like a failure. Mental Health is a complex thing and multiple facets trigger different layers. All of them need to be treated to get better.
The other aspect of this is honestly looking at what the symptoms are. For example, there were moments I knew I was depressed, but it really wasn’t about me. I knew every single crappy thing people had done to me and I carried it like a damn back pack as evidence that I wasn’t worthy and I didn’t know how to put it down. I read something that suggested depression has less to do with actual depression at times and more to do with our environment. For example, maybe we’re not depressed, maybe it’s the people we’re surrounding yourself with—like I mentioned above, I carried what people actually did to me with me at all times. I never learned to let that go. Maybe we’re bored because we’re not fulfilling our purpose or taking action toward it. If we have the slightest proclivity to being depressed and have a crappy support system, or a negative space around us, then we are going to feel so much worse and it’s going to be that much more difficult to get out of it. As I said in the beginning, depression is VERY real but there are also external factors. I will say that addressing the actual depression made dealing with the external factors easier because it’s easier to distinguish what is coming from the outside and walk away versus what needs help.
Mental Health is a tricky puzzle to solve at times. It takes persistence and dedication to get to the real root of the issue, and it can be discouraging at times to find what we think is the answer only to have it crumble. But this life is a journey and it is no different in addressing the mental health issues that hold us back: we have to get up and try again even when we think we can’t. The big picture always comes into focus even if it takes a bit longer than we anticipated. On a personal note, I’m hoping addressing this last piece of the puzzle gives me the clarity that allows me to be the person I want to be. Living with mental health issues is like living a half-life at times. There are things we want to do and simply can’t bring ourselves to execute when we are fighting with our own brain. Sometimes it just takes that last piece falling into place for it to make sense and then we see who we are and we have the capacity to fulfill it. Do NOT give up.
Today I am grateful for my body. I’ve thanked my body many times before but I have to come at this from a different angle. I really thought about it, all of the things I’ve put my body through, all of the things I’ve tried to do, all of the illness it has been through, birth, falls, some truly devastating hits. And it’s still going! It still wants more. It still functions and moves and wants to go for it all. I’m still breathing, my heart is beating, I still have ideas flowing. This precious vessel is more than just something that we sit around in all day—it is a master machine that knows what it needs and informs us, it self-regulates on all levels from daily function to elimination and healing, it grows and knows what cells are optimal and which are dangerous. It is an unbelievable thing to be alive. I am grateful.
Today I am grateful for honesty. Sometimes it takes radical honesty to get to the bottom of a situation. That means knowing when we need help and asking for it, knowing when we can push ourselves more, knowing when we need to stop, knowing where we are going, and knowing what we are capable of. As we are all raised in a limiting society, that type of honesty is frowned upon. It’s equated with too much or stepping out of line. But that honesty is key because it is the voice of the universe telling us what we are meant to do and how to get there. Along with that self-regulating body I mentioned above, we are tuned into something far greater than ourselves and we are meant to tap into that to use every ounce of our gifts.
Today I am grateful for honesty. Yes, honesty gets another section today. I’ve been with my husband for 22 years this year and he is often a fairly emotionally reserved person. He doesn’t let too much get to him and he is confident in his decisions. In that regard, I often feel overlooked because he sometimes forgets that his decisions have impact on all of us and I get frustrated. I was essentially acting out the other day because I was overwhelmed and I took it out on him in a non-productive way. No yelling or fighting, just me pushing a point too far. He snapped a bit (totally reasonable under the circumstances) and finally told me that behavior frustrates him. I pride myself on owning when I’m wrong, and I could tell he was nervous about what my reaction would be—like anticipating gearing up for a fight for telling me how he felt. I felt bad for creating that environment where he felt like he couldn’t approach me. To be fair, I’m a reactive person even about good things, but I can see where that gets to be too much. Regardless, I was so grateful that he was honest with me that I thanked him and apologized immediately and corrected what I had said to what I actually meant. Communication goes both ways and I can’t improve if you don’t tell me what’s up. That’s working together.
Today I am grateful for answers. I’ve been struggling with mental health for a long time and it has prevented me from living my life to the fullest because I didn’t feel like I had support or even a physician who would listen to me. I’ve also had issues with regulating my energy, my food, and simply haven’t felt like myself. I met with another physician in the group and after two years I finally am on the right path. She listened and was willing to try something else for me, she calmed me down, she heard me. One day trying what she suggested made a difference—one day, after two years of struggle. We found answers to why I’d ben feeling those issues with energy and everything else, and coupled with different strategies, it is entirely manageable, if not fixable. It is truly a life changing thing to be heard.
Today I am grateful for dedication. Following up on answers, I am grateful that my commitment to myself has proven to pay off. The visit I mentioned above also showed improvement in other specific areas I’ve been working on for my health. The work pays off with time. It is also a testament that we can do anything as long as we focus and make the effort toward progress. It’s encouraging because it means that I have the will power to do what needs to be done and it works in the end. As I mentioned above, the issues we discovered are manageable, if not fixable, so the dedication I had in my other key areas paid off, it will work for this as well. I feel capable of anything.
Today I am grateful for love. For such a small word, it has such impact. We throw it around loosely thinking it means something, but we rarely understand the energy of love. It’s hard for me to describe it, even now. Holding ourselves in this love state feels a bit like floating but it’s more than a euphoria: it’s a state of trust. It has taken a long time for me to learn to love and trust myself. Truth be told, I’m still working on loving myself but I understand that loving myself means leaning more into trusting myself. Even if it’s a work in progress, I am grateful for so many examples of love in my life. I’m grateful to feel love in so many different ways. It’s amazing how the same word can be applied to such an array of emotions and feelings toward people and things. I’m blessed to fully know that love is a real thing and that it is all around us at any time. I’m grateful to feel it and to witness it. I’m grateful to allow more of it into my life and I’m grateful to have the confidence to share more of it in my life. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s energizing and freeing and liberating to simply be in a state of love. I’m grateful to experience that.
“Many want but few will,” Ryan Blair. What a perfect summation and follow up on yesterday’s post. It’s easy to want, it’s easy to feel the drive and desire toward something. It’s another story entirely to make it happen and execute on what we feel. Life often works by giving us the ingredients and seeing what we can come up with. The recipe isn’t always there, sometimes we have to take what we have and make it into something. People aren’t always going to tell us how to put it all together and they certainly aren’t always going to tell us what is in our best interest. We need to know what’s in our best interest for ourselves. We need to know that it’s ok to take the chances that lead us toward the life we want. In fact, we need to know that we HAVE to take chances to get to the life we want. That means trusting ourselves deeply, implicitly, and with grace.
Wanting is easy as I mentioned above. Our society preys on wanting. Think of all the advertisements we see or hear in a day. Our lives are inundated with people appealing to our senses, our want/need to do more, the desire to be a certain way. The truth is there isn’t one thing that is going to be the magic answer and turn us into the version of ourselves that we see in our minds. That takes work—real work and dedication. If we get distracted by the short term trying to fulfill our lives with things that deem us acceptable, or things that make us feel comfortable in the moment, we aren’t working on the long term foundation of who we are. We aren’t taking action toward what we want and we certainly aren’t developing our will.
Developing the discipline to create our dreams takes time but it’s in those small incremental changes we dedicate ourselves to daily that makes it happen. We don’t need to upend our lives to become extraordinary. We simply need to focus on the direction and take the steps needed to get there. Again, simple, not easy. We have to be able to move ourselves through and stay dedicated toward that goal even when we can’t see the results. It’s a matter of doing, and continuing to do because we know that the result will get there eventually. It’s about the doing, not the arriving. That’s a hard place to be. But when we find something greater than ourselves, when we fall in love with the doing, the arrival doesn’t matter. We continue on our will and the results continue to grow and spiral in ways we couldn’t imagine. What a gift.
“You’re having a fight between will and skill. You have the skills, now you gotta work on the will. Nobody makes it instantly, it’s hard work. Do this for you and your life,” Loren Ridinger. I want to continue on yesterday’s topic of developing an extraordinary life. Building the life we want takes discipline. Shifting the focus is easy—we learn to step out of our comfort zone and go toward our purpose, but the dedication, commitment, and follow through are where the meat of the matter is. That is a bit trickier to do. We have to learn to commit to ourselves as we would any other “obligation” we have in our lives. We know what it is to get up, get ready, and go to work every day—we have to apply that same dedication to our dreams. Yes, it looks different and it’s going to feel uncomfortable, but putting that effort in consistently is where the results come in.
The extraordinary doesn’t happen overnight. It’s the dedication and build up of consistent actions over time. It’s the building on a foundation we create for ourselves rather than what someone else told us to believe in. When we feel something in our gut, it’s our job to go after it, to nurture it, and to develop it. We are told to ignore it and take the “Safe” route, but there is no safety in a home that someone else builds for us. What is given can be taken away. What we develop ourselves is ours. The desire is the easy part, the vision gets a bit fuzzier at times, but the work is the hard part. We don’t always know what we are doing. That’s why it’s so important to know our core, who we are, and what we are working for because those things tell us the next steps. They tell us when we are on the right path and when we need to make adjustments.
I know the trepidation and fear I felt stepping out on my own—heck, I’m still not entirely on my own. But I remember what it felt like to make the decision to try and do something for myself. I knew I hated working for other people, having other people dictate what my life looked like, needing permission to do anything with my day. Being in that position where I saw others calling the shots in their lives and wondering why I wasn’t “allowed” to do the same drove me insane. I remember trying to call the shots and being shot down and how helpless I felt waiting for permission to do what I wanted with my life. Then an opportunity came along and I didn’t trust it because I didn’t trust myself. Then I started to hear the call to do more toward that goal and then I felt my attention was too divided, like I was living two lives. THAT is where the will comes in. Fine, we make the decision, yes we acknowledge the feeling and go after it, but do we stick with it? Do we trust enough to follow through?
I will say this emphatically—even if I’m not where I want to be, I am beyond grateful to open the doors to something else. Yes, this in between is frustrating as heck and I know my will is still a work in progress. But so is my trust—I’m learning to trust myself and people all over again. Trust is a belief in our own abilities and we need to know that any time we don’t believe in ourselves, we are benefitting those who need us to build their dreams. I’m learning that not everyone is simply out for themselves and that there are other options out there than focusing on someone else’s dreams. That’s the biggest impact I’ve had and what I want to put forward in my life: that we can do things differently and that our dreams our worth it. If we have a dream and a goal then it’s ours for a reason, so learn to shut out the negativity and the nay-sayers and focus on our drive and will to dedicate ourselves to our dreams. That’s where the magic happens.
“Change your thinking because if you keep doing the same thing you will get the same result. Think of who you are and who you want to become. Who do you want to become because your behavior must be consistent with who you want to be. Figure out who you are and go for it. Only the bold go from ordinary to extraordinary…Our comfort zone isn’t a good bench mark,” Loren Ridinger. I wanted to throw this in this week as a reminder that often what we are seeking is familiarity. The familiar feels good, it’s safe, it’s known—but it doesn’t necessarily get us where we want to be. What we think, we become and that is what materializes around us. Everything in our current reality is the result of the thoughts we had to bring it there. When we think the same things over and over again, the same results keep showing up. When we start to feel the urge to change or that things aren’t quite working out, that’s a sign that something needs to change with our thinking as well.
Don’t rely on what you know to get you where you want to be. What we know is the marker of where we’ve been, it isn’t the way forward. Yes, it can give us knowledge, yes, it gave us the experience, but it isn’t the roadmap to what comes next. There is so much to accomplish in this world and we can accomplish anything we can think of as long as we have the drive to do it. Make sure we’re going for what calls to us, what aligns with who we are. Dare to dream big because there is more than can be seen. Feel our way into what we know. Feel our way into what comes next. Trust that we have what it takes. The truth is we are all born with that knowledge, that belief that anything is possible, but we are stripped of that belief quickly and told to trust what we can see, not what we feel. Our instinct is to go toward safety, not necessarily repeating the same thing. Our species wandered for ages before we built homes. We understood home was inside of us and we trusted our knowing. Comfort wasn’t the goal.
Just remember that we have the ability to do amazing things and that we were gifted with the ability to adapt. We were gifted with creativity and knowing. We can’t allow the world to tell us who we are supposed to be because they have forgotten who they are. The safety provided by the outside is fragile at best and can be taken away. When we learn to provide for ourselves and to connect with source, we create a flow of safety an abundance in our own lives. We aren’t reliant on anyone else and we aren’t reliant on the same thing over and over again. We seek production and purpose over comfort—that focus changes the direction of our lives. I used to think that bold was audacious or arrogant, now I understand what Loren means: being bold is about taking power back to create the life we want. Bold is being our own creator and savior. Bold is putting new perspective on old ways of thinking. If we can do that, the extraordinary happens.
I want to get back to the body today. Last week we spoke about taking care of the body and I came across another perspective on this: we need to take care of the body so we have the energy to take care of our dreams. We are spiritual creatures in a body and that means our spiritual needs should come first, those needs are our purpose and how we bring light and energy to the world. However, we are in a vessel that needs care and love too. Without the appropriate energy, we aren’t able to make any progress either. This includes misplaced energy and focus as well—we can go throughout the day hopping from thing to thing but if none of those things are related to our purpose we will still be exhausted and unfulfilled.
As spiritual beings our dreams need to be nourished and that means tending to the energy we have in our lives. Our bodies cover such an array of activities, most of them automatic that I think we need a moment to simply appreciate what our bodies already do. Hell, yes, BODIES!! Thank you for keeping us moving. Thank you for breathing. Thank you for keeping the fluids moving. Thank you for thinking. Thank you for allowing energy to flow in us and experience tactile feelings, thoughts, sight, smell, and hearing. Thank you for the ability to move and create. Those are precious gifts and the proper utilization of them allows us to fulfill our deeper needs and the purpose we are really here.
When we start to shift toward self-care, it can feel unnatural at first. We believe we need to prove our worth and earn our time every step of the way. We forget the inherent worth we are built with, the potential we have to make changes. This isn’t a society that professes personal change or support—we want technological advancement so we are distractable. When we look at how other cultures function and process and interact with each other shows that there are other ways of being. We are meant to experience and live life, not wait for the right moment. Life is what we are doing right now. Life is comprised of dreams and possibilities and hope and faith and action. All of those things are equally important and we are all equally deserving of having that purpose fulfilled. Honor who we are, fulfill our purpose. Live this life with relish and love and take care of the vessel that allows you to do so.
On the heels of letting life find us and living to the fullest, I recently came across one of Mayim Bialik’s podcast episodes and she spoke candidly that sometimes what we classify as depression is really us not living the life we want. It makes sense—if we aren’t doing what we are meant to do, if we spend little time doing what we are called to do, if we aren’t in creation, then how are we able to experience the joy of living? We are trained early on to fall into the same patterns and habits as those before us, completely ignoring that 90% of people following that pattern are unhealthy, miserable, and in debt—and each one of those things alone can cause depression—and we wonder why we lost touch with happiness. We aren’t meant to strap ourselves to imagined financial or social obligations—we are meant to collaborate, cooperate, and create in ways aligned with our purpose. We are meant to work on our dreams, not the dreams of others.
I think Bialik’s Breakdown (that’s her podcast as well 😊) of this facet of mental health hit me as well because I’ve alternated between anxiety, depression, and figuring out where ADHD fits in for a big portion of my life. I had anxiety and depression very early on—and the ADHD probably existed long before I realized what it was. I get anxious because my mind moves quickly and needs to do all the things but I never get to finish them so I’m sitting amongst a million half-started projects and dreams wondering how to find myself and which one really is me. It’s stressful to the mind sitting amongst chaos and then it gets overwhelming to the point I can’t finish anything. Cue feeling like a useless person for not managing energy and projects. With Bialik’s description of not living the life we want, it put these things in a bit more perspective for me. No one is useless, especially if we are in chaos. When we are trained to follow other people’s paths as the norm, we lose touch with that piece of ourselves that indicates what we want. If we don’t know who we are and what we want, then how can we ever express that?
I would love to advocate for a society that simply stands up and says, “No more,” to the way things are today. I’m not professing anarchy, but I AM professing a process of dropping some of the imposed order we’ve allowed into our lives for the “sake of the greater good.” As we unpack much of what’s happening today, we see elements of control and taming that further confuse finding who we are, thus contributing more to the confusion, anxiety, and depression many feel. While we can’t change the world overnight, we can work on changing the world for ourselves right now. Acknowledge and remember who we are, learn to believe in ourselves as much as we believed that the same path was meant for us, recognize what is inside of us and what calls to us—and the be brave enough to answer that call. The more we live aligned with what is for us, the better we feel—it is really that simple.
I just wanted to speak briefly about dreams and goals—maybe as a reminder to myself, but something to share during mental health awareness month. You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream. There is NO time limit on something that is meant for you. There is no expiration date on purpose. There is no aging out of joy. There is no past due on a dream. In fact, I think that when we stop setting goals or having dreams we start to age faster. Life will not stop and we are meant to evolve, why on Earth would we think that our dreams and goals need to stop at a certain time? Why would we think that creativity has a sell-by date? Creativity is literally a life force. It’s a being on its own that brings out new energy, new ideas, and yes, new life, especially for the creator.
Now, we’ve all heard stories about famous people who didn’t find their niches until later in life. Harrison Ford was in his mid-30’s, Alan Rickman was in his 40’s, Mel Robbins in her 40’s, Grandma Moses in her 80’s, Samuel L. Jackson in his 40’s. There are scores more. What in our right minds are we thinking saying that if we haven’t started in our early 20’s it’s over? What are we thinking making kids decide “what they want to be” at 18? It’s ridiculous! Just because something was decided doesn’t mean that’s what it has to be forever. I mean, if we were talking several millennia ago, yeah, it was pretty important to decide quickly because your life wasn’t going to be that long. But we have been blessed with the gift of time—and as quickly as life goes, we are able to pause it by playing in the present.
When we have a new idea, it’s important to go with it. If we have the thought, it’s meant for us, it doesn’t matter when. I absolutely grew up with the idea that I needed to have it all figured out by a certain age. I wanted to be married by a certain age, have kids by a certain age, I wanted to have a certain amount of money by a certain age. By those standards, I’m painfully behind and it gave me incredible anxiety. But what I’ve gained with trudging along is an understanding that the things I thought I wanted I really didn’t. Fighting for things to go my way was exhausting. I still have some anxiety (a lot) but I genuinely enjoy the creativity that I have found in opening up to what I really love. To finding joy. Joy and love spark more dreams and goals and more CREATION. Don’t put a limit on what can be because of when it happens. Run with it. Find life and let life find you.
The Intentional Dreamer 