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There is so much potential in life.  To capture that momentum, you need to realize a few things: 1. If you want to change anything-for any reason-you need to take ownership of your decisions.  You are not a victim of circumstance: you have the power to change where you’re at.  It’s far simpler than we allow ourselves to believe.  2. When you want to change your life, you have to change the way you think, period.  Taking ownership means pausing in the situation and not reacting in the same way. Deepak Chopra says, “You can be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.”  3. Clarity and a healthy relationship with your mind is key to everything.  Knowing who you are allows you to set boundaries, goals, and gives you a sense of purpose.

It is difficult to remove ourselves from the trenches of deeply and long engrained thought patterns.  But it all starts with the choice to change.  The choice that it is no longer enough to repeat patterns mindlessly. The choice to listen to the voice inside that says, “I will not settle.”  I made the choice that I no longer wanted to live my life under someone else’s thumb.  I am learning to be my own savior, a pioneer.

As a child, I did exactly as I was told and struggled to find any sort of creative outlet lest it interfere with what someone else needed me to do.  I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and I understand now that in our youth, I had fully expected him to complete me.  In my career, I still find myself seeking the approval and the reassurance that I am doing a good job or that I’m doing the right thing.  I still feel like a fledgling in so many ways and it’s difficult to break that pattern.  It took me this long to realize that that behavior put me in the passenger seat in my life.  It took me even longer to realize I didn’t want to be there.

I feel so much potential, especially as we enter the new decade, to really redefine my old habits and patterns and to make this life what I want it to be.  I feel that potential for everyone.  There is so much discontent floating around the world right now that people are searching for meaning.  They are starting to realize that the answers they need are inside of them.  I felt it myself.  Within that discontent, I felt the stirring of hope.  I feel with everything in me that huge, amazing changes are coming.

I can’t see what the future holds but I have a deep faith that we are all headed in a different direction.  For me the little moments are adding up more and more.  This weekend while I was baking all of my Christmas cookies, I made the decision to just go with it.  Knowing that it would all get done kept me going.  Seeing my son so happy to bake with me, to sit with me, to put up a tree with me totally reminded me of my purpose and my intention to start my business.  I am going to do this work so I can spend time with him and create a better life for all of us.  It reminded me to pay attention to what matters.

So, the things that matter: 1. My family.  In spite of any issues with my husband, we are connected and I love him.  If he isn’t happy or if we ultimately can’t be together we will deal with it.  But I CHOOSE to see the good in him, in what he tried to do.  I CHOOSE to work with him.  I PRAY he meets me at my level so we can excel in life together.  I PRAY I learn what I am meant to learn from him.  I BELIEVE we are meant to work through this but I will ALLOW what is unfolding to happen.  1A. My son is an unbelievable gift. I want to make him happy.  I want to give him all the love I can.  I want him to know how fiercely he is loved and supported.  2. My health.  I’m taking the time to let go of the bad habits and making my body a healthier organism.  I’m listening to my physical and mental needs and trying to let go of control, perfectionism, and fear.  I am honoring my worth and will only accept the best in my life.  3.  My career.  Not a job, but the work I love doing. My writing, this blog, my voice.  Helping others.  Allowing myself to be who I am.  Letting what was hidden out and making moves to be in alignment with my authentic self.  4.  Physical space.  I am learning what I really need and what I can purge to create a space that makes me happy with things that are needed and serve a purpose.

It’s a start and it is work that I am going to continue into the new decade.  I used to think that once we were a certain way, that was it forever.  I never understood how much say we had in the matter.  For all of those moments that don’t feel quite right or when you feel yourself agitated or angry—LISTEN.  Those are the moments that are guiding you toward your authentic self.  We don’t have to take huge, radical leaps to make a change in our lives.  Sometimes it’s just admitting to ourselves what we really want.  Sometimes it’s going in a slightly different direction every day until you find what works.  But it always starts with making the decision.  And that is all the power you need.

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I am up early on this Friday the 13^th, a divinely feminine day and I know I needed to reconnect with that.  I’ve been on the hunt for things to control over the last few weeks and, as you can tell from last night’s post, I needed some time to re-center and let go. I’ve felt a lot of pressure over the last few weeks to be something that I am not and I have felt the old call to prove myself.  I felt my leg being pulled down that rabbit hole and it feels like that has thrown me a little off course.

As I said, I’m up early today because I asked for guidance.  I shuffled my Super Attractor deck and the card that literally fell out was “I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me.”  That is absolutely being on the same vibe as the universe.  My energy is seeking guidance and that is what I received.  The messages are all around me, but more importantly, the messages are all within me as well.  I know what I need, I know what my soul needs, and I know what I’m looking for.

I am looking for validation that will likely never come.  The person I am seeking it from is not capable of understanding how their actions impact my life.  They genuinely feel they are being helpful and refuse to accept any responsibility for how detrimental their actions really are.  I am not in a position at this point to cut away from this person so I feel trapped in a corner because I do still need their help when it comes to other things.  But the fact that this person is holding their position over me speaks volumes to their intent.  The truth is they are helping to serve their own need for validation and to make up for things long since passed.  I would say their actions are unintentionally hurtful except for the fact that I have been addressing the issue for three years.  So this makes it even worse.  They are actively choosing to continue to behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable and because I don’t have the choice to leave at the moment, they feel they are entitled to continue.

I have had discussions with this individual so many times it is impossible to keep track now.  The fact that this person continues to do the same thing in spite of knowing what it does to me shows me that this person truly does not care.  This is the person who, when you are on fire, will drink the water and try to pee on you rather than just dump the glass over the flame.  They will put away all of the dishes or randomly buy a book for you instead of just folding the laundry like you asked.  This, my friends, is abusive.  This is someone who can turn around and say that they helped and how ungrateful I was—and she will—without realizing that they help they gave was not the help I needed and asked for.  That is NOT helpful, that is manipulative. This is the action of an unstable, unfulfilled person who refuses to truly look within and deal with the root of the issue which is simply that her mother did the same thing to her.

I’m fortunate enough that I recognize this now.  I feel like that helps me break the cycle.  When the time comes, we will be making changes and alternative arrangements.  Our relationship has not been the same since I have recognized this behavior for what it is.  I feel like this is also what has made me so unsteady over the last few weeks.  I feel like there is no safe haven I can go to and it’s a matter of choosing whatever port will capsize me the slowest.

The guidance I have been looking for is something I know deep within me—that I need to move on and make myself strong enough to handle the things I am currently seeking help with.  I need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations in order to cut ties with someone who clearly does not value me or respect me.  They may love me but they do not respect me.  As I am transitioning into the person I know I am meant to be, the person I kept hidden because I was taught not to show who I really am, I know that this person is not healthy for me to be around.  As much as it hurts, I feel like a weight is lifted, just saying that.

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“I let an inner sense of quiet multiply each day as I strengthen my faith in the love of the universe” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  Today is the 12/12 portal-last full moon of the year, of the decade and it is full of emotional shifts as the energy changes through the Gemini full moon.  I’ve been feeling a lot as this emotional energy is thick in the air.

As the universe always does, the message from the deck this morning is a sign to not give up as much as I want to.  It’s a sign to listen to the signs rather than the chatter outside.  Slowing down and finding guidance in the moment as I listen to the inner voice is the answer.  I’ve been feeling tested to no end over the last two weeks and then feeling angry with myself for failing to be the person I want to be in those situations.  My logical brain knows that it’s a matter of time and practice and that I’m not a failure, but the repercussions after allowing myself to fall into old, emotionally reactive habits make me feel terrible.

In a lot of ways this is good because I know that isn’t the person I want to be.  I don’t want to be the emotionally unstable woman who loses it over the slightest inconvenience.  I want to be collected and open to change.  I KNOW this.  But I’m still struggling to let myself be that person.  A lot of those reactions are done out of fear and not knowing.  I feel like I’m also falling into old habits because the situation is still the same.

I’ve felt a nagging need for change.  I’ve felt oddly not here.  So, not knowing what to do and feeling unsettled still spikes me need for control.  I’m trying to remind myself of the need to let go of control.  The theme over the last few weeks has been gratitude in recognizing my flaws.  In no longer forcing myself to go with the habit.  Rather, I have been successful in stopping and realizing my reaction isn’t what I wanted.  This is also good because it is a chance to redirect.

I’m learning to be who I want to be, the woman I’ve envisioned myself being.  I’m learning to realize that I the woman I am trying to be is, in fact, the woman I already am.  There is power in stopping yourself from falling into old habits and allowing the transformation to take place.  There is power in stepping into the person you already are.

So, as we enter the last few weeks of this month, this year, and this decade, it’s time to relinquish everything.  Give up the weight, give up the drama, give up the fear, give up the things that are no longer serving.  I will have to remind myself of this frequently.  I will have to continue to accept who I am, and continue to focus on where I want to be.  It’s time to let go of the melancholy and the sullenness, and to work through the challenges I’m facing.  None of that drama matters in the end.  It’s time to welcome the new and to sit quietly and allow the universe to act.  Then we are free to move with the flow.

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I’ve had a hard time letting go while getting ready for this Christmas.  I love the holiday and I enjoy the festiveness of it.  I enjoy the love and the warmth of family gathering together.  I love hosting and doing that in celebration of my family.  I have high expectations of myself to put together a beautiful home and prepare a beautiful celebration because I LOVE to do it.  Yes, I get myself worked up, but this is one time that I know I do it to myself so I work through it.  I want the house to look amazing, the food to be delicious, the games to be fun, the presents to be meaningful, and the company to be joyful.  I want to show my entire family that I love them and that I can care for them.

This year, I’ve been exhausted (see the soul tired post from the other day).  We have a new kitten and a new puppy in the house in addition to two older cats and a three year old.  We don’t have the biggest home so it is a houseful.  The younger animals have been causing a ruckus and it’s been difficult to put up the decorations I normally do and to keep the place as clean as it needs to be.  I’ve been working on cleaning and organizing since October and I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough to be fully ready.  I still have a ton of baking to do and wrapping and even more shopping to do.

I know that it will all get done and my husband has been really helpful, but it is hard for me to let go of the vision I had in my mind for what this year was going to look like.  The more I keep going, the more tired I feel.  I don’t know why there is such a drain on my energy this time around because 1. Nothing in particular has happened to warrant feeling like this and 2. I’m not exaggerating when I say I truly love doing this.  I’ve done it for years.  Even when my parents still hosted, I would decorate their house.  And I’ve never felt this kind of drain doing this work before.

So, in the spirit of evolving and doing things that I need to do, I am trying to listen.  I won’t have as many decorations up this year.  I may not even get to put up the big tree because we have animals that would destroy it. I’m struggling to accept that what I have done is enough because it isn’t what I normally do.  I know I have to.  Sometimes it’s a matter of convincing the mind what the soul knows.  That enough is enough.

The holidays aren’t about making the perfect gathering.  In some ways that bothers me because it makes me feel like I haven’t done enough to show my family that I love them.  I know it isn’t true.  They have asked that I delegate some of the work to them this year and I have.  I have shown them I love them and trust them and that this is a joint effort.  It isn’t about it looking perfect, it is about us having fun together. And I am going to put together a wonderful party with all of their help that we all can enjoy and we will all love the memories we make together.

It doesn’t matter the size of the tree or how many decorations I’ve put up.  It doesn’t matter how many presents are under the tree.  It doesn’t matter how large the meal is and how many cookies I’ve made.  Those are all well and wonderful things but the things that count are that we are all together.  We are blessed to be able to have another year together and to share that time together.  Those are the moments that let me put away my control and need to make a hallmark home.  I love my family and I am so grateful to have them in my home—and it is my home.  I know they love me and will take it for what it is: a small, packed, loving, warm house to share the holiday in.  How lucky are we?

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We have all felt tired.  Working too much, too many commitments, too much people pleasing.  This is the tired of being overextended.  Then there is the tired when we are trying to accomplish too much but everything feels off.  I’m talking about when we feel all of this and then feel like we are still lacking.  I’m talking about the feeling where we are soul tired.  This is the tired that sneaks up on us and depletes us.  The energy is just gone.

This is the kind of tired where you are in between wanting to do everything and do nothing at the same time and you don’t even know what the problem is.  I’ve been feeling a lot of this the last week and I know it’s because I’ve been pushing so much.  Quite frankly, I’ve been pushing in every direction. And now I am soul tired.  My mind is craving a break.

One thing I’ve learned is that the only way out of these feelings is to go through them.  There is no point avoiding them and there is even less a point in really figuring out where it came from.  The best thing I’ve found in these situations is to listen to what your body is telling you and just relax and let go.  Believe me I know that is far easier said than done, but the more you can train yourself to listen to your body and recognize the symptoms for when you really need a break, the sooner you will get back to feeling more like yourself.

The easiest way to start this process is to stop what you’re doing and hear what your body is telling you.  Check in with where you’re at right now.  Are your shoulders up at your ears?  Is your jaw clenched.  Are you hunched over?  Is your breathing shallow and fast?  If so, begin by consciously giving each area attention and letting yourself release it.  Tell yourself you are safe and you can let go.  Then turn your attention to your breath.  Make sure you’re taking deep belly breaths.  If you can, try and do square breathing.  This is a four count inhale, a four count hold, a four count exhale, and a four count hold.  Do that for as long as it takes you to feel centered again.

Once you feel yourself physically relaxed, you can start untangling the web you’ve created in your mind.  Pull on one thread at a time and focus on the things you can change, the things in your control.  Sometimes all it takes is recognizing that you’re upset over not having ice cream tonight.  Sometimes it’s deeper than that.  Sometimes it’s realizing that you’re not on the right track.  The good news is that even though we can’t solve all of our issues in one night, we can learn to identify where the issue lies.  Knowing what the problem is and where it started is a liberating thing because then we can take steps.  Even in those situations completely beyond our control where there is literally nothing we can do about it, we have the power to release it.  We still have our power.

Sometimes in the soul tired moments, the only thing we need is rest.  Check in with the body and if by the time you’re done with the physical relaxation portion, you may feel the need to drift off.  You don’t realize how much energy you put into holding tension.  If you do drift off just let yourself go.  Your body is telling you it needs to relax.  The best thing we can do for the soul or the body is to listen to it.

So tonight, I feel the need to share this message, to unwind the tension in my body, and to sleep.  In spite of the million and one things that still need to be done in preparation of the holiday, I know I need to relax.  I need to honor the messages I am receiving and let go.  Everything will get done.

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“The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.” (Unknown, heard from The Buried Life). Those words sent me in a tailspin.  When we are making changes, there inevitably comes a point where we are faced with the challenge of either continuing forward or with reverting to what makes us comfortable.  We can find ourselves dealing with fears as we enter a new phase of life and it is easiest to take the path of least resistance.  But if we want to make something worthwhile and more meaningful, we need to face those fears head on and try something new.

I’ve spent the last two months diving into my projects and developing things that I’m really excited about.  But I’ve found myself enveloped in personal drama with my husband as well as at my full time job.  This is a precipice, a pivotal moment where I can make decision about how I want to behave.  And that all depends on the future I want to see.  I know the issues I’m facing right now I don’t want to repeat.  I’m thrilled to be working on the things that give me purpose and drive and it is a feeling I don’t want to give up.  So in making the choice to continue focusing on this endeavor, I know that I am making decisions to NOT partake in other things in my life.

When people see us changing it is scary for them so they often push back with the same old behaviors, forcing us to either revert to the relationship we had or to make the decision to stop.  As I feel the pressure increasing to remain the same in my personal life, I came across the opening quote.  My breath caught in my throat and I swear that my heart skipped a beat: repeating the same patterns in my relationships (personal or professional) have created a rut.  I don’t want to make that rut my grave.

I had to re-evaluate what was going on in my life and I looked at the common thread in nearly every situation.  It was me.  My pushing, my drive, my desire to create more.  I know at a minimum I need a pause.  And I know this isn’t sustainable as I’m going.  So I’m giving up.  I’m giving up the impulse to push everyone around me and I’m going to continue to work on the things at my pace.  The people who are meant to be in my life will be there and as I change those who can’t keep up will fall away.  I’m giving up making people be something they aren’t.  This also means I’m giving up the ideas that I had for the future.  Sometimes the players you think will be with you change.  And I’m giving up the idea that things will magically get better.

It’s time for me to let go of the reins and focus on what I can do rather than force people to play along.  I will be honest that it hurts. I have this compulsion repeating in my mind that “if only the played along and just did X, we’d be fine!”  But we are dealing with humans and they all have free will.  Growth is painful because you find yourself looking at the pieces of yourself that are hidden.  It’s also painful because sometimes you’ve been holding onto something for so long that you’re stuck in that position.  It’s like when you’ve been holding onto the gallon of milk and you’ve got to carry it up four flights of stairs to get home.  When you let go, your hands ache as your muscles relax.  Letting go of an image you’ve held onto for so long is similarly painful.

The relief comes after you readjust and reacclimate to the lesser weight.  That too, is the same for your mind.  We carry so much clutter that we don’t realize how much we NEED the relief until we feel the pain of letting go.  The key in all of that is that the relief does come.  You just have to learn to adapt to the new sensations from the loss.  Don’t fight the release.

I’ve been tired for a long time.  So tired I didn’t realize I was tired at all.  I want to be in a place that excites me and to be surrounded by people who are excited by my success.  I need to be heard.  I want to be loved, not merely tolerated.  I no longer want to be it all, handling everyone else’s expectations.  I’m working on creating a loving and supportive environment where respect flows.  I’m not living in competition anymore.  I’m putting down control and fear in favor of creativity and encouragement.  Just Be.  The rest will take care of itself.