Photo by Jakub Novacek on Pexels.com

The voice of doubt has been strong this week.  I have had so many moments of fear coupled with self-loathing—and it hasn’t been this strong in a long while.  I hit a real low this week.  It was one of those weeks where not one of my techniques came to the forefront of my mind and I felt completely abandoned and hopeless.

I know that there have been some major astrological shifts with the moon this week so I’m not sure if that had anything to do with it (if you believe in that or really understand it, maybe you can explain it to me!).  I had been excited thinking that I was in for a real progressive, positive shift.  I didn’t expect to feel so drained and lonely.

I started thinking about it clinically.  I started thinking about how the brain can take us from such incredible highs to such devastating lows and how we are all just taken along on the ride of where our mind wants to take us.  This line of thought actually helped me because I was able to put a chemical reason to it.  For whatever reason my brain was just experiencing a low.

Then I started thinking about it logically and I know part of the problem is that I am quite simply at my limit.  I’ve been working limited hours at my 9-5 (intentionally) but during my off time I’ve turned into the full time mom again.  I’m feeling so conflicted because I LOVE being with my kid but it is exhausting trying to keep him entertained all the time.  I find myself torn ALL the time with what we “should” be doing next.  I’ve also been taking a lot of courses lately trying to get myself where I want to be with my business.  I’ve made the decision to work for myself and that is a new level of trying to figure it out.  This is all mentally draining.  Throw in not working out very much and the energy just isn’t where it needs to be.  I’ve also been disappointed because I’ve been busting my butt for weeks to eat well and to keep my body moving and I’m at a standstill right now—no progress toward definition and my stamina is way down.

I know that any one of those things would be challenging but I still don’t feel much relief.  It’s difficult to even write this.  I know I’m not the only one who has ever felt this.  So all I want to do at this point is say that I know we are not alone in feeling overwhelmed—even if we feel like we have no reason to feel that way.  Sometimes we have to feel this low in order to practice what we preach—in this case that all the feelings are valid.  So I will take this week and chalk it up as some lessons learned and just know that it will pass.

Photo by Irina Iriser on Pexels.com

Today I am grateful for milestone family moments.  My son officially learned to ride his bicycle on Friday.  It was really emotional for me.  My turned 3 a few months ago and as I was watching him ride his bicycle, I found myself thinking about how this little boy started out as a couple of cells and now he’s this amazing person with his own personality—and he’s so mobile now!  Watching him hit these milestones just makes me value the time I have with him.

Today I am grateful for beautiful weather.  It’s been gloomy for the last few days and my mind has been all over the place.  Having a nice day gave me some pause and a chance to reset.

Today I am grateful for time outdoors.  Over the last few weeks I am so grateful to have learned how integral movement is to the body.  It’s something we all know on an intellectual level but to do it is a whole new game.  I’ve lost roughly 10 pounds, my joints aren’t as achy, and I look forward to that time to move.  We went on an amazing bike ride as a family.

Today I am grateful for making healthy decisions for myself and for my family.  I know that there are going to be some rough times for us coming up so I’ve made the decision to move forward with some projects that I have on the side.  Initially I was going to wait until the time was right and I could afford it, but with some changes that are coming at my 9-5, now is the right time.  It’s officially the time in my life when I can’t afford NOT to do it.

Today I am grateful to have discussions with my husband about our future.  There is a lot of uncertainty in the world.  We have both stepped up and realized that we can’t lower our expectations to meet what is going on—we have to shift our mindset to create a new vibration.  Looking forward is something we all have to do.  Look at what your goals are and then align your behavior with it…and let go.  Plus it’s exciting to have something to look forward to.

Today I am grateful for creativity.  For the last week I’ve been working on a program to get things moving forward with my business.  I’ve been reaching out to people and making some connections to help them build their businesses.  Seeing how they reach out and the questions they’re asking has give me some ideas for how to progress with my work.  I’ve also learned to take progress over perfection and to simply get things done.  On top of that I have spent a ton of time over the last few days working with my son on art and putting things together.  It’s good to be silly.

Today I am grateful for acceptance.  With the changes that have happened over the last few days, I’ve come to accept that certain things simply are what they are.  It gave me great peace because it now feels like there is freedom in the decisions that I have to make.  No one else is going to take care of us so I need to make sure I’m doing what is right for my family.  While it took me a long time to get to that point, I have accepted that I have other things that I am meant to do with my life and that I can’t keep putting them off.  That would be my advice to everyone:  make peace with where you are at so that way you can move forward to where you want to go.  We aren’t trees—we are able to move if necessary.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

“What have you learned about yourself during this lockdown that you don’t like?”  This was a question posed during Marie Forleo’s IG live for Self-Care Saturday.  It caught my ear and got me to thinking.  I personally feel like this lockdown shouldn’t have brought about anything that we don’t like about ourselves.  If anything it’s only bringing about a level of awareness of things that we already know.  We don’t need to use this time to be overly critical of ourselves.  But as we are all spending more time in our minds, we can absolutely use this time to acknowledge that it’s time to do things differently.  That much we can do gently.  We can lovingly accept those pieces of us because we are now all on pause.  There is no other choice but to be with what is going on—and to embrace it rather than run from it.

The most beautiful thing is to take this time to learn acceptance.  From there it’s taking action on it.  Because while we are on pause, there are only so many actions we can take outside of ourselves.  We are literally limited to where we can go and what we can do.  So why not take the time to work on what we can work on–internally?

Deep dives create a surge of different emotions.  We have to come to terms with what is inside of us and for the first time in our lifetimes, there aren’t other people around to deflect to.  Any heightened situation where we don’t know how things will go, any uncertainty creates emotion and there seems to be quite a continuum of what people are feeling during this time.  At this point I would simply say, feel all of it.  Allow it.  But don’t dwell in it.  Sometimes letting situations just be is the best action you can take.  Vibe of the day said it best: “Move past living a life centered on what others did or did not.  Focus on how you want to feel and what you can do about it.”  All we can control is our actions and how we want to feel about it.

So take this time and be gentle with yourself.  Learn to lean into what you’re feeling and allow it to happen.  Recognize where you feel it in your body and what you’re feeling in your body .  And go slowly to work your way through.  Once you give up avoiding these things, you will open up to ways to get through.  My favorite part of that is once you’re all the way on the other side you’ll be able to look back and say that 1. It wasn’t so scary, and 2. You accomplished something amazing.

Today I am grateful for family silliness.  I have been working through some emotion about things to come this week and it was nice to have a break and laugh with my family about nonsense.  Even when my son hit the switch to turn off the internet disconnecting us from the line we were using, we still laughed about it when we connected later.

Today I am grateful for a much needed break from being indoors the last 4 days.  After the video chat, my husband and I took our son and the dog for a long walk and took in the gorgeous sun.  It felt like heaven with it being almost 60 and to see the sun shining again.  Movement is so necessary!!

Today I am grateful for a reminder to release the reins.  I was working with my son in the kitchen, teaching him how to make a quick dessert and he just wanted to play.  Of course he would, he’s 3.  So I’ve been wrestling with my control demons over the last few weeks as I come to terms with the work I need to do to move forward in my business and I took a deep breath and let him have his fun.  No, it didn’t turn out how I wanted it to—it turned out better.  He had a ton of fun and he saw his mother relax rather than freak out at him for being 3 and not doing it “correctly.”  The result is pictured above!

Today I am grateful for some much needed clarity in my business.  I’ve been struggling with next steps to take for a while.  All of the pieces I need are blessedly there along with all of the tools—but I’m still struggling to put things together.  It’s like I bought something from our favorite Swedish furniture store and they didn’t put the instructions in.  I still feel overwhelmed, but with the help of my discussion group, I’ve gotten a little more traction underneath me.

Today I am grateful for clarity in how I want to direct my life.  Over the last two weeks I have been gifted new insight into how I want to live and the type of life I want to build.  I have been able to see what it would be like truly working on my own schedule and following the natural flow that my mind and body want to take—and it was AMAZING.  I have such an incredible sense of freedom in making the decisions I have over the last two weeks.  It all works out and I feel like I’ve had full ownership of myself.  Not until these last few days as we approach this new week have I felt off or upset or anxious.  That in itself shows me what path I need to follow.

Today I am grateful for progress with being enough.  If I had waited on everything in my life to fall into place and be perfect before taking action, I’d be nowhere.  For Pete’s sake, I have taken massive action and still felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere.  But the point is, if I had just sat on my laurels waiting for things to fall into place it wouldn’t happen.  So I have been able to come to terms with the small steps being the big payoff.

Today I am grateful to give myself a break—emotionally.  I realized that I’ve been trying to be super woman, entertaining my kid, working full time, trying to get my business started, and still be a good wife, friend, mother, person etc.  I’ve been really hard on myself—again.  But like I said earlier, getting some clarity on the things I need to do next (for my own sanity and for the joy of creating a life I love), and letting go of the reins in my life, I feel the creative influence flowing again.

Photo by Matheus Viana on Pexels.com

I’ve had some intense feelings of separation lately.  Separation from myself and others.  I’ve struggled to stay in alignment with who I am.  Today I woke up and I just felt off.  My son and I got into a fight—I got into a fight—with a 3 year old.  It was at that moment that I paused everything.  I scooped him up and I told him, “No, we are not starting today like this.  We are starting over.”  And that worked well for a while—but he was not having any of what we needed to do today.

It was somewhere around the 50^th argument that I realized we were out of resets for the day.  Today was just one of those days and we were going to have to deal with it.  But I didn’t want to have to deal with it myself.  I started thinking of the things that were getting under my skin and why.  I’ve been in a state of dread thinking about going back to work next week. It has me anxious, but it doesn’t make me frustrated.  I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to get my business up.  And there is a lot of work to do for my business but I’m concerned (and confused) about what steps to take next.  That is when I knew that I wouldn’t get the answers for myself.

I reached out to my B-School group for assistance.  I have struggled with connection for a long time.  Trusting people and knowing when to reach out for help is really difficult for me so reaching out like that was going out on a limb for me.  And they came through.  They validated my feelings and gave me some actionable advice to take moving forward.  I took a chance and it paid off.  While not all of my problems were solved, it was nice to know that I was not crazy.  It was also nice to focus on something that wasn’t my argumentative 3 year old.

It was a nice reminder that there are people who care and who will help you through.  Sometimes vulnerability is all it takes to find the answers you’re looking for.  It’s a reminder that I want to share with all of you.  During times like this, when isolation is mandatory, it’s easy to feel like you have to solve it all on your own.  Sometimes it drives you crazy because you feel more alone than ever.  But we are not alone.  Sometimes all you have to do is reach out and ask.

Photo by Sayantan Kundu on Pexels.com

Bravery comes in many forms.  Right now we are all being asked to be brave.  We are all tasked with going outside of our comfort zones.  It’s difficult because our comfort zones are what often give us the most joy.  But they are also what hold us back.  So we need to do what is necessary to shake off what has kept us safe—and stuck.

Bravery can look like taking the leap.  Going for something you really want but normally wouldn’t go after.  It can look like taking action.  When you’ve waited for the right moment and decide there is no right moment, there is only right now.

It can look like talking it over with someone.  In this case reaching out to save a relationship is equally as brave as reaching out for help. It takes a lot to admit our wrong doings and to admit when we need help.

It can look like making a decision.  When you’ve allowed yourself to sit in hopes of some big break crossing your path or because you were afraid of the consequences but then you make the choice and suddenly life rushes forward to meet you.  It can look like learning through decisions.  There are certain times in life when you just have to make that decision, and whether or not it turns out how you planned, you learn.

It can look like accepting…everything.  When you wish and hope for a thing to be a certain way and you finally accept that the damage you cause yourself from expectation is worse than just dealing with it as it really is and you finally embrace it.  There is freedom in it.

It can look like leaning into discomfort.  Along with acceptance, learning to feel your way through it and letting yourself get to the other side without judgement can make it a whole lot easier.  Understanding that the discomfort is temporary and that going with it rather than fighting it can get you to the other side faster is a whole different level of comfort.

It can look like being still and trusting your intuition.  Understanding that you need to trust yourself first and that there is always a reason behind everything teaches you that you can trust you will get to where you need to go.

You are already brave…carry on.

Photo by Ashan Rai on Pexels.com

Today I am grateful for learning.  I was able to take a few online classes today and to get through some work for my business.

Today I am grateful for recognizing emotion in my body.  I was having a really difficult time today because it was so gorgeous outside.  There was work that I wanted to be doing inside, but not taking advantage of going outside felt like a waste.  Plus my family was outside and I wanted to enjoy this day with them.  I felt the conflict in my heart, I felt my shoulders tense, I felt my mind being pulled in a million directions.  So I stopped and I put my hand on my chest and asked for guidance.  I went out for a while and I enjoyed the light while I could.  Then I came in to work.  Yes, I know, completely obvious to many, but once I get distracted, it’s hard to get back in the game.  So I consider it a small victory that even though I was distracted, I still managed to make some progress.

Today I am grateful for the discomfort I described above because it pushed me outside of where I was.  I was able to really evaluate what I wanted to be doing and it was a chance to practice listening to my intuition again. I’ve been struggling with follow through and motivation on a few personal projects so it felt like a test of my resolve.  I wrestled with it for a while and then listened.

Today I am grateful for family time.  We were fortunate enough to have time for a virtual family meeting so we got to see each other and laugh.  It felt like they were some of the most genuine laughs we’ve had as a family for a while.

Today I am grateful to evaluate what my contributions are.  I’ve been evaluating the type of person I am and the person I want to be and all of the conflict I’ve been feeling, all of my concerns about time and my worth are constantly grating on my mind.  But chewing on thoughts isn’t enough, it’s about action.  I am working on sharing my message and developing programs that people can use.  But right now I am working full time and I am at home with a toddler so I needed to level set a few expectations of myself; sometimes you just have to accept what your limitations are.  I may not be contributing as much as I feel I should be right now, but my energies are being directed where they need to be: toward my family and raising my son, toward creating work that is meaningful, and getting healthy.  Without those things, I wouldn’t be able to contribute anything.

Photo by Jeswin Thomas on Pexels.com

Often it takes something major to wake us up, as we struggle to maintain the illusion of control.  The mind will fight for any sense of normalcy, it will struggle to maintain the story it has been telling itself simply out of habit. I started to think about what this pandemic is doing for all of us.  Sometimes it takes losing a little freedom to realize the precious gifts we have right in front of us.  The air.  The joy of our little piece of this world, together.  The beautiful sound of my son’s contented sigh as he sleeps.  That is one of my favorite sounds in the entire world.  In hearing that little intake and release of breath, I feel the whole world expanding.  I feel the promise, the potential in him.  I also feel the innocence and trust and absolute unconditional love.  How one little sound from a tiny being can create so much emotion is beyond me, but I am grateful to feel it.  I am thrilled to feel it.  I am complete when I feel it.  And it is only those little things that we really need.  As we slow down and pause, remember what it is that you need.

Kerouac said to be in love with your live, every minute of it.  I used to be afraid to show my emotion because of my “too muchness” and how easily people dismissed me or started to exclude me because of how I expressed myself.  I was too loud, too emotional, too dramatic for so many people that I knew I needed to dull how deeply I felt and expressed things.  It was only with time that I realized I was diminishing myself for their comfort.  And I hated it.  Those moments, the little ones like today, remind me so clearly why I don’t want to dull that emotion.  Because the truth is I would trade every dull, pointless clubbing experience, every night drinking and bingeing, every 50 hour work week for a minute of listening to my son in complete peace.  And that is the essence of loving life.  Because that is what life really is.  Life happens in the in-between when we are searching for that big moment.  It’s the fleeting feeling of the sun so warm on your face as spring awakens.  It’s the breeze of the air when you open the windows in the morning.  It’s the smile you feel spread across your face when your favorite song comes on the radio randomly.  Life isn’t just the big moments, it’s all the moments.

It took me a long time to realize that, as desperate as I was for acceptance and to control things, life isn’t about acceptance from other people and how big your friend group is.  It’s about what you make of it.  It’s about the joy you bring to it.  It’s about how much you accept yourself.  For me, I need to feel big.  The feeling may not last a long time, but I need to feel it exactly as it is.  I feel bad for people who believe they need to quiet themselves because they won’t be accepted.  I feel bad for those who judge others for feeling big because in my heart, I know they were judged too and they are missing out on what it feels to be alive.  Maybe if we all acknowledged what we’re feeling, we might have a little more tolerance for each other.

It’s amazing how much we take our lives for granted.  How easily we fall into the routine.  I know this isolation due to the pandemic is causing a lot of people to feel claustrophobic or bored, but I have never felt more alive or more hopeful in my life.  I feel a different connection to myself again.  There are parts of me that I will never take for granted again.  There are new connections to the people I love as well and I don’t want to go back to the way things used to be.  There is a different kind of strength that comes from authenticity.  It is the raw vulnerability of being exactly who we are.  And it is beautiful.  So love your life big.  Feel everything big, honestly.  And in doing so, you will find the little moments that truly speak to you, and you will never take them for granted again.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I began working from home this week.  I had mentioned in previous posts about how there has been a lot of blatant underhanded snark (Oh, go ahead and do what you need to do then 20 minutes later sending a text about “real” leadership).  I’ve also mentioned coming to the decision that I’m not going to let that bother me—and that’s helping because I have a decision to stand in whether other people like it or not.  I still feel immense guilt but I know I have to take care of my family.

I took my guilt and I started thinking about how this is playing out during this pandemic.  I’ve been looking at the story we are constantly telling ourselves and I find myself becoming more and more frustrated.  I’m talking about the story of what leadership looks like.  The truth is I have yet to see any real form of leadership from those in power.  I HAVE seen leadership in the people who have stood up and said we are not going to take this anymore and they have organized to get PPE for medical staff.  They have helped their neighbors get food and supplies.  They have told those people ignoring the stay at home order that they need to get home.

I am SO proud to work in a field where people are there to help others.  They are there to fix what is wrong and what can’t be fixed alone.  They help people at their weakest and in their greatest moments.  But I am not proud of the fact that these people are being exploited as heroes because of the bad decisions those in power have made.  This was an entirely preventable tragedy when it came time to make the decision to take measures to keep this illness at bay.  Instead we have a country that did the bare minimum to lock down and the disease spread like wildfire—just as they knew it would—and those in power offered no real relief in the form of suspending bills, utilities, rents/mortgages.  They told people to stay home all the while ignoring the fact that these people were going to lose their jobs, their homes, lose everything if they didn’t work.  Our government put all of us in the position of choosing between our livelihood and our lives because they refused to help where it was needed.

And then in my field, in my organization specifically, to be guilted into their version of what leadership looks like, to put all of our lives on the line as if this was some noble cause instead of the preventable tragedy it is.  It makes me sick.  To STILL continually see people out socially frustrates me as well because the longer we go on like this, with half measures in place, the longer this disease will continue to spread.  New Zealand chose the route of a specific time of universal hardship and it WORKED.  Why on Earth would we all not follow?  Why do we have this mentality that we are so special, that we are the only ones who’s way of life can’t be disrupted?

Because we are run by money.  We determine worth by what’s in your bank account, where you live, what clothes you wear, who you sleep with.  We like to pretend we are more evolved than that and that we are really being taken care of during this crisis.  But the truth is, if we were all truly unified, if we were all being taken care of, we could have put a dent in this madness already and potentially have even stopped it.  We would have had leadership that stood up and said, for all the people we are going to change and make sure as many people as possible come through this alive.  We wouldn’t be reusing soiled protective equipment and touting it as an act of bravery.  Believe me, I know it IS brave—but I also know that there were ways to prevent this.  So the people who run the show don’t want to be on the frontline—that is fine, but at least have the damn decency to provide for those who are protecting the rest of us.

I have also seen the story of men in suits pretending that this is going to be business as usual someday.  I pray to God it NEVER goes back to business as usual.  When this is all over, I pray that we remember what we are all going through right now.  I pray we remember so we don’t go through it again.  I pray we remember why we have to do things differently.  I pray we no longer take our freedoms for granted and that we no longer allow those who have actually done the dirty work for the rest of us, who have put their lives on the line, to be taken advantage of.  I pray we actually appreciate each other and not just the dollar our efforts bring to a business.  Because the only thing stopping us now is a bullshit belief that we have to put in the time to make a dime.  I’m not saying that we don’t have to work for something—I am saying that we are all worth more than a God damn dime.  Until we shift the mentality that allows businesses to throw people away for the sake of a dime, we are going to suffer because we confuse the purpose and value of life.  Let’s remember that all lives are worth it and let’s actually remember what it means to live again.  Let’s do that.  And let’s stop pretending that we CAN’T do that.  We can do anything.  So let’s do the right thing for everyone.

Photo by Andre Estevez on Pexels.com

Today I am so grateful for technology.  Given the current climate affecting all of us, we were not able to physically be with family today to celebrate Easter.  Instead we spent a beautiful early afternoon having a virtual family meeting.  There was just something about being able to see my family and to speak with everyone that helped even though we weren’t together.

Today I am grateful for progress.  There has been a lot of talk about not using this time to force progress or productivity—which I whole heartedly agree with.  But I have seen this time as an opportunity to get things done, both personally and professionally.  It has been a time for me to rewrite some goals and to redefine what I want to do.  It has been time to develop clarity in my life.

Today I am grateful to allow.  I have struggled a lot with letting go because I struggle with control issues which are a result of trust issues.  I’m learning to stand up for what is right for me without worrying about what is right for one particular person or an organization.  I am learning to not be guilted into action.  I am allowing myself to move from a place of what feels right.

Today I am grateful for common ground.  In this new normal, for lack of a better term, I am learning that we are all trying to maintain the equilibrium of what we knew before.  The problem with that is we can’t continue to operate from the place we knew because this is not that.  And the common ground that I found today was that we are all disoriented.  We are all adapting to something unprecedented.  We are all emotional about it on some level.  And we all have issues we are trying to heal.  For some of us it is around trust and knowing that we will be able to provide for our families.  For others it is about adapting their business and functioning differently.  But either way, we are all trying to adapt to something.  We are all working through something.

Today I am grateful for change.  In spite of the things we are struggling to learn, I am grateful that this time is exposing new ways of doing things.  We have such an opportunity here to make an impact on people and their lives as well as on the world.  In spite of how horrible this situation is, we have an opportunity to make the world better.  In spite of how scary those changes may be, the reality is that they are very small changes and it could be much easier than we think to create a sustainable way of life for everyone.

Today I am grateful for the shift in outlook.  Hand in hand with change, there has been a shift in how we look at the world.  We have a new understanding of our roles and our position in the world.  We have a new understanding of our impact and what our capabilities really are.  We have a new understanding of what we need to look at for the future.  I have confidence that we are working toward new things that will benefit us beyond profit.

Today I am grateful for music.  I started my day today dancing like crazy around the house.  I’ve been good about getting my body moving the last couple of weeks—and it has felt AMAZING—so it was a fun new way to get the day started.  The power of music is something that has always moved me and I have always been appreciative of.  I was even more appreciative of it today because I knew I was going to be separated from the rest of my family today and starting the day with something uplifting that also got me moving was great.