Monthly Archives: January 2020

Go Where You Are Valued

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I’ve had taken a few days off this week to consider why I feel these particular emotional issues.  I’ve mentioned before that emotional control has always been a challenge for me, so it’s no surprise that, as it’s one of my goals, I am faced with an abundance of opportunities to practice.  I know that I don’t want to continue to hold onto these feelings but I also know that they require some big decisions, particularly about close relationships.  I know part of me is fearful because I just don’t want to make those decisions.  I never thought I would have to.  I also know that I am not the first nor the last person to have to make the decision about cutting ties with key people so I take some comfort in that.

I came to the understanding that if I want to maintain calm in my life, I need to have a great support team—everyone needs that.  This means that, regardless of the relationship, if a person is not healthy or brings out unhealthy feelings (in spite of my efforts to discuss otherwise), or if they make me feel less than, they need to go.  That isn’t to say I don’t love these people, but if I am going to practice what I preach, then I can’t be with people who are unhealthy to my life.

The bottom line is, you don’t have to fight to be heard where you are valued.  I have spent a lot of time feeling like I’m screaming in a crowded room and no one even looks up until the party is over and I’m left to clean it up.  That isn’t a healthy relationship and it certainly isn’t a supportive environment.  It’s also not healthy for me to always feel like I’m in a state of “I told you so.”  I don’t want my relationships to be about proving I’m right or proving my worth—I want mutual input and I want to be taken seriously and respected.  I’m not talking about the egoic level of respect—I’m talking about the kind I mentioned the other day.  The kind where you simply care enough about someone to hear them out and work through a problem together.  You can’t spend your life surrounded by people who live to see you fail and clean up their mess and expect to thrive.

And I want to thrive.  I have been given a gift and I want to use it to the best of my ability to help others.  I am not the only one in this situation, and everyone needs to be able to make their own decisions, but the choice for me, as difficult as it is, was made for me.  I don’t want to live my life on repeat, constantly arguing about the same things over and over again.  It’s a waste of time, energy, and my talents.  So I want to separate myself for some time and see how that works out.  If you can’t make your presence felt, make your absence known.

It will make things difficult for me but I think it will ultimately be for the best.  It will give me a chance to really stand on my own two feet.  So much of this decision is simply in the name of self-care and accepting what I’m really about.  It’s about being open to several ideas—that I need to listen to my gut and not other people, it is ok to ask what it is I really need in my life, and accepting that I can be the villain as well.  We’ve all hurt people and we’ve all been hurt—so let’s make this about not hurting anyone anymore.  In order to do that we need to heal–I need to heal.  I have dimmed my shine for the sake of these people and gotten nothing but frustration for it and been told that I am still not good enough.  So I want to remove the veil from my head.

If the span of the universe is limitless and we are connected to it, the universe within us, then we are limitless as well.  It is not ok for any person, regardless of who they are to you, to make you feel any less than that.  I want to feel good again.  I want to put my skills and talents to good use.  I want to be where I’m valued and productive and can enjoy again.  That is all about mental state and you can’t do that in a sick environment.  It’s time to awaken from the shallowness and dive into what I’m meant to build, the depths of who I am.  That is what I want for everyone—to awaken what is innately within them so they can surprise themselves with what they are meant to do.  Living to their fullest potential. If the universe is always conspiring to support me, guide me, and lead me to my highest good, then this is all for a reason.  It’s time to wake up.

Understanding Your Role in Conflict- Learning to Dig Deep

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“When I’m grateful for what I have, I can feel good along the way to what I desire” Gabby Bernstein Super Attractor Deck.  The awareness and state of gratitude elevates our mindset and helps keep us focused.  This is a good reminder to be grateful all the time.  I share my gratitude posts on Sunday but it is important to be grateful for something everyday, even when it’s a rough day.  Actually, especially when it’s a rough day.

These last few weeks have been challenging for me.  Finding out that in spite of throwing really nice get togethers and having the people I love with me, that those people didn’t give a shit about my efforts.  Not only did they not care about my efforts, they didn’t even give a shit about my presence.  I barely got a thank you, in fact, I was told to say thank you to everyone—AFTER I already said thank you.

I’m struggling to find my place with these people.  Clearly I did something wrong but I honestly can’t figure it out.  The only reason I feel comfortable saying this now is the fact that EVERYONE is reacting to me this way.  I’m not saying that I couldn’t have done something, but I really would like to know what it was.  Every single person involved has no problem coming to me whenever they need something from me.  I made a promise to myself back in October that I would keep an open mind about other’s opinions and I am sticking with that to find where I also went wrong—it takes two to tango, even with communication breakdowns.

It’s an incredibly disorienting feeling to become so disconnected from the people you’re supposed to have an innate bond with.  It’s a lonely feeling.  I’m learning to accept that I can’t change anyone.  They don’t have to accept me.  There are things we will simply disagree on at a fundamental level.  Some people just don’t like you no matter what.  It’s ok to walk away from anyone regardless of the relationship if they aren’t contributing something positive to your life.  If they make you feel like you don’t belong, then don’t be afraid to walk away—if your presence isn’t welcomed, then make your absence felt.

I’ve needed a lot of validation from people, or at least acknowledgement of my efforts because I have never been given any sort of credit for what I’ve done in my life.  and perhaps it is that need for validation that keeps the recognition from me.  So with all of these things, I’ve definitely needed to refocus on the positive blessings I have in my life.

I have a home that is full of everything I could possibly need in this moment—food, clothes, blankets, water, entertainment, and hope.  I have amazing animals who share their love unconditionally.  I have a beautiful, amazing, loving son who I am so privileged to see grow.  He reminds me of what it’s like to have fun and how it’s necessary to play.  I have transportation and a job and an amazing side gig that is turning into something else.    These are the positives that I choose to focus on from here out.  That is what will keep me sane.

Aligning With Behavior We Aren’t Used To

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When we are trying to adjust our behaviors we have two choices: adapt to the new behavior you desire or return to what you’re used to.  I’m in a position now where I am trying as hard as I can to not give into the old patterns of behavior but I find myself smack in the middle of situations that bring me right back to where I was previously.  It is a challenge for me because I still feel things intensely no matter how much I am trying to exercise control and caution with my emotions.

I pulled a card today from my Super Attractor deck and it was “When I’m patient I let the universe do for me what I cannot do for myself.”  So…I’m not exactly a patient person either.  I don’t want to sit around and wait for things to get done when I know I can be acting on them.  I know that the guidance I receive is always right on even if I don’t understand the message immediately.  It took me a little while to accept what the message was saying as it pertains to me changing my behavior.

I’ve always been a perfectionist and I tend to expect that I will get things right the first time I try them.  I’ve been blessed to be head strong and determined so I will always put forth the effort to get it right.  But when I couple this effort to change my old patterns with the idea that I need to be patient, the message is much clearer: I need to be patient with myself because change is hard and it takes a lot to work through that.  Perhaps I have taken on too much to change at once and I need to take smaller steps.  I need to be patient with myself to make these changes permanent.

I’ve never believed that we just are who we are and we are unchanging.  I was, however, unfair in my estimate of what it takes to change.  It is a series of shifts and continual self-reminders that we need to watch our thoughts and our actions to see if they support who we are becoming.  Sometimes it’s hard to even know who we want to become and it starts with a feeling that something is off or that we want something more.

The universe works in its own time and sometimes we have to let things unfold a little more before we make a decision about how we want them to be.  It is our job to be open to the changes that happen and to learn to go with them.  We live in a world that doesn’t support that type of timeline because we feel that things need to go according to our schedule—I am extremely guilty of that.  But the universe doesn’t rush and it won’t open the next door until it deems you ready for it.

So, in my haste to be the person I’m desperate to become, I have to surrender to what IS.  Let go of the desperation for a little bit and relish in what has already happened.  Take the time to savor a little.  It is better to make a little progress and assimilate the lesson than it is to jump to the end and have no clue what you’re doing.  We stumble blindly for so long on the path we are told to follow that learning how to forge our own way can be more than a little disorienting.  We have a nasty habit of only praising the end result over the journey.  But the journey shapes the result in so many ways.  It gives us the depth of who we become because we use those steps as our foundation.  If we skip a step we may miss out on a piece of that foundation.

Being patient also shows a sense of trust in the universe.  Trust is another of my working points.  It makes complete sense that when we give in and let go we can more easily flow with the program.  The sense of emotional attachment we forge with our goals can lead us to do some crazy things and to feel utterly helpless or insanely high depending on the result.  Rather than attach, get curious.  See what comes of a situation and see how it makes you feel.  I’m curious enough to try being more patient.  I’m curious enough that I want to see how my goals come to fruition.  I’m curious enough to stay this course for a while longer.  I’m curious enough to try trusting that things will turn out how they were meant to.  So that is what I’m going to do.

All of These Things Still Exist

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Last night we had a disturbing experience with one of our neighbors.  It was disturbing due to the behavior on both of our parts, that can’t be denied, but it absolutely infuriated me to no end.  After spending a night fuming about this and replaying it over and over again, I can narrow down the issue to one key thing: there is entirely too little respect in this world anymore.  We may pretend we have respect for one another as we give our stiff nods of hello and our untruthful greeting of “How are you?” “Fine” in reply, but it doesn’t exist in the true sense anymore.

Respect is defined as due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.  And just to clarify, regard is used as a verb here and means consider or think of someone or something in a specified way.  In short, think about the impact of your actions on other people.  We have become so self-centered that we don’t know how to think beyond our own needs and wants and it is tearing this world apart.  Our actions effect more than our individual worlds and it’s easy to forget that because we are only looking for the direct impact in our own.

During this confrontation last night issues of sexism and proprietary law came into question among other things.  This all started simply because we have had issues with our neighbors being too loud for a long time.  We had previously spoken to them about it and the gentleman asked that we call him in the future so he can handle it—he never gave us his number and we should have done our due diligence to ask for it after the first incident.  Regardless, it was 12:00AM and we could still hear their surround sound pushing base.  My husband went over to tell them to turn it down and after a minute or so I hear the yelling so I went outside.  As I didn’t hear the beginning of the conversation, I don’t know what escalated the situation initially but it devolved into some choice words and me telling the neighbor I would be calling the cops and his response being “You’re a woman, I have nothing to say to you.”

It absolutely disgusts me that we live in a world, in the 21st century and this sexist, demeaning behavior still happens.  I own my home-that is my name on the mortgage that I pay.  It doesn’t matter what gender I am, show me some respect.  Show any of your neighbors respect.  If I come speak to you property owner to property owner, that is enough to warrant you listen and address what I have to say.  If you’re going to be ignorant enough to not hear that because I’m a woman, then yeah, you deserve whatever penalty you face when I escalate the situation to the authorities.

Normally I like to discuss things that are uplifting but there are so many sobering reminders on a daily basis that we are broken and need to fix things.  To entirely dismiss someone because of their gender is unacceptable.  The world needs to learn more tolerance and openness to their own errors.  Your behavior is always in flux and you will be the bad guy in some people’s stories.  Own your part in it because part of growth and evolution is understanding where you are compared to where you want to be.  There is nothing wrong with admitting you need some work—in fact that’s the only way we know to move forward.  I would rather have someone apologize meaningfully and move forward together than have someone dismiss me because they are convinced they did no wrong.  Hear each other out.  Hear what we have to say to each other.  Understand what we are really asking for: respect.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for the air in my lungs.  Feeling my body inhaling and exhaling kept me centered nearly all day.  I had to remind myself that sometimes we have to take things slower than we intended and that it is ok to take it one breath at a time.

Today I am grateful for my beating heart.  Feeling the rhythmic pumping, so automated in its job, reminds me not to waste it because we never know when it will stop.  Each beat is a gift and it is filled with purpose.  Our job is not to waste those precious moments.

Today I am grateful to remember it is these key functions in life that push us forward.  We are given the ability to move and create and build a life—it is up to us to make the most of it.  I struggle with the perception of time and today ended up much further from where I wanted to be, but I moved forward nonetheless.

Today I am grateful for getting back into routine.  While I’m working on building the life I want, I see what works for me and what doesn’t.  I am reshaping the routine that I was used to in favor of the routine I want to have for myself.

Today I am grateful for a weekend spent rejuvenating (for the most part).  We were supposed to get a terrible storm so we had prepped early so we could stay home as needed.  While there were some tense moments, I was definitely able to spend time at home working on the other things I wanted to.  Saturday was much more productive than today, but, seeing as change is uncomfortable, switching it up and learning what works for me self-care wise is a worthy investment.

Today I am grateful for seeing the real side of people.  I learned a painful lesson last night, one that will take a while to want to discuss, but I learned it.  Sometimes the people you think are in your court simply are in their own.  It doesn’t mean you are bad or stupid, it just means you left your heart open to the wrong people.  Cut your losses, wish them well, and move on.

Today I am grateful for the time to really think about my role in this world.  My husband was not feeling the greatest today so we ended up with quite a bit of down time.  I felt frustrated and alone, but as the day went on, I realized the pause was there to help me recognize where I have the opportunity to readjust.  Not only that but where I have the opportunity to really move forward where I want to.  I had the time to think about the things I need to do and the changes I have to make to achieve those goals.  None of it is easy, but if I’m honest with myself, it is necessary.

Today I am grateful to understand what it means to have a team.  Based on the events of the last few weeks, I see the pattern that I really need to be cautious about who I spend my time with and where I direct my energy.  I see the people, or at least they type of people, I need to have in my court.  Since I am no longer trying to play small for the sake of others, I feel this is the natural progression of things.  The people who were with me for personal gain, whether it was money or things I gave them, will fall away as I evolve into a person who creates things.  Elevate my mindset, elevate my life, let the rest fall away.

Today I am grateful to understand that I’ve been holding onto things.  I thought it was about taking things slowly and being cautious, but now I understand it was about fear of letting go because I didn’t know what was next.  Sometimes we have to approach change like pulling off a band-aid.  Rip it off quickly and move on—especially when we’ve been holding so tightly to things that don’t serve.

Joy Begets Joy

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“When I introduce joy to a situation, I change the vibrational frequency of what’s happening around me.”  Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  I love this because it is the perfect sentiment to what is going on around me has no bearing on how I react and behave.  I can still be joyful, it’s a choice.  I used to get completely annoyed with people who would profess things like that because I never understood how you couldn’t react to a situation.  Then I realized it’s about understanding who you want to be and behaving like that and living at that level.

Tonight is a trying night for me because of little silly things:  the cats are acting insane, the dog peed on the floor, the dog won’t go to the bathroom outside, my husband is crabby for no reason, and my son didn’t want to come home and then he didn’t want to eat dinner.  Nothing major by any means but enough of the tiny things to annoy me nonetheless.  I know I can still be happy in spite of the storm around me.  Sometimes when that storm is raging for others, as difficult as it is, you can still be the port for someone else.  So I’m working on this and listening to my son play and I’m giving my husband some space to figure out what exactly the issue is.

I’ve been thinking about the way we’ve allowed ourselves to become so narcissistic.  I let those silly little things get to me and they are so not part of the big picture.  There are real tragedies befalling this world right now.  People talking about world war three, Australia is on fire, the government is so corrupt it isn’t even funny and we still allow ourselves to fall into the trap of the small stuff.  The things we think are important but in reality have no bearing on what we do or what happens in the world.  I feel helpless in some regards but I know the one thing I can control is my attitude toward these situations, both small and big.

The world needs people to vibrate at a higher frequency with more thought and intention.  We need to operate from a place of understanding and mutual compromise.  I don’t profess to have the answer to fix the overall situation but I do believe it always starts with us.  The more we connect with authentic self and learn about what makes our individual worlds light up, the more we can put that out into the world with love and joy.  From there we will understand more of what doesn’t resonate or promote a feeling of positivity.  I truly believe that we can then begin to reconstruct our belief system to something that does work for the benefit of all.

The universe in its breadth and span of time is so enormous that it seems to me that much of what we do here is so trivial and outmoded that we need to elevate to a higher level of functioning.  With that being said, we have to learn to speak the language of the universe by recognizing that language within ourselves first.  Only then can we begin to understand how we are all connected and how the little things we have created here mean nothing.  All of our rules were devised by man in an effort to elicit control of some sort.  I believe that once we have a different understanding of our role in the universe, our motives will shift as well.

So start small.  Start with what makes you happy and move toward that.  Speak of the joy you feel when you work with something that speaks to you.  Speak of the joy you feel when you feel it—don’t wait for the “right” time.  There is no reason to play small—the universe is plenty big enough to support all of our dreams.  We created this system based off of what we knew at the time.  It’s time to know better and to behave better because it is the right thing to do.  Start small.  Start with you.  Joy begets joy and light will attract more light and that is something the world needs desperately.  Remember the beautiful gift we have all been given in this opportunity to be here and now and share it as far as you can.

Looking for Guidance

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“I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me,” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  I drew that card this morning when I was literally asking for advice.  I specifically asked for guidance on how to handle the day and that was the answer.  For me that meant to be open to all of the different kinds of guidance in the universe.  There are signs everywhere as long as we pay attention.

We have to learn to look at what is happening and understand it for what it is trying to tell us.  When we’re in a hurry and we hit a red light or a ton of traffic, maybe the universe is telling us to find another route to avoid an accident, or maybe the person we are meeting is running late as well.  It’s easy to get caught up in the frustration and give into the fear during the moment and lose sight of any other messages.  In order to avoid that type of frustration, like with most things, it’s about retraining the mind.  It’s about not giving into the emotion or the power surrounding you.  It’s about retaining your power.

It is a lot of work to not give into long rooted patterns.  Emotional control is easily one of my biggest challenges.  I’m a passionate person and it never occurred to me to NOT give into what I was feeling.  So it took a lot to start looking for the signs before allowing myself to “go there” emotionally.  It can be a certain feeling in your body or a recurring thought.  Let the way you’re feeling be a trigger to you to pay attention.  Notice that you’re leaning toward the old reaction and pause.  Take all the time you need to redirect until the feeling passes.  Again, I don’t profess this is easy.

While this kind of training is difficult, it is incredibly rewarding to have peace of mind.  Decisions come easier when you pay attention to what is around you because you feel connected.  Connection is what we are all really striving for but we sometimes become distracted by what we need to be connected to.  As I mentioned above, there is guidance available everywhere.  Just because a message comes in a different guise doesn’t mean it’s not a message for us.

I read a lot of advice and self-help because I am trying to be the best version of myself.  I have to remind myself that just reading that material isn’t enough to be that version I see of myself: it takes practice.  So when I see something that is reminiscent of what I was reading of working on no matter how mundane, I always take it as confirmation that I’m on the right path.  Sharing the guidance I receive after I can speak to putting it into practice is what I enjoy doing.  I want people to be able to see the messages they are so desperately seeking when they need them most.

I believe that people can always do their best.  Put all the insecurities aside and all of the self-doubt and just let yourself out of the cage.  Set your mind on what you are trying to accomplish and find the signs that will keep you on track.  Even if it doesn’t look how you think it should, listen when your gut is telling you to follow it.

Change and Evolution of the Mind

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In case it isn’t clear yet, I ponder the messages of the universe a lot.  I don’t pretend that I can do any of this on my own.  I absolutely need guidance from something other than myself.  So much of what goes through my head is a twisted jumble that takes me years to sort through.  If I’m honest, I’m not sure if I’ve ever managed to finish sorting through anything yet.  I’m still learning to be this person.  It’s taken me over 35 years to learn that you don’t have to be who you were at the start.  Life evolves and we have to evolve with it.  If we don’t we will never truly thrive.  We may survive the turmoil of living a half-life between who we think we need to be and who we truly are, but it will never be as great as it could be.  I personally think everyone benefits when wake up and start answering and honoring our highest potential.  When we fulfill our purpose the world benefits.

As I was working through the fact that I am a work in progress and I can continue to define who I am and what my work entails, I turned to my Super Attractor Deck.  The card I drew was “Believing in spiritual guidance gives me certainty and the freedom to keep dreaming, even when I can’t yet see the result.”  This beautiful card nailed it.  If we are a work in progress (which we all are) we will never see the end. We haven’t defined anything to the point of knowing how it ends yet.  Specifically related to this work, having faith in the work I am doing and in the evolution I am sharing with all of you is what I want to do now.  I don’t know what it is going to turn into.  I don’t know where it will go from here.  My hope is that some of you find value in these messages and apply them to your own lives to spark something wonderful that is already present in you.

The beauty of life is that we can constantly start over.  We have to retrain our mind to understand that we don’t need to be perfect from the start.  90% of what we see on a daily basis is either the result of a ton of work we didn’t see or it is fabricated to elicit a result out of us.  When we look at the speed media flies nowadays, it’s easy to set up the expectation that we need to match what others are saying they have done without knowing the details.  Forget the expectation.  Forge the results you are looking for by following the path you are meant to follow rather than spending a gifted life playing catch up on someone else’s trail.  Yes, that may mean you have to start over a million times until you find what works for you.  But keep taking those steps and trust that it is ok to shift as everything else shifts.

We are not meant to stagnate.  We are not meant to make a definitive decision about what our lives will be when we are still children and then stick to it because we said that is what we wanted.  Life is about the experience and the dance and, my friends, the music changes constantly.  You can’t keep shuffling the same steps to a new tune.  Hone faith in whatever it is you believe in.  For me that is spirit and source.  It took a long time to even get here for me and I have a long way to go.  But I love the work and I love being able to share it with all of you.  Watch me dance 😊

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for teamwork.  My husband and I managed to get ourselves back on track with cleaning the house after the holidays and our son’s birthday party.  We even managed to do some rearranging in our bedroom and get some furniture fixed.  It was a wonderful feeling to be working together and to be productive going into the next week.

Today I am grateful for the ability to prepare nutritious meals for the week.  After the recent illness in our house, it gave me some pause about keeping my body healthy.  I was able to take some time today to organize and prepare food to help keep me on track.  This isn’t a resolution thing, this is a thing to help me stay healthy after my body went through the ringer with being sick.

Today I am grateful for awesome music and dance time with my son.  While we had the house torn apart again in an effort to clean and purge toys, I was able to make a game of it with our son and we danced and laughed together.  The pure joy on my son’s face was absolutely the most fulfilling feeling because I was able to share those moments of song and love with him.

Today I am grateful for clean clothes.  I was able to get a lot of laundry done with the help of my husband and able to prepare that for the week as well.  It felt good to be able to get that done while we were doing other things around the house.

Today I am grateful for the little things.  The toys I managed to purge are going to my great-nephew and I love that we can give them to a good home.  He will be able to make wonderful memories with those the same as my son did.  I love that we could spend time together working on family projects because we were able to build our communication as we discussed what needed to be done.

Today I am grateful to spend time with my animals.  It was nice to let lose and have some fun and watch the animals run around enjoying their toys.

Today I am grateful for the party we threw for my son yesterday.  He had an amazing time with family and friends and we had good food and he was gifted so many things he can use and play with that he won’t need anything else for quite a while.  Having everyone together for my son was so nice as he is the common thread between two families and our friends.  We are truly blessed.

Today I am grateful to have the opportunity to spread some light in the world.  There are a lot of dark things going on right now and it helps to think of the things that we have that are going well.  We need to remember more often that this world is full of light.  Even though there are dark things, the more light we bring to them, the less power they have.  It is up to us to make the time to focus on the positive because it’s time to deescalate the volatility currently happening.  We all need to pause and remember what we have to be grateful for and to spread the reminders of the beautiful little things out there.  Be the light.  Be the love we all need right now.

Fear or Friend?

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“I don’t have to fear my fear, I can use it as a way to get closer to love,” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  This is actually incredibly personal for me.  I am a person who, admittedly, has been fearful most of my life.  From the every day things to the BIG things, my brain has managed to warp nearly everything into something of near catastrophic proportions.  Ironically, in most cases when there was a real emergency, I was always prepared and I made it through those calmly and with flying colors.  Maybe it was the years of replaying horrific circumstances in my mind that made me prepared, maybe I was functioning in a broken state.  I digress.

For a long time I looked at life as something to control.  I thought it was just me being prepared, being the adult in the situation but really it was me wanting to call the shots over everything.  I absolutely did that out of fear.  I didn’t want to lose anything, I wanted to have the answers, I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to know what was coming, and I wanted to have a response to anything that came my way.  Again, those were all responses to fear of the unknown.

I know this started as a child because I had older siblings and my habit of proving things to people started there.  I wanted to prove I could keep up and I hated being left behind or shown that I was wrong about something because I would be made fun of for it.  It progressed from there to school as well (still as young as grade school).  I was terrified of being wrong because it seemed I was always made fun of for it.  No one taught me it was a learning experience—it was just something that I was belittled for it.  Lack of knowledge was laughable.

Then fear spread to everything.  I lost my grandfather and that cut me deeper than anything at that point in my life.  Couple that with a lack of trust with my closest family and I began to fear life itself.  I couldn’t stand the unpredictability.  I hated not knowing what was coming.  I hated not knowing period.  I became afraid, like I said, of everything.

I’ve learned to look at the things I feared in different ways.  For example, I don’t fear failure or being wrong.  I have truly adopted the mentality that failure is a learning experience.  However, brains run on the path of least resistance and for me that path still trends towards fear so my brain often comes up with new things to fear.  It likes to remind me of things that I’ve done wrong (re-living embarrassment) and it likes to remind me of the things I know will happen but don’t know when like illness and death.

The idea of making peace with each thing I fear is comforting to me.  I have had success with the small things and it gives me some hope that fear is something that I am able to live with.  Liz Gilbert says in Big Magic that fear is allowed to come along for the ride but it isn’t allowed to drive.  I spent a lot of time as a passenger to fear in my life.  I let it call all the shots including when I went out with friends or when my husband and I went out to eat as well as when we had a child.  I let it decide that I wasn’t going to go away to school, I let it keep me in a job I detested for years, and I let it prevent me from sticking with my decisions, and worst, I let it keep me from going after my goals.  I hated fear for a long time until I realized that it was my reactions to the fear that I hated, not the fear itself.

Learning to look at fear as something that needs to be loved is a challenge.  Most of us have a strong negative reaction to the emotion and recognize that it is not comfortable to sit with it so our first instinct is to push it away.  The truth is fear is just doing its job.  It’s trying desperately to protect us and sometimes it gets a little too amped.  Piggy Backing off of yesterday’s conversation about choosing our thoughts, it is up to us to look at fear for what it really is: a primal directive toward self-preservation.  We have always had the wheel—we just need to do a better job of steering where we go.  Leaning into fear and making a collaborative agreement with it can lead us to love—because we are learning to love the darkest parts of us.