I’ve had taken a few days off this week to consider why I feel these particular emotional issues. I’ve mentioned before that emotional control has always been a challenge for me, so it’s no surprise that, as it’s one of my goals, I am faced with an abundance of opportunities to practice. I know that I don’t want to continue to hold onto these feelings but I also know that they require some big decisions, particularly about close relationships. I know part of me is fearful because I just don’t want to make those decisions. I never thought I would have to. I also know that I am not the first nor the last person to have to make the decision about cutting ties with key people so I take some comfort in that.
I came to the understanding that if I want to maintain calm in my life, I need to have a great support team—everyone needs that. This means that, regardless of the relationship, if a person is not healthy or brings out unhealthy feelings (in spite of my efforts to discuss otherwise), or if they make me feel less than, they need to go. That isn’t to say I don’t love these people, but if I am going to practice what I preach, then I can’t be with people who are unhealthy to my life.
The bottom line is, you don’t have to fight to be heard where you are valued. I have spent a lot of time feeling like I’m screaming in a crowded room and no one even looks up until the party is over and I’m left to clean it up. That isn’t a healthy relationship and it certainly isn’t a supportive environment. It’s also not healthy for me to always feel like I’m in a state of “I told you so.” I don’t want my relationships to be about proving I’m right or proving my worth—I want mutual input and I want to be taken seriously and respected. I’m not talking about the egoic level of respect—I’m talking about the kind I mentioned the other day. The kind where you simply care enough about someone to hear them out and work through a problem together. You can’t spend your life surrounded by people who live to see you fail and clean up their mess and expect to thrive.
And I want to thrive. I have been given a gift and I want to use it to the best of my ability to help others. I am not the only one in this situation, and everyone needs to be able to make their own decisions, but the choice for me, as difficult as it is, was made for me. I don’t want to live my life on repeat, constantly arguing about the same things over and over again. It’s a waste of time, energy, and my talents. So I want to separate myself for some time and see how that works out. If you can’t make your presence felt, make your absence known.
It will make things difficult for me but I think it will ultimately be for the best. It will give me a chance to really stand on my own two feet. So much of this decision is simply in the name of self-care and accepting what I’m really about. It’s about being open to several ideas—that I need to listen to my gut and not other people, it is ok to ask what it is I really need in my life, and accepting that I can be the villain as well. We’ve all hurt people and we’ve all been hurt—so let’s make this about not hurting anyone anymore. In order to do that we need to heal–I need to heal. I have dimmed my shine for the sake of these people and gotten nothing but frustration for it and been told that I am still not good enough. So I want to remove the veil from my head.
If the span of the universe is limitless and we are connected to it, the universe within us, then we are limitless as well. It is not ok for any person, regardless of who they are to you, to make you feel any less than that. I want to feel good again. I want to put my skills and talents to good use. I want to be where I’m valued and productive and can enjoy again. That is all about mental state and you can’t do that in a sick environment. It’s time to awaken from the shallowness and dive into what I’m meant to build, the depths of who I am. That is what I want for everyone—to awaken what is innately within them so they can surprise themselves with what they are meant to do. Living to their fullest potential. If the universe is always conspiring to support me, guide me, and lead me to my highest good, then this is all for a reason. It’s time to wake up.