Sunday Gratitude

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I awoke this morning feeling a little rushed.  There was a gorgeous sunrise that I wanted to get pictures of, the dog needed to go out, the cats needed to be fed, I knew my son would be waking up soon…a normal morning in all honesty.  But I felt the creative urge pulling at me and I knew I needed to get out and walk to get the pictures that I wanted.  So I took the dog out, fed the cats, grabbed the camera and LEFT! I didn’t care that I left my husband with our son—they were in bed anyway—I didn’t feel guilty about the million things that need to be done around the house including laundry, meal prep, organizing toys, clearing off the junk on the table, finishing cleaning the garage, showering, and a baptism for good measure.  I listened, I walked, and I got the photos I needed.  And I felt good.

After I got back from my walk, the card I pulled from the Super Attractor deck was “When I make joy a priority, brilliant ideas will come naturally, support will surround me, and movements will form.”  The truth is I have never felt more connected to what I want to do with my life than in the moments when I am taking action on what I want to do.  This isn’t a revelatory statement, I know, but it is a nice reminder that sometimes we have to let our creativity free and just do what feels right in the moment and not worry about the future.  It is in those moments when we are connected with source and we are fulfilling our purpose.  We are so trained to do what we are “supposed” to do that it can feel uncomfortable honoring what we want.  But the latter is infinitely more rewarding.

Today I am grateful for listening to my gut and honoring what my heart wanted to do this morning.  I easily could have fallen into the usual pattern of jumping into the things I needed to do, but I knew I needed some time to turn off the “gotta do” brain and just do what I wanted to.

Today I am grateful for taking action toward building a future that I want.  Making peace with what I know I am meant to do and doing what I need to do feels like the next step.  Often when we are in transition it is easier to take the path of least resistance and repeat old patterns.  It takes a strong will to stick with what you know is right for you in spite of what people tell you, you should be do.

Today I am grateful for gorgeous sunrises.  Seeing those colors light up the sky is a nice reminder of both how small we are and how it’s important to let our inner light shine too.

Today I am grateful for continued synchronicity.  The simple reminder to make joy a priority after I had already made that decision is truthfully the only validation I am looking for.  The universe saying, “You’ve got this.  Take it one step at a time.  Go with what feels right.”

Today I am grateful for making better decisions.  The last couple of days I hadn’t been feeling myself both physically and emotionally—my brain felt foggy, I wasn’t eating right so my stomach was off as well.  Today is about listening to what my body needs, what my heart is asking for, and what my soul is telling me is right.  I feel the improvement almost immediately.

Today I am grateful to have the opportunity to share this.  I’ve often thought that in order to make in impact on the world you needed to take large, dramatic steps.  Sometimes the biggest impact can come from simply listening to yourself and sharing your truth.  The biggest impact comes from sharing your authentic self.  Souls recognize truth in another without saying a word.  When we are in alignment with our own purpose, there is no better feeling, and that truth flows freely into the world.  That is what makes an impact.

Getting Back on Track

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“I feel my way into faith one step at a time” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  One aspect of my faith that has never wavered is my ability to believe in signs.  When I receive a particular response to an emotion or to a question, I DO listen.  For all of my stubbornness, I am grateful that my heart recognizes guidance when it sees it and is wise enough to listen.

After the intense emotions of fear, anger, and failure over the last few days, I woke up this morning knowing that I had to recommit to belief…in something.  Even if it meant one small step and learning to do one thing at a time, as much as the mind is willing to move forward at full speed, my soul has been telling me it doesn’t work like that.  For someone as driven as me this feels incredibly limiting and frustrating.  I know I have the capacity to do all of the things I want to so when things get in the way to prevent them from happening, it’s hard to accept those limitations.

Drawing that card this morning is a strong affirmation that as much as we want to take leaps and bounds toward our goals, it is merely our ego that is in a hurry.  The soul knows what it needs to do and it knows in what time.  It amazes me how easy it was to fall back into the patterns of self-loathing and fear simply because a few things didn’t go according to plan.  No one is meant to feel like a failure—because there is nothing that we can truly fail at.

Having faith is as simple as reframing failure into redirection.  It was a challenge for me over the last few days to get my mind back in line.  That in itself was disappointing to me, but I think about a few months ago and how long that would have taken me previously to snap out of it.  In the grand scheme of things, a few days in a funk isn’t that bad for me.  And I’m proud I was able to get myself out of it.  It quite literally was one step at a time and recognizing that those emotions were not what I wanted to feel and I had to change that.  Everything is a choice and sometimes we have to slow down and look at where we are being guided.  Even if it wasn’t what we had in our minds, the plan laid out for us is often greater.  I’m making the choice to step into that—one step at a time.

Synchronicity-An Extra Post Tonight Because Signs Are Everywhere :)

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So after I just published that last piece, I drew another Gabby Bernstein Super Attractor card and it was “I can decide today to recalibrate my energy and commit to love and joy.”  I believe that this was a little nod from the universe saying that impatience is a choice and that I have to think long and hard about what my reactions are from now on.  The beautiful thing is that I can choose love and joy over impatience.  If the universe is powerful enough to create that kind of synchronicity, then that is something to pay attention to.

I mentioned feeling like a failure in the last piece and that is because I truly am hard on myself especially when I react negatively.  I feel it in my stomach as a lead pit every time I yell over something.  I feel out of control when I yell or when my emotions are so big I let them explode everywhere.  It makes me feel like a bad person.  I know I am human and we all do things we aren’t proud of.  So I guess I am lucky that this is something in my life that is entirely fixable.  It is very uncomfortable, but if I want to get to where I want to be, it is a process I need to go through.

This too is another practice—and practice I must.  I don’t want my child thinking I am some horrible monster or that he is worthless because I can’t handle his meltdowns and I yell.  I want to honor his personality and his creativity and let him know that he IS loved for who he is.  So I will use that as motivation for tonight, in addition to breathing, I am going to recalibrate my mind and focus on love.  Thank you, universe for the signs that we all have the power to make things better.  Any mindset can change as long as you are committed to changing it.  So, deep breath, deep love, and an open mind.  Here’s to recommitting to love and joy.

Patience

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One area that I have always struggled with is patience.  I am NOT a patient person.  That isn’t to say I’m not understanding of times when things happen, but I am absolutely all about getting it done and doing it as soon as possible.  My mind has operated under the premise that the goal is to accomplish the goal.  It isn’t to waste time doing other things—it’s to accomplish a task.  I’m not saying I felt like the task couldn’t be fun, but I did believe that I wanted it to get done so I could go onto the next thing.

The universe, in its infinite wisdom, sees fit to put me in situations that often feel like a test.  For example, people cutting me off constantly or driving under the speed limit, or me needing to work competing with my son needing attention.  My card today said I am patient knowing that whatever is of the highest good is coming to me—Gabby Bernstein.  I also had a conversation with one of my employees about patience as well.  I’m working on a project at work—a significant piece of work that is going to affect the direction of my entire department.  I keep facing a lot of delays and I’m concerned about some of the ideas that have either been turned down or changed.  The conversation with my employee turned into a discussion of how we have the right ideas, but it may not be the right time.  I have trouble accepting facts like that.

Now, again, the logical part of my brain knows that things like that happen all the time and that I should just learn to be calm and work with it.  The forward thinking, goal-driven, future oriented me struggles with this because I have specifically been charged with accomplishing a major change and moving forward, and I don’t understand why we let certain things get in the way.  Then I have put myself in the situation with two new animals in the house so I essentially have three toddlers.  My attention is spread thin and because I am so goal-oriented, I do feel like I should be able to do it all.  I hate not being able to be able to handle it all.

That is where I know I need to check my ego and listen.  No one is ever able to do it all no matter how capable.  This is self-inflicted chaos.  It is a challenge for me to learn to settle down and listen to what needs attention in the moment rather than working on what I want to be doing.  In all fairness to the human spirit, we ALL need to be allowed to work on the things that bring us joy every now and then.  We have to have that one thing that is solely for us and that makes us feel happy.

It’s especially challenging when dealing with people who also have engrained behaviors that will not change for any love or money and they fervently deny those behaviors.  I fell into a lot of anger today for various reasons.  I felt disappointment, concern, frustration, sadness and all of that was conveyed as anger.  Am I angry simply because I am impatient, or am I angry because the ego is impatient?

I struggle tonight because I feel like I failed as an employee, as a boss, as a wife, as a mother, and as a person.  I struggle because I have allowed my anger to steal many moments from me.  I realize that I behave as a petulant child at times.  Had I just taken the time to communicate my needs rather than stifle, and work, and accomplish, and drive, and burn the candle at every end, I may have enjoyed more.  I truly have resolved to work on this so I can appreciate the moments in front of me because, for as angry as I am, I am also well aware that they will be over all too soon.  I don’t want to look back on my life with regret.  I don’t want to feel like I missed out on what I had because I was so focused on what I wanted.  So for my own sense of peace, I am just going to breathe for now and know that tomorrow can be a better day.

When Your Partner is Having a Bad Day

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I came home tonight and could immediately tell something was off: my husband sat crabbily on the couch, the dog was in her kennel, the cats were scattered, and he didn’t want to talk about what to have for dinner.  He told me that the cats had been sick, the dog had peed in her cage and then pooped on the stairs.  My initial thought was simply to laugh it off—the same thing had happened to me so many times and he hadn’t been there to help me so while I understood the frustration of the situation, I didn’t have much sympathy.  He did handle it, but he was definitely stressed out about it.

I felt myself thinking how ridiculous it was that he got upset at all.  Again, this is something I deal with after working a full day and picking up my child as well.  In fact I’ve come home to find cat puke still waiting for me or I’ve woken up to huge piles of puke left in front of the door because he “didn’t see it.”  Now, regardless of what has happened before, I will give him credit that he did clean up the mess.  I was grateful for that opportunity for him to take a step in my shoes.  This is nothing new for mothers in particular: there are a million balls in the air every day and we are responsible for maintaining them all.  Coming home to find your house destroyed by animals is small potatoes.  Especially when it isn’t REALLY destroyed…just gross 😊

During the course of his detailing his saga, I realized that he sounded JUST LIKE ME.  I heard myself voicing the same complaints my husband did and it made me realize I didn’t want to be like that.  I want to be able to enjoy my life, not complain it away.  We chose to bring these animals into the house and we have to deal with life with animals.  We are fortunate enough to provide a home for our animals and our son.  It gets chaotic as someone ALWAYS needs attention, but that is what we brought upon ourselves.

I can’t say that I will ever feel sorry for my husband having to hold up his end of taking care of the animals in the house—it’s a mutual deal.  But I will definitely curb my knee-jerk reaction to frustration from now on.  Clearly I have allowed that in my home and that is something that I want to practice being more aware of from now on.  I want to make sure that we know what we are really reacting to: is it dog poo or is that you waited too long to take her out?  Am I really mad at my child’s caregiver for what she did or am I just mad at myself for not being able to be home with my child and raise him how I want to?  Is it my own insecurity?

Sometimes it takes hearing your words from someone else to realize what needs to change. I have been asking to be more authentically me, to have connection and I find that the universe is constantly bringing them to me.  I know my initial reaction to a lot of those things is anger, and in those moments of anger and frustration the universe is kind enough to bring that emotion to my attention and to let me sink into the realization that I asked to change-and that happens through being exposed to the situation.  It’s a practice and I am grateful.

Following Up on New Inspiration

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After yesterday’s struggle, I awoke trying to put myself in a better mood.  Today’s card was “The universe is always conspiring to support me, guide me, and lead me compassionately toward the highest good” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  I realized that the lessons I need to learn, even if I “fail” the first time around, are there to be just that: a lesson.  They aren’t there to make me a perpetually miserable person, they are there to help me elevate my game.

I watched a video from Marie Forleo and she spoke about always being on.  Specifically she spoke of recognizing that there are seasons and it isn’t possible to always be in bloom; we have to go with the flow, the changing of our own seasons as much of those in nature.  We are a part of nature and we need to go with what changes in our lives.  Constantly being in bloom will lead to burn out because we struggle to keep ourselves in a constant state of on with no chance for a recharge.

It’s ok to have the days we are down.  It’s important to recognize them as a need to reconnect with source and our purpose.  Everything is a lesson in trusting timing and going with the turns that come our way.  This resonated today, especially after feeling like a failure yesterday.  After that, I found another meme saying “Be patient with yourself, nothing in nature blooms all year.”  Yet another sign to trust in the changing of the seasons and that everything happens for a reason.  Evolution, change, even the changing of seasons can be a difficult thing to weather because there is always uncertainty to the outcome.  But as I think about it, there hasn’t been any circumstance that I have not gotten through.  No season, no change that I have not weathered.  Change takes time, and setting the expectation to always be perfect or always ready to adhere to your new mindset is unrealistic.

Trusting that the universe is always guiding us where we need to be and understanding that change is a natural, necessary, and inevitable part of life is a nice reminder to be gentle with ourselves.  To just allow—flow, not force.  I have learned to constantly adjust my mindset to break the cycles that have always been so familiar to me.  It’s still a difficult thing for me, to completely buy in because I have been taught self-doubt for so long and to lash out.  I will admit it is getting easier to believe and to read the signs and to trust.  Trusting that our path and everything that comes with it is a natural course of life, that you don’t need to see the end and just take the first step, that all is well in the world is a massive undertaking.  But we can do it with one small step at a time.  For me, it was understanding that failure can be reframed-and sometimes it takes MANY attempts to be comfortable with the layers exposed when we let the old fall away.  It’s ok to take the attempts—never give up.

Trying Some New Daily Inspiration

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“My ability to receive is measured by how much I practice good feeling thoughts”– Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  This was the card I drew this morning as my daily inspiration.  I awoke today at exactly 4:44AM and immediately felt a connection and I felt grateful for the synchronicity.  After yesterday, I felt an immediate sense of awe at the continued flow of connectedness.

My resolve and my connection quickly was tested.  As soon as I arrived to drop my son off, he began complaining about his stomach.  He was lethargic and I knew he was both hungry and had to go to the bathroom as he hadn’t eaten much the night before and he hadn’t gone to the bathroom the entire day previously (he has a known issue).  Immediately his caregiver said that I should stay with him and not go to work.  I sat with him and he seemed to perk up and he ate a little bit while I was with him so I went to work.  I called to check in on him several times in the morning and I was told that he was still not doing well and I should be with him.  My gut was that I WANTED to be with him but I knew he was ok and I had to work.

Against my judgement, I went to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in the house I could see that he was completely fine.  I immediately felt angry because I didn’t listen to my gut and I wasted time at work and I learned his caregiver fed him lunch at 10:30 in the morning—something that we had previously argued about as I never feed him that early and it makes him struggle in the afternoon.  I let it go because she said he was hungry and I knew that he probably WAS hungry because he hadn’t eaten for a while.  I got angry and felt like no decision I made was right.  I left in a huff and called my husband to complain.

I felt like a failure because I knew I reacted badly—I was completely out of control and out of connection.  I realized that the reason I felt so bad is because of my own insecurities.  I was listening to someone else’s judgement about what I should be doing and I did something I didn’t want to do.  I should have been strong enough to stand my ground and not leave work and trust that I was right—I knew what was wrong with my son and I didn’t need someone to tell me what needed to be done.

After some reflection, I am still not proud of my reaction, however, I am proud of my recovery.  I quickly realized that it was my insecurity and not this person making me feel terrible about my parenting decisions.  My boss had been supportive and knew that I was bothered by it and let me go check the situation for myself.  All of my anxiety about something being wrong with my son, about my boss being angry at me for having to leave work again, and my anger at myself for both not listening to my instinct and for wanting to work was all for nothing.  But I recognized what needed to be changed.  I was disappointed in myself but this failure was something that could be corrected.  So understanding that I am still able to reconnect helped me get back on track.  Sometimes it takes a few detours into “failure” to understand that we are still worthy and we are still good.  Sometimes we have to remember that we are always connected even if we take a few steps back but that we can always come back to our center and remember who we are.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for partnership.  My husband and I worked for hours today cleaning and organizing the house and my entire physical space OPENED up.  I felt such a deep connection to this man as we worked our way through mountains of old boxes, clothes, toys, electronics, and garbage because we were working toward the same goal: cleaning out the old and making way for the new.  We knew what had to go and we LET IT GO.

Today I am grateful for release.  Knowing that the things I am giving up creates a way for the new to enter my life and make it more of what it is meant to be is a beautiful sense of calming.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of how blessed I truly am.  Going through things that we no longer use and are now able to share and give to other people, made me open up and realize that parting with these things isn’t necessarily a sad moment, but a beautiful one.

Today I am grateful for my toddler’s constant reminders of the things he wants to do.  While we weren’t able to accommodate all of them, it was a nice moment to observe someone so connected and attuned to their desires and their ability to express them.  There is no need to send mixed signals or to hide what it is that we need; Speak your truth, your need into existence.  If what you think needs to happen doesn’t happen, look at what is going on around you and follow the signs that are being shown to you.

Today I am grateful for the ability to meal prep healthy, full meals for myself and my family.  I know I will have healthy breakfasts and lunches for the whole week.  I saved money by preparing rather than buying.  I saved myself a ton of time in the morning by not having to rush around and try to figure out what I’m eating for the day.

Today I am grateful to spend time working on what I really love doing and I am grateful for following my path.  I’m proud of the steps I’ve taken to create the life I want.  It feels surreal but the more action I take toward the life I want, the more I see it opening up.  The more I feel it opening up.  The more I feel myself becoming who I am meant to be.

Spiritual Guidance

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As I mentioned in my last article, I enjoy reading a lot of different spiritual texts and self-help texts as well as a lot of .  A new book by Gabby Bernstein came out at the end of September, Super Attractor, and initially I wasn’t planning on buying it right away.  Recently I heard that she also released a deck to go with it and for whatever reason I knew that I had to get the deck.  Her work on this deck included positive affirmations and other sayings to help bring out a sense of well-being and feeling good and it seemed so appropriate to my situation that it drew me in. As soon as I watched a video she released sharing readings from the deck, that solidified it for me.

So I went to the store and found the deck and came home to enjoy it.  Energy surrounded me as I opened the deck and anticipation ran through me.  I pulled my first card and it said “Believing in spiritual guidance gives me certainty and the freedom to keep dreaming even when I can’t see the result yet.”  My heart exploded.  I knew that I had been guided to get this deck in particular and that reading absolutely confirmed it.  The last few weeks I have stepped out of my comfort zone continually, trying to do something that I wouldn’t normally do on a daily basis.

Stepping out of my comfort zone and taking action in spite of not seeing the final result has opened up some amazing channels of energy.  The simple act of following intuition, recognizing you are connected to source energy, creates such a pervasive feeling of protection and calm.  The feeling that everything is right, to me, feels like my shoulders relax, my jaw and neck relax, I smile more, I laugh more, I am more productive, I am more creative.    It’s a state of allowing that opens up your entire world to the life you were meant to live.  It’s the acceptance that the universe will take you exactly where you need to be.

Connecting With Authentic Self

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I’ve lived a big chunk of my life being a pleaser, believing my needs weren’t as important as other’s needs.  I believed that it wasn’t right to go after the things I wanted.  I believed that the things I wanted would only come to me if they were meant and I added the idea that “meant to” meant that I had to suffer for it.  That started a vicious cycle of turning down opportunities thinking that it would come back to me in the future.  In hindsight I know that I should have jumped over any opportunity that came my way and that I didn’t need to hurt myself to get what I wanted.

As I progress through this journey of self-discovery and self-appreciation, I continue to awaken to the things that feel right in my life, the things that make me come alive.  I find that I have no desire to people please any longer and that I am not interested in being submissive or quite and waiting for directions from people NOT living my life.  I want open, energetic, free-flowing ideas, expression, passion, working on MY dreams, MY purpose.  The simple truth is that I’ve grown beyond the behaviors that kept me safe.  Those behaviors may have made some people look favorably at me, but it didn’t bring me the joy that I know exists in this life.  I don’t want to be the dutiful respondent—I am the universe in a tiny package, I have a gift to share.

I’m learning to accept my imperfections as perfect and understand that I can still live my life just as I am now—I don’t need to meet some arbitrary standard of perfection in order to be worthy of what I want—I am worthy now.  As we ALL are.  I am aligning with my gifts and ready to experience everything meant for me and just enjoying my life.  I’m a fire cracker, high energy, feisty, passionate, loving and fierce, devoted and protective.

I’ve realized there is no reason to live in someone else’s bubble idea of who I’m supposed to be.  I did well in the box.  I excelled in the box, doing exactly what I was told.  I will do what you give me to do and I will do it well.  But I don’t THRIVE in the box.  I need air, sun, water, earth, I need to stretch my limbs to the cosmos because my limits aren’t here.  I’m here to elevate others and make people think, break down what you thought you had to do and start a new way of being.  I don’t fit in the box any longer and I used to shove myself into the furthest, darkest corner to make room for others.  It made my mind like a caged animal.

Now I’m making this about experience.  I’m focused on how cool it is to exist rather than lamenting it.  Being who I really am allows me to enjoy and be a better version of myself.  That is when my talents shine through and that is when I am at my best.  The façade I so carefully created is breaking away and I couldn’t be happier.