One area that I have always struggled with is patience. I am NOT a patient person. That isn’t to say I’m not understanding of times when things happen, but I am absolutely all about getting it done and doing it as soon as possible. My mind has operated under the premise that the goal is to accomplish the goal. It isn’t to waste time doing other things—it’s to accomplish a task. I’m not saying I felt like the task couldn’t be fun, but I did believe that I wanted it to get done so I could go onto the next thing.
The universe, in its infinite wisdom, sees fit to put me in situations that often feel like a test. For example, people cutting me off constantly or driving under the speed limit, or me needing to work competing with my son needing attention. My card today said I am patient knowing that whatever is of the highest good is coming to me—Gabby Bernstein. I also had a conversation with one of my employees about patience as well. I’m working on a project at work—a significant piece of work that is going to affect the direction of my entire department. I keep facing a lot of delays and I’m concerned about some of the ideas that have either been turned down or changed. The conversation with my employee turned into a discussion of how we have the right ideas, but it may not be the right time. I have trouble accepting facts like that.
Now, again, the logical part of my brain knows that things like that happen all the time and that I should just learn to be calm and work with it. The forward thinking, goal-driven, future oriented me struggles with this because I have specifically been charged with accomplishing a major change and moving forward, and I don’t understand why we let certain things get in the way. Then I have put myself in the situation with two new animals in the house so I essentially have three toddlers. My attention is spread thin and because I am so goal-oriented, I do feel like I should be able to do it all. I hate not being able to be able to handle it all.
That is where I know I need to check my ego and listen. No one is ever able to do it all no matter how capable. This is self-inflicted chaos. It is a challenge for me to learn to settle down and listen to what needs attention in the moment rather than working on what I want to be doing. In all fairness to the human spirit, we ALL need to be allowed to work on the things that bring us joy every now and then. We have to have that one thing that is solely for us and that makes us feel happy.
It’s especially challenging when dealing with people who also have engrained behaviors that will not change for any love or money and they fervently deny those behaviors. I fell into a lot of anger today for various reasons. I felt disappointment, concern, frustration, sadness and all of that was conveyed as anger. Am I angry simply because I am impatient, or am I angry because the ego is impatient?
I struggle tonight because I feel like I failed as an employee, as a boss, as a wife, as a mother, and as a person. I struggle because I have allowed my anger to steal many moments from me. I realize that I behave as a petulant child at times. Had I just taken the time to communicate my needs rather than stifle, and work, and accomplish, and drive, and burn the candle at every end, I may have enjoyed more. I truly have resolved to work on this so I can appreciate the moments in front of me because, for as angry as I am, I am also well aware that they will be over all too soon. I don’t want to look back on my life with regret. I don’t want to feel like I missed out on what I had because I was so focused on what I wanted. So for my own sense of peace, I am just going to breathe for now and know that tomorrow can be a better day.