“My ability to receive is measured by how much I practice good feeling thoughts”– Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck. This was the card I drew this morning as my daily inspiration. I awoke today at exactly 4:44AM and immediately felt a connection and I felt grateful for the synchronicity. After yesterday, I felt an immediate sense of awe at the continued flow of connectedness.
My resolve and my connection quickly was tested. As soon as I arrived to drop my son off, he began complaining about his stomach. He was lethargic and I knew he was both hungry and had to go to the bathroom as he hadn’t eaten much the night before and he hadn’t gone to the bathroom the entire day previously (he has a known issue). Immediately his caregiver said that I should stay with him and not go to work. I sat with him and he seemed to perk up and he ate a little bit while I was with him so I went to work. I called to check in on him several times in the morning and I was told that he was still not doing well and I should be with him. My gut was that I WANTED to be with him but I knew he was ok and I had to work.
Against my judgement, I went to go pick him up and as soon as I walked in the house I could see that he was completely fine. I immediately felt angry because I didn’t listen to my gut and I wasted time at work and I learned his caregiver fed him lunch at 10:30 in the morning—something that we had previously argued about as I never feed him that early and it makes him struggle in the afternoon. I let it go because she said he was hungry and I knew that he probably WAS hungry because he hadn’t eaten for a while. I got angry and felt like no decision I made was right. I left in a huff and called my husband to complain.
I felt like a failure because I knew I reacted badly—I was completely out of control and out of connection. I realized that the reason I felt so bad is because of my own insecurities. I was listening to someone else’s judgement about what I should be doing and I did something I didn’t want to do. I should have been strong enough to stand my ground and not leave work and trust that I was right—I knew what was wrong with my son and I didn’t need someone to tell me what needed to be done.
After some reflection, I am still not proud of my reaction, however, I am proud of my recovery. I quickly realized that it was my insecurity and not this person making me feel terrible about my parenting decisions. My boss had been supportive and knew that I was bothered by it and let me go check the situation for myself. All of my anxiety about something being wrong with my son, about my boss being angry at me for having to leave work again, and my anger at myself for both not listening to my instinct and for wanting to work was all for nothing. But I recognized what needed to be changed. I was disappointed in myself but this failure was something that could be corrected. So understanding that I am still able to reconnect helped me get back on track. Sometimes it takes a few detours into “failure” to understand that we are still worthy and we are still good. Sometimes we have to remember that we are always connected even if we take a few steps back but that we can always come back to our center and remember who we are.