“This is no longer the story of you trying to prove them wrong.  From now on this is the story of you choosing to let them believe what they want to believe about you.  From now on this is the story of you choosing your resonance regardless of how they perceive it,” Xavier Dagba.  We’ve talked many times on the immense power that comes from owning our identity.  When we know who we are, it is no longer about proving anything to anyone.  It’s about simply taking the steps you need on your own path and seeing how things naturally unfold.  We can’t waste our time trying to prove to others that our way is the right way.  Number one, it may NOT be the right way for them.  Our paths are for us.  Number two, those who are meant to be with us will never leave us. 

We can’t spend our lives waiting for everyone to see our point of view.  That will never happen.  When you intentionally put the pause on your life waiting for someone else’s acceptance you’ve given them control and you will wait there believing you have the upper hand when really there is nothing to gain and only time wasted.  Our stories are always about us.  They are always about finding our path and living the fullest expression of who we are.  It’s about accepting and understanding that, more often than not, there is no right or wrong.  It’s all so subjective on our experience and who we are. People will do what is right for THEM.  Allow yourself to do the same.  That isn’t to say disregard people and their needs, but it is to say follow the beat of your own drum rather than someone else’s.

When we accept our own rhythm and our own needs and abilities, we become something different.  We move differently and we operate from a different space.  It isn’t about other’s acceptance, it’s always been about accepting ourselves.  There is genuine power there.  Proving gives the illusion of strength while we are in it and it feels like we’ve won the fight, but we’ve wasted energy that could have been spent building our own path.  With time you learn that what people think of you has such a little impact on your life.  It is 100% possible to live our lives without ever knowing what other people think of us.  The truth is the vast majority of people will never know who we are anyway.  Don’t waste your time trying to be something you’re not or trying to make people see it your way.  Their experiences define them just as yours define you.  Allow.  Then you will attract your path naturally and authentically.  That’s all that’s required in this life.      

Those who love to walk will go further than those who love the destination. I wrote a piece a long time ago about not understanding those who become swayed on their journey and don’t just go for the goal.  I believe I shared my experience reading a story about someone who wanted to go to a museum but they stopped to look at all of the shops and stores in between so her husband got mad because they were supposed to go to the museum and she made them miss it.  She said that she learned to see the joy in the detours.  That story made me so frustrated while reading it.  I’ve ALWAYS been that person who if we say we’re going somewhere, that’s where we’re going.  We aren’t getting stopped or distracted, we have a goal, a destination so let’s get there and enjoy what we said we were going to do.  If we miss what we said we are going to do, then what was the point in planning anything ever anyway?  In general life doesn’t work like that either.  If you want something then you have to set your intention and do the things that make it happen.  You can’t say you want to go to Bali and book a trip to Florida and expect to get to Bali—that isn’t reality.

There is value, however in practicing and understanding flexibility.  The HOW we get there isn’t that important if we are headed in the same direction.  That is key.  When you set your intention and start on your journey, it isn’t about the how you get there.  I just struggle with people who are given the right opportunity to get exactly where they need to be and they ignore it and then blame whatever happened on something else.  I struggle with the matter of choice in that people can always choose to do something differently—we do have some modicum of control in deciding what happens to us—but if they don’t do what they know they need to do, they try to blame others.  So, like, if you wanted to get to that museum but you stopped at every other place BUT the museum and you missed an opportunity to get there, that isn’t the museum’s fault.  That isn’t the universe saying you weren’t meant to see the museum. 

At the same time I understand that we are meant to explore and learn and incorporate new lessons.  Those who love learning will see opportunities others don’t.  They will see possibilities in situations others don’t.  Loving walking will take you endlessly further than those who simply want to get to a place and call it quits.  When you love the activity itself you can keep yourself motivated to moving forward.  Sometimes there are not goals in those circumstances, you simply have a direction and you have no idea how far it will go.  That is a pretty cool concept.  If you have no limit to how far you can go, there will be some amazing opportunities along that path simply because you enjoy the act of walking that path. 

Maybe there is a middle ground at the end of the day.  There is a time for focused and driven action and there is a time for enjoying the journey.  There’s a time for deliberate and stubborn focus and there is a time to take our hands off the wheel.  I’ve had a steep learning curve in regards to control and I’ve learned that sometimes things you think protect you and habits you develop that you mistake for who you are become things others see as too controlling.  Awareness is key.  The same is said for your path.  If you struggle to move forward make sure it isn’t because your feet are stubbornly dug into the ground making things look a certain way.  Sometimes you have to take in what’s around you and, as Tabitha Brown says, “You can’t skip any steps because you need a strong foundation.  Just because it’s taking a long time doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.”  Enjoy the process of building that foundation, learning the lessons required, and taking the journey further than you think it can go.    

I created an unrealistic expectation in my relationship years ago.  Maybe more than one if I’m honest.  Fine, a ton of expectations.  I romanticized a lot as a child and I had this dream vision of what my partner would be like, what he would do.  It functioned with a combination of a princess being rescued and being the light in the dark for a guy who in turn wants to do everything for me.  I wanted to be the tough independent woman who didn’t NEED a man, but then realized she wanted a partner and he would be the guy to make me realize that everyone deserves a chance. Again, it started when I was young so I will give myself some leeway.  Reality, as we know, is very different.  Not in a bad way by any means, but reality gives us what we need, not what we want, and that shapes us into who we are meant to be.  That impacts our choice of partner as well as the partner we attract. 

I’ve been thinking long and hard over my relationship.  I’ve been with this man for over two decades now.  We’ve been together longer than we were alive when we met.  We’ve been through the gamut and I’ve stuck with him and he has stuck with me—and I started to ask why.  Comfort? Familiarity?  Real love?  Was I holding on to the hope of something all this time? Well, the truth is layered and complicated.  I had such unrealistic expectations that simply aren’t my husband and it created a rift.  While I know he was capable of those things, he was missing the “wanting to be/do that” part.  It was even worse with each actual transgression he committed.  I kept hoping after each incident that he would learn and change and see things my way.  I thought I was owed something for what he did to me, for what he did to us, to our family.  I was still looking for him to validate what he felt and to prove to me that he knew MY worth by shaping his actions and making better choices. 

But the universe gives us what we need.  I got a man who taught me that I am not a princess, that I need to remember my own worth, and that I am capable.  I thought I would learn those lessons through supportive talk and shared experiences.  Instead I learned them through frustration and heartbreak and necessity, and more time alone that I wanted in a relationship.  But I learned that I can carry my own bag.  I wanted to be the woman who didn’t need a partner, and I got someone who taught me that.  Yes, we all need help at times, but we can’t expect a partner to carry our way through and we can’t carry them.  I expected my husband to do that for me because of the things he had done, like some penance.  But it gets too heavy and it creates an uneven relationship for each other and around expectation in general.  Like, I carried you, now you carry me.  And that was exactly what I did to him.         

I was never helpless, I was angry and hurt for a long time.  And in learning to love myself, I developed this understanding about projection and expectation which is what we talked about yesterday.  No amount of loving him will show him how to love me and it will never make him love me if those feelings don’t genuinely exist already.  The reality is relationships fluctuate and change and grow or they collapse depending on the growth of the people involved.  That is why it’s key to know who we are and to learn to be whole in ourselves before we enter a relationship with someone else.  A partner isn’t meant to fill our gaps to make us whole, partners are meant to complement who we are and we work toward something together.  But we need to be able to hold our own on our own first.  Once we can carry our own bag, things get a little easier.

Today I am grateful for help.  There is so much in this world we take on alone.  Just because we logically know something, just because we know we are capable, doesn’t mean we have the capacity to do it.  It doesn’t mean that will be at the front of our minds every day.  We all need help.  Even though we all have infinite power and capabilities, we don’t have the capacity to do it all at once.  We all need someone to remind us to keep perspective and to take things one step at a time.  We can’t do it all at once nor do we really want to, if we are honest with ourselves.  We feel we only have ourselves to rely on, and that may be true in some cases, but we always have the option to reach out. 

Today I am grateful for joy.  I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by the commitments that we have coming up over the holiday season. It’s coinciding with a lot of end of year activity at work as well as projects for my son and I’m not quite where I want to be in the scheme of things.  But I am grateful to remember that even though I have a ton of things to do, they are all things I do with joy.  They are things I love doing.  Yes, it can still feel like too much, but I still hear the song while I’m working.  I’m still seeing and feeling the joy of doing what I do.  That is reason enough to keep going. 

Today I am grateful to have the ability to bring joy to others.  Part of why I do what I do is because I thoroughly enjoy seeing other people happy.  I love seeing their excitement and wonder at what I’ve created.  I love witnessing the feeling that I brought back some of their happy memories as we are making our own new memories.  I am grateful to have the capacity to do those things and to experience joy myself.  I love that my message is received and that I’ve done this work with love.  As stressful as it can be, as much pressure as I put on myself, it is literally always worth it.  Time is precious and you never know when life happens, so taking the time to bring a little magic to the world creates a beautiful memory and spreads some happiness and light in a sometimes dark world.

Today I am grateful for expressions of love.  Life is never a straight line.  Even when you think you know someone, there is always something that takes us by surprise.  A few months ago I wasn’t sure which direction life was going for us.  A few weeks ago I nearly lost my mind, I was emotionally drained, and I felt like I was at rock bottom.  I had to learn how to take care of myself in a new way.  Today I spent time with my husband and son and my aunt and uncle, doing some reminiscing and exchanging stories.  We took an old Christmas tree off their hands and spent the rest of the afternoon setting it up.  My husband normally lets me do all of the decorating on my own—I know it overwhelms him to a degree.  Today he helped me and, for him, I know that is showing me he loves me. 

Today I am grateful for this moment of flow.  It’s later than normal, I’m still going for the evening, I still have to make dinner, but I’m doing ok.  I got some wonderful advice today which was prioritize what needs to be done now.  There is no possible way to do it all at once so take care of what needs to be done in this moment.  So that is where I’m at now.  I’m taking things one step at a time and taking care of what’s in front of me.  All will get done as it needs to.  There is plenty of time to get it all done—and there is time for what doesn’t get done now.  All is well.  So stay here and enjoy this moment.

Today I am grateful for being ok.  I’ve been waiting for that grand moment when all of life clicks together and all makes sense in the world.  I’ve been heading in the best direction I know trying to get to where I think I can flourish and there are some days it feels like I’m treading water.  And that is ok.  I spoke the other day about being goal oriented and my frustration with getting side tracked and not accomplishing or getting where I want to be.  But the reality is once we achieve all of those goals, what’s left?  We can’t spend all of our time stagnant and reliving the glory days.  We can’t spend our time projecting into the future, living in fear.  All we have is now, and now is ok.  If we are breathing, have a roof over our heads, water, food, clothing, if we can take one step forward—we are ok for now and that is enough. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

No amount of loving him is going to make him love me.  No amount of loving him is going to make him love me HOW I need to be loved.  I realized this in deep self-work.  I lacked so much love for myself I demanded it from my partner.  I took everything he did as either a validation of his love for me or a slight on who I am.  I gave so much love and made so many allowances for his transgressions and slights that I expected the same from him and thought I was offering love.  There is unconditional love but that doesn’t mean unconditional acceptance.  When you are the sacrifice for another person, that isn’t who you need to be with.  We all deserve love and respect.  Unfortunately, we can’t make people love or respect us.  When that happens, we need to be strong enough to walk away instead of making allowances.  It’s hard.

In dealing with control issues, we learn to think that we can make other people feel or behave a certain way.  We think if we treat them how we want to be treated we are teaching them what the “right” thing to do is and how to behave.  The reality is all that’s doing is pissing people off and making them see our controlling behaviors and creating resentment.  Now, if someone is intentionally not meeting our expectations or a mutually agreed upon expectation, then that speaks to their character.  But if we don’t have clear definitions of what our “absolutes” are, then the other person isn’t likely intentionally hurting us.  I fought for things my partner didn’t know I was fighting for.  I did it to try and make him love me, to make him see that he had something valuable in me.  All he saw was my disappointment any time something didn’t work out how I expected it to.  That was never my intention.  That was an overwhelmed and overworked nervous system creating issues that didn’t exist.

But the real point is that we have to learn to supply love for ourselves before we can demand it of other people.  We have to learn what love really means and how to give it freely before we demand it of other people.  Love is an inside job before it comes from the outside.  Eventually we have so much love it simply flows from us.  We exude it instead of consume it.  We learn to sustain ourselves and to share what we have at the same time.  We shift from need and desperation to a desire and ability to do it for ourselves.  It starts with building our own foundation first rather than expecting someone to hold us up.  What happens if they had a shaky foundation to begin with? They can’t offer what we need. So learn to give for yourself, learn to do for yourself.  That is where the fulfillment comes from.  That is where we build the lives we are looking for.  Love ourselves first.      

“Your presence is not found in what you do.  It is found in the natural frequency of being fully you,” Ashmi Path.  So appropriate to follow our discussion on magic of the soul, magic of healing.  It isn’t to tout the greatness of being female, it’s about reclaiming what we were told to forget.  Ashmi’s message is about remembering self and honoring who we are seems more for women.  Too often we sacrifice ourselves for something else, namely to be accepted by something or someone.  I’m not discounting the human need to be accepted, but we need to be more discerning in whose acceptance we seek.  When we are fully who we are, that is an energy that can’t be faked or replaced.  It feels natural and life truly flows.

I think women willingly give up who they are because they are attempting to keep the peace.  They are attempting to keep the perceived safety alive, the perceived order.  Women can’t show weakness any more than men can, it just looks different on a woman.  The irony comes when we show vulnerability, we are automatically labeled weak or emotional.  It’s still the double standard where we are supposed to have it all and that means doing it all.  We are meant to support each other and that means getting in touch with that vulnerability.  Women are here to remind us of that but we are taught to forget it for the sake of proving we are worthy and capable.  The message isn’t to show that we can’t do it, just that we at least have the opportunity.  That doesn’t make us emotional wrecks.  It makes us humans who need to be validated as any other human.

I would like to add that sometimes it IS what we do.  When we align with who we are we naturally do the things that we love.  We find that our purpose and identity align.  We don’t have to do things for others, to make others happy, or to meet other’s expectations—because that isn’t the presence we are talking about.  That’s a temporary high of approval from others and we are always looking for the next hit.  When we align with our true selves, presence comes naturally and who we are follows.  The things we want to do follow.  The purpose follows. We are all capable of great things and we are meant to be.  We don’t have to be great at everything to be considered worthy-we just need to be greatly who we are.  Allow that out and watch your life change.

I want to appreciate all the magical healers out there—which is all of us. As I continue to do the self-work (which never ends) and healing both mine and my ancestral wounds, as I embrace myself and learn love again, I feel the magic.  I feel the power we are meant to have that the world wants us to forget.  I feel the connection with things other people don’t understand.  There is something uniquely divine in owing our identity.  It’s the magic of creation, taking the pieces and putting them together, of feeling our way into this life.  Navigating the world connected to the stars with our feet on the ground and our hair in the wind. 

Being knocked down hard over the last few weeks has shown me a new appreciation for what I’m able to do.  I’m still learning myself because walking around without my armor takes some practice.  But I see now that I’ve been living with a and tied behind my back.  The armor isn’t doing a damn bit of good anymore and it’s far too heavy to carry.  So I turn inward and learn to be a bit more gentle with myself.  It’s no longer about controlling the outcome, it’s about recognizing how I genuinely feel.  it’s about remembering all I fought to dismiss.  The things people told me made me too much, the things they told me weren’t enough. Fuck that and fuck them.  This isn’t about their approval any longer because I’ve wasted enough time dancing to their beat only to be told that’s not the song they’re playing today.

So I appreciate my own rhythm, my own magic and I love my life a little more every day. There is no worry worth carrying or any sacrifice of self that will make up for what we can do ourselves.  The world is afraid of that.  Sometimes we’re afraid of that too.  But when we step into who we are, it doesn’t matter what anything on the outside says.  We are who we are for a reason.  We are meant to be that and no one else.  Sometimes people see the wishy washy version of who we are, the façade, and they do things that force us to break through again.  As long as they don’t break us, then allow it to happen.  We can take that dark moment and allow it to be a breakthrough.  Love your magic and remember you know how to turn dark into light, mess into magic, and make pieces whole again.  That is your gift.

“You don’t need to be perfect to be included at the table,” Erin Janoso.  This lesson, this reminder about knowing our worth is key.  There is a genuine wholeness you feel when you love yourself.  It’s far easier than carrying around that weight I mentioned yesterday.  We pretend that protecting ourselves is enough when we are desperately searching for a way to be seen.  It’s scary to think about letting pieces of you out that you never shared before.  Sometimes we keep them hidden for so long that we aren’t even sure how to behave with them.  We don’t know how that feels.  Sometimes navigating life feels a lot like learning to ride a bicycle or learning to walk.  We’re always wobbly at first.  It takes a lot to take those first steps or spin on those wheels with confidence.  So too is wearing and sharing our authentic identity.

I made the mistake a long time ago of thinking sharing an authentic identity meant sharing every detail of my life.  Depending on the audience and the purpose, it’s necessary, but not every person needs to know everything all the time.  I thought over-sharing was a display of confidence and now I see it’s a trauma response.  I was so hoping to be accepted that I would create a situation where I would be rejected before I even knew someone or they knew me.  Sometimes it sticks, but people don’t want to start a friendship with anyone where they need to be your therapist. 

The other side of this is knowing our worth and knowing how to provide that love for yourself instead of demanding it from others.  When we see our own value, we are less likely to need that level of attention and support from people.  We have to know that we are worthy and perfection has little to do with that worth.  We are here to share our gifts and supply more light to the world, to ignite that light in other people.  When we know our worth we feel complete.  Yes, the other side of this means accepting that not everyone will accept us—and that is ok.  We aren’t meant to be everyone’s cup of tea.  We are meant to be ourselves and find our group and do the work meant for us.  We can still find a way to be included by knowing where we belong.  And we first belong to ourselves. 

When we find ourselves at a table that no longer serves the nourishment we need, we also need to have the strength to walk away.  We need to know when things are no longer good enough for us and that we can walk away.  We don’t take our sustenance or our light from the outside—we are enough as we are.  If the table doesn’t work, we are allowed to walk away.  It’s nice to be included, but if that means wearing that 1000 pound mask to make people happy, then it isn’t worth it.  Put it down and pick up the mantle of who we are.  Stability comes with genuine identity.  That comes from knowing who we are and we know who we are when we allow ourselves to experience life and figure out what we enjoy, what works for us, and what feels right.  It’s never about perfection, it’s about finding self.  Explore, move, be authentic.  Love your life and drop the shield. 

“Sometimes your future can’t fit in because you’re holding on to too much of your past,” Lisa Nichols.  There is no need to ask if you fit in the story when you become the author of your story, who you are is waiting to be born.  This is just a quick reminder to fully embrace where you are and welcome the life you are meant to have.  I operated from the belief that I couldn’t move forward until things looked a certain way or until certain events happened that “allowed” me to pass go so to speak.  Those things never happened.  The apologies never came.  The restart never happened.  The opportunity passed.  The clarity never came.  The new point of view was so foggy.  I see now that had more to do with wanting things to be a certain way than them actually being a certain way. 

Sometimes we have to move forward without the apology.  Without the closure we thought we would get.  Sometimes we have to close the door while things are still being said.  Sometimes the outlook changes in a second and that shifts our future in ways we didn’t think.  We aren’t meant to be mind readers and we aren’t meant to control every facet of what comes our way.  Life just doesn’t work that way.  We need to reconcile where we are at all times.  The past happens for a reason and that is often a lesson.  It may not be what we thought it would be, but it is what happened and the sooner we can make peace with that and get our bearings, the sooner we can step into the opportunities really meant for us.  A whole new world of possibility opens up.

I’ve been going through another bout of depression since the argument with my husband I mentioned a few weeks ago.  There are things that gnawed at me, played in my head repeatedly because I fixate on everything and I analyze the words until I can’t break them down anymore.  Then there are some things that were said that simply changed things between us.  Those are the things that clung like a 1000 pound weight to my face and dragged me down.  I couldn’t breathe.  Even in the aftermath of the fight itself when I started to sort through the rubble, I replayed those words and knew I would be thinking of them for a long time.  They were weapons and they were chosen, aimed, and deadly—and they hit their mark.  People can say they are sorry, but in every heated moment, there is the possibility of some truth that comes out, so even during “reconstruction” you ask if there is still some truth to it.  It doesn’t go away.

While the words hurt and certainly changed things between us, I had a decision to make.  I wasn’t exaggerating when I said my world fell apart.  I had no clue who I needed to be in those moments after the words were said.  I had no footing, no bearing in my life and I felt that way for a while.  I knew I didn’t want to be in that position again.  I knew I needed help and that anything I did wasn’t about my husband—the next steps were about me.  They were about looking forward and making the choice to do something different, to take control of my life rather than control everything around me.  That’s a novel approach.  Immediately discomfort washed over me.  How do I function, how do I lead without setting expectations and having people follow them?  How do we get what we want out of life if we don’t do what we are “supposed” to do?  What do we tolerate and allow as far as straying from the path before we need to walk away without it becoming a control thing?

As it would happen, when I felt I was at my lowest and ready to give up, I came across some posts from a few people I follow.  One of them is an inspirational leader and she happened to be re-hashing the story of how she started doing what she was doing.  She shared that she had just finished grad school and was out of work.  She had moved to another state with her husband and couldn’t find anything.  She shared how she needed to go to the deepest parts of herself to heal and work through the fear she experienced at being relatively alone with no way to support herself.  She had to learn to take care of herself in order to move forward.  She learned to share her healing with others and it started a business for her and she said that it was in her “dark night of the soul” where she learned all the skills she needed to move forward successfully.  I started thinking about the argument I had with my husband and the things he said.  Yes, they were hurtful but was there a reason behind them?  What and who had I become? 

When someone you’ve been with for over two decades starts saying things they’ve never said before, you have to examine the whole situation.  I realized I was in my dark night of the soul.  Lost, confused, and alone.  I was acting completely out of alignment with my values and who I am and I began to see glimmers of the frustration my husband had and why.  I wish he was able to see the same from my perspective, however, I know now I have no say in that, no control.  This had to be about me and learning to redirect my focus inward.  I have to learn to love myself again.  It’s time to complete the past and give up on “how it’s supposed to be” and fully embrace the present.  Fully embrace building the new rather than “correcting” or rehashing the past.  What’s gone is gone and done is done so take the pieces you have and focus on building the new.  Focus on what feels good.     

I was uncomfortable so I controlled.  Now I’m learning to be me so I allow.  Unleash the authentic me.  It’s amazing how we create these facades to protect ourselves and we integrate them so deeply we confuse that image with our identity.  Ironically what we use to protect ourselves is so far from who we are and it gets so heavy that holding it becomes impossible—but so is putting it down.  We can’t be vulnerable.  I did the same within my own family.  I wanted things to look a certain way and that control was about protecting myself.  THAT is what I need to work on.  At my core I’m a deeply fun-loving person with a wicked sense of humor and I see the possibilities.  I just have to allow.  Release the fear.  So while the initial argument took me for a spin, I know more about who I am.  My dark night showed me the light—the light from within.  The bottom becomes the beginning.