Love, Love, Love it All

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I woke up thinking about self-care today, specifically taking care of my body.  I’ve been seeking comfort in the activities I’ve been choosing, trying to cope with the chaos around me.  No matter what I’ve done, I’ve felt tired.  And it finally dawned on me: this is more than just physical exhaustion, it’s mental exhaustion.  Exhaustion to the point of confusion, no clarity.  I find myself aimlessly trying to fill my day rather than being productive.  So I have to stop and go back to a point where I am not as overwhelmed. 

I have tortured my body, spun myself in circles never really achieving any kind of energetic release.  I have said horrible things about myself. I have drawn blades through my flesh.  I drank myself stupid.  I swallowed pills.  I tried to kill you.  I wanted the hurt to go away but I never realized it was my soul looking for something. 

Tonight I change the story.  I let the water flow over me, cleansing in its own right.  I feel the weight of my body.  The number used to bother me.  Now I know it just means I’m alive.  I’m connected to the earth by my weight. 

My frustration and angst were mainly self-induced.  I deserved more.  But I thought it made me arrogant to demand more.  I thought lax boundaries made me likeable.  It drained me dry.  I deserved more.  I expected others to give what I gave.  I deserved more—even if I had to give it to myself.  So now I wake up. 

It’s ok to love—and necessary to love myself.  It shows others how to love.  I have the ability to turn everything around.  It’s all about choice.  I can change the story—by loving myself.  Small miracles every day.  New brave choices every day.  Relaxing into life and letting what is meant to happen, happen. 

As fall hits, I am shedding and releasing and creating space for self-care, creativity, and dreaming.  What I’ve done to myself was misdirected energy.  I can’t change anyone else but I can work on myself.  There is freedom in mental clarity.  Rachel Hollis says, “Make peace with the fact that you don’t know what the future will bring.”  All we can do is direct our energy according to what works for us.  So live in awareness and be present—I am trying every day. 

This means learning to be comfortable with the person staring back in the mirror.  I will no longer squander the beauty of my life: my mind, my body, my soul.  I am loving I all.  Sometimes that’s letting things fall apart rather than clinging.  Believe in the magic of not giving up.  The magic of little things. The magic of existing. 

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