Gabby Bernstein asked, “What does it mean to Level Up?”  The reality is that we don’t have a clue what this life is really about.  Sometimes that’s scary.  We don’t know what to make of it, we don’t know what to do, we pretend that there may be some standard we have to live up to in order to prove our worth. 

The good news is that if we can buy into all of that crap for as long as we have, then we can learn new ways to think.  I’ve been reading a lot lately about unlearning in place of learning something new.  There is a certain liberation that comes when you understand that you can let go of things at any time.  physical things, emotions, patterns, beliefs.  I don’t think we take enough time to consider the weight of what we carry.  We take on everything that comes before us, we have to process it, we have to make a judgement of it in order to make it fit, and we have to integrate our own learnings.

In order to do that, you need to get comfortable with yourself on every level.  Accepting who you are in spite of anything anyone told you.  The way you look, the way you think and identifying those parts of yourself that don’t belong to you.   

So many of the habits and thought patterns we have aren’t even ours.  We are immediately indoctrinated into a system of what we are supposed to do.  We go to school to learn what everyone else is learning and we are supposed to give up our sense of autonomy in order to be “accepted.”  Leveling up means giving up that forced sense of homogeny and opening up to our autonomy.  I’m not talking about giving up all social norms or interaction with society—but I am talking about giving up the idea that you need to blend.

To me, that is the definition of leveling up.  Full, radical acceptance of self is leveling up.  Boundless confidence and recognizing our limitlessness is leveling up.  Taking chances on things that light us up is leveling up.  Making moves to change your situation is leveling up.  Anything that makes you feel better or peels back the layers, anything that makes you feel free is leveling up.

It doesn’t matter if we don’t know exactly what comes next or what the point of all this mess we call life is.  There is no competition—all of that is a man-made construct in our imagined fight for created power.  All we can do is what feels right and learn to let go of the systems that have been designed to benefit the few and keep us locked in place for a millennia.  Get better for yourself.  Do better for yourself.  Create better for yourself.  That is what will get you to the next level.

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy,” Rumi.  There is a feeling of immense relief when you’re in alignment.  There is no rushing, no filling of time, no catching up—there is just a prescient movement between what needs to be done.  The doing becomes effortless and intuitive.  There is a comfortable sense of inevitability as if you’re moving toward the goal, into that connection in the delta between your being and the universe.

I found myself feeling confused about the point of what we do in this world the other day.  This universe is so big, so expansive and I felt my smallness but I also feel how powerful we are.  Honestly, I felt conflicted because I feel such a strong sense of ownership in connection with source that I believe with all of my soul that we are capable of anything.  But the universe is so big that I see how small our impact may be.  The reality is we are all little atomic blips on a course we have little say over.  But connecting with authentic power puts us in a position where magic can really happen.

There is a significant difference in egoic power versus authentic power.  It is the difference between aligning with the flow and being swept away.  We have to decide what we want to do while we’re here.  We can partake in the joys we’ve created, the distractions presented to us, the imagined race to power or we can pause and look at what is really important.  All of the really important things are provided to us the moment we are born.  We have air in our lungs and brains ready to grasp any information presented to us.  We are blessed to hear the messages from the universe that tell us where to go. We have the capacity to love.  For those who aren’t as blessed as that, we have the capacity to share it with them as well—and we need to remember that is our real purpose.

If we quiet ourselves enough you will hear it and know that is true.  I’m learning to stop fighting over everything.  I allow myself to be the victim because it’s an identity I am familiar with. But that isn’t me and not everything is a fight and not everything is about hurting me.  I know I am strong, educated, and capable—I just allow myself to forget that because of my training.  I found myself falling into the victim pattern at work when it came to my employees and some co-workers.  I’m trying to make a conscious effort to be honest and not let myself hold things in, pretending everything is alright while my teams suffer.  So I spoke with my boss, nervous and anxious the whole time because I didn’t want to come across as someone who isn’t a team player.  She told me to deal with it head on—which I did.

I picked up the phone and spoke with the person I’ve been having some difficulty with.  I was honest and let him know the impact of what was happening.  He was completely receptive and understanding and we now have an arrangement of what is going to happen moving forward.  I was afraid of what I would look like in making this decision even though I knew it would be good for my team.  I had it so built up in my head I had visions of being told I would lose my job because I had to stop helping elsewhere and stick up for my team.   

Yes, it’s small example, but it speaks to how powerful we are.  We have the ability to work through situations more easily than we think we do.  We have the ability to shine even in simple moments of communication.  When we communicate from a place of honest authenticity we can move mountains if needed.  It doesn’t matter what people think of us.  Sometimes we just need to do what is right.  Don’t we say something along the lines of, “Sometimes we must do what is right, not what is easy.”?    Hearing our soul isn’t always easy, but it will always speak the truth.  And you will flow like the river, in divine motion, exactly where you need to go.

“When we cling to what we know we miss how we could grow”—sophia.joan.short. the other day I wrote about the innate habits we all have and how, in my case, it came out in how I am raising my son.  I see so clearly how I have hindered myself by trying to control everything.  Gabby Bernstein talks about how surrender isn’t giving up, it’s giving over—and even that distinction pissed me off because I felt like there was always an order to things and that if you acted according to how it was supposed to go it would go that way.

 I’ve struggled with the things that didn’t come to pass in my life.  I ALWAYS took it personally, like I had done something to affront the universe so my wishes weren’t worthy of coming true.  And it hurt because I took so much time to do exactly what I was told, hoping every time that I would get what I deserved—well, what I thought I deserved. 

Looking back now, learning what I have learned, I see where that inflexibility has hindered me.  I fear letting go of anything because I have so many memories of the blessings I’ve received that I’m afraid I won’t get again.  Maybe that’s the wrong way to say it—it’s more I’m afraid of losing the possibility of having it again.  I fear not getting what I need in spite of doing what I’m supposed to do.  Meaning hard work will get you your reward…my life hasn’t always worked out like that.

There were moments it felt like I was meant to be a doormat while other people got the credit for work I did and that I was always meant to feel like that.  Now I need to see that there are other lessons that may have needed to come out not getting my way other than feeling like I wasn’t meant to succeed.  Some of those lessons I’m still not 100% on what they were, but I can admit that there has to be something there.          

Any time you cling it prevents you from moving one way or the other.  Times I ventured out kind of left me with a bad taste in myself so I felt safer trying to keep things as they were.  But now I see that staying in this safe harbor I’ve created has cultivated a life on repeat—comfortable, yes, but very stifling.  It is time to trust that life takes you where you need to be.  I need to trust that life will take me where I need to be. 

I know how important it is to keep moving, I have spoken of it.  But it was so key for me to stop until I figured out what exactly it was that held me back.  I love my family very much, I have been so privileged in my life, but I have been afraid.  Afraid of who I really am, afraid of letting people down, afraid of never having that type of joy again, afraid of not knowing how to do things for myself and always needing people who may not always be there. 

In order to cope with the natural changes of life it is important to learn how to build your own foundation.  It eases the fear of things changing when you know where you stand.  When you stand firm in who you are, you know how to bend and learn new ways to adapt.  You learn how to stretch, you learn new things and you get creative.  Growth is in letting go.  Growth is in trusting your decisions.  Growth is in acting on what is right for you.  Don’t cling to things that have moved on…move in your own direction.

Sachin Sharma said, “Those who have no dominion over themselves will try to seek dominion over others.  Often these people will try to get into positions of authority so they can feel powerful through telling others what to do.  This is an example of what it means to be of weak character.”  Stopped me in my tracks. At first I took it personally because I have never hidden the fact that I have some major control issues.  And I’ve always been drawn to positions of authority without really thinking about why, so this quote made me think.  But I kept going because really started looking at the bigger implications.

I have a long history of being the kid who got stuck with the group assignment and had to either do it all or fix it in the end.  I was always the kid who was put in the group with challenging people because I had a moderate temperament and could make people feel accepted.  But no one ever saw the toll it had on me.  No one ever saw the quality of my work—they saw that I was able to “make things work under difficult circumstances.”  While that did give me some sense of resilience and even some creativity, it always felt like I was in survival mode and that I had to take everyone to the top with me.

Honestly, I can admit now that I was so frustrated because I wasn’t allowed to shine.  It made me want to take control so I could at least get some credit for doing a good job.  But that was never the focus.  Maybe it was meant to show me the value of teamwork.  Yeah, I could do it on my own but I had to learn and understand what other people could contribute.  The problem with this set up at a young age and repeating the pattern is that I was paired up with people who didn’t want to contribute.  And then it has turned into a personal issue where I couldn’t pull people’s development out fast enough to contribute.

Part of me feels like this sounds feeble.  Like the reality is that no one is inherently altruistic enough to sacrifice the recognition for work they have done for the greater good.  If I were a good leader, would I need to tell people what to do or would I be able to guide them to their potential?  I’m really not sure.  Human nature and my experience with people tells me that people need guidance and structure on some level.  That isn’t about power.  If you want to harness the collective efforts of people for a common goal, they need direction.  It’s that simple.  If we are focusing on a million different goals nothing would get done. 

So where do we find the balance between ego and accepting what needs to be done because it needs to be done?  It isn’t about control, it’s about what is necessary for a goal and making sure everyone does their part.  And anyone can say it isn’t about the recognition, but no one is altruistic enough to not do something for a reason and if you’re championing a cause, of course you want your name attached.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with recognition—it is when you let that go to your head that it’s an issue.  That is where it’s an issue of character.  Recognition and power as the only goal, that is an issue.

I don’t agree that seeking control is an indicator of weak character.  But I do agree that there needs to be balance where we know how to control ourselves first.  I also believe it is possible to achieve that balance.  More importantly, I think the best indicator of character is asking ourselves what type of person we want to be and how we act on that.  Some of us are adept at identifying the details of a needed task and executing to achieve it.  Some of us are good at generating ideas that need to be put together.  It is neither here nor there until you determine what you do with your abilities.  Decide well.       

I had to take a few days to really process what has happened over the last week in my home.  I’ve been feeling incredibly disconnected from my husband as we’ve been arguing over things we’ve never really spoken about before.  My husband is normally a very agreeable person as well as go with the flow, and to be fair, we haven’t had much to fight over when it comes to fundamental beliefs before—we’ve always been pretty solid on that.

We’ve been together for 20 years this year and he said some things about our relationship that gave me pause.  He said that he felt like he wasn’t allowed to have an opinion during an argument we were having after inauguration day.  Some of his fears came to the surface and I know I rose to the bait.  He turned it against me and said he couldn’t have an opinion. Legitimately, I felt like this was the dying call of white male power in our home.  He has ridden on my coat tails, allowed me to support this home financially by myself for the last 20 years and then has the audacity to say I’m not allowing his opinion when he is trying to demean what I stand for.

I know this really out of character for my husband but it made me question if we were really on the same page after all.  It’s a disorienting feeling to think you know someone on a fundamental level for two decades only to find that you may not know them at all.  And if I’m honest, I had to think about whether or not I really do suffocate his opinion. 

The truth is I am a person who has strong values and beliefs and I have always rooted for the underdog.  I have always been vocal for the person struggling and I have always worked to see the other side.  My husband has spent much of his life fending for himself, so he tends to be pretty focused on his own wants and needs and not worry about other people.  It doesn’t make him a bad person—it’s a trauma response.  But we have been together long enough that he knows he isn’t fighting for survival anymore.  When I heard some of the things he was saying, my protector mode shot up and I became defensive of everything I stand for.

Evolution can be a slow process even if it begins with a bang out of nowhere.  I’m meant to stand firm on my own as I’ve been too reliant on other people’s opinions of me.  Like, I have opinions but I use caution on who I share them with and then I tend to share them harshly…         

I’m a strong person and I’ve talked about that before.  I feel intensely, no matter the emotion.  It hurt to hear that he equated a difference of opinion as disregarding him when his opinion disregarded me as a person.  That isn’t something you recover from and that suggests a deeper issue.  I had to evaluate what really happened.  There have been other things going on between us that we’ve truly been trying to approach together (things with our son, our respective health issues) and I think that kind of put us on edge.  We’ve also been trying to figure out our next steps for the future regarding our family and our home and I think that has put some pressure on us. We have the opportunity to approach differences differently in the future, we’ve both recognized that.  I know that it is ok to stand firm for what is right even if it is against my husband’s opinion—and I know it is ok for us to think differently. 

Today I am grateful for coming back to myself.  I have a story that I will be sharing tomorrow that explains more of this, but I literally didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to today.  While that may seem insignificant it is so important to my head-space.  It wasn’t the least bit self-indulgent, it was about listening to what I needed and doing some basic self-care.  I am continually amazed at how easily I forget to slow down…and I am glad I was able to remember today.

Today I am grateful for my husband’s help.  It was all the little things I’ve needed help with so I could just shut down for a while and reboot.  We hadn’t been on the greatest terms lately and it was wonderful to have his help.  I know in spite of our arguments the last few days, he has still been concerned about me so it was really comforting to have him step up like he did.

Today I am grateful for being so close…to everything.  I’ve always been the main support for my family (and I honestly have no issue with that) but it has always been disheartening when we’ve been so close to a goal and we can’t see it through or when we just aren’t able to decide on what we want to do.  I’ve been working on gathering my focus, pruning what isn’t important, and setting my boundaries to get where I want to be and I see that effort paying off.  There are still a lot of areas that I need to apply the same formula to—but I am so glad to be where I’m at now.

Today I am grateful for such a fun day with my son.  I always make a concerted effort to spend more time with my boy on the weekends.  It’s good for him, it’s good for my sanity, and I always learn a lot.  We didn’t do anything extraordinary today but we made a lot of memories together and laughed and loved.  I love those moments—that’s honestly why I talk about them so much.  I know they don’t last forever and if I can give my kid a chance to remember some fun with his crazy mom then I’m doing it.

Today I am grateful to start seeing the pieces of myself that are me and the pieces I can let go of.  I’ve been doing a lot of soul work and so much of me is entwined with my parents and even my grandparents.  I noticed a while ago how much I perpetuated those things onto my son.  I still have jarring moments when I don’t even notice I’m doing it (see “Recognizing My Obsession”) but I can very easily say what is and isn’t from myself.  Now when I notice something that wasn’t from me, I ask, “Do I still need to do this?  Why would I have to continue to do it this way?”  And that has snapped me right back into the moment because it puts the decision squarely on me.

Today I am grateful to sit in this moment remembering my gratitude.  I so easily fall back into my fear patterns because I haven’t fully trained myself to embrace the pause yet.  There are times it’s really disappointing when I see myself so far from who I want to be.  But I haven’t given up on continuing to be grateful—and I am grateful that there is always an opportunity to be grateful.  I know in the grand scheme of things this is small potatoes, so even if I have a moment, I try to counter it with feeling gratitude.  It has worked wonders.

Have a wonderful week!       

My emotions have gotten the best of me for the last few weeks.  I’ve felt all over the place, really unclear, simultaneously excited/hopeful/scared.  Mostly I’ve felt really annoyed with everything.  Like every little thing has set me off and I’ve felt disconnected from my own body because it seems like no one can get their shit together.  People have been losing their minds and I’ve been on the receiving end of madness I truly don’t understand.  Plus, at work, I’ve been between four separate locations all with different responsibilities, my boss has told me that things are going to go one way and then changed them hours later…so nothing has been stable. 

I’ve spoken of life being in constant flux—which I accept.  But being expected to accomplish anything when you’re pulled in a million different directions is NOT possible.  I honestly thought that I was unstable, like something was really wrong with me and I wanted to get medication and then I honestly looked at my day and how I was spending my time.  There was not one thing that could be seen to completion in a standard work day and allow me to get home to spend time with my son, to have a healthy meal, to get my other work done…there was just no way.  THIS is why I felt insane.  Nothing was wrong with my brain. 

The human mind isn’t designed to split like that.  We are told that we need to do a million things in order to be worthy but we are just NOT meant to be that way.  It serves the mind to be of singular focus and we need to honor that, not berate it.  I’ve allowed myself to feel inadequate because I couldn’t keep up.  So I’ve been eating a ton, I’ve been overwhelmed, I haven’t been focused on anything, especially to my goals. 

In this state of self-pity and shame, I saw myself in the mirror as I walked into my kitchen tonight and my jaw dropped.  I truly didn’t recognize myself.  I feel so uncomfortable in my skin, I’m seeing the weight gain, my hair isn’t cooperating.  I went upstairs and I just happened to go by one of our other mirrors and I looked different.  Still not my best, but nowhere near as frumpy or unkempt and the weight didn’t look as bad.  It hit me how most of the outside world lies to us.  While it is also said that the outside is a reflection of the inside, it isn’t always accurate.

In my case, yes, I’ve gotten off track and I see it, but how I look isn’t paramount.  I know how I feel and because I’m feeling so off, I know I need to listen and act to remedy that.  The other day I wrote about having intentions and how important it is to put the things you value first.  You can’t just SAY you value something, you have to act on it.  For me I value my health and that includes all facets of my health: mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional.   I can’t let my mental health suffer because I’m worried about what my boss needs or having to rush around to make everyone happy.  I can’t let my emotional health suffer because I don’t know how to say no. 

When you look in the mirror you are blessed to see the person responsible for changing your life.  I saw myself in multiple lights, seeing how I morphed from one floor of my house to another.  And I understood that neither of those people are me.  Sometimes it takes a little reminder, a little visual of who you aren’t to remind you of who you are.  

My son and I were playing with stickers in a book he got today from my mom.  I felt myself getting a little cringey because he was putting stickers in places they didn’t belong.  I realized in that instant I was perpetuating what I was taught—that everything had to be a certain way and everything has its place.  I stopped myself immediately and I let him play how he wanted to.  He’s only four…

It shows how subconscious the habit is.  I have a built in proclivity to just continually look at how things “should be.”  I have really been making an effort to not do that any longer, but it just comes out.  In reality, I need to ask if that is tied to my ego and the need to be right.  I have to start asking What is important to me—not my ego?

I know what is important to me: my family, communicating well—even if I have to walk away and come back later.  My health which I’m working on improving and have been going to my doctor’s appointments.  Fun which I’m learning to make more time for.  Travel which I’m planning on how to accomplish that.  But I find it ironic that we can go through and claim that we have a deep love of something but we work all of our time away from it instead of incorporating it. 

The things we value we will make time to incorporate in every action.  We have misinterpreted inconsistency for confusion, thinking that we aren’t sure of what we need to do when really we are acting in all sorts of directions so the universe can’t get a clear picture of what you’re trying to do.  When we aren’t aligned we are being unfaithful to ourselves, to our vision and our soul knows it.  Seeing these amazingly powerful women over the last few days has helped me redefine what I want to accomplish.  And what success means to me.  For me it means doing more of what makes me happy in order to help others do well.

Sometimes we fear losing what is valuable to us—we want to be really good at it or we want to make sure we never lose it.  We get paralyzed and sometimes don’t take action because it’s so important we don’t know how to move forward. Marie Forleo talks about fear as a sign post that we misunderstood (outside of situations that we actually use it to keep safe). She says fear is really a signal to take the leap, a guidepost toward something that we really want or that we are really meant to do.  It is a signal to press forward and boldly be who we are because we really like it. 

Sometimes knowing we have to take that leap is overwhelming but it is all part of the plan. Not everything becomes clear at once—and we must continually step forward toward what is true and what feels aligned for us.  It isn’t about perfection or putting things where they are supposed to go—it’s about putting it where they make sense to you. Sometimes it’s scary to do things differently than we’ve always done them but that is what we are directed to do because they are important to us. Pay attention to the things that you do without thinking and ask if that is what you really want to be doing.  Put the stickers where you want to: make it yours.  

“My whole soul is in it,” President Joe Biden, Inauguration Day, Wednesday January 20, 2021.  A day of promise and hope.  A day when we know the deepest challenges begin.  I watched today, as history was made, and felt driven to do the work.  I’ve spoken so much about what I want to do, but it has been an uphill battle to balance out my life to accomplish it.  This is a direct result of choices and old habits.

 I look at my calendar and I see how empty it is.  I remember wanting to keep it full of free time, lots of empty blocks symbolizing untethered freedom. I used to get so mad when someone would put time on my calendar because I always felt like they were taking time from me, time away from what I really wanted to do. I usually ended up serving other people’s purposes regardless because I never set meaningful work or purpose into that calendar.  My day would be dictated to me because I didn’t set what I needed to do.  Now I see all of those blank squares as a blank slate to build the life I want to create.

When President Biden spoke today I was reminded that when you put your whole soul in something, the universe shifts.  Your world changes and suddenly the obstacles you saw no longer exist.  You can’t expect to build something if you haven’t built your time to support what you’re trying to accomplish.  So take the time to put what YOU want on your schedule—you are not a victim of your day or an observer.  You are a participant, a co-creator!  Be intentional.  Anyone who demands you give your time is not helping serve your purpose—they are for themselves.  It is for no one to decide what you do with your life.  We are so conditioned to sacrifice what we want for other’s in hopes they will like us and because we are told that’s what makes a good person. It is not, and it DOES NOT make you a good person. 

There is more than enough for all of us.  We were merely told that wasn’t so; a sleight of hand so others could use you for their end.  We are so blessedly rich and abundant—do ever forget that.  We’ve been given every tool we can imagine—and if we don’t have the tool we’ve been given the means to create the tool.  We’ve just gotten twisted on what the purpose of life is.

Be grateful, be conscious, be aligned, be alive.  All seemingly simple tasks, I know, but the distraction in our lives is at epidemic levels.  We can close the door on the last four years and take a breath of fresh air.  Every beginning is the ending of something else, and I know many are ready for this ending.  So what do you want to look for now that we have settled into the new year?  What do you want to do?  What can you put your entire soul into to breathe life into this weary world once more?  Hell, even if you need to breathe life into yourself first, so be it—but what can you do?  There is always something no matter how small. So start with being conscious and recognizing that there is so much more.    

We had a meeting with our new company today—the first welcome into their system for all of leadership.  I couldn’t help but feel like it was the first indoctrination into their way of life—the gentle setting of expectations, the over excited welcome, the highly emphasized success stories, and the affirmation of previous success in joining.  Naturally when you run a company you’re allowed to level set and make it what you will…but it feels like less of a celebration of mutual collaboration and more of a precursor to telling people to get in line or get out. 

We all have unique qualities about us and I feel like as leaders, we need to help people develop and enhance those qualities.  But I feel the system we are in now (healthcare or otherwise) trains us to be the same.  The system values homogeny so it can produce more.  And it hit me, hearing that there are now over 1200 of us, that they will never remember my name.  They don’t want to hear what I have to say: they want me to do the best at what they tell me.  Any idea I have will only be seen as valuable as the dollar amount it may bring in.  It will have nothing to do with my efforts or my work.  I could bleed myself to the bone, work endless 15 hour days, give up any sense of a life with my family and as soon as I put a limit on it, they would find someone else to do it for them.  Another piece in the machine.

Six years ago, my cousin tragically passed away.  We grew up together and we were closer than anything. We hadn’t been on the best terms when it happened because of a series of unfortunate misunderstandings and really poor decisions and different fundamental lifestyles.  One night his girlfriend was involved in an incident between the two of us and it all went to hell; it was clear he was choosing a different life than mine.  After the incident, my sister got really close to that girl.  When he died, she was at the memorial—and she didn’t remember me at all.  This person who had such an impact on me, on a moment that was so defining in my life had NO CLUE who I was.

The link in both of these instances is that there are moments that will stick with you that will have no impact whatsoever on other people involved.  It hurts like hell—It feels like the twilight zone, as if there were two different experiences.  You question if your memory is accurate and you feel angry because of how you remember it. 

The truth is there were different experiences. The lesson is to identify what you really want and to go for it with total abandon.  You can live your life according to other people’s demands whether it is a job or people-pleasing, you can live holding grudges so deep where you’re the one left holding the burning coal, or you can find a way to make peace and accept what has happened. 

It is so important to be firm in who we are, to have a foundation locked in where we can make our own decisions with the utmost clarity.  We have choices in life: be who we are or who other people tell us to be.  Be forgotten for falling in line, be forgotten for going against the grain or be remembered for being steadfast and going where you are meant to be.  Choose you, my friends, always choose you.  They may make you feel like a cog in the wheel but you are the driver.  You are indispensable.  You have every say in where you go.  NEVER forget that.  Because they will, and they will spend their lives finding people to meet their expectations.  You will live to your expectations and it will be amazing. So, continue to let them write the book–or set that shit on fire and write your own story. Forget what they say and who they want you to be–Remember your own name.