I had an amazing moment on Sunday watching my husband and son play nerf darts together.  Completely uninhibited, running through the house, laughing and having a blast.  Hearing my son giggle uncontrollably and watching my husband patiently teach him how to play with the nerf gun completely warmed my heart.  These are the moments we need together.  I’ve gotten so caught up.  I’m always caught up.  No matter how hard I think about it and try to let it go, I’m always finding myself back in my head.  Watching them play today showed me how vitally necessary it is.  I struggle with shutting down—even though I know how good it feels, even though I know we all need to shut down every now and then—and I always regret it because I let myself burnout before I take any kind of break.

I’m working really hard to remember to take care of myself, especially my mental health.  Old dogs and new tricks, man, it is SO tough.  I appreciate this crew hearing the same things over for a while.  I promise I’m trying to break these habits.  I think I’m also really grateful that in spite of constantly forgetting these lessons, the universe is always bringing them back to me and saying—get your shit together.  We’re here now, enjoy it. 

After the debacle I shared with you about my mother’s health care, I took Monday off and I loved every second of it.  I was able to help my mother and take care of my kid as well as anything that needs to get done.  That emotional trauma will never go away, but I can learn to integrate it and take the lesson higher.  It spoke to so many things occurring in our nation because I know my mother is not alone in this.  We have to do better.  And (as sick as it sounds) I am thrilled to witness so many systems failing from healthcare, to education, to wall street.  Let’s keep peeling back the layers and exposing the truth in everything we do.

I had an anxiety attack late Saturday evening into Sunday morning.  After the events with my mother, the gravity of the situation really began to sink in and I felt myself fearing losing her.  One thing I’ve always prided myself on is being very good in a crisis.  That is the one major benefit of having anxiety my entire life—my brain and body kind of go on auto-pilot in real emergencies and I get a sense of clarity where I just do what needs to be done.  Eckhart Tolle talks about that in “The Power of Now” and how everything disappears except for the crisis at hand.  But after the crisis settles, the emotional component kicks in.  There were so many moments I felt helpless this past weekend that I feared what would happen.

I know that I am going to lose my parents and it is something I’ve always hated.  I’ve had a fear of losing them since I was nine years old.  And now that I’m an adult and we are closer to that moment, when I’m transitioning with my siblings to care taker, it weighs on me. Then I started fearing my own death and leaving my son behind and the weight became crushing.  I know time moves on and we only have so much time while we are here.  In the midst of that fear-based brain, I had a moment of truly understanding how fleeting life is and how important it is to do what really matters.  How important it is to let go of all the extraneous bullshit we strive for—just let it go and focus on what matters.

I have a tendency to go to the extremes with everything I feel—fear, passion, excitement, and anxiety.  Even if I love a book, I will make sure to get them all.  Like I fill my life up with so much stuff because I don’t want to feel the fears.  Having a lot of stuff makes me feel safe and gives me the illusion that I have all I need and I will always have all I need.  I see how much my life has become cluttered by that behavior and, in that moment of clarity through fear, I know how much I need to let go of.  I’m trying to hold on to past lives, to things that are no longer present, to things that I truly no longer need.  Now it no longer makes me feel safe—it makes me feel heavy and clouded.  

That was one time I was actually grateful for my anxiety.  That was probably the clearest I have ever been on making a decision through my anxiety and I felt like the anxiety actually served a purpose, gave me an answer.  On Sunday morning my son climbed into bed and told me It was the “bestest day in the world” because he loves the morning.  And that firmly planted me right in the present moment.  No amount of fear is going to change what is coming, I’ve spoken about that before.  No amount of lamenting or filling a home up with stuff is going to bring back the past, or the feeling from the past.  No THING is going to take away the pain of the past or stop the future. The key to being happy is to truly be present.

I pulled a card and it was about sensitivity.  It said “You are extra sensitive to energies and emotions right now.  Honor yourself and your feelings.”  It’s true.  I am extra sensitive right now because I’m in the throes of a deep change.  I’m in the field between the forest and the road, navigating my way between lives.  And I’ve lived a wonderful life, it’s no wonder it’s hard to let it go.  I have to trust that the next phase will be as wonderful, if not more so.  It’s time for me to embrace the change, make peace with it and lean into it.  I feel guilty for talking about it so often and not doing it.  But I’m stuck in the memory of that safety and security and the truth is, it no longer exists.  It was always an illusion anyway.  That security needs to come from within.  I am so grateful for my life, and there is a lot more of it to live.  As much as I don’t want to say goodbye, I am grateful I have all the memories of it. 

As we spoke about boundaries the other day, the universe provided a test—like she does.  I’ve learned in the last 48 hours that I’m not very clear when setting boundaries.  Rather, I’m not very clear with enforcing my boundaries.  I feel very passionately and express myself clearly—but I don’t enforce well.  My first reaction is to bend so people won’t think I’m inflexible.  And then I get mad because I give in to what other people want in hopes they will one day bend for me.  Which they never do.

Friday started off well enough with a prioritization meeting with my team.  In the middle of my meeting another manager called one of my employees to ask her to help set up another employee on a third team get set up for the day.  I had told her to answer the phone because she assists with overtime in the other manager’s department and I assumed they were setting something up for the weekend, no big deal.  I was not anticipating he was using her during her shift on our time to troubleshoot another team’s staff member.  I couldn’t understand why the third person’s manager couldn’t set up this employee.  And why did my coworkers feel it is ok to call my employee and have her work with their teams?

Around three o’clock, my mother was taken to the hospital.  None of our family has been allowed to see her due to COVID restrictions (understandable) and we weren’t getting any information from them when we called.  After waiting three hours and numerous calls to the hospital, the woman I spoke with lost her temper with me and I rose to the bait—with zero regret I may add.  She insinuated that I was trying to breach HIPAA and I finally yelled at her that my mother had no ID with her, no information, no one is allowed to be there to advocate for her, and she has no idea what is happening.  I couldn’t understand why it took getting to that level to be heard and understood that this situation wasn’t about who is right or wrong, it was about my mother and her safety.  After six hours with no contact, we finally got some answers.

So for me, in a radical demonstration of self-love, I am no longer apologizing for standing up for what is right.  I am not apologizing for upsetting someone’s day when someone’s life is on the line.  I care more about what I need to do and developing my goals than I do making people like me.   Also in a radical demonstration of self-love, I have to enforce my boundaries with myself.  While I need to be flexible, I also need to be stricter.  I let myself off the hook too much for the things I want to do.  I will often let myself not do something if I don’t feel like it.  And I can see where that makes my overall boundaries lax.  If I can’t stick to my own word, why would other people? 

A final act of self-love, I will learn to forgive myself when I am not able to meet my own expectations and I will get back on track as soon as possible.  For example, on Saturday I was dealing with my mom’s situation all day and I wasn’t able to post.  That had nothing to do not wanting to do what was important to me, that was life saying I needed to deal what was important to someone else.  There is no need to feel guilty for that—even though I do.  I think I feel guilty in those moments when I’m truly unable to do something I intended to because I recognize I had opportunity in other times to do it and I chose not to.  I’m forgiving myself for that too.  All I can do is aim for balance and work on these things with more discipline.  Everything else is gravy.

This is another big topic for me—namely because I haven’t ever known when to leave.  I’ve always felt out of place in my life, like my timing is off.  I was born generations after my siblings so I grew up relatively alone.  I never got along with many people my age (stories to come on that) and I have always pushed for the next thing.  I wasn’t raised to recognize when things weren’t healthy or when they no longer served.  I was raised to do as I was told and to stick it out.  I was the kind of person who showed up to work sick as a dog and ended up in the ER because I didn’t think I was allowed to call out sick.  I left that job on a Friday and my boss gave his notice the following Monday.

My judgement was always off and I took jobs that weren’t for me, I settled for less than I deserved just so I could be accepted, I stayed in relationships with people who weren’t right for me.  And any time I did manage to get out of one of those situations, I hopped so quickly I couldn’t settle to really find the lesson.  So I switched between being stuck like a tree stump and acting like a frog, jumping so quickly and so often I couldn’t make sense of what I was doing.  I remember I was injured on the job as a massage therapist and arguing with the doctor that I couldn’t go to work because there was someone else to answer the phones he insisted I could handle.  Completely unheard, I had no idea how to react.

This man clearly didn’t understand the dynamics of what I did for a living and I had no words to describe my frustration.  I walked out numb, knowing my job didn’t have anything for me because they already had receptionists, and that I couldn’t perform my work.  I ended up staying home for a month, hiding and alone.

After that I knew I couldn’t let anyone dictate what I did with my life (or my body) ever again.  You do not get to take a glance at me and assume you know what I am capable of.  And you do not get to push me beyond my limits.  That is the truth for all of us: no one gets to demand anything of us beyond common decency.  I’m not the best at this but I am smart enough to know that this is something vital in life.  It’s not just the act of leaving—it’s the act of setting the boundary.  Setting and maintaining that boundary is love.  Having enough self-awareness to say something isn’t working or it goes against your values is key because THAT is how you know to leave.  It’s fine to apply this to everything—work, relationships, events.  If it isn’t something that resonates with your core values then it’s time to cut it loose.

We are often taught that boundaries are selfish.  Get that shit out of your head, pronto.  I’m speaking from the position of being a doormat for too long.  Learning this if you have never done it before or if you have old beliefs engrained is challenging.  It requires you to step out of your comfort zone and maybe even piss off some people.  No one can ever know us as well as we know ourselves and no one will look out for us as well as we know ourselves so we are the only ones who can say what is good for us.

The only reason the timing was ever off in my life is because I didn’t set my boundaries.  I met other people’s needs and had the expectation they would meet mine in return.  I made mistakes as a child and cut out the people who should have been in my life and I held on to every mistake as a character trait instead of a lesson.  All that got me was running circles.  So, I  have learned to set the damn boundaries.  I make sure I work on my stuff every night.  I leave work on time every day.  I spend time with my son.  I meal prep.  And the boundaries are coming in stronger.  A promise I make to myself is to continue setting those boundaries and to leave when it no longer serves.         

My home was filled with yelling and tears for the last two days. My husband and I have been desperately trying to communicate with our son and it is extremely challenging.  My son is incredibly intelligent and determined and that doesn’t always align with what our plans are.  Normally we’ve been pretty good about coping when things go awry and coaching each other through helping our son navigate the tough stuff.  But we collapsed the last couple of days and neither one of us could manage.  I know kids are resilient but I always worry that we are impacting him.  I felt like I failed as a parent.

I love my kid and I see so much of both my husband and myself in him.  I try to remind myself that the parts of my boy that set me off are the parts of myself that I need to work on.  As a recovering control freak (who am I kidding, I’m still fighting that battle) it’s hard to allow a four year old to run the show.  It’s hard to tell what I can let go of and what needs to be addressed.  He is four so of course he needs limits and guidance—but he is his own person and I don’t want to hinder that.  Yet everything from picking up toys to leaving the house in the morning is a fight.  Maybe this is all completely normal, but I have internalized it on some level because I know he is trying to express himself and I don’t want him to feel like something is wrong with him.

I have read a lot of books about failure.  I know failure is not who you are, it’s not who I am.  It’s an event, not a character flaw.  It’s a sign of being human.  If we were meant to have it all figured out there would be a manual somewhere and there most certainly is not.  People have tried to make books on the subject but being human is such a tricky thing that no one has ever managed to capture the whole thing.  Maybe this is just a bad moment, and because I’m a fixer, I’m making demands for an explanation that even fully grown adults can’t put into words.  I know I can’t always explain what’s going on.  I guess it’s about learning grace and having patience. 

I made the choice at five years old to not add any undue stress to my parent’s lives (that’s another story) and I remember the moment it happened.  From then on I became the dutiful daughter, always doing as I was told.  I placed the expectation of fully understanding people’s emotions and expectations on my son and my husband—and everyone in my life to tell the truth.  That is no ones burden to carry, I was wrong.  My son is his own person and has the right to go through his own learning curve and make his own decisions even if they upset me.

So while these past few days have been rough, they have also been a learning experience.  Being forced to sit with my actions and to recognize the patterns of a lifetime have shown me that sometimes failing really is a lesson.  I spoke about compassion the other day and this is a reminder that sometimes we have to show ourselves compassion as well.  Myself included.  We will not always get it right and sometimes we will hurt people.  It’s the recovery and the integration that matters—not the failure.  The first two days of this month I have spoken of compassion and self-love: redefining failure and showing compassion to ourselves is a courageous act of self-love.  I can say I tried my best, and now I know better.    

This topic has weighed heavily on me for a long time because, in full transparency, I haven’t loved myself very well.  How can someone profess the need for self-love when they don’t love who they are?  How can they love who they are when they’ve never been taught how? I’ve never been neglected or abused, but I didn’t have an easy childhood.  I witnessed things no child should have witnessed and I’m reading a book by Tara Schuster that expressed it perfectly.  She said that we often feel like we aren’t allowed to feel a certain way about a feeling if we are privileged. The truth is we ARE allowed to feel what we feel.

I was feeling incredibly off on Saturday and much of Sunday…I felt horrible.  I couldn’t get it together.  I hated my life and I forgot where the magic really is.  I loathed everything about myself, and quite frankly, I didn’t see a reason to stay alive.  Not that I was suicidal, but I definitely didn’t see the point.  I needed to get in touch with myself again.  To be quite frank, I’ve been feeling this overall blah-ness sinking in again for weeks now.  I’m on the precipice of doing something great (well, what I hope is great) so I know my attention has been divided unfairly.  I’m human and can’t do it all. 

But this goes deeper than that.  Self-love is about being honest and I still feel like I’m hiding something from myself.  I’ve never really sat with any of my emotions—I ate them away, yelled them away, hid myself away, or cut them away.  I never felt like I knew where I was going but I had a strong sense of where I wanted to go. 

I never learned to focus on any one thing–and I need to focus on one thing at a time.  I felt a lot of pressure to be wildly successful and to always look like I could do it all. I still have a habit of taking on a bunch of things and I used to think that I wanted to do them because I could, to prove I could and then it kind of became who I was.  People relied on me to finish whatever they started in addition to my own things.  I ended up getting nowhere because no one can make real progress doing five things at a time.  At least not good progress.  Now I’m starting to get the feeling that I take on more than I can accomplish because I don’t want to feel something.  It feels like I’m keeping myself from succeeding. 

I look at all of this as a big step toward self-love because you have to know yourself well enough to know what isn’t working.  You have to know what is really you and what is your ego or what you were told to do.  We are often so hard on ourselves and we aren’t taught to extend ourselves compassion or love—we have to hold ourselves to a different level otherwise we are weak.  How well is that working for us?  Chances are you, like me, are an overwhelmed, overstressed, unsure, frazzled, often insecure, confused person.  Extend the first hand up to yourself and acknowledge that your imperfections are simply a part of you—they don’t define you.  And if you’re really honest—are they imperfections at all?

We are powerful, magical, beings who have gotten caught up in the human experience.  Be generous with yourself—and patient.  And for everything that you are, really listen.  Try to understand and be forgiving and open to the idea that you’re just trying to get to the root of what this crazy ride is about.  THAT is self-love.  That is the greatest gift you can give yourself and anyone in the world.  When you open up to who you are, you shine your light on a gift that needs to be shared.    

Yesterday I witnessed one of the most beautiful instances of love that I have seen in over a year.  I’ve mentioned several times that my organization is going through a lot of changes.  For the last year we’ve been in this awkward position of acting like everything is normal when it isn’t.  That has created an unbelievable level of mental strain.  There is also immense guilt and frustration because many of us have been so privileged during all of this (keeping a roof over our heads, continuing our jobs, eating, etc.) that it feels wrong to feel stressed.   There is an accompanying anger for so many reasons, for so many things that feels so unresolved and uncertain that you just don’t know what to do with it.

At work, we’ve been good about checking in with each other and seeing how we’ve been doing.  But it isn’t something we were accustomed to and it came across as a little superficial.  We would all say we were ok and maybe share a little detail about ourselves, but any real discussion made us uncomfortable.  Until yesterday.  The organization has one person who has created an amazing outreach for employees and my boss took the time to check in using this program.

It was one of the most cathartic experiences I’ve ever shared with a group of people, and it certainly was the most cathartic experience I’ve had at work.  We shared real stories about real things happening in our lives.  We actually let ourselves out of our cages and said what was happening.  We cried, we admitted things we should have talked about months ago.  And that was all we needed.  To see each other as we are and to know that we aren’t alone—not just saying we aren’t alone, but actually showing each other we are present, listening, and understanding what we’re all going through.

For some time now it has felt like we were losing hope.  Like we weren’t really supporting each other and it didn’t feel like we were supposed to do anything other than our jobs.  That conversation yesterday was just the first of what will really bring about healing but that first step was so important.  Vulnerability is scary but it is necessary to remember that we aren’t alone and that we have people we can relate to.

It’s actually sad that this type of compassion isn’t the norm at work—because it works; in order to do the best job possible, there has to be an element of humanity.  The same is said for our daily lives.  In order to be the best person we can be and in order to fulfill our purpose we need to remember our humanity and celebrate it, to resonate with it, and to share it.  That’s all we need.  I believe we need to make practices like this a norm because we are more than a machine designed to work 40 or more hours to collect a paycheck.  We are designed to embrace life, no matter what that brings.  And to remember we are never alone.       

This month we examine love.  I know, it’s cliché, but that doesn’t make it any less important.  My goal this month is to really break down this word that is thrown around billions of times a day and to see what it means.  The truth is love really does mean different things to different people.  There are even different types of love within the same group.  Some spend decades looking for it and others detest the idea of it. 

So what is love?  What’s the big deal?  And why do we put such an emphasis on needing it to be a certain way?  It’s funny that we assume love would need to be anything when love, by its very definition, simply is.  I want to talk about all of this because I’ve been in the process of learning what love really is.  I want to look at self-love, love in relationships, and love in families or close groups. 

What really got me started on this topic is that I’ve been with my husband for 20 years this year.  We have a child and we have been through the gamut with each other.  We were young when we got together and there are times I know that we are not loving each other well.  I thought I knew early in my life what love was.  I didn’t understand that it was anything different to other people.  There comes a point, however, when you spend such a great length of time with someone that you start to notice things aren’t what you think they are.  things are projecting how you make them, but that doesn’t mean it’s real.

Love doesn’t make demands and has no expectations, yet I have high expectations of everything.  So is that really love?  Does love exist in a state where we are conflicted?  Absolutely.  But we HAVE forgotten what love really is.  I don’t pretend to have that answer, but I know that there is a sense of coming back to something with real love. 

For me, love is a source.  It’s a belief that there is something connecting us all to each other and connecting us back to source as well—that thing inside of all of us that drives us and gives us meaning for being here.  Love is seeing people as they are, giving them enough space to be who they are, and doing the same for ourselves. 

Love is imperfect and messy and changes all the time.  There are a few constants about love.  One is that we all feel it in some way.  The other is that we need it in some way.  It’s our job to find our way back to love through ourselves.  To learn to not demand our needs be met by someone else.  There is a lot going on in this world and we all need a little extra support.  So let’s take this month and decide to relearn what we think we know.  Let’s take this time to figure out the parts of us that need love again (spoiler alert—it’s every part).

So here is to learning, unlearning, and loving—everything.         

Today I am grateful for being able to recognize when things aren’t right with myself (see the next section) and to be able to try and fix it.  I was able to get some errands done yesterday and I bought myself some books.  I started reading one that has absolutely hooked me and I will be sharing that with you soon. 

Today I am grateful for completely shutting off my mind.  I’ve been in overdrive (again) and this time I actually feel myself getting closer and closer to burnout.  I’m not myself, I’m snippy and curt, and I’m tired all the time.  We had some business to take care of yesterday and my right eye started going completely blurry in the periphery.  It sent me into a panic attack.  I haven’t been taking care of myself or my home very well.  I haven’t been able to cope with basics like taking a shower—it has been too much effort.  So, for today, I gave in. There is no amount of pushing that would have made me feel like I accomplished anything.  I sat and watched TV after playing in the snow with my son.  That was it.  I did shower a bit later, but that was it.

Today I am grateful for finding some resonance and some words for what I’ve been feeling.  This new book I started reading has expressed exactly what I’ve been going through in ways that I couldn’t articulate.  For as isolated as I’ve been, reading these pages makes me feel like there are people who really do understand.

Today I am grateful for my body.  It has been telling me for some time now that I need to make changes (which I have been working on) and it keeps me going.  It is so challenging to make changes when your mind isn’t in the right place.  We feel lonely or lost and we end up doing things we are familiar with to ease the uncertainty of not knowing.  My body is doing a great job of keeping me focused and reminding me when I get off track.

Today I am grateful to consider other ways of having to do things.  I’ve noticed my impact on others lately, namely my family.  My husband is using phrases that I normally do and he’s aggravated about things he would normally let go.  My son is doing the same thing and I see his frustration to adequately express what he is really feeling.  At first I was mad at myself.  Now I know it is a chance for me to be a better example.  Sometimes we don’t realize how much people are watching.

Today I am grateful for my animals.  Yes, they drive me insane 70% of the time, but I love their fuzzy butts.  Today is one of my cat’s fifth birthday.  This guy is really special–he definitely picks up on the subtle things when I’m not feeling well—things the humans in my life don’t see.  He’s a Maine Coon and they have a certain bond with their humans that isn’t really like other cats.  Sometimes that unspoken understanding is all we need—even if it’s from an animal.   

Today I am grateful to have made it.  I’m tired and I’m raw, but I’m here.  I’m breathing and I have a purpose even when I have no clue what that may be.  I’m grateful to have a chance to try again.  Most days feel like a crap shoot—I have no idea what it’s going to be like.  I used to go through life thinking there was a certain age when you had it figured out.  No one does.  Not really anyway.  Some people are closer than others, but no one has the secret formula.  So I am grateful for each day I have to choose to do something right for me.  To feel better.  We all have that choice. 

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.

I have another Gabby Bernstein quote tonight…it just fit the pattern. She said, “Don’t ask What happens if I do it? Ask What happens if I don’t do it.”  Our gifts aren’t meant to be stifled or hidden.  They are meant to be explored, developed, and shared.  We need to stop looking at our gifts as “just something we can do” or as something that makes us arrogant.  We have to look at our gifts as something we have an imperative to share with the world.  They are necessary and we wouldn’t have them if we weren’t meant to do something profound with them.

Our culture makes it seem like we are wrong for exploring things that interest us or that we are selfish for doing what we enjoy or crazy for trying to make a living doing something we love.  We feel like we can only accept what we’ve been told and anything else is unrealistic or unimportant.  We are also trained that we are meant to do nothing more than fit in and be part of the crowd.  When you start searching for your purpose it feels uncomfortable and questions of doubt and worth inevitably creep in.  It takes a lot of training to stop listening to that training and go with your gut. 

Decide to be who you are because that light you can share is irreplaceable and irrevocable.  It is necessary as much as breathing.  We are blessed to live in a time where our basic needs are readily available so we aren’t in survival mode…but we still behave as if we are in survival mode because, to us, being part of the group IS survival.  Getting a job and a home and paying bills is survival.  We shifted from hunting and gathering to nomadic life to agricultural life to consumer life and we are on the precipice of the next shift.  Our personal evolution is a part of bringing this in. 

What is at stake if you don’t answer your calling?  My friends, I can’t say over sell this: everything is at stake.  From your personal sanity, to your worth, to your fulfillment, to your gift opening up new ways to live in a world that is very much in need of an evolutionary revolution.  Times were never exactly easy for us but it was all from self inflicted aggravation.  This has been exposed, ripped wide open for us to deal with at the most basic level and we can no longer ignore it without serious consequences on what society will look like.  We have nothing but opportunity in front of us.  How exciting is that?

Again, change is difficult, it feels uncomfortable.  We don’t often fear failure, we fear success.  Success means that we stand out and our primal brain knows that standing out is potentially dangerous.  Success means that we are different than we thought we were.  Success means living at a different level, living up to a different standard than we may be accustomed to.  That means that we may have to give up some of what we know, if not all we know. 

The more we get used to the idea of change and what it really means the easier it becomes.  Change is like anything—it comes easier with practice.  I’m no pro, but I have dealt with a lot of change in my life and not much has gone according to my plan.  But I have always gotten where I need to be.  That in itself tells me there is a bigger reason to this thing called life, bigger than we can imagine.  We have a nearly endless array of technology and tools available to us.  Combine that with a sense of adaptability and some ingenuity, a dash of confidence, a splash of curiosity and we really have something.  Mary Oliver asked, “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?”  Don’t ever take a moment for granted and don’t for one second ever believe you aren’t worthy of going after what you want—no matter what anyone tells you.  The world needs you.