“Be alone, that is the secret of invention.  Be alone, that is when ideas are born,” Nikola Tesla.  I wanted to take a break from talking about the source of anxiety to talking about relieving it.  I’ve spoken candidly about taking action and about taking accurate account of what is going on in your life to give yourself a break.  But this quote covers a couple of things.  A lot of people who suffer from anxiety simply deal with too much stimulation.  In my last post I listed off all of the things going on in my life—and those are all DAILY things.  It’s no wonder with that kind of pressure that we start to feel like we are going to explode.  Beyond the pressure, it is all too much stimulation.  Anxiety is also the result of not being able to properly process outside input, and when we take in too much, our brain doesn’t know how to react.  That is where this quote comes in.

I’ve never really mentioned taking time to be alone with the purpose of removing stimulation.  My brain tends to be very active whether I’m anxious or not so I have to be very conscious and recognize when that activity is about to turn to anxiety.  I know I’m not alone when it comes to being raised on the belief that activity generates worth—but we never question whether that activity is serving us.  I know we all have obligations, I’m not talking about becoming entirely self-serving.  But I am talking about finding the balance. 

So, when we start to feel overwhelmed with our current situation, it really does help to remove ourselves.  Retreat.  That word causes some confusion because we tend to think of retreat as sacrificing something, or giving up.  The reality is, retreat is entirely strategic.  It is in retreat that we can take stock of where we are at and mend and tend our minds to redirect if needed.  We can’t see the forest for the trees if we are locked in a state of over-stimulation.  We blind ourselves to what’s around us and aren’t able to orient ourselves.  Soon the world feels like it’s spinning and before we know it we are curled up in a ball, unable to move. When we are in that state, we have to find a way to get quiet and hear.  We have to train ourselves to listen to the truth that only comes from within.

Going back to redirection, it is when we redirect that new opportunities reveal themselves.  When we see the new opportunity, we start fulfilling my other anti-anxiety strategy: doing.  The anxious person’s over active mind does have a purpose—there are valuable things that come from the creativity of constant movement.  We just have to learn to identify them and act on them.  Tesla talks about solitude being the mother of invention, and while he was more than likely referencing focused effort, I look at it as removing unnecessary distraction.  When we remove the chatter from our own minds, we see ourselves in a new light.

I wanted to take a minute to level-set on the anxiety that’s clouded me (and that I’ve been mentioning…a lot).  I just watched Amy Bream, a brilliant one-legged athlete jump rope, swim, do pull ups, and kill in a dead lift.  Meanwhile, my sensitive ass bitches and laments that I can’t find time to work on what I want.  Like lightening it hit me—I am too much in my head.  I am a sensitive soul.  That is beautiful for compassion and understanding and I don’t regret those things because they are truly some of my greatest gifts.  But I will admit, that sensitivity means I really do need to develop a thicker skin.  That isn’t to say be callous or hard-hearted and ignore the injustices in the world but to stop taking things so personally and to be strong enough to be who I am and to share my light.

The truth is the opinions of others are only enough to stop us if we let them.  That isn’t to say developing mental strength is easy—far from it. But it is an illusion.  The challenges we create around standing our ground and setting boundaries are all in our heads.  We believe that saying no to someone is disrespectful or that we need to have a “good enough” reason to not participate in something we don’t agree with or enjoy doing.  That’s simply not true.  Setting boundaries doesn’t say as much about respecting other people as it says about how much we respect ourselves and our integrity and the time we are given on this Earth.  The saying perception is reality is given too much credence in regards to what other people think of us.  Who cares if those who aren’t supporting us don’t think we have it?  They aren’t fighting the battles we are so let it go.  We have the power to change.  We just have to DO it. 

We also need to learn to cut ourselves a break.  When I looked at my life over the last several months in particular, I saw the problem.  I’m working full time, managing four unrelated departments where I have to shift gears based upon need, three of them I had to learn from scratch because they are not in my wheelhouse, one of which I’m building from scratch, I’m starting my business, learning how to run a business (reading new books and taking courses), trying to apply lessons, managing four animals, a pre-schooler, a husband, a new home, my parents, trying to get physically healthy, all while we have been over a year in a pandemic, our government has enslaved us, the planet is being killed, it feels like the world is falling apart, and no one listens to anything anymore.  And I WONDER why I’m exhausted and on edge.  Why I’m so anxious I can’t breathe.  It’s too much.

I want to be clear, I know it isn’t hopeless.  But how can I pick one thing when so much needs to be done?  The overwhelm isn’t imagined, but it is hard to manage.  It takes a lot of conscious effort.  There is a saying along the lines of, “You’re not overwhelmed, your unorganized.”  It isn’t the whole truth, but there is some truth to it.  Having a plan and taking decisive action eliminates the anxiety because productive results come from taking steps.  But the reality is, so many of us face our lives like this: an endless to do list with things we can’t complete on our own but we are told to do it.  So.  What I can do now is breathe and prioritize.  And that is what I encourage all of you to do.  Take a break and get honest about what is going on in your life.  Eliminate what you can, prioritize what is in your control, and let go of the rest.  And for the love of whatever you believe in, give yourself a break. 

I want to preface this with I have recreated myself so many times and I will recreate myself an infinite amount more.  After writing about forgiving, believing, and creating, I figured an example was in order.

Today I decide the bullshit ends.  The fear, the unnecessary stress, the worry of what others thing…of anything I’m doing, the sensitivity, the waiting to be me, the guilt of who I thought I would be and the actions I couldn’t quite keep in line.  Today I pick up the healing, the patience, the truth of who I am, what I want to do, the steps to be who I’m meant to be.  Today I put down the mantle, the yoke of what I was and put on the cloak and scepter of who I am.  I know it’s a journey.  I will falter.  But I know I can trust myself to get back up or even fly as needed.  I can trust myself to get back on track and see this through.  The reality is what I make of it, it is here for the creating.  IT will get messy.  Healing usually is.  So is creation.  We are born in blood and human ichor and we move through life like that.  Sometimes we even go out that way, filthy and bruised.  So while it is messy, it is beautiful.  And necessary.  And transcendent.  Get my hands dirty.  Feel the grit.  Let it take away some of the softness.  THAT is real.  We can’t life coddled and call it living.  Break the mold and embrace my greatness.  Are YOU ready to do the same?  Let the bullshit end.

“Forgive your younger self.  Believe in your current self.  Create your future self,” Rob Booker.  Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve run the emotional gamut with anxiety.  Logically I know I have no reason to fear.  But my brain doesn’t believe it.  I’ve hit a crossroads in my life where I know I need to think differently—again.  Ironically, I just finished a book called Think Again by Adam Grant and it absolutely made me question and redefine my thought process, specifically about where I’m at.  For the last several months, I’ve honestly felt pretty good.  More stable, able to talk myself down when I felt escalated, communicating better.  And then a few weeks ago, I felt an immense surge of overwhelm (I will speak about this in more detail tomorrow) and I went into an absolute spiral of anxiety.  There was no talking myself out of this.  There was no movement that helped me.  No amount of talking brought be back to where I felt level.  The timing of reading this book really helped because, as the anxiety worsened, the logic behind it kept repeating itself in my head. 

I realized that this wasn’t just an anxiety spiral.  This was one of those things I keep coming back to, one of the things Buddhism says we come back to until we learn the lesson.  My ego keeps getting in the way of my emotional management and I am being tested to say the least.  So…the overwhelm crashed over me and I felt helpless for a while there.  And then my training kicked in: reframe.  You already know this, you’re actively reading material on it, so put it into practice. 

I realized that so much of the pain I’m feeling today is still for things I’ve done in my past.  Some of them aren’t even mine, I just inherited them.  I found a picture of myself with my best friend and I’m about six or seven years old.  At first I just laughed and smiled and felt the love of over 30 years of friendship.  But as I really examined it, I saw myself differently.  Even at that age, in this picture I saw the strain in me.  The strain of trying to live.  My mouth is a thin line, my shoulders are hunched up, and I’m facing forward, sitting in front of my friend like I’m prepared to take a bullet for her instead of posing for a photo.  While I never wanted for basic needs, I am acutely aware of the mental burden I carried from the time I was born.  No child should be born with that kind of fear.  I knew I was loved, I just wasn’t sure I was supported.  And I certainly didn’t know how to fit in. 

I see now that so much of what I internalized affected my ability to form healthy relationships.  I spent a lot of years mourning my social ineptitude and I see now it wasn’t a weakness, it was a defense.  I constantly felt the need to take care of myself, constantly felt alone, constantly felt the pressure to prove myself and that I wasn’t a burden on my family.  At five years old I remember making the decision that I needed to be good and to listen to my parents all the time.  By seven, the evidence of that pressure was clear on my young body. So that habit, that feeling is something I need to forgive myself for.  I forgive myself for existing and celebrate being alive.  I forgive myself for putting unrealistic expectations on myself I didn’t comprehend.  I forgive myself for the consequences I set in motion with those decisions I didn’t understand.      

I’m learning to believe in myself.  My strength and confidence have improved, but I know that is also on the spiral of things I return to.  Little things still feel personal to me even if I thought I worked through them.  The triggers of revealing my imperfections still send me into anxiety and fear of being alone or excluded and feeling abandoned.  Seeing how early those misguided attempts at control formed my life, I understand why it has been so challenging to break those beliefs and habits.  But I am trying to reframe and keep my successes at the forefront.  I’m trying to remember all I am and that my worth isn’t based upon how much I can carry, or how little space I can take up, or what I can do on my own.  I can believe in myself because I’ve already gotten this far.  I’ve survived and I have thrived, even in a broken state.  Getting myself well will only improve that.

To create my future self, I have to apply that belief and learn to keep going.  Not every set back is a failure or a sign that I won’t achieve what I’m looking for.  Creating my future self is a matter of doing.  All the thinking in the world will not yield results.  Doing will.  So even when it feels scary or like I’m messing it all up, I will continue to do.  I will do bravely.  I will do imperfectly because done is better than perfect.  I will do often.  I will do with intention.  I will do with purpose.  I will do it all.  And even when I’m feeling afraid, I will keep doing…something.  So can you.

“Focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Focus on your character, not your reputation.  Focus on your blessings, not your misfortunes,” Via Manifestinglord. Continuing our theme of self-improvement and expressing our gifts, I felt this was a good starting point.  We don’t come out of the gate automatically believing we can do what we’re trying to achieve.  It typically starts quietly, with an inkling, or a feeling that there is a different possibility.  Then we decide to possibly stop numbing ourselves with distraction  

We are taught early on that if you aren’t perfect at something, that you aren’t successful.  We are taught that areas we need to improve upon somehow diminish what we are capable of.  Imagine if we let go of what we can’t do and start looking at what we CAN do. It’s a matter of reframing and rethinking what we do.  It’s about approaching what we do with intention and if the intention is to improve, then we will see continual progress.  Trying to achieve perfection only sets us up for failure and it deters us from trying again in the future. Similarly, focusing on what we are bad at doesn’t move us to get better, it makes us feel worse. 

When it comes to character, we often face a fine line between being concerned about what we look like over doing the right thing.  Our character is tied to our integrity—our reputation is tied to what people think.  Character is who we are regardless of who is around.  Reputation is how others perceive us.  You see where this is going?  We have no power over what our reputation is—people will think what they want to no matter what you do.  Our character is who we are. 

We have to learn to take small steps toward what we want each and every day, establish consistency and follow through in order to get where we want to be.  It all starts with taking stock of what you have working for you instead of piling up what is against you.  If we live in a constant state of lack, we will never establish a belief in our abilities.  Learning what is really important in life is the key to shifting where our energy goes.  We do have a say in what we give time and attention to.  You will find that we have far more blessings in this world than we consider.  The fact that we wake up and breathe is a gift.  If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food to eat, you’re blessed. 

Each of us has strengths.  Our job is to learn to apply them and to appreciate what we’ve been given.  Mourning what we don’t have only takes away from what we have.  It’s easy to give the mind power to believe that you are worthless—take it away.  Feed your mind all that you are capable of.  Tell yourself that you are worth the space you take up.  That you have a gift to give the world.  It may not be conventional but if it is yours, stick with what is right for you and share it.  You may surprise yourself.   

Today’s gratitude is a bit different. 

Today I am grateful to be alive.  I don’t want to be flippant and ignore that yesterday marked the 20^th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks, but I needed some time to process what I wanted to say.  Everyone has their story of what happened and where they were on September 11^th, 2001.  For me, I had only started dating the man who would become my husband a few weeks before.  My mother and I went to New York to visit my sister.  We got back, and exactly seven days later, 20 years ago yesterday, the towers I had just seen in person, fell.  I sat in a classroom watching the attack, resulting from so many complicated things, and feeling helpless, hoping my sister was ok.  My heart hurt witnessing people die, the images frozen in time and recorded as planes flew into buildings and people jumped to their deaths rather than suffocate or burn to death.  It has a surreal feeling to it now, two decades removed.  The pain is there, but it means something different.  We’ve lost the ability to come together as we did in the days following the attack.  We’ve all endured countless painful events since then—that is life.  But that doesn’t negate the memory of those who lost that opportunity that day.  Who would they be?  Who would we be?  We won’t ever know that, but I know and I don’t ever forget that I was given an opportunity to do something new after that moment.  Remember, we are better together.  Now, to share some lessons from the last week.

Today I am grateful for the words of wisdom from my son.  We sat outside, me ever chewing and contemplating and feeling the nervousness course through my body.  I had some work to do and I told him it was time to go in. He looked at me and simply said, “Mommy we have plenty of time to enjoy the view.”  He is so much smarter than I am.  I am truly grateful for the gentle reminders to take in life as it’s happening and to appreciate what is right in front of me.  It’s hard to not constantly move, but we all need the time to enjoy the view. 

Today I am grateful for clarity and boundaries.  There are things I am working to achieve in my life and I finally feel some peace that I don’t need to fulfill some social obligation or offer an explanation if something isn’t aligned with what I need to do.  No one is going to come and save me or present the life I envision for myself—I don’t need to worry about pleasing people who contribute nothing to my arena.   

Today I am grateful for support.  Things happen for a reason, even the delays and the setbacks.  I hate that part if I’m entirely honest, but I know enough that it does happen for a reason.  There are so many times things aren’t going according to plan and I’m struggling to keep my head afloat but I have learned that there are unexpected resources that show up and help us when we least expect it.  We just have to be open to it. 

Today I am grateful for nature.  I’ve needed a lot of deep healing and I’ve been working on different ways to get out in nature lately.  I spent time with my plants, Earthing in my yard, and out on the water.  I still feel an immense energy surging but I am so grateful to have a place to re-evaluate and examine what’s going through in my head.  I’m grateful for the tools that mother nature gives us and to learn how to use them.  Nature is medicine. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

“There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time,” via mindset.therapy.  This is an appropriate follow up to yesterday’s post about holding back our gifts.  Perhaps it’s a bit of a subconscious message to myself about why I’ve been feeling so off lately.  I haven’t been giving enough attention to my personal goals and my spirit knows it.  I’ve mentioned many times that starting a self-improvement journey focused on evolving and letting go of your inhibitions requires radical honesty.  I want to add that, not only do we have to be really honest, we also have to have incredible follow through.  Step one is acknowledging the issue and step two is figuring out what you can do about it and step three is executing.

It is painful to see that the bully and the real reason you haven’t gotten where you want to be is you.  It’s not like we can walk away from ourselves, and there are millions of people who try—addiction to virtually anything, avoiding family and friends, jumping from job to job or place to place.  That often doesn’t work because you are still YOU at the end of the day and that isn’t some baggage you can check—you carry that on at all costs and at all times.  We have to learn to deal with the baggage.  I feel like there is a lot of shame surrounding self-perceived failure.  It’s human nature to want to look like we have it all under control because if we look weak, we create separation.  But we never acknowledge that we ALL FEEL THAT WAY.  We all feel weak at times.  We all fail at something, period.  It’s the come back that is most important.

So, painful or not, the reality is those “painful” feelings will go away.  Embarrassment doesn’t have to be lasting.  Continuing to treat yourself like crap because of some misguided belief can be permanent until you make the choice to stop yourself.  Again, you can’t run from that voice no matter what you do, so learn to get that in check.  It’s a mountain, yes.  But it is worth every sweaty, emotional, step to the top.  Because once you’re out of your own way there is literally no one that can stop you. I also want to acknowledge that people aren’t paying as much attention to you as you think.  Yes, there is a sick habit of pointing out flaws but once you see that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with that other person’s insecurities, it’s easier to brush it off and deal with your own goals. 

I think we also need to get comfortable with the idea that it doesn’t matter what progress looks like as long as we make progress.  Mel Robbins talked about the habit we have to only celebrate something when it is achieved.  Like, you’re only worthy when you cross the finish line.  The truth is we may set a bar for ourselves and we may not reach it, but the real question is, did we get closer?  If we can mark progress then we are already further than those who don’t believe in us. Most importantly, this is all outside interference.  Celebrate yourself for every step you take rather than lamenting how far you need to go.  Each time you speak ill of where you’re at, you chip away at your will to keep going—and that holds you back. So no, there is nothing easy about admitting you’re your own worst enemy.  But if you wouldn’t let someone talk to your friend in a negative way, why the hell do you allow yourself to speak to yourself that way?  Take the time to do the work and then, do something different.  If you can survive as much as you have treating yourself as you do now, imagine what you can do if you simply believed?

“Don’t hide your magic because others feel uncomfortable.  The universe gave you gifts for a reason.  So use them,” Via spiritual goal.  This is one of those things I’ve been preaching about for a long time, I’ve known it intuitively, but I’ve struggled to practice it.  We spend so much time in pleaser mode that when we have the spotlight on us we feel pretty uncomfortable.  When it’s our time to share what we know, we suddenly feel inadequate or fraudulent.  The latter feeling is even more intense when it’s something you haven’t shared before or when you share it with people who normally see you in a certain light. 

Even though I still struggle with being comfortable sharing who I am, there is no denying the value that comes from not only being vulnerable, but from sharing a new perspective.  The only way we can grow is to discuss what we didn’t know before.  No one starts as an expert as I mentioned the other day…so why do we put this pressure on ourselves to perform and to always be perceived in control?  There is so much value in being open and learning from each other.  For a long time I thought it was just ego–if we don’t listen to other people to change our opinion, our opinion is always right.  Then I realized that even if we are right, we don’t always share. 

In Adam Grant’s book, Think Again, he talks about an environment of psychological safety, which is essentially if you feel supported to share new ideas.  That can apply everywhere from our neighbors and friends and family to where we work.  If new ideas are met with disdain or shot down then it isn’t easy to openly express them.  We internalize and shut down.  When new ideas are met with curiosity and seen as an asset, it is far easier to discuss with a group and possibly implement something really innovative.  But if we always wait for the right time and the right environment we may never feel there is an appropriate time to raise the subject.  So we need to find the happy medium and learn to develop enough worth in ourselves to take the risk and share what we know.

With that being said, that is still only addressing our own discomfort.  We need to talk about other people’s discomfort.  The environment of psychological safety mentioned above targeted potential “hierarchical” relationships like an employee to a boss or a child to a parent.  But one of the tricker relationships are those with our peers.  Generally speaking we hang out with the same core group of people because we speak the same, we are motivated the same, and we have the same values.  But when we start to feel like we need something different or those values don’t quite match our own anymore, we start to break apart.  There is a ton of resistance and shame and even ridicule when we become something other than what the group expects of us.  DO IT ANYWAY.

Many times people are afraid of what you’re becoming.  They aren’t comfortable or they don’t know you in that way because they haven’t seen that side of you.  It takes some adjusting on their side too.  Then there are always those who don’t want to see you get better than they are.  In either case, don’t stop.  Their opinions and fears are not yours and just because they can’t see the vision or they don’t see what you’re capable of, that is no reason for you to not propel forward.  THAT is your magic.  And eventually, ignoring the call of your purpose is more painful than learning to express who you really are.  No matter the situation or the people you’re with, the moment is temporary.  Trust me, after years of regretting not taking the chance, you will learn that it is just a moment.  And you will have more regret not saying something than actually saying something.  Don’t hide.  SHINE.

“By allowing ego to take a back seat you do not diminish your identity.  You reveal it as the unimaginable and infinite majesty of I AM,”  Via Deepak Chopra.  There can be a fine line between ego and identity.  We have been trained that our thoughts are absolute truth and anything that goes against our thoughts and beliefs is either dangerous or combative.  The survival mechanism of the brain is what tells us that something is dangerous.  But in our society as time has gone by and the wild cats of yesterday and the mammoths no longer pose a threat, we have equated threats to our identity as threats to our survival.  We need to learn to separate the two.  Your ego is flexible, your identity is less so.  Your identity is tied to your existence and we think our ego is.  Simply put, we fear our ego being destroyed more than our identity—who we really are

If we can let go of all the pretenses and falsehoods we tell ourselves, we find a much simpler truth: we are simple creatures.  Simple but selfish.  That isn’t to say we don’t have the capacity to love and demonstrate compassion and empathy—but that is rarely our go to thought.  We are selfish for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because we fear that we can’t take care of ourselves.  We are trained to make sure we get our share before helping others.  In some cases this is absolutely a necessity.  The old adage that you can’t pour from an empty cup is also true.  However, we learn to fear people as we have continued to celebrate consumer culture.  And we get lost in the consumer identity as we try to keep up with what we are told to want.  We’ve lost the ability to discern what we really need.

It’s a complicated thing to define our identity because we cling so carefully to them.  It’s a delicate balance to not get lost in who we are but to also hold boundaries for what we tolerate in our lives.  The trick is learning to determine what comes from within as opposed to what we are being fed.  That comes from accepting another truth:  we have severed our connection to the very voice inside that tells us what we need in favor of creating the appearance of what is deemed acceptable.  We also incorrectly misinterpret identity as something permanent.  Our identity is a part of who we are but it’s not the whole thing.  We are meant to learn and evolve and that means what we identify with will evolve as well.  Our job is to stay open and test—think like scientists as Adam Grant says.

When it comes to defining who we are, there is a massive letting go of what we think applies to us.  Put simply, we have to learn how we are simultaneously unique but how we are interwoven with the world.  And we need to accept that.  No one operates in a bubble.  No one is devoid of sending out ripples into the world.  The power comes from deciding what we want that impact to be.  It has to be said that ego has created far more negative impacts than identity.  Ego says, “Pursue at all costs and the goal is to be right,” where as identity says, “How can I contribute to this and how can we find a solution?  What is my role in this?”  Identity doesn’t try to be everything—it tries to do its part.

It takes a ton of work to dig down into who we are.  It takes an openness and a willingness to put aside the trivial and to rethink what we believed as true.  There is humility in accepting a part in the results of something as well as seeing your role in turning it around—even in seeing how you may have contributed to a negative result in the first place.  When we declare who we are, we are saying that we have a place and that we are committed to fulfilling it.  There is something bigger than us and we allow it to direct where we go.  The identity we step into determines where we go and it lets us share what we have with the world.  That is far more fulfilling than being able to say you beat the little guy.  Decide and release what you thought you were in favor of who you are.  Be who you are.

“Be gentle with yourself.  You are not a work in progress.  You are a work of art.  A masterpiece from the start.  A never-ending journey of becoming.  Stepping into your highest potential.  Fulfilling the vision that you were brought here for.  It takes time.  Likely messy, And sometimes it feels like you’re moving backwards.  Keep giving yourself space and grace.  To move, to groove, to feel, to lose.  To do, to see, to be.  You are always right on time,” Via Deepak Chopra.  This is simply a post a needed.  I needed to see a reminder that I really am ok.  The chaos in my brain reached peak levels and I honestly brought myself to break down levels.  It’s not like I’ve been unhappy, I want to be clear—I am happy and I have gratitude for where I’m at.  But I have been unfocused and mismanaging my energy and unclear and I let those energies overwhelm me.

I have a complicated relationship with my brain.  Some days we are speaking the same language and we are right on track.  We know what we are doing and there isn’t much that will stop us.  Those days are the calmest, stewing in my own power, content with what is.  But there are days (sometimes weeks) where it feels like I’m a visitor to my body, like I don’t know where I’m at.  I find myself scrounging and searching for meaning again.  That happens most often when I allow myself to get distracted.  And this is where I’ve been squatting for the last few weeks.  I’ve continued to press and push and pry to claw my way forward and it just isn’t happening.  My brain is exhausted and now telling me that it has nothing left to offer for the moment.

Then I saw the message from Chopra.  This was one of the most straight forward signs I have received from the universe.  Just the opening words, “Be gentle with yourself,” gave me enough pause to reconsider my outlook on the energy and pain I’ve been putting myself through the last few weeks.  It has indeed felt like I was moving backwards.  OLD fears became front and center—fears about time and money and death.  Uncertainty reared its ugly head and made a play date with insecurity.  And this little trip was completely unexpected.  It started off innocuously with feeling a little off and by the time I saw what really went down in my brain, I was completely down the slide.  I didn’t even know where I was until I was in the pit.

Life is messy and it isn’t linear.  I love a good line, but even I need reminders that the journey isn’t straight.  At the very least I now know what I need to work on moving forward.  I can’t squirrel off into someone else’s energy because it seems like a good time.  I need to stand firmly on my own two feet.  I need to stop comparing where other people are and do what is right for me and my family.  If I need to step back, I need to take a beat.  And there IS the happy medium: I also know I need to embrace other people and learn to communicate better with them regarding boundaries and clear goals.  Especially those who are further ahead than I am.  I know I can get where I’m going, but I am not where you are now.  And that is ok.    

After a good night’s sleep, I did wake up with more clarity.  I felt slightly more human.  I also acknowledged that I need to get back to taking care of myself and not allowing myself to be distracted by others.  Keep my path.  Keep my focus.  And if it feels like I’m veering off again, reconnect with love.  I used to take a lot of energy from others in order to make myself feel good.  That would look like a lot of people pleasing and seeking outside validation in order to prove my worth.  I can’t do that.  My cup drains completely when I operate from that state and that is not where I want to be.  So when I’m looking for that love energy again, I have to provide it for myself.  I need to remember that I am worthy no matter what others say.  Setting boundaries will not break me.  It will help me define myself. 

With all of that being said, today I make an effort to be gentle with myself.  All of the nonsense that has rattled my brain for the last few weeks will clear out as long as I focus.  So I will take Chopra’s advice and be gentle with myself.  I will give myself grace to acknowledge that I fell off the path and that I need to do a better job.  I will recognize that I can be safe in this moment while also deciding the moves I want to make moving forward.  I will also recognize that I need to move.  The greatest source of my anxiety is my own inaction.  It has been a rough few weeks but I see some light and I want to share that light with you.  If you’re feeling down or concerned, take a minute to evaluate.  Then let go of what you’re clinging to and dip yourself in some love.  The world will look a little brighter from there.