“Be gentle with yourself. You are not a work in progress. You are a work of art. A masterpiece from the start. A never-ending journey of becoming. Stepping into your highest potential. Fulfilling the vision that you were brought here for. It takes time. Likely messy, And sometimes it feels like you’re moving backwards. Keep giving yourself space and grace. To move, to groove, to feel, to lose. To do, to see, to be. You are always right on time,” Via Deepak Chopra. This is simply a post a needed. I needed to see a reminder that I really am ok. The chaos in my brain reached peak levels and I honestly brought myself to break down levels. It’s not like I’ve been unhappy, I want to be clear—I am happy and I have gratitude for where I’m at. But I have been unfocused and mismanaging my energy and unclear and I let those energies overwhelm me.
I have a complicated relationship with my brain. Some days we are speaking the same language and we are right on track. We know what we are doing and there isn’t much that will stop us. Those days are the calmest, stewing in my own power, content with what is. But there are days (sometimes weeks) where it feels like I’m a visitor to my body, like I don’t know where I’m at. I find myself scrounging and searching for meaning again. That happens most often when I allow myself to get distracted. And this is where I’ve been squatting for the last few weeks. I’ve continued to press and push and pry to claw my way forward and it just isn’t happening. My brain is exhausted and now telling me that it has nothing left to offer for the moment.
Then I saw the message from Chopra. This was one of the most straight forward signs I have received from the universe. Just the opening words, “Be gentle with yourself,” gave me enough pause to reconsider my outlook on the energy and pain I’ve been putting myself through the last few weeks. It has indeed felt like I was moving backwards. OLD fears became front and center—fears about time and money and death. Uncertainty reared its ugly head and made a play date with insecurity. And this little trip was completely unexpected. It started off innocuously with feeling a little off and by the time I saw what really went down in my brain, I was completely down the slide. I didn’t even know where I was until I was in the pit.
Life is messy and it isn’t linear. I love a good line, but even I need reminders that the journey isn’t straight. At the very least I now know what I need to work on moving forward. I can’t squirrel off into someone else’s energy because it seems like a good time. I need to stand firmly on my own two feet. I need to stop comparing where other people are and do what is right for me and my family. If I need to step back, I need to take a beat. And there IS the happy medium: I also know I need to embrace other people and learn to communicate better with them regarding boundaries and clear goals. Especially those who are further ahead than I am. I know I can get where I’m going, but I am not where you are now. And that is ok.
After a good night’s sleep, I did wake up with more clarity. I felt slightly more human. I also acknowledged that I need to get back to taking care of myself and not allowing myself to be distracted by others. Keep my path. Keep my focus. And if it feels like I’m veering off again, reconnect with love. I used to take a lot of energy from others in order to make myself feel good. That would look like a lot of people pleasing and seeking outside validation in order to prove my worth. I can’t do that. My cup drains completely when I operate from that state and that is not where I want to be. So when I’m looking for that love energy again, I have to provide it for myself. I need to remember that I am worthy no matter what others say. Setting boundaries will not break me. It will help me define myself.
With all of that being said, today I make an effort to be gentle with myself. All of the nonsense that has rattled my brain for the last few weeks will clear out as long as I focus. So I will take Chopra’s advice and be gentle with myself. I will give myself grace to acknowledge that I fell off the path and that I need to do a better job. I will recognize that I can be safe in this moment while also deciding the moves I want to make moving forward. I will also recognize that I need to move. The greatest source of my anxiety is my own inaction. It has been a rough few weeks but I see some light and I want to share that light with you. If you’re feeling down or concerned, take a minute to evaluate. Then let go of what you’re clinging to and dip yourself in some love. The world will look a little brighter from there.