From what I can tell in the books I’ve read and from what I’ve seen people do, the next step in all of this is action.  I admit this is where I have been stuck previously and this is where I need to fully dive in.  The truth is I’m proud to have made it here because there was a time not long ago that I got stuck simply clarifying what I wanted to do with my life.  Now it’s a matter of learning how to identify what actions it will take to get me where I need to go.  I’ve spent a lot of years spinning my wheels and repeating the patterns.  I’ve also spent a lot of years getting this close and then losing patience with the whole thing.  This is different.  This is where patience comes in—another skill I’m developing.

I used to think that action meant massive leaps where what we know is ripped away from us and we have to leap into the unknown.  There are absolutely circumstances where that happens, yes, but more often than anything, it is the small steps redirecting us toward where we want to go that make the difference.  I read a few pieces lately, one by Martha Beck and another through one of my groups that talked about the 1% change in direction.  Making those minor corrections over time will get you in a completely different place than where you initially intended on going.  So it doesn’t always have to be a massive leap—it can be a small step we take every day.

So that is where I start.  I choose to take one small step toward believing in myself first and then one small step toward showing other people how to do the same every day.  I share my words here and I share on social media and I witness the small shifts in my household as well.  We are working toward major changes through small steps and it feels amazing.  It is so helpful to have someone with me on this journey as well.  It is even more helpful to have the accountability toward others because we can lift each other up through this crazy journey of life.

The truth is, no one has it all figured out, certainly not me.  I just know how I want to be treated and I know the things I want to see in the world: kindness, love, patience, a new way of doing things that works for all.  I logically know we are able to sustain each other and there is no need to fight for anything.  I know it’s all about power and I’m ready to redirect what that power looks like.  I know I want to see people happy and thriving because I know when those needs are fulfilled magic happens.  I know we can change what we do and what this world looks like.  I know it is time to wake up and I am happy to do my part.  So, one small step, every day.    

Gaining clarity.  Getting out of my own way has been the hardest thing for me.  I was raised in between generations where things either went as you planned them (you needed control) and where there was total chaos and you still got where you were going.  I never jumped to one side or the other so I never fully learned to control enough of the outcome and I also never fully learned to leap in and trust.  In between both worlds, I relied on people telling me which way to go as much as I wanted to call the shots.  In either case, I was supported but I didn’t develop enough skill for either side to support myself.  When you’re floating, you don’t have direction for which way to go, either.

My goal is to work on getting some clarity in my life.  I haven’t been very good at declaring anything—whether it is who I am or what I want to do or where I see myself in the future—I’ve always been fairly luke warm in the matter.  That is what I mentioned the other day about the roller coaster.  I’ve held on in my life, constantly waiting for the next drop and always struggling through the climb, feeling like I had no say in the matter.  Feeling like I had no choice but to stay on the ride and allow life to carry me through the ups and downs, nearly falling out if the harness wasn’t tight enough. 

In my life, it has always been the lack of follow through that did me in.  I would start projects with all of the enthusiasm in the world and then part way through I would fizzle out.  I would start to question my abilities and then stop.  And good lord if there was any type of obstacle, I wouldn’t go any further either.  I never learned that adversity was a learning tool.  I always took it as a sign to simply stop.  I never pushed the limits to see where it may take me.  I have things in my life now that I genuinely want to see through.  They are things that excite me and make me curious and make me want to put in the effort and for the first time I can see the lessons as well.  The tough times are when you keep going.  Yes, it may feel like you’re drowning, but you’re learning to swim.

So I’ve started at the beginning with what I want things to look like.  My health, my home, my space, my creative journey and the goals that go with it, and my day to day living.  The things that don’t fit no longer serve and I’m making every effort to phase them out completely.  Things like self-sabotaging my mental health by feeling like I can’t set boundaries at work with my time, or making sure I have healthy alternatives in my house to choose from.  I’m making an effort to spend more time doing the things that feel good like exercising and reading and writing and spending time with my son.  These are slow changes but I’m making sure the effort is lasting.

I’ve mentioned before that if we want to be a light in the world we have to share it.  This doesn’t mean we need to be a perfect shining example all the time.  Rather it means that in doing our best and embracing what we’ve learned and applying what we’ve learned, we can be an example of what aligned effort does.  We can be an example of breaking out of the system and doing what works for us.  We can be an example of finding ourselves and what that means for the world as a whole.  It isn’t about perfection, it’s about making the effort to be a bit better every day.  There truly isn’t any competition in this world—that is all a man made construct at this point.  We are no longer in survival times where being weaker meant death.  No.  We are in times now where we each have something to bring to the table and that is how we survive—by collaborating and sharing what we know. 

Getting clear isn’t just about us.  It’s about serving a higher purpose and looking at things in new ways.  We are nearing the end of a 250 year cycle where we need to incorporate new ways of doing things.  New ways that support the people and put the people ahead of the system.  A new way where our worth is inherent and we appreciate the value in other people’s existence.  That starts by appreciating the value you bring first.  Welcome it, embrace it, be it.  That is how the light gets shared.  I’m releasing the fear and allowing my value to shine through in order to light the way for others. 

We had a hiccup with my mother’s surgery (she is perfectly fine, it was completely human error and misunderstanding) and I almost had a melt down.  We were on our way out there to drop off food and a few other things when my dad called saying the surgery is off and would be happening next week and I panicked.  I’m not off next week, how are we going to find child care and spiralling out from there.  I calmed myself enough when we got to my mom’s house and when I saw here, I could tell she felt miserable about it.  She kept trying to blame the woman who gave her the pre-op instructions but I saw she misunderstood and was really down on herself.  She’s scared still.  I hugged her and tried to let it go.  I had another surge of fear as I didn’t know what to do for next week.  Do I give up the first time I’ve had off with my husband in six years in order to be there next week?  And I realized I can’t give it up—I have been so close to the edge, I need this time to decompress and reset.  I need to trust that all will be taken care of and this is what was meant to happen.

The rest of the afternoon was a bit rough with my son as he has been super needy and the things he wants to do don’t always line up with what we have to do.  Like, he wants to play in the snow when we haven’t found his snow pants or his gloves.  He’s too young to understand that he can hurt himself, so he has tantrums.  He also goes between a million things at once as a normal four year old does.  So I’m dealing with an aging parent, a young kid, a sullen husband (because we don’t know what the plan is), on top of me simply needing to rest.  So I tried my best.  My husband made an awesome grilled cheese dinner and we slowed down to watch some TV and then he went to play video games while I went upstairs with our son.  I laid in bed with my son after reading a bit and watching some trash TV and my boy looked at me and said, “I need you mommy. I need your attention.”.  My heart melted and I realized that I need to be more careful about how I’m spending my time.  Things can wait.

This morning I woke up and I prayed.  I’ve been trying to work out in the morning but today I hit a different mat.  Several things came to my mind.  1. Simplify.  I am trying to do too much at once.  My brain doesn’t know which way to go because of all of the things I’m trying to do.  2. Quiet the mind.  Along with number one, with all of the things I’m trying to do, my mind goes in a million directions and I can’t make sense of what I’m hearing/doing/seeing.  3.  Raw energy.  As I sat on the mat contemplating the busy-ness of my mind, an image of my brain as a giant lightening ball came to mind.  My mind is so sensitive because it’s nothing but raw energy all the time.  I could physically feel the heat in my body as I saw that image as well. 4. Loving myself as is.  Really, where has self-loathing gotten me?  What has self-hatred/punishment/denial done for me?  What if I trusted me?  Believed in my ability to fly over stuffing my home to feel safe?  What if I felt safe in my own skin?   

5. I have skills I need to learn for my side business that will help me with my overall goal.  I need to commit.  Specifically, the thought was, “this business is going to save me.”  It’s time to do the work for it.  6. Working for mental health advocacy.  7. The cards today were about letting go and learning to float.  It is time to let go of the ideas I had in place and simply accept what is.  8. Animal signs with the squirrel.  That was my reference for number 4 when I saw the squirrel jumping in the trees and knowing I had to trust my ability to make it as well.  Squirrels will always represent my father.  9. Two bright red cardinals flew into the same tree as the squirrel and I knew that was my grandparents.  I must always remember that things happen for a reason and that I am connected.  I need to get out of my own way and trust.

So all of this is to say that I am making progress in different ways.  I need to do different things to get different results and I am proud that I recognized that I need this time for me.  This is a great reset.  This is a rejuvenation and a caring about myself in a way I haven’t before.  This is the fulfilling of purpose instead of wandering aimlessly.  And it is trusting that even the things that don’t come true/come through are for a reason.  It is time to let go and float.

Today I am grateful to welcome the New Year.  I am grateful for every day I’ve had so far in my beautiful life and I’m grateful for every day to come.  I normally approach the New Year like the climbing of a roller coaster;  I am excited and anticipating the peak and then I spend the rest of the year on the ride, getting pulled up and down as the ride goes on and then get mad that I didn’t end up where I wanted to.  This year, I accept the ups and downs, but I took the time to figure out what ride I wanted to get on.  I planned more and defined where I want to be.  Granted, life is still a ride so I’m not sure what will come with that, but I know I will d my best along the way.  More YES!

Today I am grateful to learn and set myself up for success.  This year is going to bring a lot of lessons with the goals I have set for myself and I know I need every one of them.  I consider it a beautiful privilege to be in a position to learn like that.  I know the things I’m working on doing are putting me in a position where I can offer and do my best and am so happy.  I am also grateful that I get to put time in putting myself back together.  I feel like I know more of who I am now and it is time for me to put the pieces together in a way that works for me. 

Today I am grateful for purpose-driven, aligned, and authentic work that fulfills my goals.  Not everyone is able to say they love what they do—there are still facets of my life that I wish I didn’t have to participate in.  But I am grateful to learn the lessons from that as well.  Those lessons are where I can put together what works and what doesn’t work for me and that helps me get clarity in my life and share that with you.  We are awakening together and know there is more out there. 

Today I am grateful to find my connection to source again.  It is through source that any one of us reclaims our power and it is through reclaiming power that we fulfill our purpose and help others.  I used to think power was in control and keeping ahead of the situation and making things go exactly as I planned.  It was EXHAUSTING.  I still have control issues, but I am learning to let go and trust.  It wasn’t about claiming my power so to speak, it was about aligning with the power I was given to use for good.  I am grateful to find that source and for my strength to rely on my own wings rather than on other people’s shoulders.  That is authentic power.

Today I am grateful for real love in my life.  I look back over my life and I know I have been loved.  I know I am loved.  The things I’ve been through left me feeling alone for many years but I see now that I haven’t been alone, I’ve been cut off.  I spent years controlling and demanding and that wasn’t love.  I see the unconditional support I’ve gotten from everyone around me and I am grateful—my parents, my friends, my family.  THAT is love. 

Today I am grateful for creativity and the means to express it.  I love to share, I love to speak, I love to write all of this. I am so grateful for the ability to share it and hope that it gets to those who need it.  I am grateful to have a safe space in which to work on these words and to honor the message and feelings that come with it.  I am grateful to have a space that I’ve built myself that welcomes all the people and animals into it.  There is a connection in this room and it is divine.  I love it, I feel love in here, and I feel flow and power in here.

Today I am grateful to let go of the reins.  I’ve had successes in my life and I am grateful for that but I know allowing more will bring me where I am meant to be.  I’ve played it safe in too many arenas and it is time to trust that if I am brought to something, I am meant to go through it.  This is about saying, “Yes,” when I know it is meant for me.  This is about embracing the things in my life that I subconsciously push off by lacking worth.  If I am brought there, I am meant to be there.  I trust I am safe and capable and I am grateful for those reminders.  I am grateful to become the person I must be in order to achieve my goals.

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead.

It has been over 6 years since I’ve had a vacation.  I have taken time off in those years, yes, but it has been to deal with major moments like moving or having a child or being ill.  I didn’t even take time off through losing my second child.  I haven’t taken actual time off for myself for almost 2200 days.  I always thought I was being productive staying plugged in but lately my mind and body have been telling me a very different story.  I’ve needed rest on a deeply spiritual and emotional level. The day to day I used to undertake with ease has felt like grinding gears while pulling a full cart behind me at the same time.  I can’t explain it better than I simply could not go on.

I’ve been talking about feeling off for almost a year now and it still didn’t occur to me that it had to do with the constant push and go.  I started to feel a combination of apathetic (I don’t care if this gets done, I need to watch Instagram) angry (I can’t believe I still have to do this and I don’t want to), and confused (I literally can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing).  It was when I started forgetting things on the day to day that I began to get concerned.  I thought something was wrong with my brain.  Then I started feeling like crap.  With everything my body had been through this year, I expected some changes, but this was different.  This was fatigue so deep I struggled to stay awake during the day…yet I couldn’t sleep at night.  Then the anger started to spread into everything I did and then I got defiant and couldn’t complete anything which perpetuated the cycle.  I knew I was drowning. 

I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about the day I found myself moving listlessly through the house with no recollection of moving between rooms, just highly emotional.  In that moment, I knew with absolute certainty I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I blessedly have everything I need but no motivation to use it, and worse, I’m still not happy.  The pressure was still there, the fear was still there, the anger was still there and I still felt like I didn’t fit into the world I willingly created.  I had a moment of understanding that when you are still miserable after so much good, something IS wrong.  The alignment is still off.  It was a stopping point for me and those were the signs that couldn’t get any louder.  The vehicle needed maintenance so to speak.

I had scheduled this time off nearly two months ago, because healthcare, and then thought I would have to give it up because of my mother’s surgery.  Admittedly, I panicked.  As I said, I haven’t taken time off for myself in a long time and I knew how much I needed it.  I couldn’t give it up because I was about to break.  So I stood my ground and I kept the time off and arranged a shared responsibility with my sister. Then I eased into it.  My body felt under the weather for the first day or so and I simply rested.  That act of aligning with what I needed to do did more for me than pushing through the days have ever done.  On my third day, I picked up my work outs again and I came into my office after and drew some cards.  The cards on the fourth day stuck out.  They were about slowing down and listening to guidance and accepting what is of the highest good to be of service and step into my power.  The universe is speaking.

I have a lot to learn, but what I will share so far is that taking back control of what I want to be doing with my life is incredibly empowering and rejuvenating.  When the soul is so tired it can’t get through the day, that is the universe’s way of reminding us that we are out of connection and out of alignment.  I wish I had listened to these signs earlier, but everything happens for a reason.  We are creatures of action but movement without purpose won’t get us anywhere and I dove headfirst into that distraction again.  Now I know I no longer want to do that.  I’m ready to slow down and live in the moment and do what I need to.  I’m taking these steps on my path for the first time in a long time and it feels right.  I’m not healed yet, I don’t have all the answers, I’m terrified…but I feel better and I have a knowing that this is where I’m supposed to be.  I am grateful. 

I want to talk about gratitude for the past year.  2021 never promised to be any better than 2020 or any year before that, but in the end it was a beautiful year.  I cried a lot and laughed and yes, I got angry more than I should have and I felt a lot of confusion and frustration.  But that means I felt something for my life and the things that were happening.  There was a lot of pain in 2021 but the growth that came out of it made sense.  There is no growth without pain (or at least discomfort) because we wouldn’t move at all if things were always perfect.  We still have a lot of work to do and we can’t rest on our laurels—we are called to make the changes. 

2021 gave me a lot of lessons about making decisions and moving forward while simultaneously letting go.  Let me tell you, for this Type A that has been the hardest part.  Just when you think you have an understanding of something, the universe swoops in and makes it something else.  The biggest lesson in that regard is to create the foundation of the self.  To know who we are—to know who I am.  When we have that solid foundation, the external means nothing.  We are guided to the next steps because we know who we are and we trust in our ability to fly rather than being supported by a false sense of security. 

This year was about letting go.  I’m still working on the emotional component of that in regards to the past as well as control.  But I was definitely able to let go of things.  Again, more work to do on that front since I put a lot of emotional attachment into the life I’ve built, but I released things again and again and said loving goodbyes to my past and some tearful goodbyes too.  But I am grateful to see that it wasn’t about staying stuck there, it was about releasing the idea of what something was.  It was about letting go of the perceived security I had then and embracing the life I’m creating for myself now.  Relying on my own hands, my own abilities instead of hoping someone would always be there to fix it for me or to make me feel better. 

This year was also about self-work.  It was about letting go of the expectation of anyone else to fulfill my needs.  It was about understanding that I am capable and strong and that the idea that people think I can’t do it because of how I look also came from me.  It was about realizing it didn’t matter what they thought anyway—they would think what they wanted to regardless, it was up to me to do what I needed to do, not so much to prove, but to simply move forward with my life.  I spent too long asking for permission when all I needed was to do.  And with self-work, it was about self-love.  My mind reached what felt like the breaking point several times this year and I kept going.  My body was put through the wringer on multiple occasions (both from myself and things that couldn’t be helped) and it kept going.  I am so grateful to have a vessel that supports me and to be able to take care of it. 

I am also grateful for all of the opportunities that came my way.  From the chance to be a mother again and to reconnect with my son after that loss, to buying our home, to the possibilities that opened up both for my family and my career, to seeing deeper into myself about what I truly want in this world and letting go of the guilt that comes with that,  to releasing generational trauma around guilt and purpose, to having fun with my family on the water, to celebrating our first  holiday in our new place, and to reconnect with love again (for self and my family). 

To the New Year, I welcome you and I thank you for the next steps in my life.  I am grateful for the new adventures coming my way.  I am grateful for taking steps to create the life I’m looking for—and the life that is looking for me.  I am grateful for health, wealth, abundance, and happiness.  I am grateful to release and learn and trust and realign—I am grateful for the flow, ease, and peace that comes with that.  I am grateful to connect and I am grateful for action.  I am grateful to share my blessings with the world and I am grateful to open up doors of opportunity and possibility through that expression. 

Wishing everyone a healthy, happy, successful, and prosperous New Year.  May you make 2022 the stuff of dreams and be open to what is meant to be in your life.  Welcome it with open arms.  Happy New Year!      

I’ve had this romantic notion about waking up in my life, of finding who I am, of a sudden epiphany of what needs to be done.  Please don’t mistake me, I have actually had some beautifully connected moments in my life.  I’ve experienced things that are nothing short of intuition, love, and divine action.  Yet, I thought this awakening and those moments of epiphany would stay with me forever. I never knew the amount of work that went into that connection and being fully who I am.  It feels more like keeping my head above water than floating on water most days.  Was I looking for easy?  Not really, but I didn’t anticipate this hard either.  And I guess at the end of the day, nothing worthwhile will come for free.  Even if we are speaking energetically, the act of aligning is painful because we have to give up what we thought we know in exchange for truth.  THERE is the crux of it.  We can’t live in the world of distraction and the world of connection simultaneously. 

Through any change it is only human nature to continue to look for familiarity because subconsciously that is where we are safe.  Not only is it comfortable, it is what we associate with safety.  The act of awakening is safe but it is anything but comfortable.  It is pretty violent if we are honest.  It requires nothing short of razing what we know and getting to the foundation again and then rebuilding.  Yes, I stand by what I said—it is safe to do so and it is necessary.  If we continue on repeating the patterns we know then we will miss out on the greatest opportunities we may have.  I’m 100% guilty of falling back into it; I convinced myself to stay distracted with envy and jealousy and fear because that is familiar ground.  I convinced myself that I needed to commit to the prescribed pattern because it is known. 

I know many of us repeat patterns because it’s what we know.  But what happens when we try to wear those old jeans from high school?  At first we laugh because the idea of putting them on seems hilarious.  We may get a little bit of anger in there as we look at the changes we have gone through.  We see they don’t fit anymore, and more importantly, we feel they don’t fit anymore.  We have a sudden realization that we aren’t that version of ourselves anymore.  And the question becomes do we really want to be that version again? So why do we try to repeat patterns when they are no longer us?  I mean, if you still fit in your high school jeans, kudos, but is that who you really are?  Have you grown in other ways?  We are more than the measure of our pants as we are more than the measure of our thoughts from 10 years ago, or the thoughts from our family.  We are meant to grow.

So when it comes to trying to live in two worlds, we wouldn’t split the roots of a plant between two pots with the stem still in tact.  It would never survive.  And we can’t survive either.  I mean, we can keep it going for a while and many of us wear multiple hats anyway.  But I’m talking about actually thriving and growing.  We can’t do that if we are caught between two ideas of what we should be doing.  If we want connection, we must give up distraction including the thoughts of, “I have to do this,” or, “I should be doing that.”  We need to stay present.  I’m not saying ignore your obligations, but I am asking does the worry help us get through what we need to do any faster?  No. 

Back to the awakening.  This is the next step.  If we want to remember those moments of connection, we have to keep them going.  It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about being with the feeling of wholeness in who we are and being content with that.  That is all we need to do.  Still, easier said than done, I know.  Giving up what we think we know in exchange for the truth is the only way to make it happen.  I don’t claim to be there yet, but I know it’s true.  I know it’s true because as I mentioned earlier, I have been connected before.  I have seen guidance and I have taken it as often as I’ve been stubborn and gone my own way. I know what it feels like to feel supported and to know I’m taking the rights steps and I know how good it feels.  Yes, the awakening may hurt, but the result is something I know is worth every ounce of pain.

It’s different when you’re with people who own their shit and move on.  I’ve lived my entire life anywhere but where I’m at.  Constantly shifting between where I was and where I want to be mixed with how it “should be” or “should have been.”  That is a serious misuse of energy and it leads to some even more serious delusions in the mind.  My family spends a lot of time living in the past and holding onto things without talking about them because we believe it’s the “nice” thing to do.  There are some circumstances where this is absolutely true and it is best to move on.  But the things that affect us deeply, we never learned how to manage and that anger builds up inside like a tinder box.

I’ve always read that the type of people you hang out with influence who we are and I saw this first hand when I spent some time with my husband’s family.  I used to think they were dramatic because there is a different type of relationship and communication with them.  After spending some time with them I see it differently.  They at least express their concerns directly and there isn’t anything held behind the scenes trying to figure out what is wrong with the other person.

The latter behavior provides a sense of peace.  I used to think it was egotistical, like no one wanted to own their crap and were pretending they didn’t do anything wrong.  But the skill is that they are able to express it and move on.  An apology or even no apology speaks for itself and that is it.  Fixating on the situation does nothing to solve it.  Letting it go at least allows them to move on.  They are absolutely present with whatever is going on. That is a key to moving forward that I never saw before.  I mean, presence is important for a lot of reasons, but forgiveness and not harboring is far healthier than holding onto it, hoping that something which can never change will somehow be different. 

I felt envious about it and also a sort of catharsis.  I thought that this might be something that I am able to do as well.  I mean, I know it will take a lot of practice, but it is absolutely attainable.  And the catharsis was in the fact that I can choose differently now and start moving forward.  It may not be with my immediate family as they are who they are—and I can’t change that.  But I can start changing my reactions and dealing with my emotions around it rather than constantly putting it on other people.  There is ownership in that.  That is really living. 

So we can decide if we are going to fixate and stay stuck or imagining things differently.  Or we can learn to move on and accept.  It’s hard but the purpose is entirely different.  I’m not discounting the need for all of us to learn the lessons and apologize when we hurt someone, but we can’t tie our actions to their acknowledgement or denial of our feelings.  Our feelings are our own.  Express them and deal with what comes.  I choose to live in the light and the way to do that is through that kind of acceptance.  Those are the people to be around. Choose your tribe carefully.

“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up,” Muhammad Ali.  I love this for a lot of reasons.  My mother is about to have knee surgery and I feel her anxiety dripping off of her.  It’s not like I don’t understand, it’s an overwhelming experience especially if you haven’t had surgery like that in a while.  Throw in preparations with COVID etc. and it is a scary undertaking.  But I see her and it is a reminder that this is a new beginning for her.  She is waking up.  For so long she kept herself quiet about the pain and she did what she needed to do to get through the day.  Now she is taking a step forward in her life and she is going to start fresh. I think part of her is afraid to let go of the pain because that is all she knew.

It’s a wonderful reminder to all of us that no matter our age, we can always start again.  We can find what gives us purpose and what brings us joy and simply let go of the rest at any time.  The biggest obstacle is ourselves.  It’s our mind and whether or not we are trained to see the opportunity in the obstacle.  Sometimes the greatest results come after the detour.  I know in my family we spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative and even forecasting the negative.  Most of it is out of fear, control and our greatest friend, anxiety.  It’s not like we WANT to be that way, but regardless of the desire, we have to work very hard to see the positive.  So seeing the positive is our way of waking up.

I used to think the world was an extremely unkind place.  I watched as the dreams I had for myself would be dashed over and over again as I wished repeatedly for a peaceful life, a successful life, a secure life.  The reality is, I sacrificed over and over again hoping that would get me what I wanted when in reality, all the universe wanted me to do was to take an opportunity and hold on.  “Pick one,” she said, “I will take you where you want to go but for Pete’s sake, stop letting everything pass you by.” 

I learned that you can’t keep letting things fall out of your grasp and then expect them to return.  There comes a point when it isn’t nobility in hoping for another chance at something.  It’s insanity to keep letting it pass you by.  So it’s time to wake up and seize the moments we have while we have them.  I’m still working on getting clear on this, don’t mistake it, but I know with everything in my soul that it is time to release the martyr act and take the moments that are mine.  They wouldn’t be here if they weren’t meant to be.  I don’t want to hold onto the pain, hoping some day someone will relieve it for me when all I need to do is stop choosing pain. 

And that is a scary undertaking because as I see my mother, her fear about the pain is the same as mine.  I don’t know what my life looks like on the other side.  I don’t know what my life looks like outside of the control to avoid the pain.  I don’t know what life looks like embracing things as they are because I’ve always gotten scared and started controlling again.  All I know is that it still sounds tempting and I want to let go of the control before I let go of all the chances that may come my way.  So as my mother awakens, so does the daughter.  And as she releases her control, so do it.  Together we step into our new selves and we learn to navigate this.  We heal together, her physically, me generationally.  I can make peace with the past and simply move on.

We had my family over the other day and I started talking to my dad about squirrels.  They have ton over by their house and he absolutely loves feeding them and he’s actually gotten quite close to some of them.  I mentioned that we’ve been here for six months and I really haven’t seen squirrels by us.  We have rabbits and chipmunks but not too many squirrels on this side of where we live.  It actually made me a little sad because we had a ton of squirrels near our old place and I’ve been missing their fuzzy little antics.  Plus I thought if my parents ever moved here he would really miss that.  Regardless, I notice their absence.

So I woke up on the first real day of my vacation and did some work in my office a bit later than I normally do.  It was still early, but there was actually daylight.  I had put in a workout in the morning and felt really good and as I sat down, I looked outside because the light was gorgeous.  I saw a fuzzy little tail running along the fence and another one up in the tree.  Sure enough, they were squirrels. My jaw dropped.  I mean, the timing of it was amazing and then to see two of them?! 

I immediately pulled out my medicine card book and there wasn’t anything about a squirrel so I looked it up and it says that squirrels are often a message for us to have more fun.  Specifically we have been taking life too seriously and forgotten that play is essential too.  Yes, they remind us to take care of practical matters as far as preparing for the future, but they want us to lighten what we have taken on unnecessarily and release the clutter.  The part that hit me the most was about how those thoughts are detrimental to our health.  My health in particular has been up and down over the last year and even though I’ve made strides, I have a nasty habit of letting it go to the wayside when other things need to be done.    

How often do we look at play as frivolous?  How often do I remind everyone here that play is one of the most important things we can do to tap into creativity as well as what we need?  And how often do I slip back into old habits and work, work, work?  I mean, I know I’m not alone in that, but I preach it and still forget it.  Regardless.  I’ve felt a different type of burnout throughout this year.  It’s not like the normal burnout where I need a day off or I need to distract myself from something.  This is the type of burnout where I am so physically exhausted that I struggle to move and I am so mentally overwhelmed by the smallest things that I paralyze myself…and then get more overwhelmed because I did nothing.  It’s all mental.  And it’s all the game of doing too much.  Taking on too much without enough focus.  Being pulled in too many directions and feeling uncertain any one of them is correct.

So as I seek joy, I know play is a priority.  I know that yes, practical matters need to be attended to, but not at the sacrifice of my sanity or peace now.  Getting to the breaking point in the present will do nothing for the future any more than doing nothing will.  It’s about balance and I sincerely believe it’s achievable.  The secret is to figure out what balance is for you (me).  It won’t look the same for everyone and it won’t feel the same for everyone.  We simply need to be who we are.  For me, self-care is first on the list.  Right now I have to make sure I am cared for before dealing with anyone else (putting the oxygen mask on myself first) and part of that will be play, or at a minimum, what feels good to me in the moment.  I don’t need a reason for it other than to keep myself sane and healthy.

I am grateful for these fuzzy little creatures in my life.  I’ve run around like a scared rabbit long enough.  There is joy in life.  It’s time to dive into that joy and really embrace it as part of who I am.  The truth is I always thought I needed to be taken seriously by doing serious things.  I mean, I don’t look like your typical professional.  I thought play would damage my reputation since I had been called a bimbo from the time I was a teenager.  Keep in mind I graduated top of my class with highest honors but that didn’t matter as I laughed too loud.  Now I truly don’t give a damn.  I want to embrace life and love and damn it, it is serious enough without making it more complicated.  I WANT to play and have fun.  And clearly the universe wants that as well.  So I’m going for it 😊