It’s different when you’re with people who own their shit and move on. I’ve lived my entire life anywhere but where I’m at. Constantly shifting between where I was and where I want to be mixed with how it “should be” or “should have been.” That is a serious misuse of energy and it leads to some even more serious delusions in the mind. My family spends a lot of time living in the past and holding onto things without talking about them because we believe it’s the “nice” thing to do. There are some circumstances where this is absolutely true and it is best to move on. But the things that affect us deeply, we never learned how to manage and that anger builds up inside like a tinder box.
I’ve always read that the type of people you hang out with influence who we are and I saw this first hand when I spent some time with my husband’s family. I used to think they were dramatic because there is a different type of relationship and communication with them. After spending some time with them I see it differently. They at least express their concerns directly and there isn’t anything held behind the scenes trying to figure out what is wrong with the other person.
The latter behavior provides a sense of peace. I used to think it was egotistical, like no one wanted to own their crap and were pretending they didn’t do anything wrong. But the skill is that they are able to express it and move on. An apology or even no apology speaks for itself and that is it. Fixating on the situation does nothing to solve it. Letting it go at least allows them to move on. They are absolutely present with whatever is going on. That is a key to moving forward that I never saw before. I mean, presence is important for a lot of reasons, but forgiveness and not harboring is far healthier than holding onto it, hoping that something which can never change will somehow be different.
I felt envious about it and also a sort of catharsis. I thought that this might be something that I am able to do as well. I mean, I know it will take a lot of practice, but it is absolutely attainable. And the catharsis was in the fact that I can choose differently now and start moving forward. It may not be with my immediate family as they are who they are—and I can’t change that. But I can start changing my reactions and dealing with my emotions around it rather than constantly putting it on other people. There is ownership in that. That is really living.
So we can decide if we are going to fixate and stay stuck or imagining things differently. Or we can learn to move on and accept. It’s hard but the purpose is entirely different. I’m not discounting the need for all of us to learn the lessons and apologize when we hurt someone, but we can’t tie our actions to their acknowledgement or denial of our feelings. Our feelings are our own. Express them and deal with what comes. I choose to live in the light and the way to do that is through that kind of acceptance. Those are the people to be around. Choose your tribe carefully.