Step Two In The Awakening

Photo by Ali Arapou011flu on

We had a hiccup with my mother’s surgery (she is perfectly fine, it was completely human error and misunderstanding) and I almost had a melt down.  We were on our way out there to drop off food and a few other things when my dad called saying the surgery is off and would be happening next week and I panicked.  I’m not off next week, how are we going to find child care and spiralling out from there.  I calmed myself enough when we got to my mom’s house and when I saw here, I could tell she felt miserable about it.  She kept trying to blame the woman who gave her the pre-op instructions but I saw she misunderstood and was really down on herself.  She’s scared still.  I hugged her and tried to let it go.  I had another surge of fear as I didn’t know what to do for next week.  Do I give up the first time I’ve had off with my husband in six years in order to be there next week?  And I realized I can’t give it up—I have been so close to the edge, I need this time to decompress and reset.  I need to trust that all will be taken care of and this is what was meant to happen.

The rest of the afternoon was a bit rough with my son as he has been super needy and the things he wants to do don’t always line up with what we have to do.  Like, he wants to play in the snow when we haven’t found his snow pants or his gloves.  He’s too young to understand that he can hurt himself, so he has tantrums.  He also goes between a million things at once as a normal four year old does.  So I’m dealing with an aging parent, a young kid, a sullen husband (because we don’t know what the plan is), on top of me simply needing to rest.  So I tried my best.  My husband made an awesome grilled cheese dinner and we slowed down to watch some TV and then he went to play video games while I went upstairs with our son.  I laid in bed with my son after reading a bit and watching some trash TV and my boy looked at me and said, “I need you mommy. I need your attention.”.  My heart melted and I realized that I need to be more careful about how I’m spending my time.  Things can wait.

This morning I woke up and I prayed.  I’ve been trying to work out in the morning but today I hit a different mat.  Several things came to my mind.  1. Simplify.  I am trying to do too much at once.  My brain doesn’t know which way to go because of all of the things I’m trying to do.  2. Quiet the mind.  Along with number one, with all of the things I’m trying to do, my mind goes in a million directions and I can’t make sense of what I’m hearing/doing/seeing.  3.  Raw energy.  As I sat on the mat contemplating the busy-ness of my mind, an image of my brain as a giant lightening ball came to mind.  My mind is so sensitive because it’s nothing but raw energy all the time.  I could physically feel the heat in my body as I saw that image as well. 4. Loving myself as is.  Really, where has self-loathing gotten me?  What has self-hatred/punishment/denial done for me?  What if I trusted me?  Believed in my ability to fly over stuffing my home to feel safe?  What if I felt safe in my own skin?   

5. I have skills I need to learn for my side business that will help me with my overall goal.  I need to commit.  Specifically, the thought was, “this business is going to save me.”  It’s time to do the work for it.  6. Working for mental health advocacy.  7. The cards today were about letting go and learning to float.  It is time to let go of the ideas I had in place and simply accept what is.  8. Animal signs with the squirrel.  That was my reference for number 4 when I saw the squirrel jumping in the trees and knowing I had to trust my ability to make it as well.  Squirrels will always represent my father.  9. Two bright red cardinals flew into the same tree as the squirrel and I knew that was my grandparents.  I must always remember that things happen for a reason and that I am connected.  I need to get out of my own way and trust.

So all of this is to say that I am making progress in different ways.  I need to do different things to get different results and I am proud that I recognized that I need this time for me.  This is a great reset.  This is a rejuvenation and a caring about myself in a way I haven’t before.  This is the fulfilling of purpose instead of wandering aimlessly.  And it is trusting that even the things that don’t come true/come through are for a reason.  It is time to let go and float.

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