The First Steps I’ve Taken

Photo by Reza Nourbakhsh on

It has been over 6 years since I’ve had a vacation.  I have taken time off in those years, yes, but it has been to deal with major moments like moving or having a child or being ill.  I didn’t even take time off through losing my second child.  I haven’t taken actual time off for myself for almost 2200 days.  I always thought I was being productive staying plugged in but lately my mind and body have been telling me a very different story.  I’ve needed rest on a deeply spiritual and emotional level. The day to day I used to undertake with ease has felt like grinding gears while pulling a full cart behind me at the same time.  I can’t explain it better than I simply could not go on.

I’ve been talking about feeling off for almost a year now and it still didn’t occur to me that it had to do with the constant push and go.  I started to feel a combination of apathetic (I don’t care if this gets done, I need to watch Instagram) angry (I can’t believe I still have to do this and I don’t want to), and confused (I literally can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing).  It was when I started forgetting things on the day to day that I began to get concerned.  I thought something was wrong with my brain.  Then I started feeling like crap.  With everything my body had been through this year, I expected some changes, but this was different.  This was fatigue so deep I struggled to stay awake during the day…yet I couldn’t sleep at night.  Then the anger started to spread into everything I did and then I got defiant and couldn’t complete anything which perpetuated the cycle.  I knew I was drowning. 

I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about the day I found myself moving listlessly through the house with no recollection of moving between rooms, just highly emotional.  In that moment, I knew with absolute certainty I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I blessedly have everything I need but no motivation to use it, and worse, I’m still not happy.  The pressure was still there, the fear was still there, the anger was still there and I still felt like I didn’t fit into the world I willingly created.  I had a moment of understanding that when you are still miserable after so much good, something IS wrong.  The alignment is still off.  It was a stopping point for me and those were the signs that couldn’t get any louder.  The vehicle needed maintenance so to speak.

I had scheduled this time off nearly two months ago, because healthcare, and then thought I would have to give it up because of my mother’s surgery.  Admittedly, I panicked.  As I said, I haven’t taken time off for myself in a long time and I knew how much I needed it.  I couldn’t give it up because I was about to break.  So I stood my ground and I kept the time off and arranged a shared responsibility with my sister. Then I eased into it.  My body felt under the weather for the first day or so and I simply rested.  That act of aligning with what I needed to do did more for me than pushing through the days have ever done.  On my third day, I picked up my work outs again and I came into my office after and drew some cards.  The cards on the fourth day stuck out.  They were about slowing down and listening to guidance and accepting what is of the highest good to be of service and step into my power.  The universe is speaking.

I have a lot to learn, but what I will share so far is that taking back control of what I want to be doing with my life is incredibly empowering and rejuvenating.  When the soul is so tired it can’t get through the day, that is the universe’s way of reminding us that we are out of connection and out of alignment.  I wish I had listened to these signs earlier, but everything happens for a reason.  We are creatures of action but movement without purpose won’t get us anywhere and I dove headfirst into that distraction again.  Now I know I no longer want to do that.  I’m ready to slow down and live in the moment and do what I need to.  I’m taking these steps on my path for the first time in a long time and it feels right.  I’m not healed yet, I don’t have all the answers, I’m terrified…but I feel better and I have a knowing that this is where I’m supposed to be.  I am grateful. 

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