Ever notice how we have the tendency to stay where things get pretty yucky?  The familiarity makes it easy so we do what we need to do…but we don’t often look at the cost.  I know I’ve been guilty of hoping that things will turn around and go the way I want them to and of falling in love with the potential over the reality.  That is where most of us tend to get into trouble: we always hope it will get better even if we know that we can’t change a damn thing about those involved.  Free will is a beautiful thing and it is a manipulation of energy if we hope to have others see and behave as we want them to.  The reality is, as painful as it may be, we have to accept people as they are.  At least at that point we know what we are working with. 

The other side of this is for those of us who have struggled with mental health in the aspect of self-acceptance.  We feel the compulsion to have people accept and validate us because we don’t know how to do that on our own.  We weren’t taught those skills of propelling ourselves forward and doing the work for our own benefit: we need the security of people telling us we are ok and doing the right thing.  We want to know that no matter what we do someone will be with us.  So we bend and break and hurt ourselves making that identity acceptable to others so we aren’t alone.  It’s like living multiple lives depending on who the audience is. 

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the circumstances going on at her job and her decision to leave where she’s been for the last seven years.  She mentioned she had a brief moment of wanting to stay where she was at because she knew the routine and the area and she didn’t want to leave her co-workers in a bind.  We discussed the current state of her role and she mentioned that there was always a bigger picture there but it had failed to launch for the last several years—she has grown tired of waiting for it.  Patterns exist to keep people where they are and she had grown impatient with looking for a future that wouldn’t come because every time they got some traction, something pulled them right back where they were.  I told her it was the same with most things in life and when we see we are getting hurt from continuing the pattern, it is time to go.

I saw a pattern in my own life: constantly running around the mountain telling people how to do things instead of focusing on my own path.  I saw myself staying with people who constantly spread the kerosene while I tried to hold the match away.  And I realized in that moment that I’m the one getting burned.  In those circumstances (which we all face) we have a choice: continue to hold the match and get burned or drop it and walk away.  If we stay, the fire will consume us, too.  We have to trust that at some point we’ve done all we can, and when we are hurting ourselves more than our message is getting through, it is time to walk away.  When we realize the energy doesn’t match ours, it’s time to pivot and go where we belong.  There are certain things we are simply not meant to save.   

It is ok to walk away from things that no longer serve.  There is a time and place to do your part, even if it means a bit of self-sacrifice, but there are lines.  When those boundaries are continually crossed, it’s time to evaluate the situation and decide if it’s enough or if it’s something to push forward with.  Letting go of the familiar can be scary but that is where growth is and if the familiar is causing more harm than good, it’s time to go anyway.  The approval you seek isn’t going to come.  The love you want isn’t going to come in the way you think it will—at least not from that person.  So the advice: drop the match.  Learn to let go when the choice to stay hurts you more than leaving.  It will be well worth the sacrifice because if it comes down to you over them, choose you every time.  You are not responsible for their happiness and comfort, you are responsible for your own.

Today I am grateful for clear communication.  I’ve never hidden the struggles in my life and in my relationships.  When you’re a recovering people pleaser, it takes time to develop enough sense of self to function properly in relationships and to know how to reciprocate.  This morning I had a beautiful conversation with my husband.  A challenging one (quite frankly it’s been a sticking point our entire relationship), but we approached it differently.  We spoke about it and honestly started weighing options.  And then I left it with him.  There are things he needs to do that are his alone to work through, but we communicated well and honestly and it felt good to have that openness.

Today I am grateful to let go of what isn’t mine.  Following the first point, I am glad to stop carrying the weight of what isn’t mine.  I can’t give my husband the answers he is looking for and it isn’t my responsibility to do that.  It’s my job to help him find those pieces he’s looking for, not to create them for him or to cut them from myself.  Our job isn’t to complete each other, it is to find that completeness of who we are and to bring that to the table.  It has taken over two decades together to understand that, but I am grateful.   

Today I’m grateful to learn lessons unexpectedly.  I’ve been rebuilding a ton of Lego sets that got destroyed in our move—and from my son being five and unable to contain his curiosity 😊.  I realized that finding the pieces for these sets is more challenging that I thought it would be, however, they are all there.  I’ve been able to find those tiny pieces amongst thousands of others.  Yes, it has been time consuming and even a little painful, but I’ve found what I was looking for.  And for some reason, that gives me a lot of hope about the bigger picture.  It may seem at times that we will never find what is missing.  But with determination we can always find it.

Today I am grateful to take care of myself.  I’ve needed to take a step back from the last few months and really take perspective on what has been happening.  We’ve been dealing with some unexpected health issues in the family and we’ve had to step up into taking care of our own mess in a new way.  The latter portion isn’t a negative thing by any means, it’s actually quite welcome.  It has brought my husband and I to the same page and now we know that we have choices to make as far as how we move forward.  This is how we know life is our own: the results of our actions are ours alone to deal with.  There is no more avoiding it. 

Today I am grateful for the unspoken understanding…of life.  I wasn’t feeling well for a bit this afternoon and I knew I needed to rest immediately.  As I dozed on the couch, my cat hopped up and laid next to me.  He hasn’t rested with me in a week or so and I had been missing him.  But having that silent support and acknowledgement from my fuzzy beast made me feel really good.  The animals always know when something is off.  I tm ay seem silly, but knowing he was there felt amazing.

Today I am grateful for fun.  It’s Super Bowl time in a few minutes and I am so grateful to simply make some snack food and hang out with my family.  It’s needed.  I’ve had the pedal down full tilt for weeks now and it is nice to literally take an afternoon to do nothing.  Simply rest, relax, have some fun, and enjoy the game.  Being here in this moment, especially feeling better than I was a bit ago, is what is important.  Having fun with those I love is what matters. 

Wising you a wonderful week ahead!

“Ever loved someone so much you would do anything for them?  Yeah, well make that someone yourself and do whatever the hell you want,” Suits.  People will see you doing the work and try to bring you down.  They will see you taking care of yourself and call you selfish.  They will see your actions as self involved and petty.  NONE of that matters.  Those are the people who have no idea the depths you’ve been to in order to repair yourself.  Do not allow yourself to fall into old patterns and try to please your way out of their discomfort.

When it comes to the mental health journey, people will pigeon hole self work and building a foundation as selfish.  The truth is the people working on their mental health have already spent so much time sacrificing who they are for others that they need to learn how to be self-sufficient.  People who have given up their purpose in favor of others or in order to get what they need from others often don’t know what it’s like to create something for themselves.  They don’t even know how to identify themselves to figure out what they want or need.  They are told that doing anything for themselves is wrong.  Taught to deny what they are feeling or what they need in favor of what someone else wants.  Sometimes this happens in really toxic relationships and that can be any relationship…

Learning to be self-sufficient isn’t about cutting other people out (unless they are harmful) or ignoring their needs.  It’s about no longer prioritizing their needs.  If someone demands you constantly give more than you get, that may be a person who needs to go.  In order for us to fulfill our purpose and serve how we are meant to, we need a full cup.  We are so trained to run on empty that it feels awkward to have the surplus (whatever it may be—energy, time etc.) when we are meant to put that to good use.  And it isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. 

I’ve spoken over and over again about the need to know who you are.  Jumping from thing to thing looking for praise is a damn good way to get lost.  Any external validation can be taken away as we know, and when we hang our hat on that type of energy, it goes away as quickly as it comes.  That is why it is so important to have a solid foundation.  When you know who you are with unshakeable faith, you’re able to move differently.  You know what you would do in any scenario.  You don’t need to fatalize or dramatize in your own head, you are able to simply be.  That isn’t selfishness, that is the ability to fulfill your purpose.

Don’t ever love someone more than you love yourself.  Don’t ever allow the outside opinions of people who still need to do the light-work set the tone of indifference or pain or doubt in your mind.  Continue on your path, continue building yourself up so you don’t have to take bricks from other people.  Make yourself so solid that those words, those opinions don’t matter.  Just continue being the light you are and live your life with the utmost purpose you can muster.  Somedays that means just getting out of bed.  Other days it means you can take on the world.  No matter what, that is fine. 

“Never Confuse a single defeat with a final defeat,” F. Scott Fitzgerald.  If we are going to believe that it isn’t too late to go for what we want, then we must understand the process of learning and the role of failure.  We must learn that success isn’t based on consecutive wins.  It’s based on incorporating the lessons we learn from all of our life experiences.  If we were to stop the first time something didn’t go as planned, we would never get anywhere.  The world would be filled with millions of started projects and no completion, no follow through.  The point isn’t to rack up accomplishments, it’s to learn what we can from all of our experiences.

The human mind is resilient and it is also curious.  That curiosity isn’t what makes us stop something.  In fact, it is what keeps us going.  It is our training that makes us believe that if we don’t succeed on the first try that we have to stop.  Even worse, our training makes us believe that we need to be perfect before we even try. That was something that stopped me before I started for a long time. It is our belief that we must be perfect before sharing with the world that holds us back.  We are honestly gifted endless opportunities to start over—we literally are able to decide on something new each moment we are alive.

I want to add that I’m guilty of starting things and not following through.  I’ve had a million excuses from things not being what I thought they were to feeling taken advantage of to literally not having enough hours in the day because I was over committed.  So that was another lesson…only say yes to the things you want to do.  But what I want is to remind people that there is beauty in learning, not in checking off a list.  I wrote a piece about a year ago (maybe longer) about living life as a series of things to be completed.  What happens when you check-list everything?  You die.  So we need to find the value in the things we do otherwise it’s all just activity.  We’ve all felt like part of a machine before and that is no life.  We need lessons and growth and dynamic living and interaction and cooperation and we need to meld it all together into the messy beauty that is living.

As long as we have breath in our bodies, we have the ability to turn things around.  Nothing is final until death and even then, our energy keeps going.  I want to caveat that we often confuse defeat with pain and that is because our success is tied to ego.  We think we can’t show our faces again when the truth is the world needs to see our progress.  We need to normalize the humanity of imperfection and the beauty in creation—which sometimes means going through crap repeatedly until it comes out right.  When we tie pain or whatever other emotion we experience to purpose filled results, that gives us the drive to keep going.  There is nothing that stops us except our own mind.  No may not be a no…it may be a not now.  Or it may be an adapt and try again.  Or it may be this isn’t right, do what is your calling.  So don’t confuse the issue.  The world needs what you have to share no matter how messy it is.  In fact, we may need that more because it is honest.  Share it all.

There is still time for you to be all that you want to be. I’ve lived with a really messed up notion of time for most of my life.  I’ve shared those stories here.  Over the last month we’ve had quite a bit of upheaval between family disputes, health issues, care issues, timing, and work.  The reality is we’ve come face to face with mortality and the time we have left and recognizing that we need to get on track with what is calling to us.  The things we want to do will not do themselves and they will not magically appear in our lives.  We have to get in line with what we are looking for, we have to be who we are meant to be before it is too late.

I’ve put so much pressure on myself over the last few weeks to be me.  To find me.  To do all the things because of the self-imposed turmoil of one person’s opinion.  I’ve been scrambled and I’ve wasted a month of my life running circles around how to resolve this image I’ve created in my head of what I need to do to fix other people’s opinions.  I’m done with that.  Sometimes when we are running and have no end in sight, the best thing we can do is simply stop.  I’m hitting the brakes.  I’m looking at what matters to me and the timing of my life.  Yes, we are dealing with very real issues and concerns, but that doesn’t mean my life is over.  My time is still beginning.  Yes, that does mean what I’ve known, a way of life IS over.  But there is so much more to write.

I’m feeling that call as well.  I’m tired of talking about these changes—they’re beautiful and I’ve taken steps.  But it’s time to let go of everything else.  It’s time to get quiet enough to hear what I need to do in order to fulfill my goals.  I let the thought of someone shitting on my dream stop me before I even go for it.  How messed up is that?  We are meant to live this life.  We have gifts we are meant to express and share and if we hold back for fear of what we think of someone else’s potential opinion, we are depriving our calling an dour nature as well as what we are meant to bring to the world.  There is time.  There is purpose.  It is now.

“Stop worrying about what they are thinking about, what they are talking about. Worry about what you think about you about what you’re saying to yourself what you’re doing with your life.”  BAM.  Again, the serendipity of the universe comes in.  Just as I was talking about being disappointed in myself for choosing work over my son and wondering how to change that habit, this message pops up from Radhi.  I’ve been so preoccupied with proving I could handle my job , that I’m worthy of my job, that I’m good at my job, that I can balance my personal life and my professional life that I didn’t stop to think about what I wanted.  I cared more about the image my boss had of me than what I thought about myself. 

My boss has a really kind heart but she is absolutely driven by business.  She pulls no qualms about hours away from her family and doing what needs to be done.  I struggle with that because I’m not out to impress a community or to attain a certain status in the medical world…I’m there to help people and do my job.  But my life isn’t my work, yet it’s this complicated thing where I know I need the work to support my life.  I know I need to “have it together” in order to sustain where I’m at.  Plus I was trained that you have to do as you’re told, especially what your boss tells you.  I’ve always been conflicted because it never made sense to me.  I started out working extremely hard for this company and trying to get through as much as I could in a day.  Yes, I worked my way up a bit but it didn’t get me anything.  I have always still been under someone.  I’ve always had to worry about what they thought of me in order to get where I wanted to be.

Again. Radhi comes along with the answer.  These aren’t people who will take care of my family for me.  They would replace me in a heartbeat if something happened to me.  Their thoughts are just that: their thoughts.  It has no impact whatsoever on my life.  How I show up for my family, my son, my friends, the work I want to do, THAT is what matters.  How I show up for my life is what matters, not someone else’s idea of how I should show up to work on their dreams.  I have a life to live, and it’s my life.  It isn’t theirs.  Why should their input have any say whatsoever in what you do with your life?  An opinion has no bearing on what actions you take unless you let it.  Don’t give their thoughts weight they don’t deserve. 

I may not be the best advocate for sticking by such a bold statement—I’m human and I let a ton of things get to me.  But I’m aware enough to know I need to work on it.  It may take me some time but I know the direction I need to go in is my own and not what someone tells me.  More specifically, I need to know that direction on my own rather than base it on what I THINK they think.  It doesn’t matter.  How do I feel about me?  How do I see me?  Where do I see me?  What do I see myself doing?  These are the things that make the difference.  How I act on those answers is where the meat is.  Nothing else.  So, regardless of what someone else needs, it is ok, it is necessary to focus on how the exchange will impact you.  Obviously I’m not talking about a life and death situation, I’m talking about those day to day things that we tend to let chip away at us.  They are insignificant until we let them chip every day.  That we can stop. 

No one ever said change was easy.  It’s why we fall back into the patterns of familiarity so quickly, sometimes so seamlessly we didn’t even realize we were back where we started.  Often times when we are on the precipice of something great, on the edge of the truth that is meant for us, we are drawn back deeply into the place we used to be.  I don’t know if there is some cosmic GPS we are born with that locates us and tries to pull us in, but I know it happens.  I know whenever I’ve been trying to do something new, all of the old rises to the surface. 

I’ve been heading a large project at work the last few weeks and we went live this past week.  My mother is still recovering. I’m not 100% comfortable where I’m at.  I’m out of body a lot and seeking comfort as far from my mind as I can get it.  So I had a moment of failure.  My son woke up complaining about knee pain (he has a history) but I thought he had simply slept funny so I brought him to my parents like I normally would because I had to get to work…I always have to work.  I got there and did my song and dance to touch in with everyone before I had to bring my son to school so I felt tired and frustrated because my husband was supposed to take him but couldn’t.  Either way, I left and picked up my kid and saw that he was still limping…this was six hours after I dropped him off and some pain reliever.  By the time we got back to our place to pick up his school stuff he could barely walk and he screamed when he tried to take the stairs. 

I felt like a deer in headlights.  I couldn’t make heads or tails of where I was going or where I needed to be.  I knew what my calendar looked like, there was a meeting waiting for me at 1pm, I didn’t feel I could stay off of work again because of the hours I’d been putting in, I didn’t feel I could call my son out of school again because of the time he missed with my mother being off, we were all the way at home (a 50 minute drive from work), and we were alone.   I’m not happy to admit it, but I chose work.  my kid was genuinely in pain and I made myself believe I had to work.  I’ve been trying to prove that I’m stable and capable and that the outside doesn’t bother me…but it does.

I called my husband and he met me where I work and took our kid to a walk in/emergency ortho clinic.  Over the last month I’ve had to separate from my son a lot—taking care of him, my parents, work, everything has pulled me in a million directions.  It’s really hard to make him do things he doesn’t want to do or make him go places he doesn’t want to go.  I remember that feeling as a child, not knowing how to play with other kids, feeling lonely…and here I am shutting the door on a car for him to be taken somewhere he isn’t familiar with while he is crying for me.  And then I can’t even help him feel better when he is hurting.

I will be frank that I don’t know how to resolve this, but I do know that I don’t ever want to feel that again.  I don’t ever want to be in that position again.  I don’t ever want to choose work over my family.  Yes, it led to consequences at work and different pain points with keeping up, but what are they doing for me?  They would replace me in a heartbeat.  My kid only wants his mom.  I am his only mom and I only get to do this journey once.  I had a conversation with one of the trainers on the project we launched and he told me, “Your kid may not understand this now but he will someday.  It’s all for him.”  And that honestly was comforting because someone saw the effort I’m putting in.  It eased the sting but it doesn’t change the fact that he needs me now.  So, when we know something needs to be addressed but we don’t know how…what do we do?  We take one little step in the direction of where we want to be.    

“The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not you.  A lot more will make sense after that,” via universe.inside.you.  This is an appropriate follow up to the discussion on Greenlights. I spoke about the cages we put ourselves in and the cages we stay in when we are clearly meant for something else.  When we clearly hear that call telling us to take the giant leap out of the box we feel obligated to stay in.  If we are to talk about freedom, the first step realistically is to know who we are and what freedom is to us.  I’ve had this vague idea that I’ve shared in my work over the last year, but I haven’t really ironed it out.  One thing I’ve learned in the books I’ve been working through in this time is that you have to know who you are and you have to be really clear on the intent in order to figure out where you’re going.  Once you have that defined, the road map kind of lays itself out.

I have to say there are still facets of myself I’m still learning at this age.  There are days it feels like my brain wants to split in two because I feel like I’m living multiple lives at the same time.  It is a disorienting feeling.  I put the pressure on myself to do all of the things I want to do, and now that I’ve started them, I don’t know how to put them down in order to focus on one thing at a time.  I’ve already created an illusion abut who I am and I called it a vision.  That doesn’t mean for a second that 1. Any of what I’ve said isn’t true or that 2. I don’t have value in all of the things.  I’ve learned that it means I’m incredibly impatient and really crappy at time management and I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to do it all.  I’m a great over extender.  Throw in some ADD and suddenly I’m the plate spinning rather than the one spinning the plate.  It often does feel like I’m about to fall.

I’m still working through some loneliness around this.  All of the things I’ve set out to do I genuinely want.  Yes, that does make it my responsibility to see it through because I’m passionate about all of it.  However, when there are people who don’t understand how your brain works, all they see is someone flippant, flighty, and non-committal.  It’s distracting to them and to you and they can’t help but turn away—if you don’t know what you need, it ISN’T their responsibility to tell you either. Yes, they could be supportive enough to help you work through that part or at least tell you, but it isn’t their job to tell you what you need on your journey.  Even understanding that, it feels lonely.  When you over commit, you spend a lot of time alone because you’re in the trenches of everything.  For me, it’s like that at home and at work—my job is the best example because I oversee three completely unrelated areas and they are small teams so getting them stood up requires knowing each area and being able to pivot at any time to support them.  It’s an environment designed on distraction and high propensity for failure.  I know I’ve personally felt like a failure at least 40 times this week alone. 

But maybe it’s reading the book or maybe it’s me growing up because I really did start to question if I would feel this way if I knew myself better or if I would have this compulsion to do a million things at once if I were more secure in who I am.  I think of all the time I’ve wasted running between the spinning plates and it absolutely breaks my heart—I’m a broken record about that.  But I still haven’t figured out how to stop.  I WANT to.  I KNOW I need to.  I literally can’t get past it.  It’s 100% my own brain, there is no mistaking that.  But I am in so deep that I don’t know how to let go now.  What does this have to do with the opening quote?  EVERYTHING.  The way to stop is to be with myself for a bit.  It’s to take the journey inward for a while and really find the patience to see who I am. 

We sometimes create another person’s standards or think we know how they see us when in reality we are projecting our insecurities of ourselves THROUGH them onto ourselves…it’s our own beliefs that we attach to someone externally.  So maybe the opening message is really for ourselves.  Once we understand we can’t be anyone other than who we are, life will get easier.  We can more clearly differentiate between who we are and what we are meant to do versus what we are told.  We are all here for a purpose.  I’ll admit I’ve gotten caught in the weeds with that.  I always thought my value was determined by how much I brought to the table, a constant game of proving I deserve to be there.  Once I let those illusions down, I saw there was something else.  And you will too.  So start looking at who you are and allow the pieces to fall where they make sense in your life…no one else’s. 

Today I am grateful for support I’ve gotten over the years.  There are days I feel lonely but I know that over time I’ve been granted the gift of people who have understood me and they saw where I was going.  I’m grateful for the cheerleaders I’ve had in my life, even if they were telling me I’m an idiot.  I’m grateful for the support I don’t see, the protection and the love.  I’m grateful to also be given the reminder that I need to support myself.  As scary as life can be sometimes, we always need to be in our own court.  Our belief is stronger than anything and we need to love ourselves, become our biggest fans, and encourage ourselves to take the steps forward when we feel we can’t get out of bed.  Be kind.  And remember to be kind to ourselves as well.

Today I’m grateful to plant my feet again.  My mind is a dangerous place to be sometimes as it wanders and floats between so many things that I’m often not as present as I should be.  But the last few weeks have taught me the important of presence—whether I like what is happening or not—and how to stay in the moment.  The present moment is all we can deal with, nothing else exists as Eckhart Tolle says.  All we have is now, and that is enough.  I know how much time I’ve wasted wishing I was somewhere else or remembering something long gone and for each time I wasn’t focused on where I was, I missed it.  That presence became a memory that I can’t remember.  So.  It’s about taking what is and simply being.

Today I’m grateful for a reality check.  I’ve never hidden my faults or flaws or the troubles I’ve had and the difficulty I have with people—including my husband at times.  Yesterday I had a dark moment and I was alone with my son.  My husband was with the neighbors helping on a project and the wives were apparently together as well.  It has been made clear that they don’t want to accommodate me with my son—and that is ok, we are at different points in our lives.  That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  I see my husband able to merge with this group and I still feel on the outside.  I mean, mentally I was down, and it was easy to see that not one person wanted to step in and help that.  I’m not looking for anyone to fix it, but to at least offer some support.  So it’s a matter of finding my tribe—and I am grateful for that.  Sometimes you have to accept it and we lose people we thought would be there forever.  But it’s part of it all and the sooner you accept it, the easier it is to move.

Today I’m grateful for allowing.  When we accept reality, all we can do is allow what is to unfold.  It is NOT about making things go our way or being sad when they don’t.  It’s about setting your boundaries and sticking with them.  The saying goes, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  I read a study the other day about why relationships fail after 3-4 months.  They said it si because that is how long people can keep up an illusion—that is how long they can put on a show before their true colors show.  Over my time I’ve ignored many a red flag.  But moving forward, that isn’t an option, not if I want to build a life.

Today I’m grateful for the simple joys in life.  I relish in being able to replenish with my family, especially after a tough week.  I’m not 100% sure what the issue has been—I mean, it’s a combination of things—but I’ve felt so angry.  I’ve felt off.  I’ve felt abandoned and alone.  I’ve felt unheard.  But I still appreciate finding the little joys.  I still appreciate some time to myself.  I appreciate recognizing that I have the opportunity to find the good.  For me that’s taking time with my family—even if they are the ones driving me crazy at times.  I enjoy remembering that there is love even on the days it doesn’t look like it. 

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.

I’ve been thinking a lot about freedom lately.  What it means.  What it feels like.  What it is to each of us.  Why we still feel trapped even with all of the opportunities that we have.  This is also the journey of mental health.  Sometimes when you’re a little stuck, you have beliefs that don’t jive with how you really feel (even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time) and you don’t move forward.  You keep yourself in a state of misunderstanding and don’t see why you’re there.  You can’t see past your own cage.  But this is also a cruel irony because we are often put in that cage and told that’s where we belong so we never bother looking for a way out.  Other times we are too scared to leave for whatever the reason may be.  Telling someone in a state of fear (especially someone who has been that way a long time) that they are able to step out of the cage all on there own isn’t something they can process.

I’ve been reading Matthew McConaughey’s book, Greenlights and it is absolutely fascinating to me.  I’ve never really been a fan of the actor—not that I have any complaints about his work or any room to judge at all—but his work isn’t something I actively seek out.  That changed when I saw this book.  I knew nothing about him other than he has a friendship with Woody Harrelson and he’s done some decent work in his days.  But this book.  As soon as I saw it I picked it up.  That isn’t unusual for me when it comes to reading material—I always follow my instincts with that 😊—but I was surprised it was THIS book.  I’m about half-way through it now and I am captivated.  Learning about how this man has lived his life, the adventures he’s taken, the things he’s done that encompass my definition of freedom have touched something in my core.

McConaughey describes his life and the adventures he’s had as well as demonstrates his perseverance and commitment to himself and his policy on livin’.  The idea of living life as an adventure is something I dream about nearly every day.  The time freedom and the capacity to go wherever I want on a whim and to see the world, really experience the world is something that takes a huge space in my mind.  The other aspect of that commitment to self is what really speaks to me.  McConaughey clearly knows who he IS.  There is no question about his foundation.  And he has no fear about being that person or any compunction about displaying that person.  That is the type of person I want to be: so fearlessly centered in who I am that walking away or running toward something doesn’t bother me because I know in my soul it is the right thing to do.  No question.

His entire concept of Green lights is fascinating as well.  It’s actually something I’ve talked quite a bit about in my own work, I just didn’t explain it the same way.  It’s that state of flow, it’s that knowing, it’s that alignment, it’s being where you are supposed to be—and knowing you’re supposed to be there. It’s that taking your hands off the wheel and just…livin’.  I’ve been graced to experience that a few times in my life.  It literally feels like a summer day.  McConaughey actually describes it like that as well—he says, “It’s like walking barefoot on a summer day.”  We all seek the ease of that feeling.

So why do we put the pressure on ourselves to stay in the cage?  Is it merely the familiarity and the social conventions?  Or is it that we aren’t taught to develop that type of relationship with ourselves?  I’m not sure.  From the stories I’ve been reading in this book, it seems like his relationship with his parents was foundational in accepting himself.  At moments, however, it seems like that was never a question regardless—he was born with an innate knowing of who he is.  The thing is we all are.  We all are born that way but we start to forget it as they close the cage around us.  Hell, even if it’s open, we still forget that we have the ability to leave.  I don’t have the answer to that at the moment, but it’s something I’m working through.  For now, I’m listening to the message and I’m taking the parallels in the messages I’m reading as a green light that I’m on the right path.  I’m taking the alignment I can find and embracing it.  One. Step. At. A. Time.