It Directs You

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“The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not you.  A lot more will make sense after that,” via  This is an appropriate follow up to the discussion on Greenlights. I spoke about the cages we put ourselves in and the cages we stay in when we are clearly meant for something else.  When we clearly hear that call telling us to take the giant leap out of the box we feel obligated to stay in.  If we are to talk about freedom, the first step realistically is to know who we are and what freedom is to us.  I’ve had this vague idea that I’ve shared in my work over the last year, but I haven’t really ironed it out.  One thing I’ve learned in the books I’ve been working through in this time is that you have to know who you are and you have to be really clear on the intent in order to figure out where you’re going.  Once you have that defined, the road map kind of lays itself out.

I have to say there are still facets of myself I’m still learning at this age.  There are days it feels like my brain wants to split in two because I feel like I’m living multiple lives at the same time.  It is a disorienting feeling.  I put the pressure on myself to do all of the things I want to do, and now that I’ve started them, I don’t know how to put them down in order to focus on one thing at a time.  I’ve already created an illusion abut who I am and I called it a vision.  That doesn’t mean for a second that 1. Any of what I’ve said isn’t true or that 2. I don’t have value in all of the things.  I’ve learned that it means I’m incredibly impatient and really crappy at time management and I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself to do it all.  I’m a great over extender.  Throw in some ADD and suddenly I’m the plate spinning rather than the one spinning the plate.  It often does feel like I’m about to fall.

I’m still working through some loneliness around this.  All of the things I’ve set out to do I genuinely want.  Yes, that does make it my responsibility to see it through because I’m passionate about all of it.  However, when there are people who don’t understand how your brain works, all they see is someone flippant, flighty, and non-committal.  It’s distracting to them and to you and they can’t help but turn away—if you don’t know what you need, it ISN’T their responsibility to tell you either. Yes, they could be supportive enough to help you work through that part or at least tell you, but it isn’t their job to tell you what you need on your journey.  Even understanding that, it feels lonely.  When you over commit, you spend a lot of time alone because you’re in the trenches of everything.  For me, it’s like that at home and at work—my job is the best example because I oversee three completely unrelated areas and they are small teams so getting them stood up requires knowing each area and being able to pivot at any time to support them.  It’s an environment designed on distraction and high propensity for failure.  I know I’ve personally felt like a failure at least 40 times this week alone. 

But maybe it’s reading the book or maybe it’s me growing up because I really did start to question if I would feel this way if I knew myself better or if I would have this compulsion to do a million things at once if I were more secure in who I am.  I think of all the time I’ve wasted running between the spinning plates and it absolutely breaks my heart—I’m a broken record about that.  But I still haven’t figured out how to stop.  I WANT to.  I KNOW I need to.  I literally can’t get past it.  It’s 100% my own brain, there is no mistaking that.  But I am in so deep that I don’t know how to let go now.  What does this have to do with the opening quote?  EVERYTHING.  The way to stop is to be with myself for a bit.  It’s to take the journey inward for a while and really find the patience to see who I am. 

We sometimes create another person’s standards or think we know how they see us when in reality we are projecting our insecurities of ourselves THROUGH them onto ourselves…it’s our own beliefs that we attach to someone externally.  So maybe the opening message is really for ourselves.  Once we understand we can’t be anyone other than who we are, life will get easier.  We can more clearly differentiate between who we are and what we are meant to do versus what we are told.  We are all here for a purpose.  I’ll admit I’ve gotten caught in the weeds with that.  I always thought my value was determined by how much I brought to the table, a constant game of proving I deserve to be there.  Once I let those illusions down, I saw there was something else.  And you will too.  So start looking at who you are and allow the pieces to fall where they make sense in your life…no one else’s. 

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