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Sometimes in this society it feels like we have to go it alone.  Being strong and working beyond our means is a status symbol for so many people.  We wear tiredness as a badge of honor.  We have lost the inherent value of actual human contact and interaction.  We have become numb to behavior that hurts us, others close to us, others around the world, and the world itself in the name of “this is how it is” and “what can I do?”  The single biggest crusher of creativity is the idea of, “we have always done it this way” and the second is, “It’s not my problem,” followed by, “it’s been done before/someone can do it better.”  That way of thinking is incredibly stifling and limiting to creativity as well as to needed progress.  When we look at the course of human history, the ones who came up with revolutionary ideas like hand sanitation, or refrigeration, or even the internet, the ones who suggested those ideas were mocked and ostracized until people learned to see the value in them.

Having said that, we have fostered an environment of disconnected, disjointed, and dysfunctional communication.  We are living in a cloudy grey area of wanting to move forward dusted over with fear and uncertainty.  All of the innovators mentioned above also lived in that state—and they pushed through.  In order for us to create something different, we have to take the leap.  We have to forgo the fear and learn to adjust as things come our way.  We are the remnants of the perfectionist era where there was an answer for everything.  As we move forward, we are seeing the flaws in that time period and seeing the ramifications of the perfection illusion we created.  We are left with deficits that need to be fixed and people who can’t make it on the standards we still adhere to in spite of remarkable changes in our circumstances.  There is a middle ground.  As we are in this time of moving forward while still trapped in archaic ideas, we have to find a way that actually works.  There is not one answer to this problem—and it will require work in a different dynamic.

The point is that all of this starts with relationships, including our relationships to ourselves.  We are under the impression that we need to be a certain way to be considered worthy.  We believe that we have to be perceived a certain way in order to get the things we want.  We fear that letting our real selves be seen will lead us to isolation.  What we don’t realize is that we are already isolated.  We are already cut off from what will give us real fulfillment—purpose and connection.

More people are becoming comfortable with letting their masks drop because the weight of shielding ourselves is too much.  So they drop the armor.  The bottom line is that even if you’re really good at playing the game and fitting in, it’s not real.  There is a peace that comes from being vulnerable and sharing who we are amongst people who understand and support us that we will never get from faking it to rub elbows at the top.  The first step aside from knowing it is too much to carry is to know that you don’t need to carry anything alone.  Find the right people and find the right direction and it all changes.  We can’t change the world over night but as we continue to shine light on those who are willing to be seen in their authentic vulnerability, I think more and more people will see the value in that.

Don’t ever feel like you need to carry the weight alone, even if it seems to those on the outside that you’re carrying it well and are capable.  Just because you are capable doesn’t mean you don’t need help.  I spent a lot of years going it alone, even in my closest relationships.  The people I truly needed help from never once looked up or thought to ask because they thought I was just fine.   They’d offer help with the most banal of things and I’d get frustrated because that was not what I asked for help with.  If these are people who are supposed to be helping then why weren’t they helping where I actually needed it?  I started feeling resentful because it became about misconstruing my behavior as someone who needed to control everything.  That wasn’t the case.  You offered your help, I told you where it was needed and you made the decision that I needed it elsewhere.  Not your call.

I guess the last point in all of this is to find the right support system.  From the example above, this is a circumstance that you don’t need to participate in.  It’s gaslighting and you need to be around people who support you-not manipulate you.  You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do and if people can’t be bothered to truly hear you and respond to your needs, they aren’t for you.

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I read a quote the other day that said, “The universe doesn’t disagree with you, so what exactly are you asking for?”  I love this idea almost as much as I hate it–but the accountability implied in it is so empowering.  For example, I had a moment of self pity the other day when I hit a series of red lights– absolutely ridiculous and childish, I know.  But here is where it got my wheels turning.  During the course of that morning, I will admit that I had been feeling particularly negative, so by the time I left in really crappy weather, I was not any better.  Regardless, as I was driving, I distinctly remember thinking, “I bet today I’m even going to hit that light” meaning that I would be stopped at a light I normally get the green for.  Sure as hell, as soon as I approach that light it’s red.  And then the light after.  And after. And after.  By then it felt like a cosmic joke because that series runs through downtown and they are normally all a go at the time I leave—so I really got chaffed at that point.  I screamed, “Why is it so easy to manifest all the bad shit?  Why does the bad shit have no issue coming through?!”  Ah ha.  Why indeed?

This is all on me.  I quite literally called those lights into existence (in addition to the universe probably telling me to slow down) and then I got angry about it.  Truthfully I was angry that the good things I want haven’t come through nearly that easily.  And it hit me that it was about mindset.  How much do I really believe that the good things can happen—and do I really believe that they can happen that easily?  And I thought to myself, no I really don’t think the good comes that easily.  But why?  I have seen many people in my family working very hard toward what they want in life and they have been successful.  I know it’s possible.  But the key to that is how hard they worked—and it stands to reason that the manifestation of ones dreams takes infinitely more work that something negative.

Now, I want to be clear that I understand the value and importance of work but I have seen people work themselves to the brink of insanity and still barely get by.  Whether it was their own business or for someone else, there was always a piece of them that appeared to never shut off.  Is it a societal thing?  That we value the appearance of being busy all the time over productivity?  Perhaps.  What is the point of working that hard for so little return?  I personally find it better to work smarter and not harder but those returns are also risky.  When it comes time to put in the work, I think, in my case, I still have engrained fears about what people will think and that it’s necessary for things to be just right before I present them.  But that energy says to the universe that I am not ready to receive the full scope of my dreams until things are also just right.

Learning to let go and to take in what IS allows us to be clear and to adjust as needed.  It is incredibly rare that someone hits a homerun the first time out so I think it’s safe to let go of the notion that things need to be all figured out or all perfect before you are “allowed” to take a shot.  There are inherent risks no matter what stage you jump in, but if you never take the shot then your result will always be the same: nothing.  It is in the open state of learning that we learn to not be attached to the result of our effort and to view it as something we are learning.  Being in a state of learning keeps us open to receiving—and that is when the universe goes into overdrive.

Learn what you can, all you can, whenever you can and apply it in a way unique to you.  That is where the magic is.  That is where the divine flow is.  It is a state of being—neither perfect or imperfect but it just is.  Focus on those moments and you will get much further one step at a time rather than trying to make a perfect whole from the get go.  You don’t go into the kitchen and come out with a cake without breaking the eggs first.  So do the work.  Take the steps.  And manifest wisely—no pressure, just let it happen.  And even if it doesn’t look how you thought it should, trust that it’s what is meant to be.  On those days you’re not seeing the results you’re hoping for, ask what you’re asking for and how you’re doing it.  Readjust and see what happens.  Right thought, right action, release the rest.

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The only kind of love that will fix you is self-love.  It’s been a whirlwind over the last few days but I’m grateful for that storm because it made me really start analyzing things in my life a little deeper.  For as much progress as I’ve made, I was given a hard lesson in how much more I have to learn.  I’ve taken a few days off of posting to absorb this information and decide how things were going to move forward.

The bottom line is that change is delicate work and it is hard work and sometimes when change is in process, your relationships go through something.  The other person often has to learn a new behavior or the dynamic shifts in other ways.  Over the last few months, the changes I’ve been going through have yielded positive results overall, but my relationships have been challenged in new ways.  The people closest to me are seeing new sides of me and seeing me face fears and progress in my life and it’s uncomfortable for some of them.  I believe I have reached another level so to speak, a level where I have to reacclimate and learn again so I can get to the next level.  People around me are learning that they need to adapt as well—and some it would seem may not be willing to come along for the ride.

As I’ve been learning to ease through this transition I am contemplating my relationship with myself as well.  That relationship means more to me than few others.  I spent so many years worried about others and what they thought of me, of ways to make others happy, and how I could make others like me.  Years of this didn’t serve me.  They left me stressed out and often holding the remnants of other people’s dreams while they moved on to other things.  It took me over 35 years to figure out that I didn’t want to continue down that path.  That I was tired of trying to get results out of people.  That my time here was a gift and I was worthy of making it what I wanted—not just what others wanted.

I’ve been open discussing my relationship with my husband here before, and I have not hidden that we have had our share of issues.  Earlier this week, my husband informed me that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me anymore.  I was taken aback at first and really sad (and I still am) but I thought and thought about it.  This is a man that I have been with for 19 years, we have shared countless memories together (good and bad), we have a beautiful son together, a home.  And while thinking about these things, it hit me like a flash that if all of these things that I have fought to provide are not enough then there is nothing else I can do.  More accurately, if those are the things that HE no longer wants, then I can’t force him to want to live that life.  There are just some things in this world that time changes and our interests and goals are one of them.  When paths no longer align, it causes more damage to fight to stay than it does to walk away.

Most importantly, as people change so do we, so it’s important to not get so tied up in pouring energy into someone else because that person needs to harness that energy themselves.  Our relationship to ourselves is the most important one we can have because we live with ourselves for our entire lives.  I understood how important it was to make our own lives enriching and joyful independent of being with someone else.  I also understood that steering someone toward your personal goal is not the same as working on it together.  You have to make allowances for what the other person wants as well.  And that is ok—we are all allowed to have goals and visions of what we want.  I spent 19 years working toward what we had agreed upon as a goal as a couple as well as things I wanted for us.  And I thought that was safe—I thought that was what we wanted.  Clearly something has changed along the way.  Maybe it was me wanting more for us and pushing as hard as I did.  Maybe it was a man realizing that he thought he wanted these things as a child and now he no longer does.  Maybe it’s time to learn who we are independent of each other.  Well, that has to happen anyway, but still.

The last few days have made me face some demons because I know I am not innocent in all of this–I won’t put all of this on my husband.  With the exception I feel this came at a time I never anticipated and it could have been broached better—but this is something we did together.  For as much as we started it, we are responsible for its falling apart.  We are also responsible for what happens next.  He hasn’t told me that we are definitively over, he needs time and I will respect that.  I will be taking this time to reconcile with myself.  I will improve my relationship with myself and we will see what happens next.

I believe in sharing vulnerability with honesty and humility.  I believe that people can learn from each other’s mistakes and this is part of one of mine.  I hope that I am able to learn enough about myself in this process that no matter what the final outcome I will be ok—and I hope the same for him.  I know this isn’t the end of my world—it’s not technically the end of anything yet—but I also know that this has to be the end of some habits I’ve had for years, habits that have held me back in a lot of ways, not just in relationships.  This has to be the end of waffling between things I used to do and things I want to do.  The end of childish habits and engrained trauma responses.  I know I need to be better and this is the motivation to drop any guards and jump all in.  No more half-lived pushing, but organized progress and purposeful steps.  That is where the opportunity lies—and who knows what comes next.  I welcome this new phase because no matter what comes of my relationship, this is a chance to connect with myself again.  And regardless of circumstance, we all need that every now and then.