Today I am grateful for silly moments.  The intensity of the last few months has been challenging.  I recognize that there are many more important issues occurring right now and that the fact we are looking for a single family home is a privilege, but that doesn’t take away that it is a stressful event.  We’ve been so wrapped up in it we lost sight of fun for a while.  Yesterday we were at the store for no other reason than to find my son a small Lego Mario set.  We found a box of Key Lime Pie Kit Kats (which are absolutely delicious by the way) and my husband insisted I buy the whole thing rather than a few packs.  As we were checking out, the system didn’t recognize this giant box of kit kats so we had to ask the check out lady to help us.  She had to open the box and pull one out and enter the quantity—of an entire box of kit kats.  “How many?” she asked us.  I broke down laughing and thanked her for her help, paid, took my box of candy and we left.

Today I am grateful for expanding my brain.  While we were at the store, we DID manage to get the expansion to the Lego set for my son.  We came home and, honestly, my mind was blown.  My husband was tired so I decided to build the set with my son.  These things don’t have any instructions anymore—you have to go to the app.  It was SO cool.  I know, I’m probably several years behind, but it was so much fun seeing this little world pop up and being able to interact with the toy like that.  Not to mention I haven’t played with Legos for a while so it made me think and really pay attention while we were building it.  Plus seeing my kid so happy, playing with a “real world” video game, not stuck behind a screen, using his brain, felt really good.

Today I am grateful for faith.  I’ve been struggling with the idea that everything happens for a reason.  I’ve been working on faith in general for a while as well as manifesting to expand my connection to source.  I’m struggling because a lot of the things I’ve been trying to manifest haven’t come to fruition.  I know, when it comes to faith we are supposed to believe that if it doesn’t happen it wasn’t meant to be.  But I found myself bitter because there was one thing in particular I really wanted to manifest.  It was perfect and there was no doubt I really wanted it.  When I found out I didn’t get it, I really got sad and my connection to source, to myself, and anything else sank.  As we moved on from the loss, things started shifting and a person involved in the situation started saying they were doing everything they could—and I found myself resentful because I couldn’t tell if they had put in the same effort for what we lost.  Had they put in that effort, would we have gotten what we wanted?  That resentment won’t help, so I have to rely on faith that we are heading in the right direction.

Today I am grateful for accountability and ownership in my life.  I’m not where I want to be—and it is entirely my fault.  I’ve spent years in a wishy washy, unclear state, taking what I could get, people pleasing, acting in ways that wouldn’t get me what I wanted (but still hoping they would miraculously appear), or not taking action at all.  Plus my follow through hasn’t been the greatest because, for a long time, I was scared of accountability.  I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to maintain.  I’m grateful because I am able to turn that around.  I don’t have to stay stuck—I can change it up and I can get myself back in line.  More importantly, I can get really clear.  My ego and my heart have taken a lot of hits over the last few months but it has made my role very clear and it has pointed out exactly what I need to do.  I’m not passive in this, I am a creator.

Today I am grateful for knowing where I stand.  My job has been pretty consistent over the last few months and I’ve been working on developing new teams, but last Friday, I felt ambushed by my boss and one of my coworkers telling me about issues with one of my teams.  I was not blessed with the ability to read minds, and I had no idea what was going on.  I still don’t understand how it’s an issue since it related to my teams needing education/training and they were reaching out to the educator/trainer; call me silly but that sounds like you just had to do your job…but maybe I’m still a little sour on it.  Regardless, that same day I saw another coworker had been announced for a program with our merging hospital that I didn’t even know existed.  What got me is that she had to be nominated by our boss.  I felt a level of humiliation knowing my boss didn’t think me capable for the opportunity, that my work hasn’t been deemed enough or worthy, yet she hasn’t told me what is wrong.  So now I know something is up and I can make the choice to appease and to what she wants, or I can do what is right for me. The choice is mine.

Today I’m grateful for decisions.  To piggy back on knowing where I stand, I know what was brought up on Friday was a hit to my ego, it wasn’t a reflection of who I am.  However, it isn’t appropriate to expect that I know what you’re expectations are if you haven’t told me, and if you haven’t shown me what I need to know then I cannot be expected to execute.  SO.  I can make a decision to move on.  I know what works in my life and what doesn’t.  I have to evaluate what is a good fit and where I want to be.  I don’t need to be made to feel incompetent because I don’t have inhuman powers (mind reading) or because I refuse to work a 15 hour day 7 days a week as a salaried employee.  That is a boundary.  If I’m not meeting that expectation, then I’m happy to let it go.  My opportunities may present themselves in other places and I don’t need to waste my time trying to appease you when I can let myself flourish where I belong.  I get to decide what I’m worth; that isn’t decided by some arbitrary figure that you decide to not share with me. 

Today I’m grateful for expression.  “The greatest misconception about communication is that it took place,” George Bernard Shaw.  We have a nasty habit as humans to believe that we are clear simply because we say something and we also believe that people understand as we do.  I’ve been on the receiving end of unrealistic expectations followed by complaints that I didn’t understand what was needed when no one told me what was needed.  I am a highly capable person and I can pick up on most things pretty quickly—and I’m also pretty intuitive.  I will express myself with truth and humility and with the intent of sharing, not dictating, knowledge.  I’m privileged to know the difference.       

Wishing you all a wonderful week.   

“Don’t doubt yourself just because this is new to you,” Amy Porterfield.  Porterfield is referencing starting work or an enterprise or going for that thing we want.  But we are faced with doubt all the time.  We never really know what the day is going to bring so we are always potentially facing something new.  For me, as I face some struggles in my marriage, I’m facing new things every day, and I doubt myself all the time.  Owning and admitting my toxicity has been humbling to a degree I never anticipated.

I started approaching myself with honesty about a year ago—owning and admitting faults and flaws and learning to accept them.  But it wasn’t until my recognized how unhappy my husband was that I really started digging.  There were layers there I didn’t know existed and things I did believing that I was right caused so much frustration and pain—the very thing I was trying to avoid through control.

As I shed the layers I thought were my identity, I realize they were a shield.  I wore it like armor, safe in the belief that I was right.  Learning who I am without that weight is terrifying because I have no idea who that person is.  I’m doubting every step I’ve made because if the person I’ve been for so long can be wrong and has no certain footing, how can a person I’ve never known know any better?

As scary as it is, I know it’s also a chance to practice patience while I learn what this person is about.  There is great freedom understanding that you don’t have to be any one thing in particular.  You can shift as you need to.  You learn and adapt and integrate what you need and shed what you don’t need.  There is no room for doubt in who you are becoming because you will always surprise yourself with what you can do.  There is no room for perfection, either.  Perfect doesn’t exist.

Doubt only serves to undermine what you know in your heart to be true, your innate abilities.  Doubt is like keeping your life on pause when everything is moving full throttle.  It’s also moving too fast because you’re afraid you’ll miss out.  When you eliminate that and accept where you are, you are able to accept yourself as a beginner which leaves you open to learning.  The purpose is to learn as much as we can—not to live perfectly.  Perfect is impossible as we never know to whose standard we are living.

As we elevate and evolve to the next levels in our life, there will be people who come into your life simply to distract you from your purpose, to instill that little bit of doubt in you.  Having a strong sense of self and knowing what you are capable of is key in shutting out any outside sources of doubt.  We are often our own worst critics, but there are people who are simply here to push us to our limit.  Know that starting something will push others as well, it will stir their own doubts and they will push it on you.  Do it anyway.  Keep going and keep learning—you never know, you might bring something new to the table.  Keep going. 

“If an egg is broken by outside force, life ends.  If it is broken by inside force, life begins.  Great things always begin from the inside,” Unknown.  As my husband and I embark on our next steps together on the heels of a personal breakdown/breakthrough, I feel this to my core.  I focused so intensely on outside forces, I literally didn’t see where I was ugly.  Not that I didn’t know I was doing something wrong—my difficulty with many relationships speak to that—but I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong until I flipped the script and really dug into who I am.  I was breaking my life from the outside by making it something it wasn’t.  Once I started breaking myself down from the inside, with intent, I felt a shift.

I’m grateful I have such a patient partner because the level of frustration he must have felt had to have been intense.  Not only did I break my own egg, I was breaking his egg as well.  He couldn’t help me cope with some of the things I was feeling because that was for me alone and I lashed out.  I lashed out for every single thing he ever did wrong to me and it felt justified.  But that isn’t how you move on and none of those issues had anything to do with what I was feeling. 

I never realized how easy it was to confuse which way the force was going.  Things I thought I was doing for the right reasons ended up failing or breaking apart.  The things I wanted to do fell to the wayside.  And the things I did because I felt obligated nearly always worked out, so it got very confusing.  The only real progress I seemed to make was when I did things for other people—but it was only moving their projects forward, serving their interests.  So I learned to equate progress with their approval.  I suffocated my own life because I couldn’t tell where I belonged or what I needed to do.

After facing some of my own demons (because apparently I have a lot of them) I know I need to let go and pay attention to where the intent is coming from.  And, quite frankly, to let go of any force, inside or outside.  I allow my expectations to run wild and find disappointment at every turn so I try to control the outcome which is the ultimate choking force, destroying, not creating life.  I’ve also realized that my entire life (all of our lives) are like the egg: it’s fragile, and it holds life itself—and it emerges when it is ready.  That cannot be coerced.  Life runs at its own pace.  Be patient enough to let it unfold as it’s meant to.    

Focusing on work has been helpful.  I’m bored at times but I see things shifting.  One of my staff said I need a girl’s night and she isn’t wrong—I can’t remember the last time I connected with anyone.  But for me it isn’t about partying—I need a messy, snot-flying, reconnecting thing.  Connecting with people and mostly with myself.  Because I’ve been so on the outside that I’ve been controlling the external.  Being outside of myself will help because I can shift the perspective on someone else and their needs.  I’ve been too in my head lately, being who I’m expected to be—and who I’ve thought I needed to be.

If I’m still me, not who I’m pretending to be, then maybe it is the real me I’m looking for—or just the real in general.  I started seeing the life around me and how some people can dive right in.  They have a remarkable ability to stay present and they know how to navigate as things come their way.  Then I looked at my life, the things I’ve built and acquired and I had an overwhelming feeling that it was all an inconvenience.  It was all needless responsibility and unnecessary stress to prove I could do it.  I had to give so many things attention I felt I was always behind.  Now I see it as a good thing because I was focusing too much on inward emotion and creating a toxic pattern of victimhood and martyrdom. 

The more I got out of myself and learned to take care of what was around me, to understand the privilege I have in creating this life, I felt better.  I learned new interests and things that really spoke to me.  I also learned where my capacity lies.  If I don’t like the way things are going I am able to change it.  I’m not stuck.  I learned to no longer over indulge or to over commit myself.  I learned to say yes to what I really want even if it means letting go of certain things (see the yes and no discussion).  I also learned to accept that I can’t have it all or do everything—I’m human.  Even if I can’t have it all, I CAN have what is meant for me.  I CAN have my purpose.  I’ve been afraid to step into it for fear of losing what I know or admitting what I want may not be what my husband wants.  Fearing loneliness.  Fearing I don’t want what I thought I did, what I’ve already spent so much time on. 

Maybe I’m coming to terms with that the relationship I’ve had with the self I knew is over.  I’m protecting the core of who I am and she’s trying to come out.  Protecting her over expressing her is causing more harm because I’m perceiving dangers and slights against me that aren’t even there because I don’t know how to truly trust.  It’s hurting others because they can’t be who they are around me.  Whatever I’ve done and for whatever reasons I’ve done them, I’ve made people uncomfortable by me being uncomfortable.  But I’m growing and I’m trying.  I’m being honest.  Above all, I’m ready. 

I know I will have to be gentle with myself and I may fall into old habits.  I just have to keep looking for the chances to grow.  To be authentic.  No matter what it means.  Believing I can do what I need to.  Being open to life.  Imperfect they may be, I have amazing people in my life.  Imperfect I may be, I can always do my best.  And I have to accept their best as well.  That maybe I’m not for them or vice versa.  Or that we aren’t meant for each other.  And such is life. It doesn’t mean we are bad people.  It just means that our paths are different. I’m excited to see what this next chapter brings.  I’m gentle with me, but also accountable.  Open to being me and allowing others to do the same.  Open to being human and doing better now that I know better.  

My husband and I have been going through a really rough patch lately, that started around the time I found out I was pregnant.  We haven’t been connecting, our communication has been off, we haven’t been intimate for months.  We’ve been bickering and lost as we try to determine how we move forward.  I found myself snapping at him for anything, arguing over nothing and blaming him for everything.  I felt completely isolated, especially after losing a child, and we started having issues with one of our animals—and we couldn’t agree on how to handle it so I lost it.  I realized that so many of our beliefs have been growing apart.  We even started talking about possibly separating. 

I watched a video from Mel Robbins the other day about recognizing if your relationship is over.  As she discussed ownership and letting go as needed or trying to make it work, it hit me like a lead balloon that I am toxic.  I have allowed myself to become exactly what I have been trying to avoid: a nit-picking martyr hell bent on being right all the time, blaming everyone but myself.  I placed an expectation on my husband to know everything I was feeling or needed and I felt I was owed that for the behavior I’ve endured throughout our relationship.  I expected him to bend to who I am and to behave how I expected him to.  I still felt the need for him to perform penance over things we have said we resolved years ago—and that was so wrong of me. 

Worse, I’ve spent so much time thinking I’m perfect, that my way is right, and that people need to conform to what I’m saying at all times.  Part of that is a trauma response because I spent so many years cleaning up after him.  I know I could have chosen to leave and not be the martyr (that part of it is my upbringing) but I so desperately just wanted him to be appreciative of what I did, of what I sacrificed, and to recognize that I was (legitimately) the only one there no matter what he did.  That isn’t what happened—I taught him he could do whatever he wanted and I would always be there.  I digress.

I started believing he had to be a certain way and that he needed to make me happy because of what I did for him.  I spent more time criticizing him than I did loving him and I felt like it was my right to do so—I was the wronged victim every time.  I’m ashamed—and relieved—because I know we couldn’t go on like that.  I’m ashamed because I can no longer identify as the “right” one.  Because I really caused him pain without realizing it.  I made him give up his identity to conform to mine because I thought I was owed.  I was so focused on controlling the outcome and his actions, I made him into something he’s not.  I lost myself because I focused on him and his actions and what he was “supposed” to be doing rather than make any real progress on myself.  I’ve done that to everyone to a degree.     

I allowed myself to feel hurt when they did what was right for them—because I made the choice to do what was right for them, I expected them to do what was right for me.  I could have accepted them and moved on with my life, learning to fulfill my own needs.  But I’ve never done that so it was painful to be anything other than what I’ve always been.  I’m afraid letting that identity go will open me up to hurt.  Is being hurt better than being lonely?  I’m around people I have no real connection with.  It’s like being a lone in a crowded room. 

I’ve been afraid of connection because I never moved on from the hurt those closed to me caused—and the early losses of those I loved most.  My grandpa’s death, my siblings leaving the house, overly connected to my parents, Chris cheating, buying things behind my back, Jason talking about me, Jerry dying, my sisters and their additions and my brother almost dying (twice).  Seeing the life I thought I’d have slip away.  Realizing how much I relied on my parents.  Knowing I’d have to learn to rely on myself and fearful I couldn’t do it.  Chris’s spending legitimately getting in the way of a future we could build together.  Feeling like he only used me for my money.  Insecure and frightened that I didn’t bring anything else to the table but money.          

Is this starting over?  Uncovering whether or not we are together or alone or alone together.  Determining if I’m trying to make a bad thing work.  Or if this is genuine healing.  Fear has come up more often than not, fearing that, as we are discovering ourselves, we will discover that we don’t want each other anymore.  At this point all I can do is continue on in my discovery and let him be.  If we are meant to be, we will be.  As painful as this realization is, it feels better being authentic because this is genuinely something that can’t be forced.  I know I need help because I don’t want to repeat the cycle—I want to heal. 

“Everything you say yes to means saying no to something else,” Marie Forleo.  Going with the theme of letting go, we have to be prepared for the fact that accepting a future that is meant for us means DECIDING to accept it—which means saying no to anything else.  It doesn’t have to be a painful thing.  In fact deciding, removing circumstances that aren’t meant for you, makes everything a lot clearer.  It removes the extraneous and shows us where to go. 

Highly creative people have a tendency to pursue multiple things at the same time.  It can be a good thing because they have the ability to think outside the box and get things done.  The down side is that when people go after multiple things at the same time, it isn’t always easy to finish them.  So deciding, prioritizing, and creating actionable steps makes you more productive and gets it done. 

Having anxiety makes deciding terrifying because you’re always weighing the possibilities and second-guessing your decisions, always afraid that you made the wrong choice.  Sometimes it’s more than just fear of a wrong choice—I have often berated myself for not knowing better, even while I was still learning, and I have felt the heavy weight of loss when something didn’t turn out how I thought it would.  Getting over that means shifting perspective.  It isn’t about losing out or making the wrong decision, it’s about learning and being guided toward what is meant for you.  To this day I struggle with this because I’m not able to see the end result or the big picture—and I love knowing what I’m working toward and I want to know that my efforts will be worth it.  Maybe it’s about the effort being put in making it worth it; It’s not about what you’re owed for the work you do, it’s about making the work you do worth it no matter what.

Part of what made making decisions so scary for me was the idea of committing to one decision for a long time.  If I chose to do or be one thing, I was afraid that was who I had to be forever.  I didn’t have much flexibility in my life growing up so I didn’t really learn about letting go and being myself—or that our definitions of self could change as often as we needed them to.  I find it ridiculous now, but I felt I had to prove I KNEW what was best for me at all times, and that I was always right.  If I needed to shift gears and be someone else because the choices I made weren’t working for me, that would mean I was wrong.  In those situations I had a tendency to create stories so it wasn’t my fault (hey, my therapist says we shouldn’t date anymore…) or I denied completely (this job makes me so happy, I love working Wednesday through Sunday!) or I ran away (I have no idea who you are). 

I used to feel bad admitting what didn’t work for me because I thought it made some statement about the other person as well—and I didn’t want them to feel bad.  I just didn’t know how to communicate that it wasn’t working for me.  Standing my ground didn’t come easily to me because I wanted to make people happy and that is why it was easier to either run away or just go along with what they wanted.  I didn’t want to be responsible for making other people angry because I was the nice girl.  It wasn’t until very recently that I understood making decisions for yourself doesn’t make you mean or nice, it only means you’re in touch with yourself.

It has taken a lot of work to get in touch with the parts of me that are honest enough to declare what works for them.  Navigating self-awareness brings to light many of the things we think we fear about ourselves because, no matter what, there are some dark parts to each of us.  It’s about deciding to integrate the light and the dark.  It’s also about understanding the malleability of who we are.  We aren’t stuck in one identity—we often have to shift between multiple roles in a day.  And that person doesn’t need to be the same forever, they just need to be able to shift.  It’s ironic that I used to think surviving meant sticking to my guns (unless it made someone unhappy) but it’s really about reading the scene and moving with it.  So, I have decided to embrace the ever changing tide of my life and see where it gets me. 

“We must let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the one that is waiting for us,” Joseph Campbell.  I’m revisiting this quote as events have brought it back into my life.  Letting go is rarely easy.  The weight of the meaningless trifles we carry can bury us and we will still pretend we are moving right along.  Letting go of something we have attached ourselves to, whether literally or figuratively, is even harder.  Now it has meaning.  It isn’t just about proving the point that we can carry heavy things, this becomes about identifying with it.  Once our identity is woven into the vision we have, letting it go becomes terrifying and painful.  And we have to do it anyway.  Life has a way of making that mandatory, especially for the things we attach to.

Not to drone like a broken record, but I have endured a lot in these last few months.  Unidentified gastric issues, liver issues, cervical polyps and two procedures to remove them, ovarian cysts, a pregnancy, the loss of that pregnancy, losing one of our dogs, putting our house up for sale, searching for a new home, shifting job roles.  All of this while maintaining my work, keeping my business going, and being a mother and wife.  I thank God every day that I have been strong enough to endure—but I feel like that’s all I’m doing—enduring.  I feel like I have failed.  I know I am blessed and I don’t exclude myself from the normal tribulations of life but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t heavy.  It feels like I am merely existing, a shell, an empty presence.

I attached myself to the idea of what I thought this life would be.  I never expected it to be smooth sailing the entire way, I just didn’t expect a storm quite like this.  As a child I envisioned having the dream job (never knew what it would be), a home, a husband, a family, traveling.  I envisioned friends and family around me. I’ve also come face to face with the demons at the core of who I am.  I’ve felt a steadily increasing loneliness creeping into my life and I see my role in it.  I saw the life I wanted and thought it would be given to me—I didn’t match my actions to the vision. 

It is entirely humbling to watch your life be at stake and to get it back only to lose your footing on where you’re at.  Each of these events has made me dive deeply into who I am and, as I’ve peeled back the onion, I see there isn’t one defining aspect to my personality.  In fact, as I have lost those pieces of me, I’m not sure I ever knew who I was let alone who I will be.  As heavy as this is, I am grateful because I can put it down.  I can honor who I was and understand the things I did without carrying them with me.  I can let go of what I thought I would be.  Yes, it’s a loss.  It hurts.  But it’s also cleansing.  The act of losing creates space for what is meant to be.

There are few things in life we can write down and commit to when it comes to the overall trajectory of our story.  We can’t know all of the events that happen and we can’t always know how they will shape us.  Life isn’t meant to be planned—it’s meant to be experienced.  It’s the greatest trust fall there is.  You just have to jump and do it and allow the pieces to fall into place and try to understand it is for some reason.  I know that my life’s purpose is about more than enduring pain.  This is just a tough season for me and I will come out of this.  Maybe the purpose is simply to share, to find a way to reconnect with myself and with others in a genuine way.  Maybe it’s to garner a deeper appreciation for what I have.  Maybe it’s the foundation for the life I can’t see yet.  But I won’t know until I let go and make peace with what is no longer here.   

Today I am grateful for the ability to shift.  My son woke me up at 3:45AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep.  I went to his bed to try to sleep alone, and all I could hear were the neighbors partying.  I immediately felt angry because there are so many people who just don’t think about what they’re doing—they do it simply because they want to no matter who gets in the way.  I felt my old habit of self-righteous anger creeping in and debated walking over there to scream at them when I felt overwhelmingly tired.  And it hit me that I am so blessed.  There are so many changes happening in my life and I’m moving in the right direction—and not many people have that now—so who am I to stop them from enjoying themselves?  We need more joy.  Doesn’t change that it was annoying as hell, but I wasn’t going to be the one to stop them. 

Today I am grateful for adventure.  We’ve been looking for our forever home and I found myself super stressed yesterday.  We’ve looked at 20 houses and nothing seems quite right so frustration creeped in when we looked at the last house and it was NOTHING like we anticipated.  The pictures showed it needed some work but when we got there, the entire thing needed renovation.  I know it’s not unusual, it’s just challenging to keep your emotions in check with a huge decision like this when you’re disappointed.  So, after a nice dinner, I decided that I am going to make this an adventure.  I get to pick where we go next and we are just going to keep looking until something feels right.  Our home is out there and I am so fortunate to be able to look for it right now. 

Today I am grateful to support my family.  We’ve been going through a lot of transition and I’m grateful to help us tread through it.  I know I couldn’t do it on my own, but I’m grateful to be able to take the reins when I need to.  Just a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it through the day and here we are, getting healthy, planning a move, and making decisions about what we want our lives to look like. 

Today I am grateful for drive.  I’ve had to adopt new habits over the last few weeks in order to move us where we need to be.  That means owning a lot of who I am and eliminating the habits that kept me stuck (see tomorrow’s post on toxicity).  The heaviness of being that person, of always having to be right got to be too much.  And ignoring the negative parts of who I am only made it more difficult.  We can’t live in denial.  So I’ve been determined to focus more on integrating and accepting who I am so I can be the person I need to be.   

Today I am grateful to reconnect with my husband.  We’ve spent a lot of time emotionally and physically apart over the last few months.  After I lost the baby, I started resenting everything he did and judging every move he made because I felt so alone.  He didn’t understand what I was going through and he shut down, went into his own world.  We could be in the same room but we could not have been farther apart.  I started to feel like I didn’t recognize him—and I realized I couldn’t recognize myself either.  I had to stop and take an honest look at who I am and who I want to be and it was my sanity and my marriage on the line.  Once I started looking at what was at the core of my anger and judging (spoiler alert, it’s control and fear of losing control), I knew I had to shift.  I’m still working on it, but I feel better.  We’ve been talking and figuring it out—and it isn’t perfect, but we aren’t alone together anymore.   

Today I am grateful for miracles.  Finding houses, being able to move forward, spending time with my son, spending time with extended family, watching my son let go of every care he has and live his life to the fullest—today was a great day.  As challenging as it is to see the good in everything, it really exists—and there is a reason for everything.  It feels amazing to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.    

The last few months have sucked for me on so many levels and I found myself feeling victimized again, wondering why things were happening to me and wondering if I would ever be able to break free.  I found myself sitting and waiting and thinking over and over again. I’m a really good thinker.  Over, under, through, around, and in-between, I’m adept at thinking.  All of that allows for creative expression but it doesn’t produce anything without action. 

I thought that the antidote to feeling like a victim was to change my thinking.  Focus on positive thoughts, focus on goals with positive outcomes, and to speak positively.  None of that got me out of my head so all I did was end up with more thoughts.  Better thoughts, yes, but just more thoughts and that became just as overwhelming as the negative. 

I found myself making excuses to not take my son out or to do things with him and we spent a lot of time watching TV.  Then we got busy with getting the house ready for sale.  And, in all honesty, I got tired.  Working most of the day and then entertaining a little human as well as maintaining a house, packing a house, looking for a house, and taking care of our animals all while trying to start a business started to get too heavy.

We ended up outside one weekend and I watched him playing on his scooter and he just laughed and laughed.  At first I felt guilty because I had been denying him a chance to release some of his energy and to simply enjoy being four.  Then I realized that I had been denying myself the same things as well.  I had been denying any flow of joy in my life.  Not only was I restricting the flow of joy, I didn’t even know how to find it anymore.  I started playing with him on the scooter.  An amazing thing happened—I started to feel lighter.  I felt a genuine laugh coming out of my belly. 

I immediately recognized the need to feel like that again.  Joy isn’t something that just happens—we have to create it.  The reason anger and fear and anxiety feel so natural to me is that I have practiced it for a long time.  I go to those reactions because I have the most experience expressing them and the most experience recognizing them when I feel them.  So I’ve let them run rampant and I couldn’t even recognize what I needed anymore until I felt it.  Now I know I need more joy.  I know I need more love. 

Learning to seek joy is a different experience for me.  It means looking at myself and getting really honest about what I enjoy.  I’ve adopted yet another schedule at work and I’m trying really hard to incorporate something that makes me happy every day.  I start my days with connecting with source and with guidance by pulling cards.  I’m writing as I need to.  And, even though it isn’t what I’m planning on doing forever, I’m diving into work more as I’m learning new things.  Embracing what is going on around me has made it so much easier than fighting it, and I feel like I’m progressing. 

Seeking joy also means letting go of the previous things I thought brought me joy.  Not that I don’t enjoy those things, but that there are other things that are closer to who I really am.  I also used to look at joy as something frivolous.  Now I see it as a necessity.  It is when I feel joy that I feel like I’m living.  I feel like I’m connected—to myself.  Joy has opened up a new path for me.  Even though I’m still learning, I’m leaning into trust and believing that I will find my way as I go.  Through what feels right, and yes, through what brings me joy. 

Kristen Hubbard wrote, “We are changed not only by what we see, but by what we allow to see us.  Open, Love.  There is a whole new world out there anticipating your arrival.”  AMEN.  Life isn’t about what we passively experience through observation, waiting until the moment is right to make a move.  Life is what happens when we move.  It’s vulnerable and it’s scary but it is in the doing that we allow ourselves to break free. When we allow ourselves to be seen we are showing the world that we are comfortable with our magic and our purpose.  We are showing the world that it is safe for them to do the same.

When we take in the world around us we are shaped so it is silly to believe that we don’t also shape the world.  It is what we are meant to do.  The trajectory of my life has been about taking in and repeating back what I thought I needed to in order to survive, hoping that would eventually help me thrive.  That was merely the echo of other people’s lives.  I sank myself into other people, my family, my friends, my relationships.  Like a chameleon, I would change, taking in everything.  I honestly didn’t think I had anything of value that people would want to see.  Then I became afraid of showing myself.  Then I became a wife.  And I took on that identity like a cape, wrapping it around myself.  Then I became a mother and I spent the majority of my time either keeping a human alive or making sure I was developing said human into a good person. 

It never occurred to me that people would look to me as well or that they NEEDED me.  That they needed my gifts.  It never occurred to me that I could be more than one thing.  We don’t have one identity, nor do we have to be.  We are trained to decide early on who we are and that we have to stick with that.  The beauty of the universe is that it is vast and, as we are part of the universe, so are we.  We are made up of all the parts of our experiences.  We can change from day to day with fervor.  And the world is waiting for that spark to ignite so you can become who you are meant to be.  It’s in the allowing. 

Change happens whether we like it or not, whether we are ready for it or not, whether it is how we plan or not.  Sharing our authenticity is what the world needs.  We have become so uncomfortable with accepting who we are and with being who we are because we feel like we need to be who we were told to be.  Marie Forleo talks about creating before consuming and I agree.  The act of creating causes a reaction of flow that brings about massive change because we line up with who we are.  It also brings about change for other people as well.  So release the fear and allow yourself to be seen.  Even if it’s only by yourself at first, allow your magic to flow.  The rest will fall into place.