Focusing on work has been helpful. I’m bored at times but I see things shifting. One of my staff said I need a girl’s night and she isn’t wrong—I can’t remember the last time I connected with anyone. But for me it isn’t about partying—I need a messy, snot-flying, reconnecting thing. Connecting with people and mostly with myself. Because I’ve been so on the outside that I’ve been controlling the external. Being outside of myself will help because I can shift the perspective on someone else and their needs. I’ve been too in my head lately, being who I’m expected to be—and who I’ve thought I needed to be.
If I’m still me, not who I’m pretending to be, then maybe it is the real me I’m looking for—or just the real in general. I started seeing the life around me and how some people can dive right in. They have a remarkable ability to stay present and they know how to navigate as things come their way. Then I looked at my life, the things I’ve built and acquired and I had an overwhelming feeling that it was all an inconvenience. It was all needless responsibility and unnecessary stress to prove I could do it. I had to give so many things attention I felt I was always behind. Now I see it as a good thing because I was focusing too much on inward emotion and creating a toxic pattern of victimhood and martyrdom.
The more I got out of myself and learned to take care of what was around me, to understand the privilege I have in creating this life, I felt better. I learned new interests and things that really spoke to me. I also learned where my capacity lies. If I don’t like the way things are going I am able to change it. I’m not stuck. I learned to no longer over indulge or to over commit myself. I learned to say yes to what I really want even if it means letting go of certain things (see the yes and no discussion). I also learned to accept that I can’t have it all or do everything—I’m human. Even if I can’t have it all, I CAN have what is meant for me. I CAN have my purpose. I’ve been afraid to step into it for fear of losing what I know or admitting what I want may not be what my husband wants. Fearing loneliness. Fearing I don’t want what I thought I did, what I’ve already spent so much time on.
Maybe I’m coming to terms with that the relationship I’ve had with the self I knew is over. I’m protecting the core of who I am and she’s trying to come out. Protecting her over expressing her is causing more harm because I’m perceiving dangers and slights against me that aren’t even there because I don’t know how to truly trust. It’s hurting others because they can’t be who they are around me. Whatever I’ve done and for whatever reasons I’ve done them, I’ve made people uncomfortable by me being uncomfortable. But I’m growing and I’m trying. I’m being honest. Above all, I’m ready.
I know I will have to be gentle with myself and I may fall into old habits. I just have to keep looking for the chances to grow. To be authentic. No matter what it means. Believing I can do what I need to. Being open to life. Imperfect they may be, I have amazing people in my life. Imperfect I may be, I can always do my best. And I have to accept their best as well. That maybe I’m not for them or vice versa. Or that we aren’t meant for each other. And such is life. It doesn’t mean we are bad people. It just means that our paths are different. I’m excited to see what this next chapter brings. I’m gentle with me, but also accountable. Open to being me and allowing others to do the same. Open to being human and doing better now that I know better.