The last few months have sucked for me on so many levels and I found myself feeling victimized again, wondering why things were happening to me and wondering if I would ever be able to break free. I found myself sitting and waiting and thinking over and over again. I’m a really good thinker. Over, under, through, around, and in-between, I’m adept at thinking. All of that allows for creative expression but it doesn’t produce anything without action.
I thought that the antidote to feeling like a victim was to change my thinking. Focus on positive thoughts, focus on goals with positive outcomes, and to speak positively. None of that got me out of my head so all I did was end up with more thoughts. Better thoughts, yes, but just more thoughts and that became just as overwhelming as the negative.
I found myself making excuses to not take my son out or to do things with him and we spent a lot of time watching TV. Then we got busy with getting the house ready for sale. And, in all honesty, I got tired. Working most of the day and then entertaining a little human as well as maintaining a house, packing a house, looking for a house, and taking care of our animals all while trying to start a business started to get too heavy.
We ended up outside one weekend and I watched him playing on his scooter and he just laughed and laughed. At first I felt guilty because I had been denying him a chance to release some of his energy and to simply enjoy being four. Then I realized that I had been denying myself the same things as well. I had been denying any flow of joy in my life. Not only was I restricting the flow of joy, I didn’t even know how to find it anymore. I started playing with him on the scooter. An amazing thing happened—I started to feel lighter. I felt a genuine laugh coming out of my belly.
I immediately recognized the need to feel like that again. Joy isn’t something that just happens—we have to create it. The reason anger and fear and anxiety feel so natural to me is that I have practiced it for a long time. I go to those reactions because I have the most experience expressing them and the most experience recognizing them when I feel them. So I’ve let them run rampant and I couldn’t even recognize what I needed anymore until I felt it. Now I know I need more joy. I know I need more love.
Learning to seek joy is a different experience for me. It means looking at myself and getting really honest about what I enjoy. I’ve adopted yet another schedule at work and I’m trying really hard to incorporate something that makes me happy every day. I start my days with connecting with source and with guidance by pulling cards. I’m writing as I need to. And, even though it isn’t what I’m planning on doing forever, I’m diving into work more as I’m learning new things. Embracing what is going on around me has made it so much easier than fighting it, and I feel like I’m progressing.
Seeking joy also means letting go of the previous things I thought brought me joy. Not that I don’t enjoy those things, but that there are other things that are closer to who I really am. I also used to look at joy as something frivolous. Now I see it as a necessity. It is when I feel joy that I feel like I’m living. I feel like I’m connected—to myself. Joy has opened up a new path for me. Even though I’m still learning, I’m leaning into trust and believing that I will find my way as I go. Through what feels right, and yes, through what brings me joy.