Force

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“If an egg is broken by outside force, life ends.  If it is broken by inside force, life begins.  Great things always begin from the inside,” Unknown.  As my husband and I embark on our next steps together on the heels of a personal breakdown/breakthrough, I feel this to my core.  I focused so intensely on outside forces, I literally didn’t see where I was ugly.  Not that I didn’t know I was doing something wrong—my difficulty with many relationships speak to that—but I couldn’t figure out where I went wrong until I flipped the script and really dug into who I am.  I was breaking my life from the outside by making it something it wasn’t.  Once I started breaking myself down from the inside, with intent, I felt a shift.

I’m grateful I have such a patient partner because the level of frustration he must have felt had to have been intense.  Not only did I break my own egg, I was breaking his egg as well.  He couldn’t help me cope with some of the things I was feeling because that was for me alone and I lashed out.  I lashed out for every single thing he ever did wrong to me and it felt justified.  But that isn’t how you move on and none of those issues had anything to do with what I was feeling. 

I never realized how easy it was to confuse which way the force was going.  Things I thought I was doing for the right reasons ended up failing or breaking apart.  The things I wanted to do fell to the wayside.  And the things I did because I felt obligated nearly always worked out, so it got very confusing.  The only real progress I seemed to make was when I did things for other people—but it was only moving their projects forward, serving their interests.  So I learned to equate progress with their approval.  I suffocated my own life because I couldn’t tell where I belonged or what I needed to do.

After facing some of my own demons (because apparently I have a lot of them) I know I need to let go and pay attention to where the intent is coming from.  And, quite frankly, to let go of any force, inside or outside.  I allow my expectations to run wild and find disappointment at every turn so I try to control the outcome which is the ultimate choking force, destroying, not creating life.  I’ve also realized that my entire life (all of our lives) are like the egg: it’s fragile, and it holds life itself—and it emerges when it is ready.  That cannot be coerced.  Life runs at its own pace.  Be patient enough to let it unfold as it’s meant to.    

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