Today I am grateful for the ability to shift. My son woke me up at 3:45AM and I couldn’t get back to sleep. I went to his bed to try to sleep alone, and all I could hear were the neighbors partying. I immediately felt angry because there are so many people who just don’t think about what they’re doing—they do it simply because they want to no matter who gets in the way. I felt my old habit of self-righteous anger creeping in and debated walking over there to scream at them when I felt overwhelmingly tired. And it hit me that I am so blessed. There are so many changes happening in my life and I’m moving in the right direction—and not many people have that now—so who am I to stop them from enjoying themselves? We need more joy. Doesn’t change that it was annoying as hell, but I wasn’t going to be the one to stop them.
Today I am grateful for adventure. We’ve been looking for our forever home and I found myself super stressed yesterday. We’ve looked at 20 houses and nothing seems quite right so frustration creeped in when we looked at the last house and it was NOTHING like we anticipated. The pictures showed it needed some work but when we got there, the entire thing needed renovation. I know it’s not unusual, it’s just challenging to keep your emotions in check with a huge decision like this when you’re disappointed. So, after a nice dinner, I decided that I am going to make this an adventure. I get to pick where we go next and we are just going to keep looking until something feels right. Our home is out there and I am so fortunate to be able to look for it right now.
Today I am grateful to support my family. We’ve been going through a lot of transition and I’m grateful to help us tread through it. I know I couldn’t do it on my own, but I’m grateful to be able to take the reins when I need to. Just a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it through the day and here we are, getting healthy, planning a move, and making decisions about what we want our lives to look like.
Today I am grateful for drive. I’ve had to adopt new habits over the last few weeks in order to move us where we need to be. That means owning a lot of who I am and eliminating the habits that kept me stuck (see tomorrow’s post on toxicity). The heaviness of being that person, of always having to be right got to be too much. And ignoring the negative parts of who I am only made it more difficult. We can’t live in denial. So I’ve been determined to focus more on integrating and accepting who I am so I can be the person I need to be.
Today I am grateful to reconnect with my husband. We’ve spent a lot of time emotionally and physically apart over the last few months. After I lost the baby, I started resenting everything he did and judging every move he made because I felt so alone. He didn’t understand what I was going through and he shut down, went into his own world. We could be in the same room but we could not have been farther apart. I started to feel like I didn’t recognize him—and I realized I couldn’t recognize myself either. I had to stop and take an honest look at who I am and who I want to be and it was my sanity and my marriage on the line. Once I started looking at what was at the core of my anger and judging (spoiler alert, it’s control and fear of losing control), I knew I had to shift. I’m still working on it, but I feel better. We’ve been talking and figuring it out—and it isn’t perfect, but we aren’t alone together anymore.
Today I am grateful for miracles. Finding houses, being able to move forward, spending time with my son, spending time with extended family, watching my son let go of every care he has and live his life to the fullest—today was a great day. As challenging as it is to see the good in everything, it really exists—and there is a reason for everything. It feels amazing to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead.