It’s different when you’re with people who own their shit and move on.  I’ve lived my entire life anywhere but where I’m at.  Constantly shifting between where I was and where I want to be mixed with how it “should be” or “should have been.”  That is a serious misuse of energy and it leads to some even more serious delusions in the mind.  My family spends a lot of time living in the past and holding onto things without talking about them because we believe it’s the “nice” thing to do.  There are some circumstances where this is absolutely true and it is best to move on.  But the things that affect us deeply, we never learned how to manage and that anger builds up inside like a tinder box.

I’ve always read that the type of people you hang out with influence who we are and I saw this first hand when I spent some time with my husband’s family.  I used to think they were dramatic because there is a different type of relationship and communication with them.  After spending some time with them I see it differently.  They at least express their concerns directly and there isn’t anything held behind the scenes trying to figure out what is wrong with the other person.

The latter behavior provides a sense of peace.  I used to think it was egotistical, like no one wanted to own their crap and were pretending they didn’t do anything wrong.  But the skill is that they are able to express it and move on.  An apology or even no apology speaks for itself and that is it.  Fixating on the situation does nothing to solve it.  Letting it go at least allows them to move on.  They are absolutely present with whatever is going on. That is a key to moving forward that I never saw before.  I mean, presence is important for a lot of reasons, but forgiveness and not harboring is far healthier than holding onto it, hoping that something which can never change will somehow be different. 

I felt envious about it and also a sort of catharsis.  I thought that this might be something that I am able to do as well.  I mean, I know it will take a lot of practice, but it is absolutely attainable.  And the catharsis was in the fact that I can choose differently now and start moving forward.  It may not be with my immediate family as they are who they are—and I can’t change that.  But I can start changing my reactions and dealing with my emotions around it rather than constantly putting it on other people.  There is ownership in that.  That is really living. 

So we can decide if we are going to fixate and stay stuck or imagining things differently.  Or we can learn to move on and accept.  It’s hard but the purpose is entirely different.  I’m not discounting the need for all of us to learn the lessons and apologize when we hurt someone, but we can’t tie our actions to their acknowledgement or denial of our feelings.  Our feelings are our own.  Express them and deal with what comes.  I choose to live in the light and the way to do that is through that kind of acceptance.  Those are the people to be around. Choose your tribe carefully.

“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up,” Muhammad Ali.  I love this for a lot of reasons.  My mother is about to have knee surgery and I feel her anxiety dripping off of her.  It’s not like I don’t understand, it’s an overwhelming experience especially if you haven’t had surgery like that in a while.  Throw in preparations with COVID etc. and it is a scary undertaking.  But I see her and it is a reminder that this is a new beginning for her.  She is waking up.  For so long she kept herself quiet about the pain and she did what she needed to do to get through the day.  Now she is taking a step forward in her life and she is going to start fresh. I think part of her is afraid to let go of the pain because that is all she knew.

It’s a wonderful reminder to all of us that no matter our age, we can always start again.  We can find what gives us purpose and what brings us joy and simply let go of the rest at any time.  The biggest obstacle is ourselves.  It’s our mind and whether or not we are trained to see the opportunity in the obstacle.  Sometimes the greatest results come after the detour.  I know in my family we spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative and even forecasting the negative.  Most of it is out of fear, control and our greatest friend, anxiety.  It’s not like we WANT to be that way, but regardless of the desire, we have to work very hard to see the positive.  So seeing the positive is our way of waking up.

I used to think the world was an extremely unkind place.  I watched as the dreams I had for myself would be dashed over and over again as I wished repeatedly for a peaceful life, a successful life, a secure life.  The reality is, I sacrificed over and over again hoping that would get me what I wanted when in reality, all the universe wanted me to do was to take an opportunity and hold on.  “Pick one,” she said, “I will take you where you want to go but for Pete’s sake, stop letting everything pass you by.” 

I learned that you can’t keep letting things fall out of your grasp and then expect them to return.  There comes a point when it isn’t nobility in hoping for another chance at something.  It’s insanity to keep letting it pass you by.  So it’s time to wake up and seize the moments we have while we have them.  I’m still working on getting clear on this, don’t mistake it, but I know with everything in my soul that it is time to release the martyr act and take the moments that are mine.  They wouldn’t be here if they weren’t meant to be.  I don’t want to hold onto the pain, hoping some day someone will relieve it for me when all I need to do is stop choosing pain. 

And that is a scary undertaking because as I see my mother, her fear about the pain is the same as mine.  I don’t know what my life looks like on the other side.  I don’t know what my life looks like outside of the control to avoid the pain.  I don’t know what life looks like embracing things as they are because I’ve always gotten scared and started controlling again.  All I know is that it still sounds tempting and I want to let go of the control before I let go of all the chances that may come my way.  So as my mother awakens, so does the daughter.  And as she releases her control, so do it.  Together we step into our new selves and we learn to navigate this.  We heal together, her physically, me generationally.  I can make peace with the past and simply move on.

We had my family over the other day and I started talking to my dad about squirrels.  They have ton over by their house and he absolutely loves feeding them and he’s actually gotten quite close to some of them.  I mentioned that we’ve been here for six months and I really haven’t seen squirrels by us.  We have rabbits and chipmunks but not too many squirrels on this side of where we live.  It actually made me a little sad because we had a ton of squirrels near our old place and I’ve been missing their fuzzy little antics.  Plus I thought if my parents ever moved here he would really miss that.  Regardless, I notice their absence.

So I woke up on the first real day of my vacation and did some work in my office a bit later than I normally do.  It was still early, but there was actually daylight.  I had put in a workout in the morning and felt really good and as I sat down, I looked outside because the light was gorgeous.  I saw a fuzzy little tail running along the fence and another one up in the tree.  Sure enough, they were squirrels. My jaw dropped.  I mean, the timing of it was amazing and then to see two of them?! 

I immediately pulled out my medicine card book and there wasn’t anything about a squirrel so I looked it up and it says that squirrels are often a message for us to have more fun.  Specifically we have been taking life too seriously and forgotten that play is essential too.  Yes, they remind us to take care of practical matters as far as preparing for the future, but they want us to lighten what we have taken on unnecessarily and release the clutter.  The part that hit me the most was about how those thoughts are detrimental to our health.  My health in particular has been up and down over the last year and even though I’ve made strides, I have a nasty habit of letting it go to the wayside when other things need to be done.    

How often do we look at play as frivolous?  How often do I remind everyone here that play is one of the most important things we can do to tap into creativity as well as what we need?  And how often do I slip back into old habits and work, work, work?  I mean, I know I’m not alone in that, but I preach it and still forget it.  Regardless.  I’ve felt a different type of burnout throughout this year.  It’s not like the normal burnout where I need a day off or I need to distract myself from something.  This is the type of burnout where I am so physically exhausted that I struggle to move and I am so mentally overwhelmed by the smallest things that I paralyze myself…and then get more overwhelmed because I did nothing.  It’s all mental.  And it’s all the game of doing too much.  Taking on too much without enough focus.  Being pulled in too many directions and feeling uncertain any one of them is correct.

So as I seek joy, I know play is a priority.  I know that yes, practical matters need to be attended to, but not at the sacrifice of my sanity or peace now.  Getting to the breaking point in the present will do nothing for the future any more than doing nothing will.  It’s about balance and I sincerely believe it’s achievable.  The secret is to figure out what balance is for you (me).  It won’t look the same for everyone and it won’t feel the same for everyone.  We simply need to be who we are.  For me, self-care is first on the list.  Right now I have to make sure I am cared for before dealing with anyone else (putting the oxygen mask on myself first) and part of that will be play, or at a minimum, what feels good to me in the moment.  I don’t need a reason for it other than to keep myself sane and healthy.

I am grateful for these fuzzy little creatures in my life.  I’ve run around like a scared rabbit long enough.  There is joy in life.  It’s time to dive into that joy and really embrace it as part of who I am.  The truth is I always thought I needed to be taken seriously by doing serious things.  I mean, I don’t look like your typical professional.  I thought play would damage my reputation since I had been called a bimbo from the time I was a teenager.  Keep in mind I graduated top of my class with highest honors but that didn’t matter as I laughed too loud.  Now I truly don’t give a damn.  I want to embrace life and love and damn it, it is serious enough without making it more complicated.  I WANT to play and have fun.  And clearly the universe wants that as well.  So I’m going for it 😊    

Today I am grateful for having another holiday with my family safely.  We haven’t been together in nearly two years so to get together and laugh and eat and play like we used to felt amazing.  Seeing everyone smile again and take the time to enjoy being together felt amazing.  We didn’t get to celebrate at Thanksgiving so it felt especially important to take the time to get together.  Simply being present and being together was more than enough.  Helping each other set up the house and razzing each other felt like no time had passed.  And I know in the grand scheme of things, two years isn’t that much and starting different traditions isn’t bad, but when you are acutely aware of how precious time is, it feels like so much more is lost.  I am happy we didn’t waste any more time.

Today I am grateful for the time I need to get well emotionally, physically, and mentally.  I was honestly concerned that I wouldn’t be able to have the holiday because I felt a bit under the weather starting on Thursday.  I went as slow as I could and I got a lot of rest.  I listened to what my body needed and it worked.  I honestly felt so much better on Saturday.  I’m looking forward to the time off I have this next week to really recuperate and feel my way back to myself. I have been working up to this for a while and my mind and body are telling me exactly what I need.  My brain has felt like I’ve been trying to shift gears and keep missing the clutch so it just grinds and grinds.  Now I’m taking the time to find the right gear for me.        

Today I am grateful for safety.  I woke up this morning knowing that I was safe.  On the surface, I know I’ve created a good life for myself and my family—I am truly blessed.  In spite of that, I have been living waiting for the other shoe to drop for a long time.  I’m always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me so to speak.  We’ve been in our home for 6 months now and I’ve been waiting for things to just fall apart—and I don’t know why.  Maybe it’s the fatalistic attitude I was trained with or maybe it’s just lacking trust in those around me or even in myself.  But today, after working with my family yesterday, after taking the time to listen to my body and seeing the results, I truly felt supported for the first time in a long time.  I felt truly safe.

Today I am grateful for trust.  Along with safety, I am grateful for the reminder that it is ok to trust.  I often feel it’s necessary to carry the weight of the world because I want to make sure people know I’m doing my part.  It’s a generational trauma thing where we don’t ever feel like we are doing enough.  Plus it’s a self-confidence thing where I don’t want people to feel like I haven’t earned my place.  Regardless, I got really vulnerable with my husband and I feel it was reciprocated.  It is the first time in a long time I allowed myself to believe something positive about myself that came from another person.  I mean, I don’t believe we need a ton of external validation, but I do believe that we need something from those we love.  It’s reciprocity.  I am grateful my words were received today. 

Today I am grateful for rhythm.  Specifically my rhythm.  There is something about knowing your step and your place in where you want to be that is so soothing and comforting.  It’s a true recognition of the soul.  It’s a true recognition of who we are and that is the greatest form of love we can show ourselves.  All of the things I would normally stress about doing feel somewhat further away today.  I know there are still things that need to be done, but the reality is there just isn’t a need to worry about them.  It’s such a waste of time.  Being present is what I need more than anything.  It’s like what I was talking about earlier with feeling safe.  I can trust it will all get done.  I don’t need to rush through anything.  It will all get done. 

Today I am grateful for reminders and synchronicity.  The universe constantly sends us messages until we understand what it’s trying to tell us.  I mentioned above about the grinding of gears and the knowing that I need a break.  The body/mind connection is so real and if our mind wants to ignore what our body tells us then it will eventually find a way to break through.  So will the universe.  I believe in the messages of animals and I have been thinking about one in particular (a piece is coming on that) and it showed up for me today.  The message coincides perfectly with the burnout I’ve been feeling…so thank you universe, for the reminder!

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead

This Christmas has been a reminder of many things.  I know most holidays are stressful with the production that goes into it and the unexpressed emotions around people who sometimes don’t know the truth about who we are.  In spite of all that, it is a reminder to enjoy the time we have together.  Time passes quickly and you never know when it may be the last holiday you have together.  My family has an odd love for each other.  We tend to harbor a lot of resentment without talking about what the real issue is and then get angry when we repeat the behavior.  Yet we all somehow still want to get together.  I have this image in my head of what it’s like to be family and what it’s like to be present with each other and it nearly never turns out that way. 

We celebrated with my in-laws last week and it was such a different vibe.  I used to feel like my husband’s family was a bit mean because of how direct they were with each other.  But I see how they are able to have the conversation and move on which is a thousand times more productive than holding on to something for 20 years and rehashing it over and over again in your head and getting mad because someone doesn’t get it.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, there is still drama of sorts and there are still dysfunctional things with people not speaking to each other, but once some time passes, they all come back together again. 

None of this is to say that I don’t love the holidays.  I adore the pomp and circumstance and the lights and the glitter and the ability to be happy for no other reason than we get to spoil each other a bit.  I love preparing a great meal and having my family around me and playing games.  I love creating a new tradition mixed with the old.  I love seeing the roles shift and watching my parents be the grand-parents and light up seeing the grandkids marvel at the magic of it all.  I love creating the magic!

This year I am especially appreciative of having a place to bring the family so we can be together safely and comfortably.  I’m grateful to have the family together again for a holiday after nearly two years.  I’m grateful I fell right back into the routine of the prep and managed to get it together.  It didn’t matter what it looked like in the end, but I’m always glad to try and give my best to everyone.  I’m so happy for the memories of what we did together.  The games, the laughter, the kids running around.  Life is chaotic enough, but ironically enough this chaos is life.  Hearing it all, the loudness, the laughter that is life.  We get to cherish that while it is here.  What a gift.

I’m having a moment of writer’s block.  I have tons of prompts and the words just aren’t coming.  My mind is straying with the other things I need to be doing to get ready for the holiday and I’m spinning out a tiny bit.  It isn’t unmanageable by any means, it’s just frustrating.  There are distractions all over between the house, my family, the animals, the things I want to do to make the holiday special…all of it.  And the creativity that I normally tap into seems barren at the moment.  Or is it because I’m demanding the creativity right in this moment when I’ve allotted the time for it?  I’ve been baking and decorating and cleaning and organizing and all sorts of other creative projects—but this creativity for my expression isn’t coming when I need it. 

I spent some time beating myself up and then I decided to share about not being able to tap into what I need to do.  This isn’t a time to push, this is a time to be honest.  This is a time to sit with what I’m feeling and think about why I can’t get into what I’m trying to do.  There is something in me stopping me from focusing on what I want to be doing.  Some long repressed belief trying to peek through?  Like maybe I don’t deserve to do what I want to do.  And suddenly I’m feeling like all I want to do is slipping away.  the ground beneath me doesn’t feel stable and I’m questioning what I really want.  Trying to keep all of these balls in the air has been too much for too long and I’m losing sight on what I really wanted in the first place.  Throwing darts and seeing where they land isn’t cutting it any more. 

I know this.  But at the same time this fear and anxiety isn’t helping to get things moving.  So I have to give in and relax.  I have to allow whatever this is to happen.  I guess it’s time to get in the present moment and get really honest.  Stop loving a dream and start being who I am.  It’s also about recognizing that this is simply a moment.  The fear and anxiety will pass.  I will get back on track and all will flow again.  We aren’t in normal circumstances right now.  

We celebrated the holidays early with my husband’s side of the family.  My son got this really impressive T-Rex remote control dinosaur.  Let me tell you.  Releasing this toy from its box was nothing short of an Ocean’s 11 type production.  I understand the need for anti-theft devices blah blah etc., however, this thing was literally screwed into the box on top of having those little tab-release key things on the back—in 4 different spots.  I tried four different screw drivers trying to get this damn thing out so my kid could play with it—and they didn’t work.  My thumbs are still numb from trying to open this thing.  I ended up destroying the box in order to more easily unscrew the holds.  And I finally just broke those damn things off because they weren’t moving either.

So.  What I want to share aside from a good lesson in learning to keep my cool while opening gifts, is that we always have to look for other ways to solve the problem.  Yes, I tried to play ball and do the right thing to nicely release the remote lizard from its prison, but that clearly wasn’t in the cards.  It took me nearly 20 minutes of fighting with this thing before I gave up the idea of perfect box saved to be played with.  Then it took me another 10 minutes of trying to unscrew the extra tabs before I literally just broke those off.  It didn’t matter if there was a box to play with as a background, it didn’t matter if things were pretty, it didn’t matter if I did it the “right” way.  I found some peace there 😊.  We have to get creative sometimes and go about our tasks in a different way than we planned. 

It still all turned out taking the ugly route.  Once the box was destroyed and this remote beast was unleashed, my kid gleefully played with it on the floor and the table.  He even sent the screaming thing after me telling me it was yelling at me.  I smiled and let the success warm my heart—I won, the box was dead, and my kid was happy.  And then in perfect four-year old Holiday ecstasy, he stopped playing with it after 10 minutes and moved on to the play-doh.  So my friends, don’t ever let temporary things get to you or your ideas of what “should” be.  No one cares and life moves on anyway.  I need a drink.        

“Remember, no one makes you angry—you decided to use anger as a response,” unknown.  This is a bit of a trigger for me because it lacks mutual accountability.  On the surface, I get it.  It’s about emotional control and knowing how to not rise to the bait.  However, there is another side to this.  We are far too casual with how we treat people and far too entitled with what we expect from people versus the system.  With our instant everything society, we’ve formed the habit of expecting people to know how we feel and how we should be treated at all times.  We expect people to meet our expectations without even knowing who we are.  We expect them to KNOW what our expectations are, how to address us, how to avoid our triggers, and to meet all of those expectations with a glance.  I know we are looking for acceptance, but you can’t demand that.  The world doesn’t work that way.  You have to create your own acceptance and let the rest roll off.

We have forgotten humanity to a degree and much of that comes because we aren’t getting what we need.  We are taught that we need things to make us happy and that if we buy into the system we will be taken care of.  As we are moving on, we are seeing more and more how little we are cared for by the system yet we feed into it because we don’t know how to break it.  Humans are not systems nor are they machines but we treat each other as if we are endlessly and ceaselessly meant to fulfill obligations to others.  There will come a point when being treated like this will make anyone explode.

Now, I want to caveat that yes, we can always choose the response we use, but in those moments we are intentionally triggered or gaslit, I personally hold no qualms about immediately turning that on the other person.  I may get angry, yes, but I will not allow you to put any of that crap on me.  I will not take responsibility for fulfilling your needs or for any pitfall you may have.  For a long time I looked at the outside world and internalized everyone’s issues but spit my own out on other people as well.  It wasn’t until I learned to do the opposite that I could really see how to address the issue at the source.  And that is something people don’t like to do either.  We like to band-aid what we THINK the issue is rather than address the wound.

This quote bothers me because it’s an oversimplification of the problem.  Yes, there is always self-control.  But you can’t continually poke a bear and not expect it to maul you.  Similarly, we can’t keep dumping our crap on people, our insecurities, our expectations, or even pointing their issues out to them and not expect some level of push back.  We are human and we do have limits.  I don’t want people to think that they need to constantly bear the brunt of other people and always be the bigger person.  There is a time for that but not at the expense of YOU.  I also don’t want people to feel shame for what they do.  There is a biological purpose for anger and it firmly and clearly establishes boundaries.  Anger doesn’t have to be the go-to response, but there is a time for it.  It is ALWAYS ok to set that boundary when someone continually pushes you.      

A reminder on communication—(you can see my previous posts on this as well 😊).  We have a project at work where we are moving offices.  I met with one of the key players today who is helping us move and found out he had no clue on several key points.  I saw his frustration and realized that no one communicated with him…at all.  Emails were going back and forth talking about who needed to do what, more information was missing, and it was clear the planning stage didn’t have everyone there who should have been.  And as I mention all the time, this is applicable to so many things happening now.  We don’t communicate anymore—we think we do, but we really don’t say much.  We use words that imply without directly expressing what is happening. 

My friends, communication is so important.  With the transition of so much life to screens, we are missing something we used to have.  We are missing the ability to converse.  We spew points at each other, arguments, place blame, when all we need to do is eliminate the middle man and have a conversation.  We all have misunderstandings, that is natural, but we have forgotten how to resolve them, and it is so critical.  When it feels like we are speaking on two different wave lengths, that is when we have to try harder, not shut down.

I think the way to fix this is to simply start speaking with people again.  Reach out.  Learn to connect.  We are so trained and focused on manipulating people to get what we want from them that we have forgotten that they are human.  We have forgotten how to work with their humanity because we don’t know how to find it in ourselves either.  Find the common ground, find the connection, find the outreach.  Find what speaks to you and learn to speak that to others.  We are ALL desperately seeking connection and technology makes that easy—but making the connection is the hard part. 

“Sometimes you think that you want to disappear but all you really want is to be found,” unknown.  My soul has been speaking loudly the last few months.  I’ve been on this roller coaster with nearly all of my relationships and I have to come to terms with the fact that the common denominator in all of that is me.  That isn’t to say I’m really doing something wrong, it’s just that, clearly, I’m lacking somewhere.  I don’t know if it’s not trusting others out of fear or if it’s releasing the idea of who I thought I was.  Regardless of that, the part I know is true is that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  No matter where I’m at or who I’m with, I feel like I’m the outsider. 

I’ve been looking for connection but it took me until VERY recently to realize that what I considered connection was really codependence and control.  I didn’t have a good definition of connection when it came to relationships.  I didn’t have a good definition of connection with MYSELF.  I was raised that anything for me was selfish and needed to be earned, and that playing on sympathy was the only way to get what I needed.  I was never raised to find strength in me or to develop my talents.  So much of this was about learning who I really am and unlearning what I thought I was.  I have all of these beliefs and reasons why I behave as I do and I never really stopped to look at why.  It felt hypocritical because I sincerely believe in the messages I share but I haven’t been a great example of that.  And now the universe is telling me loud and clear this isn’t right.  I know that’s the message because none of my old ways feel right and they aren’t working. 

When what we used to do no longer feels right, it feels disorienting—and that is where I’ve been.  But, for me, this is a way to look at the past and identify where I can heal.  I have long made peace with the fact that my parents did the absolute best they could.  I know what they did had some repercussions on me (to say the least) but I truly harbor no resentment about that.  That doesn’t mean we can repeat the patterns and making those changes is painful.  This isn’t just about the parental relationship, but it’s about the habits those relationships taught me early on.  One of those habits has been to do everything on my own so I wasn’t perceived as weak.  In reality, I needed others—we ALL do.  But the first step is learning to trust yourself and to break those habits of not knowing who you are—or at least those are the steps for me.

So I’ve been trying to reclaim myself and do things that make sense to me, that bring me joy, that make me happy.  I am no longer content to be ignored.  I am being made uncomfortable in order to raise my voice so more people can hear me.  The ones who don’t hear me after that are not for me and I would normally lament that, but I know I am not for everyone.  That is ok.  I am looking for those who need me and for those who speak my language.  We all need those who speak our language.  So if you find yourself feeling as I did, that nothing was working and no one understood, I encourage you to stop thinking it’s all you.  Look around and see if there is anyone who does speak your language.  Or are you surrounded by people who make you feel bad for not knowing what they’re saying?  If it’s the latter, get out.  Find where you belong and you do that by finding yourself first.  The rest will come.