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Is it selfish to want to be your best?  I was watching an amazing motivational video today from Simon Sinek and he spoke of the dynamic with business, specifically that you have to take care of people, take care of others in order to succeed.  So much of what he said resonated with me until he started talking about the self-help industry and how he hated it.  That gave me great pause.  I will start this by saying that I haven’t read any other comments from him regarding this, so I will not jump to a conclusion but this is a statement I have heard many others agree with—and I am obstinately against it.

Hearing Sinek equate the self-help industry to a bunch of whiney people who were self-serving mad me tense up a little.  I feel this is the very belief that eats away at a person’s ability to take care of themselves.  The simple answer is that we need a middle ground.  No one can survive by giving too much of themselves or focusing too much on themselves.

I also take a very different view of self-help because it is something that helped me profusely.  Self-help applied correctly, meaning helping identify the areas you legitimately need work and walking you through that, can be a game changer.  When you are able to function from your highest capacity, in tune with your purpose and abilities, THAT is when you do your best work for others.  This supports the idea that there is a middle ground, moreso, that the act of caring for self and caring for others are dependent on each other.

To mistake self-help as self-serving is a misinterpretation of what it is at its core.  There is a need to be at your best in order to give successfully, without resentment or expectation.  Your needs have to be met on some level and the truth is not everyone is going to give you what you deserve.  This is where you need to be strong and have enough sense to realize when you are able to help and when you are not.  It isn’t selfish to set a boundary when your energy is depleted beyond what you can spare.  It isn’t selfish to make sure you’re replenished because you can then give that energy in whatever form to others, really to those who need it.

Don’t let others dissuade you from something that works for you.  No matter what it means.  When you are able to apply the healing aspect of introspection into helping others, that is when the work has come full circle and that is what we need to look for. I feel that we are in a certain time where that industry is focusing on an area that needs it—we all need to heal.  When we heal, when we are whole, when we are connected, that is when we can do our best. That isn’t to say that I don’t understand the point of how easily self-help can become self-serving—it most certainly can.  But at its core, it’s about being the best, most fulfilled self you can be and helping others do the same.

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I’ve been doing some deep work related to healing over the last several months.  What I’ve realized is that I have been the one responsible for creating all the drama and anxiety in my life.  For anyone dealing with anxiety, this is a huge admission—and it has been extremely cathartic.

Most of my life I have lived in a constant state of, “I have to do X” and I would let it repeat over and over in my mind, running wild.  The effect was nearly devastating to me.  My brain was stretched to the maximum, I felt angry, I felt exhausted, and I would inevitably forget things—and if I forgot something, my word did I lose it.  I’d never forgive myself.  So then I would also carry the weight of simply forgetting something minor as a failure for absolutely no reason.  And the cycle would repeat and repeat.

I started looking at my other habits and realized that a lot of this was part of my personality.  In an effort to be accepted and to prove I was doing “enough” I realized I was taking on too much.  Project after project, commitment after commitment.  And then in my down time, I would crash so the important things were not getting done—the things that were important to me.  THIS is what created the exhaustion and overwhelm.  I was there for everyone but myself and I realized that I was expecting them to pick up for me like I did for them. Naturally I’d feel taken advantage of and cycle into anger.  And the truth is simple: not everyone will be there for you as you are there for them so choose how you spend your energy wisely.

And that is what I started doing and THAT was a game changer for me.  The things I need to accomplish are a priority and where there is time left, that is when I look at anything else.  For anyone else who is a people pleaser, you know how monumental this move is.  This is the moment that you take control back of your life.

So I started simply by writing things down that I didn’t want to forget.  It helped because I had a clear indicator of what I had to do rather than rely on my brain to remember everything.  Can you guess what happened next?  That’s right: Inevitably the list would spiral out of control.  I had to simplify.  I had to admit my humanity and understand that I couldn’t do it all—or at least I couldn’t do it all right now.   In order to see progress, I would have to focus.

I had been working from a state of scattered attention so I took the time to write down EVERY little task that I wanted to accomplish—everything from caulking the tub to looking at business school.  Then I categorized each task (health, business, home projects etc.).  For anything that didn’t fit into a category, I asked if this is something that needs to be added to the list at all.  If I was able to fit it in I did, if not it went to a side pile—and then I got to work.  I want to add that this process took a lot out of me as well.  Having spent years working on things for others, my to-do list always came from other people.  Coming up with what really mattered to ME and deciding what I want to do from there was a journey of its own for this people-pleaser.  But the unfolding process of finding what really matters to me is beautiful because I am reacquainting with myself and finding the pieces of myself that I’d left for “someday”—and I realized that “someday” is today.  No one else was going to do it for me.

This process has been incredibly successful for me. It took a lot of trial and error for me to settle on this route and it took accepting my role in my current state.  I was overcomplicating my life with everything I tried to fit in and spinning in circles rather than taking the right action steps.  I also realized that simply getting done what needed to get done rather than putting it off “because I have time” changes things too—and yes that habit also contributed to my anxiety.   Side note: I will admit that the anxiety is still there but it abates much more easily and far more completely than it used to—and it isn’t as cyclical, it has more to do with my lack of patience.  So in those moments, I try to pause and reflect and simply refocus my attention.  I’m not interested in wasting energy any longer so in those anxious moments the redirect is key.

My goal is to improve my life, not to waste it with anxious thoughts and regret of what I didn’t do.  That means moving forward and DOING the work—and there is nothing like taking down a completed sticky note.  The tasks on those notes are not things that can be done in one day so when it happens, it is a big deal and it is an indicator of progress.  I feel a genuine sense of calm and even a little bit of pride when I am able to take one down.  It helps me get clearer and clearer on where I am going and what I want my life to look like.  And I feel peace knowing that those actions are getting me closer to where I want to be.

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In follow up to my discussion about time, I wanted to follow up with some transitional thoughts.  It’s amazing how the universe can shift with a simple decision.  As soon as I made the decision to enter B-School and commit to myself to see this business through, I began feeling differently.

The first thing I felt was relief at being able to call my own shots.  There are few things we have control over in this world and to take the steps toward a goal we’ve had for a long time is indescribable on some levels.  The realness that enters your life once you’ve made a decision is awesome–it becomes something finite and tangible rather than speculation.  That in itself is a relief.

I felt excitement to begin building.  I’ve had the opportunity to facilitate projects before, but this is the first one that is entirely my own.  That sense of potential and the feeling that precedes the beginning of something big is electrifying.

Suddenly things began to get clear.  I was able to see the next steps that previously seemed unattainable or overwhelming.  Additionally the goal itself became clear because that feeling of having to accomplish it all or wanting to go in a million directions faded.  The purpose of the path I chose became the driving force rather than the end result.

Finally, acceptance that in order to fully move forward, I need to let my old way of being die.  I need to let go of all the resistance and the need to shape my life as I see it—it’s time to let it all flow organically.  I’ve asked to grow and this is what it takes to be positioned better to get to the next level.  “Endings are necessary to experience beginnings and beginnings are required for growth.” Vibe of the day—Law of Attraction.  A few weeks ago I wrote about beginnings and endings and to get this validation today after taking massive action was all the confirmation I needed that I am on the right path.

With that acceptance of the need to let go, I’ve also felt some separation and loneliness at work because things are moving around me and without me.  But, as I mentioned above, I’ve got to let go of the connection to this life in order to fully embrace the life I’m building.  I can’t keep a foot where I’m at because that is going to keep me from fulfilling what I need to.

As scared as I’ve been of time and of what comes next (specifically that things won’t ever be how they were) I see now that it’s just the natural progression of life.  There is beauty in movement.  There is grace in progress.  There is comfort in acceptance.  And all it took was taking that first step.  I say to the universe, “Lead on.”