My Biggest Fear

black and white photo of clocks

Photo by Andrey Grushnikov on Pexels.com

“I release time and let the universe show me what to do,” Gabby Bernstein Super Attractor Deck.  Time is something I have feared my entire life.  Lovely gift from generations on my maternal side and it’s difficult to tell if it’s learned or if it’s just in our bones by now.  Time is the greatest cause of anxiety for me.  My whole life I’ve thought about how life just ticks away day after day toward an inevitable death.  I felt like every second was wasted so I’d get overwhelmed feeling like I had to do everything so I could accomplish it all and then I wouldn’t be able to get anything done so I’d end up doing nothing and wasting the time anyway.  I lost a lot of people at a young age and it made me terrified of losing people I loved early on.  I created terrible, horrifying scenarios from the time I was 5 years old and used to have complete anxiety attacks just watching my parents go to work. I never wanted to play with friends far from home because I didn’t want to lose them.

The fear only got worse as I got older and I developed a compulsive need to be on time all the time and to track time and be in bed on time and up on time.  I couldn’t even go out on a weeknight because I was afraid of forgetting to do things on time or not waking up on time.

While working on the things I want to change in my life, one of the top things was to release the fears that didn’t serve.  That included the fear of time.  honestly I had visions of what people who aren’t afraid of time looked like and how they functioned but it made me physically uncomfortable to think about not caring about time.  I just couldn’t let go.  I mean, even to the point where I didn’t want to stay at work an extra 10 minutes because I knew that the traffic got that much worse in that amount of time.  It really impacted my day.  If I wanted to start something by 6pm and that didn’t happen, even if it was 6:15, I wouldn’t start it because I felt like it was too late.

So to get this card, it felt like an affirmation that this is an area of my life that definitely needed to be addressed.  Learning to make friends with something you’ve feared is terrifying.  Like a child who has been attacked by dogs, it takes time to look the animal in the face and make peace with it.  And it takes even longer to welcome that fear.  I’ve quoted Liz Gilbert before because she said it beautifully: “I decided that fear can come along for the ride but it can never drive.” I spent years with my fear in the driver seat because I didn’t know there was another way.  I let it dictate my day and everything I did or didn’t do.  If something didn’t meet my requirements for when it had to be done, I wouldn’t participate.  I knew it was a problem.   Working with my fear of time has been a fight with my brain.  I still haven’t welcomed my fear of time that openly because at the end of the day I’m afraid of what happens in the end.  It’s time to embrace it because at the end of the day it’s just a facet of my anxiety—and that is workable.  Everything is.

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