Today I am grateful for the budding fruits of my efforts.  I woke up yesterday (the second Saturday I’ve spent in my new house) and I went to my office (OMG I have a dedicated office!!) and I felt myself smile.  My books surround me, my writing is everywhere, my desk is filled with everything I need to work, I have artwork to put up, and it is EVERYTHING I could have wanted.  I don’t take a second of this for granted.  I created a space for myself to be inspired and to create and to feel comfortable.  A sanctuary I’ve wanted for a long time—and I have it now!  When you see something you’ve wanted come together after so long, you can’t help but feel like some benevolent force was on your side.  It’s all happening!

Today I am grateful for the improvements I’m making to myself.  Granted I’m not where I want to be, but I am infinitely closer than where I was 18 months ago.  I’m so happy I started teaching myself the value of pushing through when it came to the things I wanted.  I’m so happy I started setting my own boundaries.  I’m so happy I realized that my dreams had worth and that I could bring something else to the table.  I spent too many days, nights, weeks, months, years letting myself be miserable and getting caught up in distractions—material things, eating, drinking, other people’s bullshit.  I woke up and understood living like that wasn’t going to get me where I wanted to be.  I realized I had to put in the work.  I learned that I was allowed to do the things I wanted to do without permission.  If you feel stuck and you’re tired of living the same day on repeat, I can tell you, it is infinitely better on this side.  Take the leap.   

Today I am grateful to break old patterns.  I’ve been doing a ton of work around the house and it has left me feeling exhausted.  Yes, it is satisfying, but it is a lot of work especially when you work, have projects going on, and have a toddler.  I’ve felt like I’ve been letting things slip and fall through the cracks.  Normally I would feel angry and disappointed in myself.  But now I see my humanity, and I’m proud.  We’ve been here just over a week, I’ve had to go back to work, and I have still managed to make progress in every area of this house.  I’m proud of my resilience and determination and my drive.  I’m proud that I recognize the work done rather than the work not done.  Even if things have been forgotten, we are all still standing and we are just FINE. 

Today I’m grateful for reminders that goals can be achieved—even at different paces.  Prior to this change in environments, my husband and I really specialized in laziness.  We were far too casual with our goals/dreams and it was easy to fall into patterns of victimhood.  When we got here the first thing I said was that laziness no longer suits this family.  We have been granted so much in life—and we want to do so much more—so with more effort and focus, imagine what could happen.  So I jumped all in.  I’ve been running like a machine and yes, it is tiring, but it is all getting done.  With focused effort, it is all getting done.  It is amazing what is possible when you DO. 

Today I am grateful for a new level of tolerance.  I’m learning to manage my emotions better and that means I’m learning to use my words more appropriately.  As I said above, I’ve jumped all in on this new life.  This is what we said we wanted, it’s time to be HERE and to match this level.  There is no more room for allowing life to passively happen.  That being said, I’ve been annoyed with some mismatched efforts from my partner. Power washing the house as it’s raining isn’t exactly a priority for me when there are roughly 300 boxes left to go through…just saying.   As I felt my resentment building, it hit me: this feeling is also a choice.  We have different priorities right now, but we’ve always managed to get through.  We’ve been together 20 years and we have always gotten through.  He’s adjusting to this as well.  Everything will happen as it is meant to, and it will all get done.

Today I am grateful for learning.  I’ve been shifting my focus from present comfort to long term security and freedom.  It requires a significant change in my thought process because you’re thinking much further down the road.  I did a pretty good job planning for the year, but learning this stuff and how to create long term financial and personal control has been mind blowing.  I got into self-help work several years ago and learning about personal empowerment was life changing.  This is another one of those moments.  Learning to take action on long term plans and seeing the results is beyond fulfilling.  We have so much capacity for creativity and so much power to change the way things are done—we have to stop letting people tell us when it’s enough.  Go big!

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead. 

Chadwick Boseman said, “I don’t know what your future is, but if you are willing to take the harder way, the more complicated one, the one with more failures at first than successes, the one that has ultimately proven to have more meaning, more victories, more glory, then you will not regret it.”  I’ve spoken candidly many times about regretting not living my life how I wanted to sooner.  When you struggle with anxiety, you do things that soothe or comfort the fears your mind creates– like people please or shelter yourself.  Your validation comes externally and that means your world collapses easily because it is built on the flimsy foundation of people’s whims/opinions.  Your life belongs to them, not you. 

It takes incredible strength and perseverance to step away from what people tell you you should be doing and to venture out into the world of what you know is right for you, a world of your own creation.  It’s terrifying to take that first step knowing you may fail or that the people you relied on for reassurance are now no longer there or they are now telling you that you can’t do it.  When you put aside all of that nonsense and take the leap, the universe has a way of catching you.  The key is not to get discouraged when you fall.  Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to see what you really want.

The beautiful thing about the bottom is there isn’t anywhere else to go but up.  It is so important to normalize falling.  We actually already do it—when children learn to walk, they tumble repeatedly and we praise them for their efforts and we tell them to get back up again, over and over until they finally get it.  And when they do finally master their wobbly little legs into more confident strides, we celebrate like they won the biggest match of their lives.  The truth is we know that learning takes time and it’s wobbly at first.  We are prepared for the falls when we are younger but somehow shame them as we get older.  How do we lose sight of the value in the process?  What makes us think that we should automatically know how to do everything with no learning curve?  We put this expectation on ourselves to be the masters of life by a certain age.  We forget that isn’t how it works. We need to keep an open mind and always be willing to learn. 

We aren’t designed to perfect this life–we are designed to make the perfect life for ourselves.  No one’s journey will look the same—and it isn’t meant to.  We need to teach resilience and fortitude and we have to celebrate those traits the same way we do when we are children.  Somehow we remember the value in starting little and allow that for children and push it aside as adults.  We need to level the field and stop looking at someone further along in the process and using that as an excuse to not start.  When someone is further ahead on the spectrum we need to normalize that as inspiration, not a reason to stay behind.  It’s motivation, not competition.

The reward of the work is the result from your efforts.  There is no punishment for failing as we try—that is how we learn the lessons.  It’s all about how you want to put yourself out there and what you want to make of it.  You have the ability to do anything—so build the resilience to keep going when you feel like you’ve reached your max.  Trust me, there is always more when you feel depleted.  Rest if you must, but don’t stop.  You will never regret it.

Just a short post about the power of belief.  I found myself feeling swayed in my abilities for a long time.  I never wanted to take the leap before I was ready—or not take the full leap.  I limited myself to the puddle jumps, always finding a way to control what came next.  I finally got to a point where there weren’t any small stones left to jump; I was at the chasm that required THE leap of faith.  Faith in myself and faith that asking for what I really wanted (and going for it) was the right thing to do.  It wasn’t until right before I pushed myself over the precipice and started acting on what I wanted that I started to question whether or not those doubts made any sense. 

I looked at myself and wanted to know why I was still doing the same things over an over again—in spite of knowing that if I wanted something, I needed to start behaving in alignment with it.  I came across a quote from Aija Mayrock who asks, “Who do you want to be? What do you want to achieve? What do you believe?” It is all a choice.  We get to decide when we stop doubting ourselves and when we stop going along with what we are told.  I found those simple questions reassuring and reaffirming my abilities.  People don’t get to tell us what we can do—we show them what we can do.  We believe in ourselves and the rest falls into place.

Just last week I discussed the empowering feeling of being goal driven and executing.  As I navigated through several tough weeks, I felt exhausted, but I also felt pride that I did it.  The difference in getting through that time and me taking the leap into the unknown was not only planning, but the belief that I could do it.  There is a distinct change when you go from uncertain steps to clear action.  And that all comes from believing in yourself.  Once we practice that enough, we eventually go from believing we can execute a plan to believing we can take the step into the unknown, plan or no plan.

“In order for any significant change to happen, we first have to believe that we can actually make an impact and that we ourselves can change,” Marie Forleo.  What a perfect follow up to our discussion on seeing our own strength and getting rid of self-doubt.  The first step to making change is recognizing what we are capable of.  Once we recognize our capacity and learn what it takes to function at that level, there is no stopping us. 

Learning to believe in our ability to change means pushing ourselves to the limit of what we think we can do.  It can be anything from learning to bake, to running that extra mile, to building a website, to making that first investment.  We live in our comfort zone while we dream about something else instead of actually doing it.  Pushing ourselves and accomplishing what we thought we couldn’t is the ultimate way to build resilience and the ability to set the example for change.  There are always the fearless few who have taken the chance to do something different than the rest.  Those people are usually deemed crazy at first, but once the world sees the purpose and the intent, they usually catch on pretty quickly.

In spite of that, what really matters is YOUR vision of how something works.  The point is, it doesn’t matter what they believe or not, it matters what you believe.  Showing the world our example of change and the courage it takes to go against the norm breaks the cycle.  The world may take some time to recognize the value in doing something differently—that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it now.  We need more examples of people following their instincts and doing what is right for them.  We need to show the world that there is more possible than the systems we have created.  If you want to see change, you need to be the change. 

The world just needs to see enough people creating a new norm for a new norm to be created—if that makes sense.  Setting a new standard takes a critical mass of people stepping up and taking control of their lives.  That is as radical as learning to believe in yourself and going after your dreams.  Waking up from the matrix of comfort and consumerism we’ve created as a distraction from our ability and going after what we really want.  But it all starts with one person and their conviction to go after what they want in spite of what other people say. 

“You can literally feel when it’s time to move into your life’s next chapter” (via Be Spiritual).  As I was writing about signs, I did some prep work and found this quote which was a perfect follow up.  When we see what we are able to do and we start putting away all the bullshit distractions, there is an energy that clings to us and moves us in a way we never moved before.  We have a tendency to allow ourselves to either collapse into our emotions or distract ourselves from them.  We get caught up in what other people are doing or what we think they should be doing and we try to control what is outside of us instead of what is within ourselves.  We instinctually know when what we are doing doesn’t work any longer but we drag out the inevitable and try to stick ourselves back on the path that we are used to. 

I believe it’s a primal instinct that tries to keep us safe by keeping us in familiar territory. It serves a purpose because if we know what to anticipate then we know what comes next and it seems like there is no danger.  We are social animals and we integrate what happens to other people before we let it happen to us.  If we follow the herd we feel like we know what will happen to us.  But that is not how the universe works and that is certainly not where growth is.  We are meant to have our own experiences and build what works for us, and that only happens when we dive in and work with what is actually happening to us. 

Being comfortable is nice because of the perceived security it provides but it doesn’t give us what we need.  We get what we need when we go with the natural flow of our lives and we live our story.  When we set a goal in motion, the universe will present the steps we need to take.  It is up to us to either begin the climb or to fall back into old habits.  It may feel good to run the track but it feels even better moving up—and the view is a hell of a lot better from the top of an accomplishment than from the bottom of a plan we never make moves on.

As soon as we got in this house and I felt my body adapting to the work I put it through, I felt a different drive.  I realized that it wasn’t up to me to fight for my comfort zone, it was time to fight for what I’ve always said I wanted to do.  I could feel some of the habits I took part of daily didn’t feel good anymore—they felt wrong.  I could feel myself willing and ready to give up those old behaviors in favor of a new choice.  It felt natural and timely.  Granted, the things I’m trying to do are still going to take time and planning and focus, but that is a different type of control.  It is discipline and sticking with it.  That isn’t to say it’s about rigidly fixating on what needs to be done, but it is about deciding to do what aligns versus what makes you feel good in the moment.  We always have a choice and it’s about favoring the long term over the present need to feel safe.  Life is on the other side of that line. 

The universe loves to play cosmic tricks on us and to remind us how small we are, yet how much we can actually accomplish when we focus and do the work.  A few days after we moved into the new house we found out that our friends know the people who bought our old house.  At first I looked at it as this is a small world, a coincidence.  But the more I thought about it, I took into account how big of a coincidence it is.  All of the people and events in the world who had to come together to bring that specific group of people back together and how we were meant to know our neighbors to be the ones to sell the house to a group of people they knew.  There probably is some number on it, but the odds seemed pretty slim to me, yet, here we are.

I always look for signs whether it is pulling cards in the morning or looking for hawks as I’m driving along or feathers falling—whatever it is.  Depending on what it is, I take it on a fairly general level (like I’m on the right track) or specific (like yes, you need to take more active steps toward X).  This whole process with our move began over a year ago when we impulsively put money down on a new build and were unable to sell our home.  We spent the last year improving on our finances, but I spent the last year really focusing on personal development as well and on defining what I want to do next.  It wasn’t until this year when I started facing multiple issues with my health that I finally got my act together and took my role in my own life seriously.  THAT is when the ball started rolling. 

I stopped living my life by telling others what to do and I dove in.  I started practicing what I preached—and now I know I need to do even more.  When you live in your little bubble and put these limitations on yourself, you are doing the entire world a disservice and you will absolutely feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied.  That is exactly where I was at.  I kept wondering why things weren’t manifesting and why certain things were taking so long.  It’s because I substituted one track of repeat self-sabotage for a higher grade of repeat self-improvement—I never moved forward.  I thought that once I attained a certain level of self awareness that the life I wanted would just flow.  I know now there was a certain level of arrogance and ego surrounding that.  We can always do more and often times we need to.  I thought it felt good to garner a level of security and stop.  I was raised that way and, looking back, I see that was the goal of a different generation where that was possible.  Where you put in your time with a company and they took care of you.  That isn’t our reality.  And living like that that led me to living the same day on repeat which got boring really quickly. 

To be clear, I’m not saying that the pause isn’t necessary, but there is a difference between living the same day over and over again because it feels comfortable and taking a rest because your body/mind needs it.  When we are actively creating a life, we spend a lot of energy designing and executing that vision so it is wearing.  That expenditure is a well earned reprieve/rest from work that serves a purpose.  The compulsion to create comfort repels it because we quickly become bored in our comfort zones—there is no growth.  This again means following the signs, both internal and external.  They are all around us all the time.  We just have to learn to read them.

The universe always puts us on the track we are meant to—there are truly no accidents.  Making a huge move like this was terrifying but I know that I am meant to be making these changes.  I know all the pieces are lining up how they should.  Before I would have sat back and just thought I’m where I’m meant to be.  Now I’m excited thinking about what is next.  If that many pieces can fall into place to bring us here, then I know there are infinite more steps we can take to get us where we are going and they will all show up when we need them. 

Today I am grateful for our new home.  I’ve been working toward a life like this for a while and now that it is finally here, it is amazing.  Seeing things come together and being able to give back is amazing.  Putting together a plan—even if it doesn’t go exactly as you plan—and watching it unfold is amazing.  Knowing what it took to get here and knowing that I am able to do more is amazing.  I have felt my drive rekindled and my purpose—knowing what I am able to do and believing it is fuel. 

Today I’m grateful for pushing my boundaries. As good as the new house feels, I’m struggling with imposter syndrome as we are working to settle into this new life.  It is everything I wanted but I’m not quite there yet.  I’m still learning to wear this new skin, to feel my way into the life that I’ve been trying to create—the life that is already here.  It requires aligning in a way that I hadn’t tried before.  I mentioned in yesterday’s post that I had been half-assing my efforts physically and I kind of feel like I was emotionally as well.  I’ve been holding myself back, needing to plan every detail, going so methodically it bordered on stopping myself in my tracks.  It is time to unleash and push and DO more.

Today I am grateful for family.  I have always said that I wouldn’t be where I am without the support of my family.  I have been trying to build this not only for myself, but for them.  To repay them for all they have done.  It is a wonderful feeling to be able to reciprocate. 

Today I am grateful to learn the lessons about who I am so I can teach my child where we end the cycle.  I’ve been emotionally weak and there is no denying it any longer.  I let my emotions run the show and then I complained about the results.  I felt entitled to the way I felt.  Granted everyone is allowed to feel a certain way—and I am not advocating to NOT feel—but we have a say in our reaction.  I constantly let myself collapse into what I was feeling.  I let my brain wear me out before I could do anything about it.  There is no need for it.  The things we tell ourselves have a way of coming true—even if they’re not true.  If we believe we are weak, then we behave weakly.  If we think we can do it, we can.  It’s all in what we tell ourselves.  I don’t want to see my child falling apart at the seams when he is held accountable for something—that is not the world being cruel, that is just life.  I am here to teach him that.

Today I am grateful to hold myself accountable.  In realizing where my weakness is physically and mentally—and clearly seeing that I am capable—I know what I have to do.  There is no room to let outside distraction slow me down.  I’ve allowed myself to give into the comfort zone too often and that is not what I want to do.  I want to push to the next level, I need to do it.  No matter the stories or the lack of motivation of those around me, if I want a certain life then I need to DO what it takes.  It takes sacrifice and drive and focus.  That has all been rekindled in me.  It is about what I can offer to make this work even better, to make this life work for me so I can use my efforts to elevate others.        

Wishing everyone a wonderful week ahead!

Normally Sundays are about gratitude (they still are) but seeing as today is July 4^th, I wanted to do a special post combining gratitude with power and the freedom that comes from that—I know it’s cheesy, but bear with me.  I’ve spent most of my life people pleasing, insecure, running to catch up, morphing who I am depending on present company, stewing and brewing my own anxiety, living in fear of missing out, trying to do it all on my own, and somewhere between anger and resentment—all the time.  It took me until my early 30s to admit that these were all fear responses.  Every action I took was either to squelch or avoid fear and to prove my worth.  When you live with that kind of fear, your life is not your own.  You’re acting, putting on a show and calling it yours when really you’re just the performer giving people what you think they want—it’s a cage.

I never felt like I was allowed to break out.  Quite honestly, I was raised to believe everyone lived like that.  I started resenting the people I saw who lived wide open, with no fear, no questions, just doing what they wanted.  I often asked myself how they were allowed to do that when I was living like a doormat.  I developed some really nasty habits and took out a lot of anger on the wrong people.  The ones who were actually there for me dealt with the brunt of my misplaced emotions.  I started hating my life.  I can’t place the exact moment, but I remember the little flame inside of me saying that it was time to start paying attention and to start putting these observations in a different context.  At a minimum, I remember waking up and not wanting to hate my life anymore.  I started looking around and I recognized that in spite of giving away much of my autonomy in favor of trying to be liked, I still managed to build a really nice life.  I still had privilege.  So I started thinking if other people were “allowed” to live according to their rules, maybe there was something I could do as well.

I started and stopped on that journey dozens of times.  I tried some things that didn’t work for me.  I tried things that started off well and got scared so I regressed to people pleasing.  I started things without clear direction and failed.  The stubbornness in me kept me moving forward.  Any time I started feeling like a victim or feeling like I was meant to be a doormat, I started telling myself that I still have a say in this and that I am fortunate enough to be alive so I am able to create what I want.  There were many moments I had to remind myself that not everything shows up at once and that patience is a skill.  I’m still reminding myself about that one. 

The key to flipping the script came in noticing patterns in others first and then looking at how I did the same thing and taking personal accountability for it.  If I saw that someone pointed the finger a lot, I looked at how I did the same thing.  Next I started looking at the habits I really wanted to break.   Once I saw the things I was doing that kept me from the things I wanted, I started looking at what I had already done.  My confidence and self-esteem always veered on the low side, so it took a lot to honor what I had already done with my life—but acknowledging those accomplishments changed the way I looked at myself.  I started to get a little glimpse of what was possible. 

After that I started looking at what I wanted to build—and this is where I still am.  The possibilities are infinite when it comes to what we can create and I LOVE that potential.  I also love the idea of creating enough to give back and to generate more flow between people.  I love the idea of consciously changing the course of this world and making it a healthier, better place.  I’m not 100% where I want to be yet, but I am well on my way.  Today I woke up in my new house, watched the sun rise, cuddled with my animals, pulled some cards, and started working.  I’m glimpsing pieces of the life I’ve been trying to create—that is freedom. 

It is amazing what happens when the mind is set on growth.  Chemically the brain changes and anything that isn’t aligned with what the goal is falls away; like the wolf, it’s the hunter’s mentality if we want to continue the analogy.   The focus is complete and intense and singular. Our body becomes capable of doing things we didn’t think we could.  We are more tolerant of the little things that may normally annoy us, because now it is a means to an end instead of the end of the world.  We become different people when we let the bullshit fall away. 

We’ve just spent the last week packing up our old home, closing on a new home, and moving into a new space.  Even though we are only a few blocks away from our old home, this is an entirely different lifestyle for us.  We have the space we’ve always talked about having for where we currently are and for anything we may need in the future.  Our son has all the room he could possibly want to play and build and learn—and there are a ton of kids around his age to interact with.  Our dog can run as wild as she wants to.  The cats can spread out and find new nooks and crannies to play in.  And we have set up a place to host and hold our family for the future if anyone needs it—parents, siblings.  It is honestly more than what we could have hoped for and I don’t intend to waste the opportunity. 

This move has taught me a ton about myself as we worked through this change.  First, I had to learn to hustle—like really physically hustle.  I had been packing up and moving things practically on my own for the previous few weeks so I thought I was moving—I was dead wrong.  The actual signing on the house went incredibly smoothly.  I made the mistake of commenting on it and anticipating the other shoe to drop.  Drop it did.  By the time we were done signing and going back to the old place to finish our clean out, we received word that we needed to be out of our place in the next hour and 45 minutes.  I felt the fires of hell light up beneath me as I repeatedly ran up and down the stairs bringing down last minute stuff, cleaning out the fridge, coordinating between the old house and the new house.  I thought I was going to die—but I did it.  Over the next few days as we loaded and unloaded all of our crap (more on that) I pushed more than I had in years.  It hurt at first but after a few days it actually felt incredible.  I was lifting and moving things I didn’t think I could.

Second: following up on feeling good with movement, is accountability.  I know it feels good to move, I know it’s good for my body.  And it wasn’t that I was making excuses because I would always try to get some movement, but I didn’t do nearly as much as I was capable of.  Through what I’ve had to do over the last few days, I see that I was half-assing what I was doing.  What I previously thought was enough was no where near the capacity of what I was able to do.  I really surprised myself with it and it was even more surprising how good it felt.  I have been sleeping a thousand times better and I am more able to focus and I have a better recovery and ability to get back into it after.    

Third: the actual integration of adaptability.  We had to pivot what we were doing hundreds of times over the last few days, often on a dime.  At first, I bitched about it as I tried to maintain control over the situation.  I had a plan, damn it, and it was going to work!  But as time went on and we had to shift, I slowly felt myself going with it.  The point of moving to a new house was to allow for new experiences, not to judge them in the same way I previously did.  Not to collapse myself into the victim mentality and whine about what wasn’t.  We have been so fortunate with what we have that there is no room to complain about how it goes down.    

Fourth: putting things in perspective.  At one point we had to help my dad move some things out of his office (they are currently closing) so we could pick up a few more things for our place and my aunt was there.  She made a comment about my weight that normally would have set me off.  Initially I felt myself feeling hurt—I haven’t seen her in a few years and one of the first things she says to me is about my appearance.  Within seconds I thought to myself that she is going through a lot of changes as well and she is struggling to let go.  I have a lot of good things going on in my life so why let one comment ruin that? There is no need to make someone else’s cruel comment your truth and I wasn’t going to make that mine.  Plus I know with all of the work we have done over the last few days that I am physically improving anyway.

Fifth: flexibility and when to stick with what you say.  I realize that I haven’t been as good to my word as I would like when it comes to my son.  I have a tendency to give in and allow him to do what he wants because he never asks for a lot—he likes to play, he has my tendency to want to complete collections, and he likes to watch some TV.  It has created a bit of a spoiled child because he is used to being able to do what he wants and he is used to getting what he wants when he wants it.  We haven’t been able to play as much because we’ve been moving but he met a little neighbor boy and he’s been wanting to play with him all the time.  It has been great that he gets to interact with kids and at first I was limiting it because I couldn’t be there to supervise.  But one of the kids made a comment that he could watch him and I realized that my kid can definitely be a bit more independent than I’ve allowed.  I mean, he’s four so I’m not talking about letting him ride off with the older kids, but he is able to play outside in the yard with the other kids for a while.  As we were moving boxes upon boxes of toys I realized that I haven’t made my kid do enough—I always do things for him.  He threw a fit when I asked him to help and I knew in that instant that I need to do that more often.  It’s my job to teach him how to function, not to do things for him.  He’s going to be miserable for a bit, but that is growth, right?   

 The most important thing I’ve learned is that we can all do things we don’t think we can whether we are 4 or 84.  It’s all about your mindset.  That is THE most critical thing.  How you approach the situation is more important than what the situation actually is.  Sometimes we know these things logically but actually putting them into practice is entirely different.  Our old mindsets creep in, often before we can even get in front of it.  With determination and focus—and sometimes just sheer will—we are able to shift what the world looks like to us.  We can always surprise ourselves—I know I did.      

“Don’t forget, while you’re busy doubting yourself, someone else is admiring your strength,” Kristen Butler.  We never consider the positive side of what people see about us.  We are trained early on to be our own worst critic, seeing every flaw, learning to hide it, berating ourselves for making mistakes.  We consider any imperfection a reason to stop.  It must be some kind of proof that we aren’t meant to succeed if we aren’t perfect, right?  As I’ve been maneuvering through the last week, working full time, raising my kid, keeping my side projects going, all while packing and cleaning in preparation for our next adventure, I’ve seen myself in a new light.

Nothing was done perfectly—but it all got done.  It required HEAVY time management, learning to make demands in a different way, learning to bend in a different way, and simultaneously bearing down while loosening my grip on the controls.  The bottom line was it all got done.  Shifting between tasks and constantly moving forward, focusing on the goal kept me moving.  And the truth is, as chaotic as it felt, I saw myself exerting a different kind of control.  It wasn’t about changing behavior I didn’t like, it was about setting the precedent for what would happen in my absence.  It was about being a leader, not a boss.  It took a minute, but for the first time, I saw my true capacity.  I recognized how badass I can be.  Granted it took a ton of energy, but I saw myself executing and making decisions—and it worked.

I am so grateful I got to see myself that way because THAT is who I really am.  I got to see myself outside of people pleasing and jumping through hoops to make sure I got the accolades I wanted.  I saw myself making a plan, delivering it, and executing.  I saw myself saying no to things I didn’t want and yes to what I did.  For so many years, especially in the corporate world of healthcare, I always watched managers and above lay out this expectation that your role is 24/7 and you aren’t meant to break.  As I’ve set out on my personal growth journey, I have set the precedent that we can get the job done while respecting our humanity.  That our needs are just as important as those we serve.  That I can take time for my family and still care about my job.  It CAN all get done with clarity and level setting.

At the end of the day, what other people think isn’t what truly motivates us.  It wears thin.  Having a clear goal in mind and working toward it puts you in a position of power.  And it’s a different power because it’s not about control-it’s about purpose.  When you don’t care what you look like, there is a power in that.  We may feel like we don’t have it all together, but that drive is inspiring.  What mattered to me the most was actually seeing that I have the capacity to do WAY more than I thought.  Seeing myself, being inspired by myself gives me the inspiration to help others.  We are powerful creatures, so much more than we are allowed to believe.  I welcome the age of us living up to our potential.  For that, I admire everyone’s strength and hope to use mine as an example, a reminder to use yours as well.