Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for the time to make gifts for people this season.  I have spent the last two days in my kitchen baking dozens upon dozens of cookies.  I’ve made 11 different cookies this year, all for family and friends and they look beautiful.  So much energy went into this preparation this year and it is all love.  I’m really proud.  I’m excited because we bought my son some gifts that he can make for all of the grandparents and I’m really excited to get started on that too!

Today I am grateful for the resources and assistance to complete such a big undertaking.  My husband occupied our son for most of the day and the times when his three year old attention span wavered and he wanted mommy, he came into the kitchen and watched me bake.  I’m so grateful to be able to start to share these experiences with him and to see his curiosity piqued.  My husband also finished the laundry, freeing up more time to finish my projects.

Today I am grateful for the ability to put together a really nice holiday for the family.  I posted a while back about not making it as extravagant as I used to and how that would be for the family.  We went out this weekend and spent $40 on a medium sized tree and decorated it.  We finished putting up the lights around the house.  I’m comfortable with what I have been able to put together within our means.

Today I am grateful for the ability to multi-task and I chalk it all up to good planning and a lot of help.  I had been worried about not being able to finish everything we needed to but I’m seeing that we are getting closer and closer and I am happy with the progress.  It will all get done.

Today I am grateful for taking the steps toward the life I want, no matter how small.  Previously I would have been freaking out—and I mean freaking out to the point of inconsolable—about not being able to finish in time for the holiday, or not having things just right, or not finishing everything I had planned in one day.  Now I am definitely going with the flow and I am content with what I have done.  I even had some extra time to do this post today.  To me, this is a sign of becoming the person I want.  The person who is able to handle life as it comes and makes the best of what is rather than wasting time bitching over what isn’t.  I am really proud and looking forward to the changes coming in my life.

Today I am grateful to be planning an amazing year.  I am working through a decade in review and will be sharing that with you all once I am through with it.  It’s a vulnerable process and highly emotional for me but I am thrilled to be doing the work.  It’s a nice reminder that we have the ability at any time to change our course and to remember what we have accomplished.  We have always done more than we think and we are far stronger than we allow ourselves to believe.  Seeing it on paper is a huge help.

Today I am grateful to welcome the new week.  I am excited to wrap up some projects at work and to share what I have done with my team and my staff.  I am excited to finish up what I need to so I can transition to a week off with my family.  Here is to a peaceful week where we can all accept what we have done and make peace with what is undone—and to knowing that no matter what, it is enough.

Asking for Guidance

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I am up early on this Friday the 13th, a divinely feminine day and I know I needed to reconnect with that.  I’ve been on the hunt for things to control over the last few weeks and, as you can tell from last night’s post, I needed some time to re-center and let go. I’ve felt a lot of pressure over the last few weeks to be something that I am not and I have felt the old call to prove myself.  I felt my leg being pulled down that rabbit hole and it feels like that has thrown me a little off course.

As I said, I’m up early today because I asked for guidance.  I shuffled my Super Attractor deck and the card that literally fell out was “I’m in awe of the magnificent guidance that’s available to me.”  That is absolutely being on the same vibe as the universe.  My energy is seeking guidance and that is what I received.  The messages are all around me, but more importantly, the messages are all within me as well.  I know what I need, I know what my soul needs, and I know what I’m looking for.

I am looking for validation that will likely never come.  The person I am seeking it from is not capable of understanding how their actions impact my life.  They genuinely feel they are being helpful and refuse to accept any responsibility for how detrimental their actions really are.  I am not in a position at this point to cut away from this person so I feel trapped in a corner because I do still need their help when it comes to other things.  But the fact that this person is holding their position over me speaks volumes to their intent.  The truth is they are helping to serve their own need for validation and to make up for things long since passed.  I would say their actions are unintentionally hurtful except for the fact that I have been addressing the issue for three years.  So this makes it even worse.  They are actively choosing to continue to behave in a way that makes me uncomfortable and because I don’t have the choice to leave at the moment, they feel they are entitled to continue.

I have had discussions with this individual so many times it is impossible to keep track now.  The fact that this person continues to do the same thing in spite of knowing what it does to me shows me that this person truly does not care.  This is the person who, when you are on fire, will drink the water and try to pee on you rather than just dump the glass over the flame.  They will put away all of the dishes or randomly buy a book for you instead of just folding the laundry like you asked.  This, my friends, is abusive.  This is someone who can turn around and say that they helped and how ungrateful I was—and she will—without realizing that they help they gave was not the help I needed and asked for.  That is NOT helpful, that is manipulative. This is the action of an unstable, unfulfilled person who refuses to truly look within and deal with the root of the issue which is simply that her mother did the same thing to her.

I’m fortunate enough that I recognize this now.  I feel like that helps me break the cycle.  When the time comes, we will be making changes and alternative arrangements.  Our relationship has not been the same since I have recognized this behavior for what it is.  I feel like this is also what has made me so unsteady over the last few weeks.  I feel like there is no safe haven I can go to and it’s a matter of choosing whatever port will capsize me the slowest.

The guidance I have been looking for is something I know deep within me—that I need to move on and make myself strong enough to handle the things I am currently seeking help with.  I need to learn to deal with uncomfortable situations in order to cut ties with someone who clearly does not value me or respect me.  They may love me but they do not respect me.  As I am transitioning into the person I know I am meant to be, the person I kept hidden because I was taught not to show who I really am, I know that this person is not healthy for me to be around.  As much as it hurts, I feel like a weight is lifted, just saying that.

Remember-You’ve Got This

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“I let an inner sense of quiet multiply each day as I strengthen my faith in the love of the universe” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor deck.  Today is the 12/12 portal-last full moon of the year, of the decade and it is full of emotional shifts as the energy changes through the Gemini full moon.  I’ve been feeling a lot as this emotional energy is thick in the air.

As the universe always does, the message from the deck this morning is a sign to not give up as much as I want to.  It’s a sign to listen to the signs rather than the chatter outside.  Slowing down and finding guidance in the moment as I listen to the inner voice is the answer.  I’ve been feeling tested to no end over the last two weeks and then feeling angry with myself for failing to be the person I want to be in those situations.  My logical brain knows that it’s a matter of time and practice and that I’m not a failure, but the repercussions after allowing myself to fall into old, emotionally reactive habits make me feel terrible.

In a lot of ways this is good because I know that isn’t the person I want to be.  I don’t want to be the emotionally unstable woman who loses it over the slightest inconvenience.  I want to be collected and open to change.  I KNOW this.  But I’m still struggling to let myself be that person.  A lot of those reactions are done out of fear and not knowing.  I feel like I’m also falling into old habits because the situation is still the same.

I’ve felt a nagging need for change.  I’ve felt oddly not here.  So, not knowing what to do and feeling unsettled still spikes me need for control.  I’m trying to remind myself of the need to let go of control.  The theme over the last few weeks has been gratitude in recognizing my flaws.  In no longer forcing myself to go with the habit.  Rather, I have been successful in stopping and realizing my reaction isn’t what I wanted.  This is also good because it is a chance to redirect.

I’m learning to be who I want to be, the woman I’ve envisioned myself being.  I’m learning to realize that I the woman I am trying to be is, in fact, the woman I already am.  There is power in stopping yourself from falling into old habits and allowing the transformation to take place.  There is power in stepping into the person you already are.

So, as we enter the last few weeks of this month, this year, and this decade, it’s time to relinquish everything.  Give up the weight, give up the drama, give up the fear, give up the things that are no longer serving.  I will have to remind myself of this frequently.  I will have to continue to accept who I am, and continue to focus on where I want to be.  It’s time to let go of the melancholy and the sullenness, and to work through the challenges I’m facing.  None of that drama matters in the end.  It’s time to welcome the new and to sit quietly and allow the universe to act.  Then we are free to move with the flow.

Letting Go Around the Holidays

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I’ve had a hard time letting go while getting ready for this Christmas.  I love the holiday and I enjoy the festiveness of it.  I enjoy the love and the warmth of family gathering together.  I love hosting and doing that in celebration of my family.  I have high expectations of myself to put together a beautiful home and prepare a beautiful celebration because I LOVE to do it.  Yes, I get myself worked up, but this is one time that I know I do it to myself so I work through it.  I want the house to look amazing, the food to be delicious, the games to be fun, the presents to be meaningful, and the company to be joyful.  I want to show my entire family that I love them and that I can care for them.

This year, I’ve been exhausted (see the soul tired post from the other day).  We have a new kitten and a new puppy in the house in addition to two older cats and a three year old.  We don’t have the biggest home so it is a houseful.  The younger animals have been causing a ruckus and it’s been difficult to put up the decorations I normally do and to keep the place as clean as it needs to be.  I’ve been working on cleaning and organizing since October and I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough to be fully ready.  I still have a ton of baking to do and wrapping and even more shopping to do.

I know that it will all get done and my husband has been really helpful, but it is hard for me to let go of the vision I had in my mind for what this year was going to look like.  The more I keep going, the more tired I feel.  I don’t know why there is such a drain on my energy this time around because 1. Nothing in particular has happened to warrant feeling like this and 2. I’m not exaggerating when I say I truly love doing this.  I’ve done it for years.  Even when my parents still hosted, I would decorate their house.  And I’ve never felt this kind of drain doing this work before.

So, in the spirit of evolving and doing things that I need to do, I am trying to listen.  I won’t have as many decorations up this year.  I may not even get to put up the big tree because we have animals that would destroy it. I’m struggling to accept that what I have done is enough because it isn’t what I normally do.  I know I have to.  Sometimes it’s a matter of convincing the mind what the soul knows.  That enough is enough.

The holidays aren’t about making the perfect gathering.  In some ways that bothers me because it makes me feel like I haven’t done enough to show my family that I love them.  I know it isn’t true.  They have asked that I delegate some of the work to them this year and I have.  I have shown them I love them and trust them and that this is a joint effort.  It isn’t about it looking perfect, it is about us having fun together. And I am going to put together a wonderful party with all of their help that we all can enjoy and we will all love the memories we make together.

It doesn’t matter the size of the tree or how many decorations I’ve put up.  It doesn’t matter how many presents are under the tree.  It doesn’t matter how large the meal is and how many cookies I’ve made.  Those are all well and wonderful things but the things that count are that we are all together.  We are blessed to be able to have another year together and to share that time together.  Those are the moments that let me put away my control and need to make a hallmark home.  I love my family and I am so grateful to have them in my home—and it is my home.  I know they love me and will take it for what it is: a small, packed, loving, warm house to share the holiday in.  How lucky are we?

Wisdom When You’re Tired

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We have all felt tired.  Working too much, too many commitments, too much people pleasing.  This is the tired of being overextended.  Then there is the tired when we are trying to accomplish too much but everything feels off.  I’m talking about when we feel all of this and then feel like we are still lacking.  I’m talking about the feeling where we are soul tired.  This is the tired that sneaks up on us and depletes us.  The energy is just gone.

This is the kind of tired where you are in between wanting to do everything and do nothing at the same time and you don’t even know what the problem is.  I’ve been feeling a lot of this the last week and I know it’s because I’ve been pushing so much.  Quite frankly, I’ve been pushing in every direction. And now I am soul tired.  My mind is craving a break.

One thing I’ve learned is that the only way out of these feelings is to go through them.  There is no point avoiding them and there is even less a point in really figuring out where it came from.  The best thing I’ve found in these situations is to listen to what your body is telling you and just relax and let go.  Believe me I know that is far easier said than done, but the more you can train yourself to listen to your body and recognize the symptoms for when you really need a break, the sooner you will get back to feeling more like yourself.

The easiest way to start this process is to stop what you’re doing and hear what your body is telling you.  Check in with where you’re at right now.  Are your shoulders up at your ears?  Is your jaw clenched.  Are you hunched over?  Is your breathing shallow and fast?  If so, begin by consciously giving each area attention and letting yourself release it.  Tell yourself you are safe and you can let go.  Then turn your attention to your breath.  Make sure you’re taking deep belly breaths.  If you can, try and do square breathing.  This is a four count inhale, a four count hold, a four count exhale, and a four count hold.  Do that for as long as it takes you to feel centered again.

Once you feel yourself physically relaxed, you can start untangling the web you’ve created in your mind.  Pull on one thread at a time and focus on the things you can change, the things in your control.  Sometimes all it takes is recognizing that you’re upset over not having ice cream tonight.  Sometimes it’s deeper than that.  Sometimes it’s realizing that you’re not on the right track.  The good news is that even though we can’t solve all of our issues in one night, we can learn to identify where the issue lies.  Knowing what the problem is and where it started is a liberating thing because then we can take steps.  Even in those situations completely beyond our control where there is literally nothing we can do about it, we have the power to release it.  We still have our power.

Sometimes in the soul tired moments, the only thing we need is rest.  Check in with the body and if by the time you’re done with the physical relaxation portion, you may feel the need to drift off.  You don’t realize how much energy you put into holding tension.  If you do drift off just let yourself go.  Your body is telling you it needs to relax.  The best thing we can do for the soul or the body is to listen to it.

So tonight, I feel the need to share this message, to unwind the tension in my body, and to sleep.  In spite of the million and one things that still need to be done in preparation of the holiday, I know I need to relax.  I need to honor the messages I am receiving and let go.  Everything will get done.

Sunday Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for another opportunity to align with who I want to be.  Reminders for when we get off track can come from the strangest places, but when we see them, we need to be mindful and pay attention to the message.  I’m grateful to receive that message.

Today I am grateful for the time to focus on things I need for myself.  I have felt myself wildly pulled in a million directions this week and it’s only getting more intense as the holidays approach.  Today I’m taking the time to focus on my writing and to focus on decorating the house.  I LOVE doing that and I get to share the experience with my son.  I’m so excited.

Today I am grateful for the games I played with my son.  We started a little family game night and seeing his face light up as we spent time together filled my whole heart to the brim.  We didn’t play by any rules, I just let him try what he wanted to and he loved it.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of the importance of humility.  It isn’t the accolades or other attention that matters.  It’s about the results and what works for us as individuals.  It isn’t about achieving a certain status- it’s about doing our parts and sharing our messages.

Along with humility, today I am grateful for the ability to apologize.  Being wrong isn’t an easy pill to swallow at the best of times, but to dig your way through the dirt and layers of bullshit you’ve fed yourself for years and to own up to your part in the issue is some of the hardest work you’ve done.  Simply saying sorry can shift the entire story—so do the work no matter how hard it is.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of what is really important in life.  Beyond being who we are meant to be, beyond keeping humble as we work toward our goals, beyond WORKING for our goals, it’s important to love the life we have and to live in the moment.  It’s important to be present in the moment.

Today I am grateful for kitty love.  As I (struggle 😊) to type this, I have two of my three cats vying for my attention.  My Maine coon has won and he is sitting in my lap accepting the occasional head scratches while I type over him.  I wouldn’t move him for anything.

Today I am grateful for help.  I have a lot of work to do and I want to be successful and I am not able to do it alone.  I am grateful for the time I have to work on my projects and to do the things I love doing.  I am grateful for the people who help me get things done and allow me to do the work I need to do.

Today I am grateful for the reminder of who I really am.  Embracing that person is the most liberating thing I’ve done.  Falling into old habits is inevitable—getting out of them is your choice until you are fully aligned and in a state of being your authentic self.

Today I am grateful for another day.  I’m happy that I have the chance to start over again today and to enjoy everything that I am meant to experience.  I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to realign myself and keep working toward my goals.

Today I am grateful to not feel rushed.  I feel content to just be where I’m at.  I know what needs to be done, but I feel content to do things at my pace rather than at the pace of “I need to get this done.”  I am happy to just be.

The Rut

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“The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.” (Unknown, heard from The Buried Life). Those words sent me in a tailspin.  When we are making changes, there inevitably comes a point where we are faced with the challenge of either continuing forward or with reverting to what makes us comfortable.  We can find ourselves dealing with fears as we enter a new phase of life and it is easiest to take the path of least resistance.  But if we want to make something worthwhile and more meaningful, we need to face those fears head on and try something new.

I’ve spent the last two months diving into my projects and developing things that I’m really excited about.  But I’ve found myself enveloped in personal drama with my husband as well as at my full time job.  This is a precipice, a pivotal moment where I can make decision about how I want to behave.  And that all depends on the future I want to see.  I know the issues I’m facing right now I don’t want to repeat.  I’m thrilled to be working on the things that give me purpose and drive and it is a feeling I don’t want to give up.  So in making the choice to continue focusing on this endeavor, I know that I am making decisions to NOT partake in other things in my life.

When people see us changing it is scary for them so they often push back with the same old behaviors, forcing us to either revert to the relationship we had or to make the decision to stop.  As I feel the pressure increasing to remain the same in my personal life, I came across the opening quote.  My breath caught in my throat and I swear that my heart skipped a beat: repeating the same patterns in my relationships (personal or professional) have created a rut.  I don’t want to make that rut my grave.

I had to re-evaluate what was going on in my life and I looked at the common thread in nearly every situation.  It was me.  My pushing, my drive, my desire to create more.  I know at a minimum I need a pause.  And I know this isn’t sustainable as I’m going.  So I’m giving up.  I’m giving up the impulse to push everyone around me and I’m going to continue to work on the things at my pace.  The people who are meant to be in my life will be there and as I change those who can’t keep up will fall away.  I’m giving up making people be something they aren’t.  This also means I’m giving up the ideas that I had for the future.  Sometimes the players you think will be with you change.  And I’m giving up the idea that things will magically get better.

It’s time for me to let go of the reins and focus on what I can do rather than force people to play along.  I will be honest that it hurts. I have this compulsion repeating in my mind that “if only the played along and just did X, we’d be fine!”  But we are dealing with humans and they all have free will.  Growth is painful because you find yourself looking at the pieces of yourself that are hidden.  It’s also painful because sometimes you’ve been holding onto something for so long that you’re stuck in that position.  It’s like when you’ve been holding onto the gallon of milk and you’ve got to carry it up four flights of stairs to get home.  When you let go, your hands ache as your muscles relax.  Letting go of an image you’ve held onto for so long is similarly painful.

The relief comes after you readjust and reacclimate to the lesser weight.  That too, is the same for your mind.  We carry so much clutter that we don’t realize how much we NEED the relief until we feel the pain of letting go.  The key in all of that is that the relief does come.  You just have to learn to adapt to the new sensations from the loss.  Don’t fight the release.

I’ve been tired for a long time.  So tired I didn’t realize I was tired at all.  I want to be in a place that excites me and to be surrounded by people who are excited by my success.  I need to be heard.  I want to be loved, not merely tolerated.  I no longer want to be it all, handling everyone else’s expectations.  I’m working on creating a loving and supportive environment where respect flows.  I’m not living in competition anymore.  I’m putting down control and fear in favor of creativity and encouragement.  Just Be.  The rest will take care of itself.

Taming Emotional Mind

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I haven’t been feeling very good lately.  How I feel on a given day feels a little like the roll of the dice.  Admittedly, I haven’t been taking care of myself like I should and I’ve definitely over-indulged with food over the last week—still enjoying the holiday 😊.  It only makes sense why I feel a little off.  I know I was left unsettled after this weekend with my husband and questioning what our future holds. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve spoken a lot over the last few months about going with what feels right.  I think I’m disappointed in myself because I’m not listening to my heart and I’m not admitting what I’m really feeling.  What I’m feeling is uncertainty and fear that things won’t turn out how I want them to.  I don’t want to admit that I’m afraid to let go of control because I don’t know what the future holds.

As I was thinking about these fears today, I came across a quote that talked about getting to the other side of fear.  It’s a long hard walk, and I know I have to do the work to get through.  Speaking about these things, no matter how much I believe in growth and change, does nothing without action.  And I’ve spoken about that too!  It seems I need to take my own advice and take some action.

I wish I had more support in creating this vision but I will not let that stop me.  Progress is good and it doesn’t matter how long it takes—as long as I keep moving.  Sometimes we need a reminder to keep going.  I know that the leaps I’ve made over the last few months have been scary to a lot of people.  They aren’t comfortable seeing me take this kind of authority in my life and, quite frankly, they don’t really like it.  So the reminder I needed was to know that I can do this.  As long as I continue on the path that works for me, I know the right people will find me.  This is not my final destination, it is a stepping stone.

Perhaps when others are uncomfortable with the successes we have (no matter how small) it says more of their character than yours.  If someone is uncomfortable with your success, you can ask whether or not they really belong in your life.  As painful as it may be, eliminating that kind of energy drain can be the very thing that unfurls your wings.  I think the lesson is to have faith in your own ability and to know that you will find your team once you find your authenticity.

We all get off track every now and then and it is ok to keep going.  For me, “going” means getting my eating habits back in line, hydrating, keeping myself rested, expressing my creativity, and keeping to my boundaries.  As the nature of the universe would have it, right as I’m trying to get myself back on track, Marie Forleo is conducting a new class on reviewing our previous accomplishments and preparing for the next decade.  This is something that I am going to be participating in and I will write about my progress here.  I’m excited because the first day is about reviewing what you are most proud of over the last 10 years as well as what you learned the most from.  There is a lot of material for me to go through but I’m excited to do the work.  If our ability to receive is measured by how much we practice feeling good things then it stands that to get rid of the melancholy of the last few days, I have to start feeling better.  I’m excited.


Emotional Kickback

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I felt a lot of residual emotion today.  I felt the leftover anxiety and fear from the tension with my husband yesterday.  I realized that so much of my issue was being afraid of change, being afraid of making a decision about the life we want. I felt discomfort in our home situation (related to making decisions).  As silly as it sounds, I felt like my husband and I have been on fundamentally different pages and it feels like there is a rift developing over what we want the future to look like. My relationship with my husband has been at this point for a while where I feel like we are heading in different directions so it’s not unusual for those fears to spill over into other things—but I have been working on it so I was sad that I didn’t think about it before I let those emotions out.

Aside from that, I felt awkward at work because I blurted out a story about the holiday from a negative place to my boss—and the experience was far from that.  It was annoying but I didn’t need to add the drama.   I had a wonderful holiday but the story I told was negative without me even thinking about what I was saying.  It was so automatic that I actually felt afraid for a minute.  Then I felt disappointed in myself because I let my mind get away from me.  The scared, angry, negative person I was letting out (and feeling stir within me) was not who I wanted to be, neither in that moment or in the future.

The person I want to be is clear minded and fierce.  Fair, but fierce.  She is confident and knows she is walking the path she is meant to.  She owns her actions and her life.  I know I want to surround myself with people at the level I want to be at and that will mean making difficult choices.  I started thinking about the anxiety and realized it is because of the paths in front of me and the fact that I’m trying to walk them both.  At times it’s like I’m being dragged upside down on the wrong track and at others it feels like I have a wheel straddling both paths with the middle getting burnt up- or even one leg on the path and one off.  To be that fierce, decisive woman, I need to pick a path and stay on it.  I need to be committed to my goals and stay out of old habits.

I’m proud I recognize these things now and I don’t let myself spiral.  I don’t need permission to be fierce because I feel this exists in me.  I’m actually making progress in my life. everything going on now is clearing for what is to come.  I love my husband but I love ME more so I know where my focus is and I know my boundaries.  I am a trailblazer, healing my heart and mind and I am ready to move forward.

The unknown is scary but it is also scary keeping a life on hold, hoping that something will happen.  We need to be decisive in order to progress.  The fact that the unknown is scary isn’t a reason to hide or fight it.  If you want something different, you have to DO something different.  The universe responds to energy.  Change your tune and see what’s on the next level.  This, the chaos, discomfort, frustration is all transitional.  I’m allowed to shift and transition with it.  In fact, it’s needed to thrive.  So take it in stride.  Love who and what you have.  Breathe.  Take the step.

Where Focus Goes, Energy Flows

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Sunday is normally a gratitude practice day for me but today ended up taking a slightly different path.  I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and I know it’s perfectly normal that couples will not agree all the time. The last few days of this long weekend have been more stressful than rejuvenating so I felt some disappointment today as I had hoped to achieve more than I did.  I found myself blaming my husband.  He has been in a funk over the last few days and very short tempered, taking things out on the whole family and just generally not acting himself.  Now, I’m a very driven person so when there are things to get done, even if I’m in a bad mood, they need to get done.  I don’t let that sway me.  My husband tends to take a turn for the lazy when he’s in those moods and, quite frankly, I wasn’t having 3 days of it.  There was simply too much to do, especially as the holidays are approaching.

We have been in the process of a massive deep clean for roughly a month that has absolutely taken its toll on both of us.  Feeling emotional looking at the things I’ve held onto, feeling angry for holding onto so much, feeling guilty for not purging it prior to moving here all made a nasty cocktail for some hair trigger reactions.  Throw in an unreasonably moody husband and we were volatile to say the least.  Now, going into this long weekend I was thrilled because I had every intention of finishing this purge and being done with it.  We are entering the holidays (which we are hosting this year) and working full time and throwing in side projects and making gifts on top of it, I know time is precious.  My husband has no interest in preparing for things like this in advance, and normally I get annoyed but just deal with it myself.  This year that could not be done—we NEEDED to do this together and handle the mess.

I wanted to respect his boundaries in case something truly was wrong, but I also knew that the usual pattern of handling it myself wouldn’t work.  I am entering a phase in my life where I don’t want the chaos or the laziness anymore.  My skin crawls at the sight of clutter and mess and I am no longer taking the responsibility of taking care of an entire household on my own.  We did this together, we get out of it together.  That sparked some fires between us this weekend.  It actually made me question our compatibility in some regards because I am simply not the person who is ok with a lazy partner anymore.  I am not ok with holding all the weight and doing all the running while he sits and enjoys.  Partnership doesn’t work like that.

While I was having a moment of questioning who we are as people now, I started thinking of the ways we are differently motivated.  He is motivated for the now while I am thinking for the long haul.  Again this isn’t a terrible problem because he has helped me stay grounded in the moment many times and I know I still need that in my life.  But I am beyond the point of dealing with a petulant partner who reverts to a teenager and me taking the role of scolding mother.  I know that it is a matter of focusing on what we want to create the life we want.

The card I drew today was “Directing my focus onto what’s thriving creates more of what I want” Gabby Bernstein, Super Attractor Deck.  As soon as I saw the card, I knew I was on the right track with my line of thinking.  People change and evolve and that is natural for the course of a relationship as well.  My husband and I met when we were young and it is natural that we have found different things.  we are not the people we were when we met.  I no longer want to be that person and I also no longer want to fight to make him be the person I want him to be.  It is a matter of focusing on what works in our lives.

I’m not saying I want to end our relationship, but I have to respect the natural course that it is taking now.  I want my focus to be on things that have return and value.  He chooses to focus on things that make him happy in the moment.  I know that this is a source of contention with my husband as I tend to be critical of his interests—I am working on that.  He enjoys things like video games or fishing.  Neither of those things accomplish what we said we wanted for our future.  I’m not saying there isn’t a time or place for them, but those things can’t take precedence over creating the life we said we were going to.  I am perfectly willing to allow him to decompress with a video game for a while.  But if I need to shower and he needs to watch our child so I can do that in peace (and decompress myself!), I am not going to wait to bathe until he is done gaming for the night.

I really believe in the life we said we wanted and I truly still want to do that.  I remind him of it all the time because it is something we said we would do together.  But with diverging interests, it’s hard to see the path we need to take sometimes.  It’s also hard to make it so it doesn’t feel like a battle of the wills.  I do believe there comes a point where you need to question what the end result may be of your actions.  Is what you’re doing now going to be of value to what you say you want?  Are your words and actions aligned?  That is the state that I’m trying to get to and my goal is to be consistent with it.  And for the first time in my life I feel like my goals are important enough to question who I surround myself with and to make decisions about who I let close to me.

Growing up and changing means accepting your own evolution and learning to set value and priority to what you do.  The good news is that everything changes, life is malleable, and we can tune in at any time.  The most important thing is to look at what works for you and follow what feels good.  Like the card said today, if it’s thriving and you feel good, focus on that to get more of what you want.  For me, I intend to continue the process of purging and cleaning and working toward my goals.  THAT makes me happy.  I also intend to continue to focus on what I am grateful for—and that includes the things my husband does for me that ARE in alignment with our goals.