I felt a lot of residual emotion today. I felt the leftover anxiety and fear from the tension with my husband yesterday. I realized that so much of my issue was being afraid of change, being afraid of making a decision about the life we want. I felt discomfort in our home situation (related to making decisions). As silly as it sounds, I felt like my husband and I have been on fundamentally different pages and it feels like there is a rift developing over what we want the future to look like. My relationship with my husband has been at this point for a while where I feel like we are heading in different directions so it’s not unusual for those fears to spill over into other things—but I have been working on it so I was sad that I didn’t think about it before I let those emotions out.
Aside from that, I felt awkward at work because I blurted out a story about the holiday from a negative place to my boss—and the experience was far from that. It was annoying but I didn’t need to add the drama. I had a wonderful holiday but the story I told was negative without me even thinking about what I was saying. It was so automatic that I actually felt afraid for a minute. Then I felt disappointed in myself because I let my mind get away from me. The scared, angry, negative person I was letting out (and feeling stir within me) was not who I wanted to be, neither in that moment or in the future.
The person I want to be is clear minded and fierce. Fair, but fierce. She is confident and knows she is walking the path she is meant to. She owns her actions and her life. I know I want to surround myself with people at the level I want to be at and that will mean making difficult choices. I started thinking about the anxiety and realized it is because of the paths in front of me and the fact that I’m trying to walk them both. At times it’s like I’m being dragged upside down on the wrong track and at others it feels like I have a wheel straddling both paths with the middle getting burnt up- or even one leg on the path and one off. To be that fierce, decisive woman, I need to pick a path and stay on it. I need to be committed to my goals and stay out of old habits.
I’m proud I recognize these things now and I don’t let myself spiral. I don’t need permission to be fierce because I feel this exists in me. I’m actually making progress in my life. everything going on now is clearing for what is to come. I love my husband but I love ME more so I know where my focus is and I know my boundaries. I am a trailblazer, healing my heart and mind and I am ready to move forward.
The unknown is scary but it is also scary keeping a life on hold, hoping that something will happen. We need to be decisive in order to progress. The fact that the unknown is scary isn’t a reason to hide or fight it. If you want something different, you have to DO something different. The universe responds to energy. Change your tune and see what’s on the next level. This, the chaos, discomfort, frustration is all transitional. I’m allowed to shift and transition with it. In fact, it’s needed to thrive. So take it in stride. Love who and what you have. Breathe. Take the step.