“Your life doesn’t have to be perfect to inspire people.  The world needs to see you as human, not perfect,”  Power of Positivity.  I’ve struggled with perfectionism for years, always worried about how people would perceive me.  I played the game of trying to be exactly what was expected at all times.  Charm the room, be who they want you to be.  That may be one of the biggest regrets of my life: being anyone but myself for so many years. 

Perfectionism infiltrated my life and made me hard and brittle and bitter in my constant pursuit to be right and to be liked.  It tore me down on so many levels.  I could no longer relate to people—I genuinely didn’t give off any kind of receptive vibes to anyone.  The people I did let in used me for their own gain so I became distrustful of everyone.  Then I truly started to buy into the lies I was telling myself and thought that I needed to be perfect at all times.  I got angry at people for their lack of attention to everything and for not hearing what I said. 

I see now how much of my perfectionism was/is tied to my anxiety.  When you’re an anxious person you often feel terrified that people will leave you at the drop of a hat do you become the chameleon with everyone, adopting whatever identity you think they want to see.  That messed with my head terribly because as I tried to break the habit of needing to be perfect, I confused what I always did with my true voice so making decisions became agonizing.  I’d become paralyzed trying to figure out what to do.  There was no identity to claim because I had fragmented so much of myself along the way.

When I had my son I was still in the throes of striving to always be right because THAT was the identity I chose: the woman who knew it all.  Anyone with kids will tell you there is NO order to anything anymore.  There is no way to know everything especially when you’re learning someone new.  It has taken me years to integrate the knowledge that I am not in control and knowing everything isn’t just impossible—it’s a joke. 

Children go against every structure we have set up because they are well aware and understand that there is NO real structure to this world.  There are patterns, seasons, ebbs and flows, storms and sunshine—but any structure we speak of is man made.  That is why it is so painful to children when we can’t stop and play with them or when we make them adhere to any kind of schedule: it isn’t in them.  We are given time with these amazing gifts of life and light and we indoctrinate them with the same routine and expectations as early as we can.  How tragic.  Because children are also the perfect example of needing humanity over perfection.  We may feel like we are failing and falling apart and those kids will still come to us like we’re a lighthouse in a stormy sea.

I’m trying to be gentler with myself.  The more I let myself get in flow the easier it is to see grace in simply living and to let everything fall away.  And the world needs more grace right now.  Grace in ownership and reconciling the past.  Grace it letting it rest.  Grace in acknowledging that it’s time to move on.  Grace in welcoming a new foot forward.  It’s going to be messy but life is messy and that is where we learn.  We learn when we have to build something—and we learn to get stronger when we are authentic.  To being authentic enough to let our perfection drop and love the perfection that we are…        

“I am willing to see my sameness with others.  This opens my awareness to oneness” Gabrielle Bernstein, Spirit Junkie Deck.  I struggled with what to say tonight so I drew a card for inspiration.  It would seem that the universe would like to remind us all that we need to continue to look within ourselves for those common threads we all have.  That we need to remember at the most basic level, our humanity.  If we want to create a better system for all then we have to start there.

I’ve often been a loner, doing as much as I could on my own and never really wanting help.  From the time I was a kid, I was the one who took over the group project because I knew no one was going to do their part anyway—or they wouldn’t do it right.  While it made me capable, the truth is, it made me selfish and fearful.  I still have some of those tendencies, especially because I struggle with trusting people.  Lately I’ve been feeling the need to reach out more.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I really feel what other people are feeling.  I know there are a ton of people looking for that connection as well.  We all need that contact and that sense someone understands us.

Maybe those base needs are the initial rumblings of recognizing how similar we are. Listening to that little voice can be the push we all need to start waking up.  The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield speaks of a critical mass of people to bring awareness.  A certain number of people needed to tilt the scales in favor of a new paradigm built on understanding energy, our drive for power, breaking ancestral and personal dramas, and collaborative living.  Our message in the card I drew seems to support that theory.  I’ve always said we have far more in common with each other than not.  So that sameness/oneness is the little spark to see things differently.

I spoke yesterday of the opportunity we have now to change the story.  I whole heartedly believe that.  There is no denying the world is filled with myriad disastrous events right now but I have believe it is all for a greater purpose—to break down that final wall, to lift that veil of what keeps us in this sickening pattern: fear.  Even the greed and need for power that drives so many of our ill-advised actions stems from fear.  We search for security in material or control over people and things and in doing so we have lost all sense of value.

It’s time to rip that band-aid off and dive in to the work of creating something new.  To shed the weight of generations of imagined obligation and self-imposed debts, tests of worthiness, and striving to prove and gain. To see the humanity in everyone again.    

Intention can be summed up like this “Don’t focus on what this year will bring you, ask yourself what you will bring to this year,” Jay Shetty.  We have been given an opportunity on both a personal and social level to re-create the intention of this year, our lives, and our society.  We can’t allow the actions of yesterday (quite literally after the madness in the Capitol) determine or set the course for how things will be. 

It is time to step up and step in to what we really believe in.  As I said yesterday, that starts on an individual basis.  You want more presence?  BE present.  You want more love?  BE love.  You want to be more productive?  Be purposeful with your time.  You need to be more attentive to others?  Listen to your gut and get out of your head.  If you want to go somewhere, MOVE.  You need to change?  Decide and commit to that vision.  You want to live more authentically?  Take personal accountability.  You want more peace?  Get organized in everything and clear out all the clutter (mental and physical).  You need more faith?  Make time to connect with source. 

There is always a solution.  And given the importance of connection, it seems logical that connection is the first step.  It struck me that we are in a position now where we are in desperate need of knowing who we are again, to come back to love.  In knowing ourselves we can come from a state of love again.  As I was writing today a phrase came to me that seemed really appropriate: Please help me love myself enough to bring my gift to the world.  Hate is born of fear and it’s easy.  Love is born of courage which is why the word stems from the heart.  When we let go of the fear of who we are and step into the vulnerability, we unleash a powerful force of hope onto the world.  That is the only power we need to fight for and it is available to all of us.    

I will say it over and over again no matter how redundant: we can make what we want of this life.  My question is why in the hell would we choose hate?  Why would we choose misery?  It’s such a better view from a place of worth—and we are all worthy.  It is not our role to undermine or belittle each other until we forget who we are.  It is our role to soften and remember who we are so we can lift each other up.  We haven’t made that a natural feeling yet, but with practice it will become innate. I hope you are all strong enough to love yourself well enough to share your gifts.  We need all we can get.      

On this day, with everything going on socially and politically, we need some positivity.  We need to remember to be stronger than any of the heinous, needless rage being demonstrated today.  It’s sickening to see people behave like this—and these are the actions of scared, lonely, pitiful men.  It is our time to stand firm and demonstrate we will no longer tolerate this deadly nonsense.  And one way to do that is to let their destructive behavior take down the root of what is really the issue: the incessant systemic racism and lusting after power at any cost.  It’s ALL on display today—there is no denying it.  So let’s do something different.

We need to be stronger together than the push to divide us.  Hate can do a lot of things if you let it, things you never thought you would do.  Love can do even more—more than hate ever could.  What we are witnessing is the dying cries of a wounded animal, the last fight before its last breath.  Now is not the time to lament what is happening.  The very nature of these people perpetrating this disgusting behavior tonight would suggest that this was inevitable.  So tonight is the night to stand firm in the conviction that what is best for the whole will prevail.  I don’t mean to suggest that we simply stand by and let this happen—I suggest that we allow this ugliness to be exposed for all it is because we all know what it is really about.      

“Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation which is not nurturing to the whole..” Maya Angelou.  This is a new path for all of us and what that requires now is the steadfastness of our belief in what is coming and the conviction to follow through on our belief for the betterment of ALL.  The first step in the betterment of the entire entity is to make sure you are the best version of yourself, that I am the best version of myself. 

I’m remembering that my very existence is alchemical, and my role is to continue that magic.  That means integrating and accepting what won’t change, taking radical ownership of ourselves, and moving on.  For everyone, remember to be real with yourself and accept your role in your situation.  Even if it was as a spectator, now you know you need to be active.  Your choices get you where you are.  So make the choice to participate.  To commit.  To do your best.  To change your routine, your thoughts, your perspective.  Make the choice to live your life and don’t let life live you.  You get to say what you want and what you don’t want.

We are all experiencing a shift right now.  We feel the underlying pull that something isn’t quite right.  So, like the river, we move to the other side and continue our flow.  Determined.  Unrelenting.  But also entirely flexible.  The universe never said we had to be a certain way—we did that to determine our worth in an archaic system.  To see the worth in others, to make at-a-glance decisions about who people are so we could love/hate them or respect/despise them. 

We never looked deeper because we were afraid.  Afraid of losing ourselves or our possessions.  That call, that subtle warning (now visible on a large scale) is now telling us to go deeper.  We have to get beneath the surface and question our standards and our values.  All it takes is one different choice, a new curiosity.  It always starts with us.  We’ve been selfish about the wrong things.  We needn’t be selfish at all.  We need to be purposeful and curious and open and accepting.  These are the lessons we need to teach.  Let’s be the example for good.  May we all find love again.   

Today was a rough day.  I woke up after a deep sleep—a deep sleep but not enough of it.  Honestly, I couldn’t get back on track from there. My mother literally cut me off and changed the subject in the middle of a conversation today so I immediately felt disregarded.  I got irritated at work—by everything.  I fought with my son because he didn’t nap at my mom’s today so all of his four-year-old-ness was running high.  Which made me feel upset at my mother again because I feel like she is undermining me as a mother.  I know—a melodramatic mess.

I knew throughout the day that I needed to press the reset button (several times) and I just couldn’t find it.  I tried.  I really tried but my energy just sucked today—I will own that.   And I know that this is one of the first challenges of the year.  When we set our minds to something the universe often sends little tests to see how determined we are, how serious we are.

I am serious about the decisions I’ve made for this year, even if I had to take miniscule steps today.  My energy, while it was low, was still strong.  I felt myself stepping into a new part of me, a part of me that enforces boundaries.  My boss had asked me about a certain task that we hadn’t discussed before and I felt the reply I got didn’t give me enough information.  Normally I would struggle through it but I got upset.  A bit later, I ran into her and told her I needed clarification.  Simple, clearly stated, and direct and I got the answer I needed.

When we got home my husband and I talked with my son about his behavior when I picked him up.  My son looked at me and said, “I love you Mommy and I’m sorry I was being naughty.”  And I knew that I had to work on my emotional control because it is impacting my boy.  He knows he made a mistake but I made him feel scared because I was so upset.  Sometimes the things he says just absolutely melt me.  They always put me right back where I need to be—in the moment.

So I’m shaking it off.  I took a shower, I built legos with my kid, and I’m watching trash TV for the rest of the night.  It may not be anywhere near what I had planned, but I am keeping myself level.  And I’m practicing some kindness to myself.  Today is clearly not a day where pushing more is going to help.  Tomorrow is another day and I will take another microstep forward.  Another chance to practice kindness and perseverance.  Rest well, everyone.  It is earned. 

I listened to an IG live from Glennon Doyle today and she dropped some awesome truth bombs that really got me thinking.  First, she said something to the effect of, “Life is the delta between how we are told it’s supposed to feel and how it really is.”  She went on to say that, “The problem is life, it’s the picture in our head that was placed there purposefully.”  It’s so easy to fall into the trap and believe what we are supposed to have because of what we are told and what we see from other people.  The other thing she said that stood out was about being ok with our life as “stet”—the writer’s term during revisions for leave the work alone, this is what I meant to say.  Meaning, accept where you are at and stand firmly in it.  And that is when you level-set what your expectations are, quite literally what you will and won’t accept.

It’s easy at the beginning of the year to get swept away in goals and things we want to do.  As I mentioned the other day, I’m not big on the “New Year, New You” thing because I feel like it sets us up for disappointment.  I wanted to talk about level setting our expectations.  That is where the magic is because you find the ground between what you want and dreams and THEN you put it into action.  Don’t get so taken by the picture of what things should be that you disregard what things actually are.

My advice in navigating the delta is to keep going.  Get familiar with it and don’t try to avoid any of what you’re experiencing.  It is only in knowing yourself that you can get where you want to go.  I had no clue for the longest time what I wanted to do with my life.  I bought into what I was “supposed” to want and I hated anything about myself that didn’t fit the mold.  But I kept going (and I’m still going) and I found parts of me that I wanted to explore. That was six years ago.  I started writing but didn’t think I was good enough.  But I knew I wanted it and I knew I had to cut the bullshit.  14 months ago I committed and wrote every week, sometimes every day.  A little over a month ago, I doubled down, dove in, and started planning, honing, and refining my work. 

The difference between being all in and what we mistake for commitment is life altering.  Level setting is all about your mindset.  That and knowing you can’t expect your world to change overnight.  It’s effort, drive, and design, and purposeful action.  Liz Gilbert calls it the 10 year overnight success.  

Changing your mindset means setting the expectation that looking a certain way or buying a certain thing will make our lives everything we are told it will be—or should be.  There is no magic pill.  The magic is in the living.  The dance between the ups and downs and the curve balls that will inevitably happen.  There is no guide for this life so it is safe to move away from what you’re told it should be and move into how it really is.  To live in the delta, the gap we’ve created.

Once we are in that space, it’s easier to see how it’s all in your head.  It’s SO important to see how very real something in your head can be.  JK Rowling said, “Of course it’s in your head, why should that make it any less real?”  Choose differently.  Make peace with your life and your desires and know it is ok to want what you want.  It’s ok to NOT want what you’re told to want because you know what is best for you.  It’s not about finding the ideal—it’s about finding what is ideal for you.  That is magic.        

Today I am grateful for my beautiful boy.  This unbelievably amazing, stubborn, brilliant, kind hearted, whirl-wind, light of a being came into my life four years ago today and I couldn’t be more grateful.  The love and compassion he gives without any hesitation shows me what love is really about.  Lucky isn’t even the right word—I am blessed beyond belief to have this gift.  While it is his birthday,  I have the gift. 

Today I am grateful for the reminder of what my body can do.  My pregnancy was extremely challenging emotionally and physically.  At only seven weeks in, we thought we lost the baby—they still don’t know if I had possibly lost a twin.  I lost 25 pounds during my pregnancy because I couldn’t keep anything down.  I was alone most of the time because my husband worked insane hours.  I went back to work a week after having a C-section.  And I marvel that my body did all of that.  We truly are resilient.

I am grateful for the lessons my son has taught me.  The first one is to never underestimate what your children can teach you.  There is such depth in the hearts and minds of kids, a wisdom they have not yet forgotten.  Each generation comes to this Earth in hopes of keeping those lessons alive and we somehow manage to convince ourselves they are impossible dreams.  Spending any amount of time with your kids and listening to the way they speak, imagine, and dream shows you that those dreams are not impossible-they are necessary.

Today I am grateful to spend time in the dreams I thought I had forgotten.  Ah, the land of potential.  There truly is nothing that can’t be accomplished but we are inundated with negativity and other people’s perceptions of what we need to do that we don’t allow ourselves to live where our hearts reside.  It means making the decision to do what is necessary and sometimes uncomfortable.  It takes a keen sense of recognition of what is good for us and how we are toxic to ourselves.  All it takes is some committed decisions, drive, and effort.  Not that it is easy—but it is worth it.  

Today I am grateful for clarity over what needs to be done.  I took some time last night to really plan and break down some goals that I want to work on.  I had been creating such overwhelm for myself constantly thinking of everything that needs to be done and everything that I wanted to do that I wasn’t taking enough action—I’ve spoken about that before.  Taking the two hours I did to look at the scope of everything and to see the steps I need to take made me feel energized and hopeful.  It makes the goals I have seem plausible rather than fanciful. 

Today I am grateful to see the next steps in the path before me.  I am being shown signs that I’m on the right path.  To move forward I have to release my past and let go of my expectations over others.  Move forward with radical belief and faith—not blind, but complete.  Now is the time to get really clear on who I am and what the goal really is—what service I can offer and what I’d like to build for myself.  Live now, plan flexibly and love myself, be authentic, and share genuinely. “It’s time for you to start taking the necessary steps to become that version of yourself that you can’t stop dreaming about,” Awokenshit.

Today I am grateful to be alive.  I’m having one of those moments where I feel engaged and happy to be living my life.  It’s intoxicating when you’re taking aligned action.  Each step becomes clear as you walk the path.  The cycle of life is a short one and we all take the same journey.  The stops we make along the way are unique to each of us, those are the ones we have say in.  Make your journey an amazing one.

I’m not into that New Year, New You thing…but this year I feel how significant and pressing the need is to become new people.  More importantly, to have a new mind set and a new perception.  I want to share that with everyone because change isn’t easy.  We all have fears about changing because of those comfort zones I mentioned the other day.  But when we are ready, that all changes.  I just wanted to share some words that went through my mind to help people look at things differently because I want these things for everyone. And I am incredibly grateful to have a blank page to start on.

I’m ready.  I’m ready to give up the bullshit stories, the fear stories I tell myself.  Ready to go after what I want in my life. To love myself in all my flawed perfection.  As I am, with what I can bring to the world.  I will make mistakes, I will backslide, but I will learn and try again.  I will accept my life.  I will make decisions aligned with my purpose and best interest and the greatest good of all.  But it will be what is right for me—not what I am told. 

I’m strong.  I’m ready to examine and break my habits and own my bullshit, one step at a time.  But decisions are mind.  And I’m capable.  I love myself.  I am ready.  Accepting me, living as I’m meant to.    All is well in my world.

That last line is the most important and comes from Louise Hay—All is well in my world.  It’s so important to remember that we have so much more going for us than against us.  Perspective changes how we approach things and remembering what our privilege really is opens our eyes to what we need and what we can give to those around us. 

Not long after I wrote those words, I took some time to draw cards.  From Super Attractor, I drew “Instead of worrying about the future, I know all is well when I’m aligned in the moment.”  From The Universe Has Your Back, “In every moment the universe is conspiring to bring me toward right-minded thinking and the energy of love.”  And from Spirit Junkie, “All that I need is coming to be in ways I could never have imagined.”  Clearly this is an affirmation of being present, releasing fears, knowing all is being taken care of.  We all need to remember that we are being guided.  To Beginnings!

For the last three years I’ve taken a walk on New Year’s Day and let the first animal I see be a sort of symbol or totem for the year—it’s a practice I learned from Liz Gilbert.  I’ve seen a goose, a rabbit, and even a squirrel and looked up the spiritual meaning in my totem. This year it didn’t feel totally appropriate, not to mention we had an inch of freezing rain…but I wanted to do something different.  I’ve been feeling stronger and, at the same time, more vulnerable.  So this year, I wrote myself a letter.

This body.  I’ve cut you.  Starved you.  Filled you with garbage. Hated you.  Been embarrassed by you.  Wished you were different.  Said awful things about you.  Swallowed pills to forget about you.  Used you.  Berated you.  Never knew how to handle you.  Tried to come to terms with you. 

I’m sorry.  None of that ever worked, so this year, I want to try this different.  I want to love you and appreciate you.  You’re alive and functioning and healthy—and I thank you.  You’ve helped me see the world, conveyed my soul.  You’ve given me pleasure, brought me my son.  You’ve healed—over and over again.  And you’re still beautiful.  You’re strong.  You’re healthy.  You’re going.  You carry the scars of your living.  And your heart is still full of love.  I love you and thank you.

This mind.  I’m working so hard to forgive you.  I can understand you’re doing your job, but you have inflicted so much pain on me.  You’ve allowed me to process and learn so many things, yes, but you’ve lived in an endless pit of fear and self-loathing.  There are days I’ve felt helpless to you and trapped by you.  My body and soul a prisoner of your bullshit fear and anger.  Again, I know some of that can’t be helped.  I truly hold NO ill will over that.  But we need to come to a new arrangement. 

You cannot run this show any longer, running so rampant, wild like my son, bouncing from one thought to the next before the first one is finished.  We will hear you, but we will no longer act from you.  Your energy and ability is so much more potent than that.  I can’t let you waste away in fear and worry.  Let’s explore the magical depths of this world.  The depths of what we can create.  Let’s learn to feel again.  No distraction—actual feeling.  Sit with these feelings for the first time, ever.  No surface, all the depth. 

This past year, this terrifyingly beautiful 2020 miracle of a disaster—we are here now.  We have purpose and the ability to see our drive through.  We have learned appreciation on an entirely new level.  Hope, perseverance.  I’ve learned that all we need to do is make room.  Create the space for who we are.  Break the box and live.  We die in our comfort zones.  This past year has shown the toxicity of this comfort zone.  The desperate need to do something differently.

We have all the tools to do this in another way.  With love, hope and compassion, for the good of all.  Mind,  I love and respect your power.  Let’s try to harness it to more productive efforts.  We can do this.  We will do this, one choice, one breath at a time.  I love you and thank you.  I will process my emotions, I will be clear on what I want, I will be clear on the life I want to create.  I will focus my energy on what and let the rest fall away.  I’m healing.  I’m getting well spiritually to build a stronger base for myself and to be a more loving, caring person and mother. 

I’ve controlled every aspect of my life because I thought I had to be perfect so the people around me had to be perfect too.  That demand for perfection isn’t love.  So I will make a quiet transition to acceptance.  I need to be a better partner.  To myself and my family and friends and co-workers, and staff.  To be more present and accepting is a more peaceful, honest relationship.  I will stay the course until I find my peace and then I will blaze my own trail.  To an authentic New Year—welcome.     

Vibe of the day: “It’s all about freedom right now.  your mind, body and soul are yearning for you to simply let go.  Let it fire on all cylinders.  Trust me when I tell you that your higher being needs no direction from the 3D you.  It’s the other way around.  You have no idea what’s in store for you until you let the fire that burns inside of you set the rest of the world ablaze.  The universe is begging you to sit and watch the movie instead of being so stressed trying to produce it.  This is a new time.  a new era in your life.  freedom is yours.  Let it be.”

That energy is exactly what I have been feeling.  2020 was the year where everything burned and where we were finally awoken to our own toxicity.  Whether or not we owned it and accepted that responsibility is another story, but none of us are able to ignore that our actions have impact any longer.    I have little regret over 2020 and little personal anger over 2020. 

I’m really happy with where I’m at.  I’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, loved a lot, taken chances on myself.  This was the year that pushed me to action.  It helped me define my boundaries and not only recognize, but act on keeping those boundaries.  This is the year I came to terms with the actions that merely made me selfish versus the actions I needed to take for myself.  This year has shown that nothing is in our control, nothing will turn out exactly as we plan—and that is exactly how it is meant to be.  We are meant to have a greater connection with source than we are with material.

2021 is the Phoenix.  The old has been shed and burned to ash, and I am cautiously rising out of them.  It’s a vulnerable stage.  It’s a new life with new wisdom on a stronger foundation, but it is still in its infancy.  Resilient yes, but fragile. 

No matter where we are at this point, it is enough.  Full acceptance without judgement allows space for growth.  This year has been unprecedented on so many levels, that goes without saying.  We can’t evaluate where we are at using old standards.  Perhaps, even more importantly, do we need to evaluate ourselves by where others are at?  Why create that stress?  Why focus on what, in reality, isn’t real?

I don’t want to release this year—I want to release the pain of this year.  I treasure the time I have had and the lessons I have learned.  I even embrace the fear and confusion because it led me to finding EXACTLY what I had to work on.  The pain that we collectively felt, while I do believe it has a purpose, is not something I wish we had to go through.  Even that pain is revealing and helping to point us all in the right direction, so I appreciate that as well while I let it go.  Remember the lesson, let go of the pain. 

I welcome 2021 and look forward to going in with eyes wide open.  I look forward to continuing to learn and develop and share and to becoming more of who I am.  Releasing more of the stories I’ve told myself, stepping more into my own.  No matter what, I’m ready.  Bless the old, welcome the new, gratitude for what we have.

A Happy, Healthy, and Safe, New Year to All.